The girl I love suddenly is hurting me badly and it's killing me

[jzimmerman]

A little background of my story with her:

 

Two years ago her and I got to know each other in Italy. I'm bisexual and she's straight. She started dating someone in the group. I fell in love with another guy in the group. My guy only took advantage of my feelings for him and nothing ever happened between us and he always broke my heart by being super-nasty; all because he could not admit that he's bisexual, too. Me, my guy, her, and her guy became very close, and hung out exclusively.

 

A year later, I had issues with my guys still, and she was going through fights with his guy. Thus she and I got to spend more and more time with each other. Both broke our friendships with our guys, and became almost like brothers sisters.

 

Now:

Jan.2016, she told me the reason she will stay in our city to pursue her masters, is because I'm here. It was very sweet to hear that. And every time she'd talk about her future life plans, somehow I was there, too. Though she'd never mention me as her life partner; and I never let myself to read too much into her statements.

 

Nov.2016, I said that I will be leaving this city to go and study for my master's (1-year program) in the US. In less than a day, I could feel that she started to ignore me. She became unenthusiastic about me. Started to snub me every chance, and show me that she doesn't care about me. She even started becoming very good friends with my guy (from above), so much so that he is in love with her (I know this through gossips, and she doesn't know this). One day I confronted her about her ignoring me, and I confessed to her that I have feelings for her. She took it as if my liking her is out of perversion and that it's a betrayal of her trust. That I give her the right to think. But she took it further to blame me for ruining my friendship with my guy, even though she witnessed first hand what I went through.

 

We went from being each other's rock, to this mess. I still love her and care about her. But she just ignores me, hurts me, and is willing to take sides with the person who always wished me bad. I know she's doing it 99% because of my moving away. But she won't admit it. She just goes out of her way to tease me.

 

What I hate to hear is that my guy has slept with her, or that they are dating. Even though I once asked her if the two of them are actually dating, and she replied by saying that he's just a good friend whose company she enjoys. But that's as far as it goes; that not only they're not dating, but also she's never interested in dating him.

 

It's more him I am worried about. He takes a few extra miles to hurt me. Even though he's poor as , he's bought tickets for the two of them to go on a Galapagos cruise for his birthday in April. And he is planning to surprise her this way.

 

What do I do? 1) I want her to be my close and lovely friend again 2) I don't want her to sleep with the guy and date him just out of spite; it goes without saying that she'll regret it.

[Billie28]

She is not romantically interested in you. She only sees you as a platonic friend. Since you are leaving the area she needs to form stronger friendships with others. And she starts with someone you both know.

 

She is not your romantic partner and neither was he. They were two friends in a group setting.

He is free to like her and her like him back. Although I suspect she doesn't have romantic intent towards him either.

 

He is straight by the sounds of it. What made you think he was bi? Perhaps you interpret his actions as being mean or hurtful but only because you were rejected by him. He is not into men or you. Just because you got hurt by him or her, doesn't mean that was their intention.

 

You made the same mistake twice. You told platonic friends you had feelings for them without any indication that those feelings would be welcomed or returned.

 

Stop playing the victim. You aren't.

[jzimmerman]

She is not romantically interested in you. She only sees you as a platonic friend. Since you are leaving the area she needs to form stronger friendships with others. And she starts with someone you both know.

 

She is not your romantic partner and neither was he. They were two friends in a group setting.

He is free to like her and her like him back. Although I suspect she doesn't have romantic intent towards him either.

 

He is straight by the sounds of it. What made you think he was bi? Perhaps you interpret his actions as being mean or hurtful but only because you were rejected by him. He is not into men or you. Just because you got hurt by him or her, doesn't mean that was their intention.

 

You made the same mistake twice. You told platonic friends you had feelings for them without any indication that those feelings would be welcomed or returned.

 

Stop playing the victim. You aren't.

 

him and i kissed a few times; I gave him a blow job 4 times, and when we lived together, he made us sleep on the same bed, and was offended when I asked that we each have our own covers. he forced me to sleep with him under the same blanket with him! and everyone in the group was asking me if we are dating, because of his actions towards me. not the other way around.

[evad1]

A little background of my story with her:

 

Two years ago her and I got to know each other in Italy. I'm bisexual and she's straight. She started dating someone in the group. I fell in love with another guy in the group. My guy only took advantage of my feelings for him and nothing ever happened between us and he always broke my heart by being super-nasty; all because he could not admit that he's bisexual, too. Me, my guy, her, and her guy became very close, and hung out exclusively.

 

A year later, I had issues with my guys still, and she was going through fights with his guy. Thus she and I got to spend more and more time with each other. Both broke our friendships with our guys, and became almost like brothers sisters.

 

Now:

Jan.2016, she told me the reason she will stay in our city to pursue her masters, is because I'm here. It was very sweet to hear that. And every time she'd talk about her future life plans, somehow I was there, too. Though she'd never mention me as her life partner; and I never let myself to read too much into her statements.

 

Nov.2016, I said that I will be leaving this city to go and study for my master's (1-year program) in the US. In less than a day, I could feel that she started to ignore me. She became unenthusiastic about me. Started to snub me every chance, and show me that she doesn't care about me. She even started becoming very good friends with my guy (from above), so much so that he is in love with her (I know this through gossips, and she doesn't know this). One day I confronted her about her ignoring me, and I confessed to her that I have feelings for her. She took it as if my liking her is out of perversion and that it's a betrayal of her trust. That I give her the right to think. But she took it further to blame me for ruining my friendship with my guy, even though she witnessed first hand what I went through.

 

We went from being each other's rock, to this mess. I still love her and care about her. But she just ignores me, hurts me, and is willing to take sides with the person who always wished me bad. I know she's doing it 99% because of my moving away. But she won't admit it. She just goes out of her way to tease me.

 

What I hate to hear is that my guy has slept with her, or that they are dating. Even though I once asked her if the two of them are actually dating, and she replied by saying that he's just a good friend whose company she enjoys. But that's as far as it goes; that not only they're not dating, but also she's never interested in dating him.

 

It's more him I am worried about. He takes a few extra miles to hurt me. Even though he's poor as , he's bought tickets for the two of them to go on a Galapagos cruise for his birthday in April. And he is planning to surprise her this way.

 

What do I do? 1) I want her to be my close and lovely friend again 2) I don't want her to sleep with the guy and date him just out of spite; it goes without saying that she'll regret it.

 

I mean I agree she sounds spiteful about you leaving. Was she really staying in the city for you?!?! Could she have gone somewhere else to complete her masters? She's taking it a little far by pretending she's not hurt though. That's not healthy.

[Clio]

Too much unnecessary drama. You cannot control what happens with each other. That guy sounds confused about his sexuality. She sounds fed up with you. The best way to handle this is to stop thinking that you control other people, drop both from your life, and spend the remaining time you have with other people. Stop occupying yourself with all this drama and it will all go away.

[jzimmerman]

I mean I agree she sounds spiteful about you leaving. Was she really staying in the city for you?!?! Could she have gone somewhere else to complete her masters? She's taking it a little far by pretending she's not hurt though. That's not healthy.

 

Yes, she could've studied elsewhere. she graduated with the highest gpa in her field of study.

and yes, she does take it far. if I say something in the group, she says the opposite and disagrees with me. If I come up with a plan for all of us, she either doesn't come, or starts rambling about how bad the idea is. and many other things that I could list here. I've tried to reason with her, but it doesn't seem to be working. I guess I have to move on.

[evad1]

Yes, she could've studied elsewhere. she graduated with the highest gpa in her field of study.

and yes, she does take it far. if I say something in the group, she says the opposite and disagrees with me. If I come up with a plan for all of us, she either doesn't come, or starts rambling about how bad the idea is. and many other things that I could list here. I've tried to reason with her, but it doesn't seem to be working. I guess I have to move on.

 

Yea I'm really sorry to hear that. She probably should have talked you first before deciding to to stay there. That sucks. Maybe if you guys have a mutual friend she'll maybe listen to another opinion. That's the only thing I can think of.

[jzimmerman]

Yea I'm really sorry to hear that. She probably should have talked you first before deciding to to stay there. That sucks. Maybe if you guys have a mutual friend she'll maybe listen to another opinion. That's the only thing I can think of.

 

out of the 15 in our group, only 2 talk to me these days. the rest of them started to ignore me just like her. but it is only her desertion that hurts me. I don't care for the rest.

I asked one person who is very close to both of us to talk to her, and she lashed out, too. so, I'm pretty much on my own until I get out of this city in May.

[evad1]

out of the 15 in our group, only 2 talk to me these days. the rest of them started to ignore me just like her. but it is only her desertion that hurts me. I don't care for the rest.

I asked one person who is very close to both of us to talk to her, and she lashed out, too. so, I'm pretty much on my own until I get out of this city in May.

 

Jeeze that's not cool at all. Maybe give her some time she'll cool down. You can say your peace then. I've seen that work a couple of times. I can understand being kind of upset but jeeze. She's making herself look like a a$$. She's leaving you hanging high and dry and it's only a year. Good luck. I know that sucks Especially if you don't have any other close friends.

[inguriddo]

I don't know, I know you want to regain that friendship you had with her but honestly if she's treating you that way with no reason then I don't think a friend like her will be healthy to keep. She'll think it's okay to treat you that way in the future and you'll end up being hurt. I feel the best would be to show her that you don't need her friendship and to move on and live your life with a new group of friends.

[jzimmerman]

Jeeze that's not cool at all. Maybe give her some time she'll cool down. You can say your peace then. I've seen that work a couple of times. I can understand being kind of upset but jeeze. She's making herself look like a a$$. She's leaving you hanging high and dry and it's only a year. Good luck. I know that sucks Especially if you don't have any other close friends.

 

I sent her an email. this is how the email goes:

 

I ask that you please read this email thoroughly, and keep in mind that it is written with a very kind tone even if it doesn’t look lie it. I also ask that you kindly not reply to it any time soon, as it is mainly my observation, and not meant to argue and evoke negativity. Know that I have moved on, for a while now, from the laments that you encounter below; and the positivities I want to be realized. I just do not want things to be left unsaid.

 

 

Tonight I spent a couple of hours at K$$$y library, giving soul and reviving good memories of the past, reflecting on what is going on these days, and fabricating and hypothesizing over what is to come in the future. I remembered that, a year ago, a very good friend (hint: it’s you) told me: “J****, I hope you know that one of the reasons I picked UofT to do my master’s at, is because YOU are gonna be in Toronto.” That was one of the sweetest things any one had ever told me. It gave me a sense of belonging to this city for the first time. I do always jokingly say that Vancouver is the best and Toronto sucks, but for me it always remained a cliché of my humour, without any depth. When I told B****E that I cannot commit to the Dominican trip because I will be moving out of TO for grad school, I noticed a change in your guys’ behaviour towards me. Your attitudes was no longer enthusiastic. Before anything: no, I am not being dramatic. My observation of things from every angle is telling me this, and I trust it. This time the attitudes were tangibly different. I know the difference between when people are busy with their life affairs, and when people have lost interest because something is bugging them consciously or subconsciously.

 

I am not at all saying that: “I have such a big impact on everyone’s lives that they must feel miserable if I left.” NO! I’m not a narcissistic jerk. This has to do with people reacting negatively to certain changes. It’s about a certain fear that the circle of good friends is getting smaller and smaller, and it may one day break into pieces. Unfortunately, the reaction ends up making the receiving end feel bad. I could see and I can see a vivid unenthusiasm in you guys. Especially you and D****R. It almost feels like, at least unintentionally, there’s a mission statement to be conceived, and that is: “if he wants to leave, let him be reminded that he’s not part of ‘this’ anymore.” I get that feeling in particular when I see that you started recently to tell me, every now and then, that I have no attraction or attachment towards Toronto. Thus, giving value to something that was just a silly joke.

 

Time for confessions: home for me was Vancouver, yes. But that changed in the year 2014. After Florence, I spent a month there counting every minute until I’m back in Toronto, to be with a wonderful group of people that each and every one of them is a bundle of positivity. You guys made Toronto my home away from my family. I never felt home sick here in the past two years. I would only go back to see my mum and grandma, but every moment wishing that I could have what you all have: good friends and family in the same city; no matter where in the world. Last summer, every time I hiked, or took a walk along the beach, I wished I was sharing them with my amic’, especially my gal pal **I was referring to her***, who happens to share my crazy love of mountains. When I’d look at my future, it was always in Toronto. Not solely because of you guys, but because only here I can pursue my passion of languages. The rest of the country is not meant for italian studies. Though I haven’t decided where to do my Master’s, my definite plan is to come back here for my PhD. Even if I take a year off, I have talked to B****i, and I can do a direct entry to PhD. He’s given me all sorts of assurances. On top of that, that Pr###si treasure is only found in TO. Even if I wanted to do it at some other location, I’d have to take multiple trips here

 

That all being said, I am praying that our friendship goes back to the joyful thing that it was. I have already taken your advice of turning a page, but I haven’t started writing in it. I won’t write anything until I see my friend be once again how she was when we had nothing but laughter to share. just to be clear, this is not me being an intrusive person who says: “ditch school and come hang out with me!”. What I mean is: I want to see the same level of happiness and laughter as before, and conversations free of awkwardness the next time we see each other, whenever the opportunity might be. You remember when you said to me: “even if you leave for your master’s, it is not a goodbye, it’s a ‘see you later’!”? Then let’s act on it. If I decide to leave for a year, I want to move back here again to a group of people who had sent me off well. I want us to hug and laugh at out first reunion; not coming back here quietly and start my life anew as if I don’t know anyone in Toronto.

 

Remember who we were. Remember how I am in debt to you for saving my life and for being my rock in my hardships. Don’t let our good memories whither.

 

Your good friend,

XXX

 

PS: if you ever wonder where I consider to be my home these days, then, my answer is: "I am a son of this Earth.”

 

--end of the email--

[jzimmerman]

If this doesn't work, I'll have to cut her out and be done with it. She always told me how she always trusts her mum's character judgment, and that her mother adores me, and that she doesn't like the guy who she's befriending now (i.e. my guy from original post, who now is in love with her)

I hope she doesn't give into temptation. I know she said she's never interested in dating him; and she knows how he treats girls that he dates. but you never know.

[evad1]

Seriously I was touched. Talk about Graduation googles. Toronto sounds so homie lol. Makes me wish I went to college there. Seriously though I don't even know you but if your friend/s are not touched by that come on. That's not right. She can't leave you homeless and roaming like that. Thanks for giving a update. I'm wishing the best for you.

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