No contact worked, again.

[TheString1]

No contact has worked on EVERY woman I've ever seriously dated. I'm in my 30's.This time with my most recent ex, I questioned it on here. Lo and behold, it worked again.

 

So, I thought I would share my tips from experience and shed some light on a gloomy subject.

 

The hardest part is becoming the happy person you were that they connected to, and overcoming the anxiety you probably will feel when you talk again.

 

Don't put a time frame on it and don't think of it as a way to make them come back.

 

Don't tell them your doing it.

 

Weeks or months down the road, when your ready and they call. Keep it light, and fun.

 

Be careful what you wish for. I've taken some back only for it to happen again.

 

Now, I don't want her. I thought I did, long story short, my gut was right. She did some things while separated I can't forgive her for.

 

That's the amount of self respect you will gain from cutting off contact.

 

I can't be more clear when I say, this is not going to work if your constantly counting down days.

 

Your mindset needs to be focused on yourself and your future.

 

Unless they call AFTER your ready, don't answer. They get nothing from you.

 

If your afraid they won't call again, that's the wrong mindset and they always do.

 

If there is someone else, it will just take longer.

 

I hope this helps someone.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Stepping away from the drama is the only way to clearly see it.

I don't want her. I thought I did, long story short, my gut was right. She did some things while separated I can't forgive her for.

[Lostinlove31]

I think this was ok but more detail about the situations would be nice.

[pippy longstocking]

Be careful what you wish for. I've taken some back only for it to happen again.

 

Now, I don't want her. I thought I did, long story short, my gut was right. She did some things while separated I can't forgive her for.

 

I think these two are very important for people on here .... if something breaks , you can glue it back together but it is never the same again , the cracks are still there ... and many do come back on to say their ex wants them back on , but they don't want them any more ....

[Trinity11]

Hey String. What exactly did you ex say/do for you to know they wanted you back? No breadcrumbs? No testing?

[J Miracle]

There is plenty of truth to this. They often will come back. What their intentions are, and rather or not they want to stay is a different story.

 

I went proper NC with my ex a few months ago after being dumped. She came back 3 times. Showed up at my work without notice. It didn't last, but hey thats a different story.

 

In going NC with my last LTR, I did earn self respect. And the next date that came along and tried to jerk me around, I didn't stand for it, I showed her the door, promptly. Self respect is something you have to earn, by knowing when to walk away and focus on #1.

 

Somebody on here (don't remember who) recently said "give them the gift of missing you." In reference to being dumped. I liked that very much.

[TheString1]

Hey String. What exactly did you ex say/do for you to know they wanted you back? No breadcrumbs? No testing?

 

There were bread crumbs and testing. Always are. I've never had a woman come right out and say let's get back together.

 

This one called me out of the blue and asked a dumb question, I know she didn't need me for. I was nice, answered it and told her I was busy and hung up.

 

Then it's a little blurry but over the course of the next few weeks we got to a point where we would talk daily. I would never initiate contact and always flirt when I could. She would be so hot and cold. I never let it get to me. Until one day she spills the beans.

 

She tells me all the things you want to hear. Except, let's get back together. How are connection was amazing, I'm the only guy that's ____ fill in the blanks. I told her how I felt and we start talking about how much we care about each other.

 

Then bam, she tells me she's going to lose her circle of friends. Concerned by this, I politely questioned until I found out something I didn't want to know. I was right. Just after our breakup she was going to an event with 2 family members and this guy she's been friends with for years. He kinda flirted with her via text during our relationship, and at first I was told that she would never do anything with him and it's harmless.

 

After all of us hanging out a few times I didn't feel threatened anymore. Fast forward to our breakup a week before this event, I questioned it again and she said nothing is gonna happen with him bla bla.

 

I cut off contact then as my gut tells me she's lieing....fast forward, she f***ed him. Probably has been. Now, she's decided she wants me instead.

 

She said she doesn't want to tell me the whole truth because she knows I'll never speak to her again. Boy was she right.

 

I laughed at her, made a joke about it and told her I was busy and had to go.

 

I'm nobody's back up plan, and mark my words after she drops off something important of mine she found. I will not speak to her again.

[thekid55]

NC is meant for you and you alone. It's a way to heal, recover and re-align your emotional stability. I've had exes contacted me like the OP did and I had others that disappeared after the breakup. The good news is that NC is a win-win regardless of what you want.

[mandeelove]

Did u ever go NC and they come back and THEY changed for the better if they were to blame. Thats what Im wondering. Was it sucessful in that way?

[RayF]

I'd be curious to hear all the circumstances because I think in a lot of cases it just doesn't happen.

 

Like with the last story it seems the girl was quite immature grass is greener kind of thing. When a girl like that smartens up she's the type to come crawling back.

 

In my last case after three months and ending it on an argument where I caught her in a lie and we were nasty to each other and right before the lie came out I specifically told her never to contact me unless she wanted to try again but that I know her stubbornness and told her it's ok to reach out and don't let pride get in the way.

 

All that Coupled with the fact that she slowly made the decision she didn't want me she didn't love me as much as I loved her and she thought we had too many incompatibities to work long term even though she still loved me and did t know how she would live without me in her life.

 

She knows how I feel and it's been months with nothing. She's not seeing anyone... I know because I stalk her social.

 

I can't think of a reason why she would want to break contact.. she wanted me out of her life and she got it. Why would she suddenly change her mind?

 

If I was in her shoes she left losing attraction and desire for me. I've improved myself a lot and know she'd be into that but I don't post on social... I'm in another country.. in her mind I'm still the same guy she left.

 

No I don't think no contact is always going to work. Obviously I want her to reach out but I know she won't.

 

In any case like someone else mentioned im using it to heal myself and try and move on. Three months later I will miss her terribly.

[bbogdanov]

My situation is similar to yours, RayF. Why don't you contact her first? I am reading a book about getting back together with an ex and it says all these things about improving, keeping busy, making new hobbies etc. but after some period of time you should reach out and start building attraction again. Does this sound plausible?

[RayF]

My situation is similar to yours, RayF. Why don't you contact her first? I am reading a book about getting back together with an ex and it says all these things about improving, keeping busy, making new hobbies etc. but after some period of time you should reach out and start building attraction again. Does this sound plausible?

 

I've thought about it bbogdanov

 

Popular opinion around here is you should never ever reach out to them under any circumstances and that the relationship was never meant to work for a reason and that the dumper is the one who should reach out only.

 

I appreciate the mentality and it's mostly done to urge the heartbroken person to nongdt stuck on hope because you can't otherwise heal.

 

But I don't think it's the cut and dry ever.

 

The rational person in me thinks this is someone who over months decided we were incompatible and I wasn't the love of her life and I she didn't want this so why would she ever think about me or want me back even if she did?

 

But then I think about how she tried to end it softly... it not being my first rodeo i made I clear I did not want that but didn't beg or plead I said I'm moving on but leaving an olive branch open if she changes her mind, contact me and don't let pride get in the way... I know her well enough to know that she would let pride and fear get in the way of what she really wanted.

 

But then it got messy, I caught her lying about talking to her ex she apologiezed profusely stating she was lost hurt and confused she didn't want to lie she was looking for answers or some consoling in someone who knew her romantically. I didn't quite believe her but months later that guy is not in the picture. Anyways we left it on a really bad note I said some mean stuff about her being a liar and wasting my time. She apologiezed again but I told her to shove it.

 

So again, more reasons why she would not reach out. Some people just won't ever do that... I think even in the back of her mind she knew we were a good thing but knew she was young lost in life in another country and that the commitment and pressure was all too much so she built up unconscious excuses

 

Irregardless that's her truth now and she's one to bury her head in the sand... no sir I don't Belive she's going to be breaking any contact. Probably ever.

 

One big issue with building momentum and attraction is that we are still in separate countries as far as I know she still plans to come back to the US within 6 months but that remains to be seen and for now she's in France.

 

And the big question... why would I want someone like this back? Well it's pretty easy for those emotionally not involved to see what was done to me and say I deserve better, but it took me 32 years to find someone I loved like that... odds of that happening again are pretty much slim to none.

[TiredOfDating]

In another thread someone quoted "give him/her the gift of missing you". That's what I'm doing at this point.

 

I think he's grown comfortable pushing me away and knowing I'll still be there for him. It's kind of like the nice guy/bad boy syndrome....many women look past the good guy right in front of them, and seek out the bad guy who's exciting. then when it fizzles out, they realize the good guy was still there all along. He thinks he should feel more excitement, but he's not going to find many that have supported him and loved him unconditionally, the way that I did. And he's going to have to figure that out on his own.

 

In my case, he's the one that originally broke up, but then we decided together that a break was best. To be honest, we probably had TOO MUCH contact in 4 weeks time. so he missed me, but he didn't. if that makes sense? he was just starting to realize he wasn't better off alone and that he had sufficient independence as a couple.

 

He's obviously still very conflicted, and I think meeting the other night was a mistake. Though in some ways, I think it was necessary because it gave ME the chance to say "whoa, I'm not allowing you to push me away, then reel me back on your terms". I still feel like I had dinner with 2 different people. I'm still confused how things changed the way they did. He gave every indication that we would reconcile. I even said "are you sure a break is all you want, or do I need to let this go and move on" and he told me that he felt that what we had was strong and deserved another chance. then in the next breath he tells me he just doesn't feel for me what he "thinks" he should feel for someone long term. so that's when I said "well, the time to tell me that was 4 weeks ago, or even Monday night where you should have said let go instead of asking me to hang in a little longer". and when I said I was going to make it easy on him and end it myself, his jaw literally dropped, HE CRIED, and was like "I thought we were just taking a break". he very clearly has no idea what he wants. but I can't keep putting myself out there and letting him think it's okay to push me away.

 

So I'm giving him a chance to miss me, or move on, whichever. and I guess since now I'm technically the "dumper", if in a month or 2, I still feel that I want to be with him, I will reach out.

 

sorry to butt in on this thread.

[bbogdanov]

I see your point. My ex is extremely stubborn person, although she loved me wholeheartedly. She fell out of love with me and considered checking out of the relationship for several months prior, just as you said. There is no chance she would contact me ever again no matter what, she is just that kind of person. Given the fact she no longer loves me - I have no options but to be in NC, heal myself and contact her eventually, just as a last resort I should be the one pursuing her if there is the slightest chance for something to happen, if I rely on her to miss me, want me back, contact me - this is not going to happen ever...

[RayF]

Jesus... Ok man I take it back. She just reached out and broke NC... Still a bit in shock, story here...

 

 

[Imalone1607310460]

Hello,

I was dumped by ex-girlfriend a month ago (complaining me not paying attention to her enough) and she had a new guy lately. You said NC works every time, does that include situation like mine? or you treated your ex-girlfriemd perfectly and they were single after breakup, so that they finally came back? I just want to know if NC really works in EVERY situation. Thanks!

[Kalpki]

Hi all of you.

Here for the record just to say, yes: it worked again. 😏

Dumped from my long term (4 years) ex girlfriend in december so started NC the exact moment she closed the door behind her.

From then, she broke it several time (first time after a week) trying to gain f*ed friendship. Always rejected Her and never accepted, I stated clearly EVERY TIME I would take her back ONLY for a reconciliation.

So I started the work on myself: healing, taking care of my body, renewed my wardrobe...and started dating another girl.

Long story short: Two weeks ago Ex come back to me asking for another chance and now we are togheter again for a NEW relationship started from zero. I don't know how long it will last - who could anyway? but I can say I' m trying to look at her as a perfect stranger just met. I hope I ve learned to not put my happiness on somebody else hands...

[lostlove76]

Interesting thread. Here's my point of view, as a woman, for what it's worth. I officially broke up with my exbf 8 months ago because I couldn't take it anymore with his false promises and lack of total commitment. Despite telling me all the time how much he loved me and I was the one for him, his actions didn't totally match, and it hurt. So I had to call it off. I loved him with my entire heart, and I'm still not over him. But I will NEVER, never ever not ever, reach out to him in any way as long as I live. I refuse. I was officially the dumper, and he kept trying to call for a few weeks after I said I was done. But to me, it's HIS responsibility to reach out, given that he's the one who caused all the pain and turmoil. I know he never will, since he's now on his third relationship since that time. But I just wanted to show that there are certain cases where a girl may still care, and really wish that YOU would reach out, but she just isn't going to be the first one to make the move. This probably doesn't apply to most of you guy's cases, but it's just one scenario.

 

So what happens when BOTH people go NC and refuse to be the first to break it?

 

Another thought... as a woman, I feel like it's the guy's place to "chase." It's been pounded into my head for as long as I can remember. All the advice articles say let the man make the moves. To me, this applies to breakups as well, unless the woman cheated or completely lost interest or something and it was totally her fault. Maybe it isn't fair to put it off on the guy, but in my experience, when a woman goes after a man in any way, the man backs off - whether because he's turned off or he's playing power games. So that's another reason I would never break NC first.

 

Also... just wanted to comment on the idea of waiting until the person says specifically that they want to try again. I think most people will put out feelers first so that they don't risk rejection. They may also not know that they're "supposed" to say those words specifically.

 

I would love to hear thoughts on any of this, from men or women. I used to be all about NC, and it worked for me many many times with this past ex. Until he just quit trying, and my assumption from that is that he no longer cares and maybe never even cared at all and it was all lies. See what NC can make one think/feel/assume? So I have very mixed feelings about NC. Silence can do an awful lot of damage in some cases.

[Imalone1607310460]

I've read many of the posts here, and think NC works in only limited scenarios, like:

 

1. When the dumper did not think carefully when breaking up

2. When the dumpee was super nice, that the dumper will miss him/her

3. When the reboung guy/girl is not good enough

4. When the dumper only wanted to use breakup to create drama

 

And, in my case, my ex-gf said i did not care enough / pay enough attention. So I have to prove I can care more. How could I do this if i cut off from her?

 

Ok, you may say you need to show her your change only when reaching out after NC. But she is seeing someone now. The longer I am absent, the easier for her to forget me.

[bbogdanov]

Interesting thread. Here's my point of view, as a woman, for what it's worth. I officially broke up with my exbf 8 months ago because I couldn't take it anymore with his false promises and lack of total commitment. Despite telling me all the time how much he loved me and I was the one for him, his actions didn't totally match, and it hurt. So I had to call it off. I loved him with my entire heart, and I'm still not over him. But I will NEVER, never ever not ever, reach out to him in any way as long as I live. I refuse. I was officially the dumper, and he kept trying to call for a few weeks after I said I was done. But to me, it's HIS responsibility to reach out, given that he's the one who caused all the pain and turmoil. I know he never will, since he's now on his third relationship since that time. But I just wanted to show that there are certain cases where a girl may still care, and really wish that YOU would reach out, but she just isn't going to be the first one to make the move. This probably doesn't apply to most of you guy's cases, but it's just one scenario.

 

So what happens when BOTH people go NC and refuse to be the first to break it?

 

Another thought... as a woman, I feel like it's the guy's place to "chase." It's been pounded into my head for as long as I can remember. All the advice articles say let the man make the moves. To me, this applies to breakups as well, unless the woman cheated or completely lost interest or something and it was totally her fault. Maybe it isn't fair to put it off on the guy, but in my experience, when a woman goes after a man in any way, the man backs off - whether because he's turned off or he's playing power games. So that's another reason I would never break NC first.

 

Also... just wanted to comment on the idea of waiting until the person says specifically that they want to try again. I think most people will put out feelers first so that they don't risk rejection. They may also not know that they're "supposed" to say those words specifically.

 

I would love to hear thoughts on any of this, from men or women. I used to be all about NC, and it worked for me many many times with this past ex. Until he just quit trying, and my assumption from that is that he no longer cares and maybe never even cared at all and it was all lies. See what NC can make one think/feel/assume? So I have very mixed feelings about NC. Silence can do an awful lot of damage in some cases.

 

Maybe it's up to him to "chase" you but I think there is some limit there also. He will eventually stop chasing, like I did with my ex, as it is exhausting after some point. The boundary is thin

[lostlove76]

Maybe it's up to him to "chase" you but I think there is some limit there also. He will eventually stop chasing, like I did with my ex, as it is exhausting after some point. The boundary is thin

 

Yep, he did quit. I try to remind myself that everyone has a limit. But after all the horrible things he did, I felt that if he really cared, he would have put in more effort. When he was calling for those few weeks after I quit talking to him, and I wouldn't answer, I was waiting for him to tell me via text or voicemail that he was ready to commit and make things right. So I guess I was essentially waiting for those words "I want to try again" like everyone recommends to wait for. But how would he know that's what he was supposed to do?

 

Thanks for your reply. I can see how "chasing" would get exhausting and one would give up. Relationships, and breakups, are so difficult aren't they? So many guessing games as to the right thing to do.

[bbogdanov]

Well, your situation is completely different and I think you've done things right. I myself put a lot of effort in chasing my ex, but she didn't want to be in a relationship with me, so I was basically hitting a wall with my head for no reason

[lostlove76]

Well, your situation is completely different and I think you've done things right. I myself put a lot of effort in chasing my ex, but she didn't want to be in a relationship with me, so I was basically hitting a wall with my head for no reason

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I'll have to give your threads a read later. If someone doesn't want a relationship with you, then that is an instance where NC is good! So I'm sure you did the right thing by giving up. Hang in there.

[RayF]

I've read many of the posts here, and think NC works in only limited scenarios, like:

 

1. When the dumper did not think carefully when breaking up

2. When the dumpee was super nice, that the dumper will miss him/her

3. When the reboung guy/girl is not good enough

4. When the dumper only wanted to use breakup to create drama

 

And, in my case, my ex-gf said i did not care enough / pay enough attention. So I have to prove I can care more. How could I do this if i cut off from her?

 

Ok, you may say you need to show her your change only when reaching out after NC. But she is seeing someone now. The longer I am absent, the easier for her to forget me.

 

 

Generally yes but it can be more complex.

 

Mine left because she didn't want to deal with the pressure of a real relationship she did not ant anyone else but she did not want to face her emotional and psychological issues that only I knew about and she ran from it. it made her worse and she missed me and me in her life and realized she wanted to come back to me and to also face her issues after three months apart.

 

So it's not always cut and dry.

[Kalpki]

...But how would he know that's what he was supposed to do?

 

Because I told her so.

my ex-gf broke NC first and several times (so basically she still cared me) keep asking for simple friendship. I just pointed out everytime I did'nt want it cause I still loved her.

I think everything changed the exact moment I quit looking at NC as a way to get her back but started moving on, work on myself (her point was right after all) and heal so getting her back again was a BYPRODUCT. Just my two cents.