It's never going to change

[Bubblegum2991]

I've been with my Fiancé for eight years. We have two beautiful children, four and 8 months old. I can see that de does try to be a good fiancé. He is also a pretty great father. In fact, he is a full-time father.

 

This all being said, we've had our issues. I've resented him quite a bit through our relationship for being unfaithful to me multiple times with multiple women. This was no different during my first pregnancy, which was made to feel like one of the worst periods of my life. He can be very easy to upset, and when he is he can be verbally abusive for hours on end. He doesn't stop, and it doesn't matter to him if our children are present for these arguments. He doesn't work, and insists on managing my money as our money. I'm in massive debt, now, and if I try to budget he harps on me about how I "worry too much". All in all, he has this nagging tendency to just make me feel awful about myself.

 

We are currently splitting rent and bills with his mother, who always takes his side in arguments. I feel like my house isn't even my home, because when he gets angry at me and tells me he doesn't even want to be with me, it's usually follow by a request that I leave.

 

By the next day, it's like I'm supposed to pretend everything is ok. I will be still exhausted from hours of being put down, and he will smile at me and call me beautiful. All I want to do is tell him to get bent, at that point. But I don't want to cause another argument.

 

It's finally tax season. We just got into another one of these fights. This Monday, while I was home sick. This would be the only time all year I would feel like I can move. I can pay first, last, and security on a two bedroom apartment for my kids and I. I know I can scrape by with them on my own. I think I might even be happier.

 

I guess it's just been so long. I've gotten so comfortable with knowing what to expect, that I am scared of change. Of being a single mother.

 

I am scared that I will fail. I am scared that it will be the wrong decision. That I will end up homeless. I am terrified that my children will resent me. Or pick him. Or some day call another woman mom.

 

But I'm also terrified that this will be my life forever. That I will never have control. That I will always have to walk on eggshells. That my kids will learn from him to be disrespectful to me. That I will never have true, happy, love with a man who doesn't always tell me how he could find someone better. With a an who I don't resent for treating me badly.

 

Because I've changed. I've become distant. And more anxious. Less of a people person. I can't believe I even ALLOW someone to treat me this way.

 

But I can't seem to actually make the decision. I am stuck in one place because of all of the fear. Just.... so much of it.

[SapphireNoir10]

He's unfaithful and abusive. You have to put your children first. They need to grow up seeing they have a strong mother figure who won't put up with this behaviour. Otherwise they will grow up thinking this is what relationships are, or this is how men treat women. Also even when they are super young they pick up on the tension/arguments.

 

It's better to be a single mother in my opinion than to have to deal with all this abuse and heartbreak constantly. I think you'd find yourself a lot happier on your own.

 

First step is to stop letting him manage YOUR money. Start a new account, put YOUR money into it.

 

Also, you will always be your childs mother, they may call a step mother mum oneday, but it won't matter because no one can replace you, and that poor woman will only be putting up with what you do now, abuse and cheating. I'd feel sorry for his future partners.

 

Take the first step and start making a list of what you need to do to get your affairs in order and the LEAVE. I promise you, you will be ok. It will take time but you will be happier without him.

 

I'm a mother too, and it would be hard to leave my husband, but there is no way I would stay with someone who was unfaithful constantly, let alone abusive as well. I deserve more and my kids do, and you do too.

[Wiseman2]

Do it for yourself and your kids, you'll be much happier. Being a single mother is a much happier place than being a single mother stuck in an abusive relationship.

 

Plan your exit on your own with help from friends and family. Do not tell him. Then file for child support and use the courts to arrange visitation/custody etc. If he continues abuse, get a restraining order.

This would be the only time all year I would feel like I can move. I can pay first, last, and security on a two bedroom apartment for my kids and I. I know I can scrape by with them on my own. I think I might even be happier.

[DancingFool]

You are already a single mother. Moving out and getting rid of him is just you getting rid of the extra mouth you are currently feeding. The guy doesn't work, but he manages, aka spends, your money. On top of that he cheats on you and abuses you. He sure got it made.....like wow.....

 

Anyway, cut him off. Open a bank account he doesn't know about and has no access to. Put your money there. Move out. Honestly, while that may seem difficult, your children will thank you for that many times later in life. They are getting stressed by the abuse they are seeing and they are getting affected by it and....they are learning from it how to behave...... The last especially is the part you want to protect them from and remove them from this situation fast.

 

He is never going to change. What you see is what you get and he will be 80 and still be himself - an abusive, cheating a hole. You need to accept that and remove your children from the abuse. Also, understand that while the children may be too young to get abused right now, they will get abused later on just the same as you are. An abuser is NOT a good father, ever.

[Bubblegum2991]

I also feel like I should add, that he doesn't work because he watches both of our small children. He does do things for me fairly often. Its the fighting I was referencing that is my concern.

 

So, that isn't the norm? I mean, all couples fight right? But how do I know when the fighting is my fault? How do I know that it isn't him? Or that it is? I know when I'm unhappy. I know when I *feel* like he's being totally wrong and insensitive. As far as the being unfaithful, I have no proof it was ever physical. Just common sense I guess, paired with the multiple sneaky messages to exes and the one broad he snuck around with while I was pregnant who called me to let me know he was hers and she game him a blowie in the shed one of the nights we were arguing. But he denys it to this day,

 

How can I tell that I am not the crazy one? That this isn't me hurting him. Because I actually wonder that when I start getting really confident about leaving. What if it really is just me.... I don't feel like it is. But I can't sever seem to hold on to the feeling/knowledge that I NEED to leave. I just find myself having that feeling all the time, and then shaking it off like I'm just thinking too much, and should stop being ing stupid.

 

I'm not trying to back out. Quite the opposite really. I just feel like such a mess right now.

[SapphireNoir10]

It's not normal end of. Can you afford a therapist? They will help you see you are being abused.

 

How can it possibly be your fault he cheats on you with multiple women? How can it possibly be your fault he verbally abuses you, no matter what you do, you don't deserve that.

 

You need to leave. For your children. This isn't a good enviroment for them.

 

It doesn't matter whose fault the fighting is, only that the relationship is toxic. It's not ok to expose kids to that relationship.

[DancingFool]

The confusion you are feeling is really normal. You have been in an abusive relationship for such a long time and one thing that abusers are really good at is making you believe that it is all your fault. That you caused the fight, that you did whatever wrong, that you are the problem, that you should feel bad about it, etc, etc, etc. The abuser is never at fault in his mind. It's the world that is wrong never ever him. He will brainwash you into believing that even though deep down in your gut you know something is not right with that picture, thus the confusion.

 

Someone who will rant at you for hours and hours nonstop is not mentally healthy. Period. I guarantee you that he will turn that on your children as well. As they get older, as they start to talk back to him or challenge him in any way, he will abuse them mentally and will blow up at them and rant at them and screw them over even worse than you. You are an adult, they are still forming mentally and emotionally.

 

You have got to find it in you to leave him. Then please get some counseling to sort yourself out, to clear away all the fears and doubts you have, to understand how you stuck around so long with this louse and most important, to make sure you never go back and never fall for another one like that.

[Bubblegum2991]

I'm almost sure this is a stupid question. But what if he hasn't done any of the cheating since that pregnancy. It was all before the birth of our first son. Is it still ok for me to resent him for it if he hasn't done anything since?

 

As far as the fighting, I agree. It IS the biggest problem. I don't know why,, but I just feel like I need to be able to prove to him that I'm right for leaving. I'm scared that otherwise he will somehow draw me back in like he always has.

 

 

Thank you for continuing to consul me on this. ..

[Wiseman2]

Huh? It's not a mutual decision. Either you do some soul searching and conclude it's for the best or you stay in this because you like the mr. mom arrangement you have. Chronically leaving, talking about leaving etc is a way you are creating a horribly unstable situation for your kids. Make up your mind. Stop the drama and fighting and either work on stability or go.

I just feel like I need to be able to prove to him that I'm right for leaving.

[DancingFool]

Be honest with yourself, it's not him you need to prove anything to, it's YOU.

 

Perhaps you do need to go and schedule an appointment with a therapist today, as soon as they can possibly get you in. Tell them it's an emergency and you can't wait and get a brutally honest professional opinion about your situation. Maybe that will actually help you see and serve as a cold bucket of wake me up.

 

How is cheating ever OK? Like ever? Stop kidding yourself. You seem to fear change more than you fear abuse. I guess you've gotten so used to the abuse that it's become normal to you.

[Bubblegum2991]

Honestly....thank you.

 

You're both right.

 

I need to just get myself together and do what's right for me at this point even if I'm worried about what it will do to him. Or what his family will say. Or how things will turn out. Cause I am always going to be unhappy if I don't. Even the best moments will be brief like they always are.

 

Thank you..

[DancingFool]

Honestly....thank you.

 

You're both right.

 

I need to just get myself together and do what's right for me at this point even if I'm worried about what it will do to him. Or what his family will say. Or how things will turn out. Cause I am always going to be unhappy if I don't. Even the best moments will be brief like they always are.

 

Thank you..

 

When he is abusing you he sure as heck doesn't give a hoot about your well being and how you feel.

 

Print this out and put it on your fridge, phone screen, etc. Read at every single weak moment and remember that.

 

As for his family, maybe they should have done a better job raising him. I mean really, they have no say so in this and you need to grow a spine about that. It's YOUR life and it's getting shorter by the minute. Don't waste any more of that in misery.

[Billie28]

You say he is a great father, yet you say he is verbally abusive to you in front of the children.

 

This is no longer about you. You need to remove your children from that environment. What kind of lesson are you teaching them? Get out! Now!

[SapphireNoir10]

Life is too short to waste it on an unhealthy relationship. You can do this, I believe in you. Keep telling yourself you deserve more, and your children deserve more. They need a happy mom.

[UnchainedSoul]

It sounds like you're stuck in a loop of what "he thinks." This isn't about him it's about YOU. Therapy is a great option, but since you do have the window of leaving take it and go. Being verbally abusive in front of children does mess them up in relationships. I know because I had an abusive father, and honestly sometimes I find myself lashing out and abusing men. It's a horrible cycle. Do you want that for your kids? Be strong, dear one. Do the right thing here. You know what it is.

[catfeeder]

I can see that de does try to be a good fiancé.

 

Nah, a 'good' fiance would be loyal and not cheat. And good 'fiance' would marry you, as by definition, the term implies.

 

This would be the only time all year I would feel like I can move. I can pay first, last, and security on a two bedroom apartment for my kids and I. I know I can scrape by with them on my own. I think I might even be happier.

 

Why is this the only time of year you can move out? Meet with a lawyer or your local legal aid agency to learn the laws in your area, your options, and the best steps to take for each option. Then, when you're ready to choose an option, you'll have a plan, and you'll have the lawyer to initiate child support payments along with any other kind of support to which you may be entitled as a tax payer.

 

A lawyer or legal aid may also refer you to a support group that can help you navigate a move and learn confidence--even happiness--on your own.

 

We never get any wasted time back again for do-overs.

[KantSleep]

He sounds like a bad man. That is my interpretation of your post. He is a cheat and an abuser. Walking on eggshells sucks. He has put you in this state. While it's hard to get out, I don't see any other way. It's not likely he will change. Men like this typically don't.

[Bubblegum2991]

So, I've changed my username, but HI.

 

 

To answer a previous question, the reason now would be easiest is because of the Tax return. If I wait till after, he will have already helped to distribute it else where and I wont have money for a place.

 

This weekend, he was nice. Really VERY nice. I've noticed this usually happens after fights, but especially when I've started to plan leaving. I've received multiple text messages today alone about how wonderful, and beautiful, and helpful I am. He's been super attentive to our kids, and constantly made sure I was ok and didn't need anything.

 

A whole 3 days of the kind of relationship I wouldn't even think about leaving.

 

This isn't the first bit of time that he has displayed this wonderful behavior. I know it wont last FOREVER. There will be a fight, and it will get verbally nasty. When this happens I'll wish I wasn't there. Still, it makes me feel like such a bad person for planning my "escape". Because in those "nice" moments, I wonder what I'm even trying to escape. I forget. I feel like it was all in my head. I feel like maybe life without him will be awful.

 

I haven't stopped planning. I haven't forgotten completely what awaits me the next time I say something wrong (or just don't sat the right thing). I know this.

 

SO why do I feel like a walking pile of when he says lovely things, and follows it with an I love you? Do I say I love you back? Do I smile in his face while I conspire to leave? I can't imagine telling him before I'm ready. But I'm not a liar, and I feel like one.

[Wiseman2]

This weekend, he was nice. Really VERY nice. I've noticed this usually happens after fights, but especially when I've started to plan leaving. I've received multiple text messages today alone about how wonderful, and beautiful, and helpful I am. He's been super attentive to our kids, and constantly made sure I was ok and didn't need anything.

[Seraphim]

In fact he's not a good father . Any man who abuses his child's mother is not a good father . Your children witnessing you being abused is child abuse .

 

It is better to be alone with your kids then have them endure being abused.

[Seraphim]

I have PTSD today because my mom was drawn in every time by my abusive father .

[Bubblegum2991]

 

That is....wow.

 

Oh god..

[itsallgrand]

I think you should connect with a resource in your town that helps people in abusive relationships. As in, call today.

 

One of the most dangerous times is when you go to leave. The abuse tends to escalate as the abuser gets desperate and angry.

 

There are places in practically every town in North America to help you. Women's resource centres, emergency family health clinics, centres and shelters that deal specifically with transitioning out of an abusive environment.