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Was it rape?

Billie28

By Billie28
in Abuse and Violence

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Billie28 Mentor

Billie28

Posted
Posted

Hi,

I was 17. I graduated from high school at 16,went to uni at a young age. I had sex with two men prior. Neither were one night stands but neither hung around long after .

 

I fancied a guy at uni. He was 18. A group of us went out one night, including him. We all had a bit to drink. I ended up going back to a house party. We kissed .

 

The night was over but we all were sleeping the night off . All students so need to get public transport in morning as opposed to taxis we couldn't afford.

 

Fell asleep in his arms. I woke up to him on top of me asking if he should pull out. (I assume for birth control reasons) I said yes and he came outside of me.

 

That was 25 years ago and still I wonder.

Was I raped? Was it my fault? I was drunk, I put myself in that position.

 

All opinions welcome. Thank you!

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Pretzel Collaborator

Pretzel

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I have a close friend who recently confessed a very very similar thing that happened while we were at university, to her. I asked why she had never mentioned it to me before, and she said because she thought it was her fault / that she put herself in that position. But years later, she came to realise that she was essentially raped. She confronted the guy last year, sent him a message basically saying something along the lines of when this event happened 'you knew I was out of it, didn't you?' And he said yes. She said she feels eerie and uncomfortable thinking about it / talking about it too much, which is another reason why she hasn't really discussed it before. She also said she always had wondered, and more recently she had more clarity on it and has stopped blaming herself.

It is rape, because you didn't give consent.

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SherrySher Grand Master

SherrySher

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Just wanted to ask quickly, were you blacked out and is it possible that you told him it was okay, or that you went along with his advances being too drunk to realise?

I ask that because if he thought that somehow it was okay and he had the impression that you were okay with it, it would be difficult to prove that it was rape.

This is where the lines really get blurry because you might not even recall if you allowed him to become intimate, after all, you woke up at the end of it and it doesn't sound as though you can quite remember.

However, if you did not consent or if you were blacked out and he knew it, then yes, this is quite clearly rape.

 

Was it your fault? No woman would knowingly put herself in that position nor would anyone want to be raped. Did you drink too much? Probably, but you were careless as many teenagers are/were that doesn't ever mean you deserved it or that you were at fault.

It sounds as though you are still trying to get past this incident. I hope you don't let it haunt you. I realise that memories that are not nice ones, can linger and you go over and over them wondering if you could have prevented them or if you caused it and so on. But at the end of the day, you need to let it go.

Somehow you've got to come to acceptance of it, stop feeling any sort of guilt over it, stop letting it upset you and let it fade into the past.

You were a young girl who made a mistake with drinking, (many of us do) and something unfortunate happened. You did NOT deserve it, and you did not ask for this to happen.

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Billie28 Mentor

Billie28

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Sherry , no I wasn't blacked out. I was drunk and probably Because of that in deep sleep.

If this happened recently I might question if I drunkenly consented but when I was 17, I know I wouldn't have. I feel at fault because I allowed myself to sleep on the floor next to a guy whilst drunk.

 

Wiseman, it's not only 25 yrs later that I wonder. I have wondered all the time but yes things trigger the memory. Someone recently confided in me that he was sexually abused from the age of 12. I don't know the full details but I'm trying to convince him it wasn't his fault. But I feel hypocritical.

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ParisPaulette Rising Star

ParisPaulette

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If you weren't conscious to give him consent, then yes it was. Who even thinks, "Hmm, this person is passed out/unconscious/so out of it they're seeing purple unicorns - I know, she/he wants to have sex with me!"

 

Unfortunately yes, you were definitely sexually assaulted. If you feel you need to talk to someone about it you can call call a sexual abuse hotline or see a therapist.

 

And no, you didn't ask for it. You were asleep. That's not asking. "Asking for it" is a term I'm pretty sure those who enjoy justifying their sexual assault and/or abuse of others is something they came up with to try and make it seem "okay."

 

It's not and it wasn't. I hope you're doing better now. And as to your friend, the age of 12 is not of an age to consent, even if he said yes. We have laws on the books plus people do have moral codes, they do know what is right or wrong. Sex with minors, sex with unconscious or sleeping or passed out people unless discussed beforehand is wrong, is illegal, and we all know it.

 

Anyone who says differently is lying. You aren't a hypocrite in any way for telling your friend what happened to him wasn't his fault. Because it wasn't, nor was yours. People who will sexually take advantage of other people don't wear that label across their forehead, unfortunately.

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  • 2 weeks later...
SoundofReason Contributor

SoundofReason

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I have a close friend who recently confessed a very very similar thing that happened while we were at university, to her. I asked why she had never mentioned it to me before, and she said because she thought it was her fault / that she put herself in that position. But years later, she came to realise that she was essentially raped. She confronted the guy last year, sent him a message basically saying something along the lines of when this event happened 'you knew I was out of it, didn't you?' And he said yes. She said she feels eerie and uncomfortable thinking about it / talking about it too much, which is another reason why she hasn't really discussed it before. She also said she always had wondered, and more recently she had more clarity on it and has stopped blaming herself.

It is rape, because you didn't give consent.

 

totally disagree...

 

if he's talking to her ..then she must have given consent.

 

what about all the times a girl gets on top of a guy who is drunk, and yes this happens alot. How come that is never considered rape? Double standard much?

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Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

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totally disagree...

 

if he's talking to her ..then she must have given consent.

 

what about all the times a girl gets on top of a guy who is drunk, and yes this happens alot. How come that is never considered rape? Double standard much?

If it happens to a man also rape.

 

Because they are talking does not imply consent. You can't even hop on your wife because well she's your wife and you had consent yesterday.

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qwaspolk82 Contributor

qwaspolk82

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totally disagree...

 

if he's talking to her ..then she must have given consent.

 

what about all the times a girl gets on top of a guy who is drunk, and yes this happens alot. How come that is never considered rape? Double standard much?

 

What?

 

If a girl has sex with a guy who is unconscious or unable to consent that too is rape. No one has ever said that it isn't. If you have had that happen to you or know someone it did happen to you need to report it. Rape is rape regardless of gender of the perpetrator.

 

She woke up and then he asked her - so she obviously didn't consent if she had no clue he was on top of her and the last thing she remembered before passing out is just being in his arms. Based on the info here, there was no consent. You don't think a rapist ever talks to an unconscious person? If there were other people in the room he could have done that to try to say he got consent.

 

If she was unconscious it was rape. End of story.

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qwaspolk82 Contributor

qwaspolk82

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its not a gross assumption

 

If she spoke to him towards the end, it is logical to assume that consent was given at the beginning. Is it possible that that didn't happen? Yes, but its also equally as possible that it did.

 

No there is nothing logical about that. At all. Yes it is a gross assumption.

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qwaspolk82 Contributor

qwaspolk82

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Well its happened to me and many guys i know..how come nothing is ever done then?

 

Because YOU didn't report it. As I said if you had this happen to you then REPORT IT. The police can't arrest someone if they don't know about a crime being committed.

 

This is the same reason men don't get prosecuted for rape or domestic violence - the victim didn't report it. If you and a lot of other guys are being constantly raped by a woman or women why wouldn't you report it?

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reinventmyself Grand Master

reinventmyself

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its not a gross assumption

 

If she spoke to him towards the end, it is logical to assume that consent was given at the beginning. Is it possible that that didn't happen? Yes, but its also equally as possible that it did.

 

No. . not logical. Again it's an assumption of yours.

Is it possible? Anything is possible, but I doubt she'd be here asking if she had the discussion you think she had where she did give consent.

 

If she consented to having sex with this guy then this post would not exist.

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lukeb Experienced

lukeb

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Because YOU didn't report it. As I said if you had this happen to you then REPORT IT. The police can't arrest someone if they don't know about a crime being committed.

 

This is the same reason men don't get prosecuted for rape or domestic violence - the victim didn't report it. If you and a lot of other guys are being constantly raped by a woman or women why wouldn't you report it?

 

I would be less interested at this point in seeking justice unless you think it would help you in anyway to process and move on from this experience. Very often the experience in reporting it to be police and what they experience through the legal system is worse than the alleged rape or assault they experienced. The justice system is not there to help you process this in any way they are just there to figure out what happened objectively. If you are not suffering from any obvious after effects, and you have been able to move on and it has been a learning experience, then I see very little use in reporting it. Whatever you do just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons, but definitely not because out of some sense of duty. Your duty is to yourself and your well being.

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qwaspolk82 Contributor

qwaspolk82

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Posted
I would be less interested at this point in seeking justice unless you think it would help you in anyway to process and move on from this experience. Very often the experience in reporting it to be police and what they experience through the legal system is worse than the alleged rape or assault they experienced. The justice system is not there to help you process this in any way they are just there to figure out what happened objectively. If you are not suffering from any obvious after effects, and you have been able to move on and it has been a learning experience, then I see very little use in reporting it. Whatever you do just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons, but definitely not because out of some sense of duty. Your duty is to yourself and your well being.

 

Wrong. The police and justice system are there to help. Reporting it DOES help a survivor move on. Getting his or her voice back helps him or her to move on. It is not worse than the rape or assault.

 

I wasn't the one that was raped or assaulted so why are you telling me to do these things? You replied to my quote not the man who said he was assaulted and never reported it. Please reply to the right quotes.

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lukeb Experienced

lukeb

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Wrong. The police and justice system are there to help. Reporting it DOES help a survivor move on. Getting his or her voice back helps him or her to move on. It is not worse than the rape or assault.

 

I wasn't the one that was raped or assaulted so why are you telling me to do these things? You replied to my quote not the man who said he was assaulted and never reported it. Please reply to the right quotes.

 

You may believe that is what the justice system should be for, though personally I am glad that it isn't. I'd rather have a rational and objective justice system than one that is passionate, emotional, empathetic and there to help people. The police are not actually there to help you deal at all, they are there to figure out what happened, nothing more. This has to be done in a very specific way because perception and recollection are very tricky things.

 

It was a reply to your post, relevant, so |I don't see anything wrong with it.

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