I'm getting frustrated with my depressed boyfriend

[Sadness12287]

Hey guys,

 

I've been with my boyfriend for over 7 years now. Overall, we have a healthy relationship. I had to escape an abusive environment to be with him and we've been living together now (mostly happily) for two years now.

 

So....I want to go back to college! Im so excited and am planning to move with my boyfriend to another city. I've applied to 7 so there's a lot of decisions to make.

 

My BF has been on work sick-leave since September and is suffering with depression. He has lost his motivation but is on board for the move. He is seeing a therapist and is on meds.

 

However, when I pressure him about the future/ask about his work plans, he can't handle it. He gets very anxious, tired and a few times had a panic attack.

 

I want my BF to get better but on the other hand, I'm starting to resent the situation. I work 2 jobs (used to work 3), and have been working while also dealing with PTSD and my own issues.

 

When I was working less, I would do all the cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping. Now that he's not working at all, he struggles with even making us a meal. I know he has an illness, but Ive also been dealing with stuff and was able to have a hot meal ready for him.

 

His therapist says I should stop pushing the subject (according to him) but I am planning to move in July and must accept college decisions before then! I have already been getting offers!

 

Long story short, my depressed boyfriend cannot talk about the future without having anxiety/panic attacks. His therapist says I should get my own therapist to discuss my issues but who do I discuss the move with?

[abitbroken]

I would move without him and seek therapy for yourself. You said you escaped an abusive relationship and ran right into his arms. As PTSD sufferer and an abuse survivor, i urge you to not push him and to focus on you. Get treatment. Do not become his caretaker. If he needs to live with a relative or can afford the place on his own, start your studies. It may be enabling him a bit for you to take care of him. Also, he may have been depressed before you met him and you were so eager to have a white knight save you that you overlooked it.

[Sadness12287]

I don't know if I'm pushing too far. I'm planning to start my studies next Fall and would be moving in July. So far he hasn't really shown any improvement. I can't talk to him about the future. He says he'll be able to transfer to any location with his job (true) so I'm wondering if I should wait/be more patient. Am I wrong to talk about it so early/while he's depressed?

[abitbroken]

I know he has an illness, but Ive also been dealing with stuff and was able to have a hot meal ready for him.

 

Everyone deals with depression differently. Just because you had a hot meal ready for him does not mean he is capable of that. Your nature could also be slightly more codependent than him - or just different. So don't judge it as bad or good. He needs help, but he is not going to go get it as long as you are paying the bills, making him food, cleaning up after him, etc. He panics about the future because it means that he has to leave his comfort zone.

 

When does school start for you? Have you actually accepted anywhere? Or are they just applications? Honestly, if he is to move with you, then he needs to come later when he has found work. If that means he is living with relatives after you go - that's what it means. If you move him with you, you will be caretaking him.

[Sadness12287]

I understand what you mean but being depressed myself in the past, I put him first. I didn't feel like getting up but I didn't want him to go hungry. You know, I feel like I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and..For what? So he can break down anytime I talk about starting in a new city? I feel so tired of it all. I just want him to get his stuff together.

 

I haven't been accepted anywhere but will know very soon (colleges are assessing my application). Then I'll have to narrow down where to go. He can go pretty much to any of these cities because his work offers transfers. But he's not at that point yet. Am I too impatient?

[abitbroken]

I understand what you mean but being depressed myself in the past, I put him first. I didn't feel like getting up but I didn't want him to go hungry. You know, I feel like I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and..For what? So he can break down anytime I talk about starting in a new city? I feel so tired of it all. I just want him to get his stuff together.

 

I haven't been accepted anywhere but will know very soon (colleges are assessing my application). Then I'll have to narrow down where to go. He can go pretty much to any of these cities because his work offers transfers. But he's not at that point yet. Am I too impatient?

 

That's codependency talking. If you were in an abusive relationship before, its common to develop codependency and now you are making martyr statements. "Look at how i've sacrificed!" "i put him first always over and above my own well being" etc. That is unhealthy. I wouldn't count on him transferring if he has been out of work since September due to depression - why would any of those other divisions in those cities want to take him on? He could really be breaking down when you talk about school, but those could also be manipulative tears as well.

[Sadness12287]

I've never thought that maybe I could be codependent. How I see it is I had to do what I had to do. Cooking meals? Essential. Cleaning? Essential. If I didn't cook during those times then there would be no food on the table. I did what I had to do for us. Not to say he doesn't do anything - he cooked a meal today (then passed out from exhaustion). He also helped put away the groceries. I don't know what to say to him because he becomes extremely overwhelmed. How do i phrase the conversation?