How much time is enough?

[Jackiegirl0997]

I've had two serious relationships in the past and in both of them, we regularly looked forward to seeing eachother after work, after a long stressful day, to just be together. My current relationship is with an amazing man. He is motivated, hard working, honest, trustworthy. I'm proud to be his. There were hard things I went through and when I needed him most, he was there.

 

But the thing I'm finding is I think we have different attachment styles. He LOVES his alone time. He likes sleeping alone at night. I myself love to cuddle and be near the person I love. If we fight, he wants me to leave him alone. If he's sick, no matter what I offer, he wants to be left alone. If he has a big day tomorrow, I can't sleep over. I know he loves me it just I've always received love in different ways. By physical touch and presence. I want him to comfort me when I'm sick or sad or had a bad day.. and he would rather be alone. He just bought a home and asked me to eventually move in with him. I was so excited because I don't wanna keep having the "am I coming over later" arguments. I know life gets in the way, we both work a lot. So I guess my question is how do I keep a balance of getting what I need from him but also giving him his space?

[Matt3939]

I don't have a real answer. I'm just goin to say this might be the way he is. He might absolutely love and be willing to do anything for you.

It actually sounds a lot like myself. Alone time I think everyone needs this from time to time. Though he shouldnt be oblivious and realize to make time. Maybe find similar hobbies?

Sleeping and cuddling. I always slept better alone but never prefered it. All except my last relationship was his way. This changed I really miss this now. The whole cuddling part . I don't really have an explanation for this. I think it was chemistry and the cortship in the beginning.

Arguments it matters how they go down. If I know I'll say something I'll regret. I shut down. If I know it's not going to get resolved I leave the situation. I don't know but do you feel the need to fix it right then and there? And keep coming at him to do so?

Being sick matters what type of illness I'd want to deal with it alone too.

[j.man]

How long have you two been together?

 

He seems to be on the more exteme end of solitary but I empathize a lot with him. I absolutely hate getting others sick and, really, I've never been one to play the whole dramatically helpless bit during a cold or flu. I also prefer to internalize and deal with stress on my own whenever possible. And, after my first live in girlfriend, I really learned to appreciate the space afforded when you're in the living apart stage.

 

I live with my girlfriend of three years now. Wouldn't have it any other way. Even so, with her lying next to me asleep right now, radiating about 160 degrees of heat, I've got half a mind to stiff arm her off the bed and sprawl out.

 

Ultimately, this is who he is. Don't expect that he'll become a cuddle bug if you two were to ever live in. The bed will likely have clear halves. He'll likely have his man cave / corner of the house he retreats to. It sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible, where you are relying on him to change to meet your needs.

[Wiseman2]

It's important not to live in the past when in a new relationship. This leads to 'we were all right and this new guy is wrong' thinking. It sounds like he's more introverted than you and need his alone time to reflect process decompress and recharge.

 

There probably won't be a balance. He will feel smothered and you will feel neglected. Unless you can learn to diversify yourself and not make one person responsible for all your company, comfort, etc.

 

If you were a more independent person who had self-soothing skills and learned to entertain yourself or had a larger circle of friends to call, comfort you, hang out with, etc. that would help you tremendously, not just with a this guy who wants space but in general. You would feel less clingy and needy in relationships and could welcome rather than depend on someone so much.

in both of them, we regularly looked forward to seeing eachother after work, after a long stressful day, to just be together. I don't wanna keep having the "am I coming over later" arguments.

[RainyCoast]

i am of the extremely solitary species and i feel smothered just having read this. don't get me wrong, there are lots of people who would love this, but some of us are trying really hard not to hiss and scratch when you want to mother us, nurse us, and want us to spill out our feelings while you cuddle us.

 

if he is okay with you most of the time just accept his preferences for those times he is showing you he needs to deal alone, such as when preparing for a stressful day, recovering, and decompressing after an argument. if he constantly prefers you to be apart that's different, but i'm assuming he does not since he suggested you move in together.

 

i hope your testament to him being there when you were going through hard times isn't indicative of the idea of a relationship being a perpetual overflowing of comforting consolation to compensate for life's disappointments.

 

which brings me to your mention of attachment styles-- whose is the disruptive one that needs adjustment?

 

is he as dismissive as you are insecure? it's hard to tell from the post if he is really dismissive. to me he sounds quite healthy, well-individuated, with a good degree of emotional autonomy. but then maybe i'm biased because i'm quick to feel smothered myself.

 

try to look at it objectively, take other factors and situations into account, to see whether your experience of this distance between you is realistic.