It's not about me, why do I feel bad about it?

[NowandZen]

So, one thing you need to know about me is I am a natural smartass. Sometimes I think I should follow the George Costanza method of saying the OPPOSITE of what I am thinking.

 

Recently, I made a smartass remark to someone who works for me. It was a light, throwaway comment. Looking back on it, I can see that there was no point in making it.

 

Couple of days later that person came to me and said that he didn't appreciate the remark. Especially that others could overhear. He said it respectfully, and I do appreciate when people tell me that they don't like something instead of stewing over it.

 

Still, it has stuck in my head, and I keep thinking about it. Given that he was unhappy, I don't think it could have gone any better. But I still feel bad. I feel bad that I hurt his feelings and I feel bad that he felt bad.

 

I suppose I want people to like me all the time. I know that's impossible. Question is, what do I do to move past this?

[j.man]

Folks around here probably wouldn't believe it, but I can be a bit of a smartass, too. Occasionally crossing the line comes with the territory (though I'd make as little a habit of it as possible when it comes to professional life, especially if you don't know that's their sense of humor, and especially especially if they're a subordinate). Humility also comes with it if you want to be a smartass who people actually like. A heart-felt apology and admitting you were an ass goes a long way. Given he's a grown guy, so long as you apologize and cut him a bit of slack, I don't think there's any reason he'd hold resentment for you.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Hey there- you don't really explain how you reacted to his feedback. Did you tell him you were sorry and that you felt bad?

 

If so, then I totally relate if you are still have trouble letting go of the fact that you "were an ass".

 

In my case, I always feel like a bit of an ass and so, when someone calls me so, it magnifies my really high expectations of myself to "never be an ass" and I go into toxic self-critique. It sucks.

 

For a long time people would say that I wanted everyone to like me. That's kind of true in a way. But it's very self-blaming, and also not quite true. I find seeing that I have too high expectations of myself ("I must always be likeable") as the real obstacle.

 

Give yourself a break- maybe your high benchmark of how to be is not serving you, but causing a lot of toxic replay and remorse.

[Wiseman2]

He spoke his piece, so just forget about it and don't use sarcasm around this guy.

Couple of days later that person came to me and said that he didn't appreciate the remark. Especially that others could overhear. He said it respectfully, and I do appreciate when people tell me that they don't like something instead of stewing over it.

[JaggerJim]

Yeah I think don't change who you are, but since this guy got offended just don't do it around him. Just be pleasant and what-not. I wouldn't worry about it. Some people are just super sensitive.

[Naomi99]

You gotta know your audience.

[Capricorn3]

Couple of days later that person came to me and said that he didn't appreciate the remark. Especially that others could overhear.

Did you at least apologize?

 

I suppose I want people to like me all the time.

I think being a smartass is probably not going to get you the result you want. There's a time and place for everything - you need to learn to filter.

[abitbroken]

Even if your sarcasm IS appreciated by your friends, remember that in a professional environment, it might not be, especially if you make a crack about someone's appearance or way carrying themselves and it certainly does not translate at all if you were communicating with a client from another country or someone that was just plain not familiar with you. Save it for wings night. Maybe for you to professional grow, its learning how to make the kind of small talk that shows you are invested in people that does not tear others down inadvertently.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Given that he was unhappy, I don't think it could have gone any better. But I still feel bad. I feel bad that I hurt his feelings and I feel bad that he felt bad.

 

Tell him this, with humility and respect. It's amazing how far admission of a wrongdoing can go. As a leader, you'd be setting an example of how you expect your team to handle their mistakes and wrongdoings. Own it, fix it, move past it.

 

A couple years back, a staff member was telling me his ideas for improvements. The timing was terrible for me, and so was my response. I basically brushed him off. I could see the hurt in his face, and I felt like total dog poo. The next day I went to him and apologized. I said I was wrong to brush him off like that, that his ideas are important to me, and I want to hear them. I told him it was bad timing for me to hear them, but I should never have made that his problem. I asked if he'd give me another chance for us to improve things together.

 

After that we made arrangements to talk periodically about ideas, and it was exciting for us, collaborating. He has turned out to be one of my biggest "fans" and supporters. He has told upper management that when I'm right, I'm right, and when I'm wrong, I admit it. He respects that.

 

You can turn this into a positive. It's how we behave under pressure that really shows who we are. Mistakes are human.

[NowandZen]

Well I was a little stunned. I'm not sure if I even apologized. I assured him that I didn't mean it in a negative way, and that I appreciated that he came to me since he was unhappy.

[NowandZen]

You know, I don't think he is really that sensitive, I just hit a pain point somehow. I think he's cool with it now. I just don't understand why I am holding on to it.

[NowandZen]

Did you at least apologize?

 

Not sure, like I said in another reply, I was a little stunned. I did say I wouldn't do it again.

 

I think being a smartass is probably not going to get you the result you want. There's a time and place for everything - you need to learn to filter.

 

At the risk of being a smartass again, I get that. That's not my issue. My issue is how to let go of the incident.