Issues with roommate, not sure what to do

[surfdiva]

So, I live in an amazing 3 bedroom, 3 bath house near the beach. I have an awesome teenage son that lives with me for one week on, one week off. Even when it's my week, he's rarely home. So I found myself alone a lot in this large home, just me and my dog. I had a friend who had a friend that needed a place to stay pretty much right away. We met, we clicked and decided she'd move in. She pays a reasonable rate for the area, etc. She's in her 30's a really nice girl. When she first moved in she went out a LOT, she'd leave on Friday and I wouldn't see her again till Monday.

 

Well, lately she is home ALL the time. NEVER ever goes out, not even on the weekends. It's fine...she pays rent and has every right to be there as much as she wants. The problem I have is that when she's home (which is usually before I get home), she parks herself on my couch and watches my TV (70 inch that I paid over $3K for). As an example, this past weekend, I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to Netflix all day on my couch with my dog. Well, she got up early, got her blanket and laid on the couch and literally stayed there allllllll weekend watching TV. My TV, that I paid a lot of money for. I really don't mind sharing my things but it's getting to the point that I only get to watch TV in my bedroom on my much smaller TV. We went out one night last week for dinner, came home...we both plopped on the couch, I turned on a show I wanted to watch and got up to use the restroom. While I was in the restroom, she changed the channel. Grrr.

 

I feel like an @hole. She's honestly the nicest person and generally a really great roommate. I was married for so long and haven't had someone live with me for so long, I wonder if I'm just being petty and a jerk and should let it go. I feel like I can't say anything, I know it would embarrass her, which is NOT what I want.

 

So....should I let it go, am I being a jerk? Be honest

[Wiseman2]

Does she have a tv in her room? Is there a rec room or other area with a tv?

[Matt3939]

Geeze my TV is 120" the problem here is the common areas. Does she have her own bedroom? If so she should have enough respect to watch what she wants in there. After all it is your stuff.

[surfdiva]

Sorry! I should have mentioned that I gave her a TV around the time she moved in. I was going through my house getting rid of things. The TV she had wasn't working so I just gave her one. She hasn't set it up or anything, it's sitting in the corner of her room.

[j.man]

I can kinda empathize with you. I've always been the one who buys the TV and entertainment center whether with roommates or my girlfriend. First thing I'd advise is to get the whole "MY TV" thing out of your head. Yes, it's yours. But when you've got it plopped in the common area where obviously she can't just have her own TV stacked right on top of it for her to use, it's, in practice, a community TV. It's yours in the sense that you own it, she can't take it, and it stays or goes with you. It'd just come off as pretentious if you made your ownership of it any part of the discussion.

 

That out of the way, you're definitely more than welcome to ask her if you can watch something or if you can have a day of vegging out on the couch to your shows. I'm wondering if you've given this a shot yet? If she's not receptive, then I'd get a bit more assertive about it. She does appear to be lacking courtesy without so much as offering you the remote on occasion, but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and not take it so personally without kindly asking her when you want a go at Netflix.

 

My hope is that she's more oblivious than she is a conscious bogard. Let us know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

Get the tv in her room set up, it will be worth it.

She hasn't set it up or anything, it's sitting in the corner of her room.

[surfdiva]

I can kinda empathize with you. I've always been the one who buys the TV and entertainment center whether with roommates or my girlfriend. First thing I'd advise is to get the whole "MY TV" thing out of your head. Yes, it's yours. But when you've got it plopped in the common area where obviously she can't just have her own TV stacked right on top of it for her to use, it's, in practice, a community TV. It's yours in the sense that you own it, she can't take it, and it stays or goes with you. It'd just come off as pretentious if you made your ownership of it any part of the discussion.

 

That out of the way, you're definitely more than welcome to ask her if you can watch something or if you can have a day of vegging out on the couch to your shows. I'm wondering if you've given this a shot yet? If she's not receptive, then I'd get a bit more assertive about it. She does appear to be lacking courtesy without so much as offering you the remote on occasion, but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and not take it so personally without kindly asking her when you want a go at Netflix.

 

My hope is that she's more oblivious than she is a conscious bogard. Let us know how it goes.

 

She's really a nice person, not a mean bone in her body so I think it's just being oblivious. That's why I think I'd embarrass her if I brought it up and I think she'd do the polar opposite and just hide in her room...which I don't want either. I just want to be able to veg when I want to sometimes

[surfdiva]

Get the tv in her room set up, it will be worth it.

 

Should I go in there and do it myself or mention having her set it up. I want/need to word it delicately. I have the kind of personality where I prefer people to say "girl, you're being a jerk, set up the damn tv in your room would ya" but I know not everyone is like that so I need to be considerate

[surfdiva]

Geeze my TV is 120" the problem here is the common areas. Does she have her own bedroom? If so she should have enough respect to watch what she wants in there. After all it is your stuff.

 

Dude!?!?! That's a HUGE TV, LOL!

[katrina1980]

 

The problem I have is that when she's home (which is usually before I get home), she parks herself on my couch and watches my TV (70 inch that I paid over $3K for).

 

.... she got up early, got her blanket and laid on the couch and literally stayed there allllllll weekend watching TV. My TV, that I paid a lot of money for. I really don't mind sharing my things but it's getting to the point that I only get to watch TV in my bedroom on my much smaller TV.

 

Hey surfdiva, long time no chat!

 

Okay tbh I do think you are being a bit of an a-hole (your word) re your TV. Sorry.

 

Unless there was an understanding or something in the lease stating that she is not entitled to house privileges, imo she has every right to watch your TV.... since it's set up in the living room or common area.

 

But I DO think she is taking advantage and being very inconsiderate!

 

It is certainly NOT how I would behave when rooming with another person, especially if I were moving into their home, using their things.

 

If it were me in this situation, I would talk to her and suggest some sort of compromise wherein she gets to watch tv in living room (for xxx amount of days) and you get to watch for xxx amount of days.

 

On the other days, you each watch tv in your respective bedrooms.

 

Just tell her (nicely and respectfully) that while you enjoy having her as a roommate, you feel like you are losing your privacy.

 

That will get the convo going, and from there if she asks you can explain why and suggest the compromise.

 

Good luck!

[j.man]

She's really a nice person, not a mean bone in her body so I think it's just being oblivious. That's why I think I'd embarrass her if I brought it up and I think she'd do the polar opposite and just hide in her room...which I don't want either. I just want to be able to veg when I want to sometimes think the fair thing to do would be to kindly ask her even at the risk of embarrassment rather than her having a roommate who resents her over something she's oblivious about.

[reinventmyself]

I went through something similar and the take away was that if I ever rent a room out again, it will literally be `a room'.

 

I rented to a friend who took over my house. After a long day surrounded by staff and a long commute, I just want my down time.

 

She was a little on the needy side anxiously waiting for me to come home, parked on my couch.

I was polite and would say hello and then go straight to my room and close the door.

 

I felt like I was renting a room and was sequestered to it.

Not to mention she wasn't an equal roommate. Meaning had she been she would have been paying half the living expenses for the town house.

 

I paid 4 times what she did and the amount we agreed to would be considered market value for renting a room with her own private bath.

But the tables slowly turned and she had run of the house and I didn't.

 

She got upset when I asked her to monitor her laundry and not fill the washer and dryer on a Saturday morning and then leave for the entire day.

I didn't do it. I was trying to be considerate.

 

The conversation came about when after weeks of this and I got impatient and I carefully hung her wet clothes to use the

washer.

I could get on roll here but I'll stop. . Sheesh! I get riled up again

 

Lesson learned.

If I ever do it again I will be absolutely clear on my expectations.

I lost a friendship over it.

 

I feel for you. I don't know how you redefine it after the fact.

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, just say "I've been meaning to set up that tv" then get it done. It's your house and your tv, you set it up with permission to enter her room.

 

Perhaps the weekend binge-watching in the main area will resolve. The only reason she's on your couch is because there's no other tv for her to watch.

 

Or better yet, get the cable guy to come and just announce it. "hey, so-and-so, the cable guy's coming this week to set up the tv in your room".

Should I go in there and do it myself or mention having her set it up. I want/need to word it delicately.

]

[surfdiva]

Hey surfdiva, long time no chat!

 

Okay tbh I do think you are being a bit of an a-hole (your word) re your TV. Sorry.

 

Unless there was an understanding or something in the lease stating that she is not entitled to house privileges, imo she has every right to watch your TV.... since it's set up in the living room or common area.

 

But I DO think she is taking advantage and being very inconsiderate!

 

It is certainly NOT how I would behave when rooming with another person, especially if I were moving into their home, using their things.

 

If it were me in this situation, I would talk to her and suggest some sort of compromise wherein she gets to watch tv in living room (for xxx amount of days) and you get to watch for xxx amount of days.

 

On the other days, you each watch tv in your respective bedrooms.

 

Just tell her (nicely and respectfully) that while you enjoy having her as a roommate, you feel like you are losing your privacy.

 

That will get the convo going, and from there if she asks you can explain why and suggest the compromise.

 

Good luck!

 

No, I totally get it and appreciate the honesty. I'm brutally honest myself (as you may well know, LOL!) and I just wasnt sure if I was being a d#ck or not. Hmmm, but it IS my TV and I'm the one that paid a sh#t ton of money for it, the damn remote alone is $100 to replace, LOL!

 

OK, I'll have to think about this one and figure out how not to upset her. Thanks girl!

[surfdiva]

I think the fair thing to do would be to kindly ask her even at the risk of embarrassment rather than her having a roommate who resents her over something she's oblivious about.

 

You're totally right. All weekend, when I'd walk past the living room I felt a twinge of frustration and in my head thinking "get off the couch girl, it's MY turn", LOL! Thank you!

[surfdiva]

Yeah, just say "I've been meaning to set up that tv" then get it done. It's your house and your tv, you set it up with permission to enter her room.

 

Perhaps the weekend binge-watching in the main area will resolve. The only reason she's on your couch is because there's no other tv for her to watch.

 

Or better yet, get the cable guy to come and just announce it. "hey, so-and-so, the cable guy's coming this week to set up the tv in your room".

]

 

Wiseman, I was waiting for one of your awesome GIF's!!! Thank you! OK, I'll nicely talk to her about helping her set up the TV in her bedroom.

[surfdiva]

I went through something similar and the take away was that if I ever rent a room out again, it will literally be `a room'.

 

I rented to a friend who took over my house. After a long day surrounded by staff and a long commute, I just want my down time.

 

She was a little on the needy side anxiously waiting for me to come home, parked on my couch.

I was polite and would say hello and then go straight to my room and close the door.

 

I felt like I was renting a room and was sequestered to it.

Not to mention she wasn't an equal roommate. Meaning had she been she would have been paying half the living expenses for the town house.

 

I paid 4 times what she did and the amount we agreed to would be considered market value for renting a room with her own private bath.

But the tables slowly turned and she had run of the house and I didn't.

 

She got upset when I asked her to monitor her laundry and not fill the washer and dryer on a Saturday morning and then leave for the entire day.

I didn't do it. I was trying to be considerate.

 

The conversation came about when after weeks of this and I got impatient and I carefully hung her wet clothes to use the

washer.

I could get on roll here but I'll stop. . Sheesh! I get riled up again

 

Lesson learned.

If I ever do it again I will be absolutely clear on my expectations.

I lost a friendship over it.

 

I feel for you. I don't know how you redefine it after the fact.

 

Ugh, this sounds awful! Glad you're out of that situation.

 

Once my kid can drive, I'm planning on moving and downsizing to a town home at the beach. Just me, my kid and our dog. Looking forward to that day

[JaggerJim]

Personally, I think you will have to put up with it.

 

When you live with other people, stuff like this happens. I'm sure she would rather sit in the lounge, and not her room all day.

 

If it's not working out, you should probably ask her to leave. It sounds like you'd rather be alone anyways. Makes sense to me.

[j.man]

You're totally right. All weekend, when I'd walk past the living room I felt a twinge of frustration and in my head thinking "get off the couch girl, it's MY turn", LOL! Thank you!

Yup, certainly not good for you and wouldn't be for her if she knew how ya felt.

 

And I do think setting up her TV is a good idea, but I'd tie it in. I think it'd be passive aggressive to suggest it on its own. It might even be worth a straight-forward but chill sit down. Don't be accusatory or anything. Tell her pretty much what you told us. That you've been afraid to ask because you felt it'd be rude, but you really do enjoy some TV time, so in the future you'll be asking for some veg time of your own. Then I'd offer to set up the TV for her if she'd like to have it during those times.

 

I don't know. It's kinda alien to me. I wouldn't have a single problem in the world just asking her if I could watch a show or if she wouldn't mind if I just had a veg-out day on the couch. I'd still give this a shot if I were you. Then maybe setting up her TV will come organically when you're watching something and she wants a TV to watch, too. Yeeeeears back, I had a roommate once who would always be on the couch watching a show. It wasn't so much her hogging it as it was the fact it was vacant and she was banking on me kinda being a just asking to play the PS3 if I wanted to. Initially, I was a little resentful, but then I realized that she really shouldn't have to physically vacate the room for me to try to get some time in.

[RainyCoast]

whenever i had roommates, the equipment in the common areas was either provided by the landlord or everyone chipped in to buy it. some smaller items were brought in by individuals who specified that anyone may use them. otherwise, anything you wanted for yourself- you kept in your room. so she may be taking that as long as it's in the shared areas, it's everyone's.

 

it's a bit tricky, of course you should get to watch your own tv. i don't understand how anyone could hog the remote and couch for an entire weekend. but i agree it be best to just say something and set up her tv too.

[surfdiva]

Thanks everyone. I kinda feel like an idiot being irked at something so trivial. I'm a reeeaaally laid back person and things like this usually don't bug me at all so I'm not sure why I'm annoyed.

 

I guess I've been on my own so long, I could sit, lay, headstand wherever and whenever I wanted to and for a whole weekend not being able to sit on my couch and watch my tv (yes Katrina.....MINE all MINE, LOL!) kinda annoyed me. I just know if the roles were reversed and I was renting in someone's house, I'd be considerate and at least ask them if they wanted couch time.

 

OK, so I'm done being an a@s. Tonight I'll tell her that I'll help her put the TV up (that I gave her, LOL!) in her room and I'll just get the heck over it, it's not the end of the world.

 

Thanks for all the responses and suggestions

[catfeeder]

Should I go in there and do it myself or mention having her set it up. I want/need to word it delicately. I have the kind of personality where I prefer people to say "girl, you're being a jerk, set up the damn tv in your room would ya" but I know not everyone is like that so I need to be considerate

 

Invite her for a dinner date and prep a nice meal or treat her to take-in. Raise that you've been meaning to do this to celebrate her coming, and you'd like to do more of this in the future. This oils the wheels for a better relationship overall, and it will give you a regular platform for discussion of this kind of 'stuff' over time. While you're both in good spirits enjoying the meal, offer to help her set up the new TV and ask her which time is better for her 'tonight or tomorrow morning'.

 

While in her room, review the setup and ensure that she has a comfy chair and footstool where she can relax outside of her bed to enjoy the TV. Also, swap out your big TV in the living room for the smaller one, putting the big one in your room. This can be temporary until roommate is 'trained' in the new habit of watching her TV in her room.

 

If she doesn't get the hint and still hangs in your living room, I'd address this during another meal. Ask her how she'd feel about both of you taking turns for regular 'alone time' in the living room, and ask for her input on a schedule for that.

 

This is a nice problem to have: a roommate who pays her rent and who you otherwise enjoy. It's just a matter of learning how to negotiate, which skips complaining in favor of offering something of value to her in exchange for something important to you. Start with special meals and over time, you can ask her to put some of her wants and needs on the table for discussion, and then you can trade something you'd like from her in exchange for the desires she raises.

 

I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

[surfdiva]

Invite her for a dinner date and prep a nice meal or treat her to take-in. Raise that you've been meaning to do this to celebrate her coming, and you'd like to do more of this in the future. This oils the wheels for a better relationship overall, and it will give you a regular platform for discussion of this kind of 'stuff' over time. While you're both in good spirits enjoying the meal, offer to help her set up the new TV and ask her which time is better for her 'tonight or tomorrow morning'.

 

While in her room, review the setup and ensure that she has a comfy chair and footstool where she can relax outside of her bed to enjoy the TV. Also, swap out your big TV in the living room for the smaller one, putting the big one in your room. This can be temporary until roommate is 'trained' in the new habit of watching her TV in her room.

 

If she doesn't get the hint and still hangs in your living room, I'd address this during another meal. Ask her how she'd feel about both of you taking turns for regular 'alone time' in the living room, and ask for her input on a schedule for that.

 

This is a nice problem to have: a roommate who pays her rent and who you otherwise enjoy. It's just a matter of learning how to negotiate, which skips complaining in favor of offering something of value to her in exchange for something important to you. Start with special meals and over time, you can ask her to put some of her wants and needs on the table for discussion, and then you can trade something you'd like from her in exchange for the desires she raises.

 

I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

 

I think this is a great idea and I've thought about it. It will be pretty big for my bedroom space but I'm OK with that

[surfdiva]

Personally, I think you will have to put up with it.

 

When you live with other people, stuff like this happens. I'm sure she would rather sit in the lounge, and not her room all day.

 

If it's not working out, you should probably ask her to leave. It sounds like you'd rather be alone anyways. Makes sense to me.

 

I'd prefer not to be in my room all day either but that's what it turned out to be all weekend.

 

And I agree, I do prefer to be on my own...I haven't had to have a roommate for a looong time. This was really because I live in a much larger space than I need. So I'll re-evaluate it when her lease is up. Thank you

[surfdiva]

MODS - Is there a way to delete or edit this post. I received some great advice and I'd like my original post deleted please. I'd really hate if my roommate saw this.

 

Thank you