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How to handle break up? I want her back


Newt0this1987

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can i give you the cause? it's not nice and it probably won't satisfy you, but it's textbook.

 

you were a rebound and she still thinks of her ex, he probably sent her a "heyyy 'sup" and it derailed her, the only reason she is confused is because she is certain you are into her, and isn't certain getting back together with him would be better this time. so while she'd love to settle for a safer option, she is drawn to get from him what she isn't over not having gotten from him.

 

therein is the trick. if you are available for the safe and certain admiration and affection that you have for her despite her having dumped you, she gets to have both. you will admire her and want her and it'll stroke her ego, while she gives the jerk another try. best of both worlds.

 

every rebound ever.

 

it cycles too. when it goes bad with him again she'll cry on your shoulder, then you'll want back together, she'll be "confused" again. sigh. confused people should be given a 2 year vacation in Bali all costs covered, just to keep them from effing up everyone else.

 

and of course she won't "just say it" that she doesn't want to be with you. that would make you go away and cut ties. but she needs you as an emotional blanket so why not sc*** with you with her confusion.

 

you know what the reason for break ups is? they don't want to be with you. perfectly legit valid reason. whatever the effed up drama behind it.

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It sounds like she's not as ready for a relationship as you are and you were moving too fast after only 4 mos of dating.

 

Agree it sounds like she's not over her ex. They may be on/off and still contacting each other. Often that's what "confused" means.

 

Staying in contact, hanging out and being a shoulder to cry on won't get her back, it will only position you in the friendzone. You need to go no contact and tell her "when you're ready to date/have a relationship, call me".

Is it possible that she hasnt healed from her last relationship? She wants to meet up again tomorrow, what is the best way to handle this?
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can i give you the cause? it's not nice and it probably won't satisfy you, but it's textbook.

 

you were a rebound and she still thinks of her ex, he probably sent her a "heyyy 'sup" and it derailed her, the only reason she is confused is because she is certain you are into her, and isn't certain getting back together with him would be better this time. so while she'd love to settle for a safer option, she is drawn to get from him what she isn't over not having gotten from him.

 

therein is the trick. if you are available for the safe and certain admiration and affection that you have for her despite her having dumped you, she gets to have both. you will admire her and want her and it'll stroke her ego, while she gives the jerk another try. best of both worlds.

 

every rebound ever.

 

it cycles too. when it goes bad with him again she'll cry on your shoulder, then you'll want back together, she'll be "confused" again. sigh. confused people should be given a 2 year vacation in Bali all costs covered, just to keep them from effing up everyone else.

 

and of course she won't "just say it" that she doesn't want to be with you. that would make you go away and cut ties. but she needs you as an emotional blanket so why not sc*** with you with her confusion.

 

you know what the reason for break ups is? they don't want to be with you. perfectly legit valid reason. whatever the effed up drama behind it.

 

I can totally see where you're coming from here Rain. I dont think she could ever get back with him again she has spoken strongly about how much she hates him etc. I do agree though she hasnt fully healed from the betrayal.

 

Sucks to be the rebound totally.

 

If she cant get past it though I am gone tomorrow and not going to hang around

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It sounds like she's not as ready for a relationship as you are and you were moving too fast after only 4 mos of dating.

 

Agree it sounds like she's not over her ex. They may be on/off and still contacting each other. Often that's what "confused" means.

 

Staying in contact, hanging out and being a shoulder to cry on won't get her back, it will only position you in the friendzone. You need to go no contact and tell her "when you're ready to date/have a relationship, call me".

 

Yeah I think we just got caught up in the whirlwind of a new relationship and when it started getting serious she got cold feet.

 

I doubt she even still speaks to him, but suppose you never know. I know how much she hates him though.

 

Thats exactly what im going to say to her tomorrow, I need to look after myself too. Dont want to prolong this feeling

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Yes I will be, on one hand ive accepted the fact but on the other I feel there is unfinished business as the cause still hasnt been identified.

 

Yes ive already told her last week I wouldnt be able to have her in my life just as friends for now. I said if you dont want to be in a relationship just say 100% you don't and il walk the other way now, but she just cried and said she cant decide I will do it if I need to

"I can't decide" is code for "No, I don't want to be with you. I'm just skirting the issue." And the reason really has been sorted out; she's just not feeling it. I know, I know, "But she said this and she said that." None of that matters. Sometimes people say things they don't really mean in the moment. Sometimes they think they mean them but they don't.

 

I was almost exactly where you are last summer. I mean, there are some eerie similarities in our stories. And I know how confused you are and how bad you're hurting. You think you need that "one last meeting." You want to at least try to understand it and get some answers. But there's really probably nothing she can say that will help. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, but you need to wrap your head around this and accept it...SHE'S JUST NOT FEELING IT. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but that's just how it is. Does it matter why?

 

You'll have your meeting. Make it clear that you are only interested in resuming a relationship with her and that you aren't interested in any contact otherwise. Then walk away, HEAD HELD HIGH and don't contact her again. You need to startmoving on and won't be able to do that as long as you are in contact with her.

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"I can't decide" is code for "No, I don't want to be with you. I'm just skirting the issue." And the reason really has been sorted out; she's just not feeling it. I know, I know, "But she said this and she said that." None of that matters. Sometimes people say things they don't really mean in the moment. Sometimes they think they mean them but they don't.

 

I was almost exactly where you are last summer. I mean, there are some eerie similarities in our stories. And I know how confused you are and how bad you're hurting. You think you need that "one last meeting." You want to at least try to understand it and get some answers. But there's really probably nothing she can say that will help. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, but you need to wrap your head around this and accept it...SHE'S JUST NOT FEELING IT. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but that's just how it is. Does it matter why?

 

You'll have your meeting. Make it clear that you are only interested in resuming a relationship with her and that you aren't interested in any contact otherwise. Then walk away, HEAD HELD HIGH and don't contact her again. You need to startmoving on and won't be able to do that as long as you are in contact with her.

 

All I think is if she isnt feeling as she says, and she doesnt know why that is it, it could be worth exploring as its something that could be fixed maybe?

 

Hopefully shes had a good think this week while we havent been talking. But yes I agree I need to walk away if she isnt interested in a relationship. No contact is the only way il get over this I think if I need to

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All I think is if she isnt feeling as she says, and she doesnt know why that is it, it could be worth exploring as its something that could be fixed maybe?

 

I think you're grasping at straws. She's not over her past relationship. (whether she's not over the ex, not over what "was", or still trying to put herself together after deceit that drug on doesn't matter) She's not ready for a relationship. She might very well be confused. She's probably feeling a lot of emotions, which is completely normal after the end of a serious relationship. These emotions don't disappear in a few months, especially given that the breakup sounds like it drug on. You were a distraction for her. You helped her forget about being sad for a while. When things were starting to get serious between you two, she realized she's not ready.

 

Think of how you feel right now, in this situation. You're having a hard time letting go and it wasn't a serious relationship. She went through this out of a serious relationship just months before you. I know it hurts, I know it isn't what you want and you might be a "perfect boyfriend" but timing is important. The timing between the two of you is not right.

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I think you're grasping at straws. She's not over her past relationship. (whether she's not over the ex, not over what "was", or still trying to put herself together after deceit that drug on doesn't matter) She's not ready for a relationship. She might very well be confused. She's probably feeling a lot of emotions, which is completely normal after the end of a serious relationship. These emotions don't disappear in a few months, especially given that the breakup sounds like it drug on. You were a distraction for her. You helped her forget about being sad for a while. When things were starting to get serious between you two, she realized she's not ready.

 

Think of how you feel right now, in this situation. You're having a hard time letting go and it wasn't a serious relationship. She went through this out of a serious relationship just months before you. I know it hurts, I know it isn't what you want and you might be a "perfect boyfriend" but timing is important. The timing between the two of you is not right.

 

Honestly deep down I know you are right and this post has made the most sense to me, was even telling myself earlier, 'right person wrong timing'.

 

I just wish she would say she isnt ready or admit that its bad timing, would have been much easier to take than 'somethings missing' that sentence makes the mind wander.

 

Will see what happens tomorrow but im prepared to walk away and do some healing myself if needs be and id be lying if I said I wasnt excited to see what dating holds for me next.

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Newtothis1987, Just read your original post and got up to speed on your story - If you really like her (or love her) then tell her how you feel. Not in a sappy, puppy dog, fall at her feet kind of way, but just compliment her, share your feelings, make it clear you with to resume seeing her..."empty the tank" of your feelings if she means that much to you. Do it in a positive way. Just lay your feelings out, all of them,..that way you will have no regrets about holding any feelings back. That leaves everything on her and she can digest that and hopefully make a decision to return. And don't be afraid to make it clear to her that you aren't going to wait around for her either. You "empty the tank" of your feelings to her, then you cheerfully walk away. She'll either move back towards you, or she won't. The important thing to remember is that you have no control over her decisions. That's why you tell her how you feel so you have no regrets, then walk away and leave everything in her court to figure out. Meanwhile, you go on with your life, meet and date others, while keeping contact with her to a minimum.

Don't go the highly over-rated "NO CONTACT" ...don't reach out to her, text, call...etc... But just respond pleasantly when she contacts you...and not right away either.

I'm amazed at the negativity I see on this site - seems like many people on here just scream "NO CONTACT!" under most any circumstances that are presented here. Everyone's stories and experiecnes are different. It might be that she is confused and hasn't written you off. It might be that she just needs some time to sort things out in her own mind. That's why you let her do that, without putting any pressure on her to do so.

Tell her how you feel, "empty the tank", and walk away cheerfully. She'll either be back around or she won't.

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Newtothis1987, Just read your original post and got up to speed on your story - If you really like her (or love her) then tell her how you feel. Not in a sappy, puppy dog, fall at her feet kind of way, but just compliment her, share your feelings, make it clear you with to resume seeing her..."empty the tank" of your feelings if she means that much to you. Do it in a positive way. Just lay your feelings out, all of them,..that way you will have no regrets about holding any feelings back. That leaves everything on her and she can digest that and hopefully make a decision to return. And don't be afraid to make it clear to her that you aren't going to wait around for her either. You "empty the tank" of your feelings to her, then you cheerfully walk away. She'll either move back towards you, or she won't. The important thing to remember is that you have no control over her decisions. That's why you tell her how you feel so you have no regrets, then walk away and leave everything in her court to figure out. Meanwhile, you go on with your life, meet and date others, while keeping contact with her to a minimum.

Don't go the highly over-rated "NO CONTACT" ...don't reach out to her, text, call...etc... But just respond pleasantly when she contacts you...and not right away either.

I'm amazed at the negativity I see on this site - seems like many people on here just scream "NO CONTACT!" under most any circumstances that are presented here. Everyone's stories and experiecnes are different. It might be that she is confused and hasn't written you off. It might be that she just needs some time to sort things out in her own mind. That's why you let her do that, without putting any pressure on her to do so.

Tell her how you feel, "empty the tank", and walk away cheerfully. She'll either be back around or she won't.

 

Yeah man thanks for the advice, I did do this last week when we met I laid all my feelings out and told her I wish to resume seeing her romantically and then I said that is your choice but if you dont want to be involved with me that way then I will have to cut ties for a bit but as said earlier she couldnt decide.

 

Ive not spoken to her for pretty much a week now no texts, calls nothing so hopefully she has had time to think, I am quite prepared to walk away after tomorrow though. I told her ive got too much to give and I cant put myself through more hurt. I said I dont want her feeling pressured or overwhelmed with it all so if she takes some time out for herself it may help and she doesnt have to talk about it all the time. Think I was starting to fall for her hard and then it all came crashing down unexpectedly, Ive not handled this very well in myself at all.

 

Im just glad I havent text her all the things ive wanted to and ive had some self control

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Sounds like you are on the right track and have handled things well. It doesn't matter how you have "not handled this very well in myself" at all. What matters is how you handled it WITH HER. If you have not shown her weakness, grovelling, whining, clinginess, begging...etc..etc... you know, all the dumb things guy do when they get dumped or pushed away, then this may work out yet. But it will have to be on her schedule. By putting out a strong, cheerful, positive, and upbeat vibe towards her, that is what she needs to see, and you are showing her that you aren't a little sniveling wuss boy. Good for you on excercising self control! I think you said what you needed to say to her last week. In tomorrow's meeting, just be strong and reinforce what you have already said - cheerfully and positively! No grovelling, begging, or weakness. Leave things in her court and let her decide what her next move is. There is nothing more that you can do at this point but to say your peice and be prepared to walk away.

I know you are asking yourself the big question - "Will she back???" Well, she might, and she might not. Only time will tell.

As long as there have been no relationship "dealbreakers" - (infidelity, lies, abuse...etc..) then there is no reason that a reconnection cannot take place. However, you can't force it.

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Sounds like you are on the right track and have handled things well. It doesn't matter how you have "not handled this very well in myself" at all. What matters is how you handled it WITH HER. If you have not shown her weakness, grovelling, whining, clinginess, begging...etc..etc... you know, all the dumb things guy do when they get dumped or pushed away, then this may work out yet. But it will have to be on her schedule. By putting out a strong, cheerful, positive, and upbeat vibe towards her, that is what she needs to see, and you are showing her that you aren't a little sniveling wuss boy. Good for you on excercising self control! I think you said what you needed to say to her last week. In tomorrow's meeting, just be strong and reinforce what you have already said - cheerfully and positively! No grovelling, begging, or weakness. Leave things in her court and let her decide what her next move is. There is nothing more that you can do at this point but to say your peice and be prepared to walk away.

I know you are asking yourself the big question - "Will she back???" Well, she might, and she might not. Only time will tell.

As long as there have been no relationship "dealbreakers" - (infidelity, lies, abuse...etc..) then there is no reason that a reconnection cannot take place. However, you can't force it.

 

Yes I have not begged or pleaded with her to take me back, ive given her space all week and not contacted her so hopefully she knows a bit more within herself what has caused this and if there is any way back. Il just say to her "Id love for us to carry this on and id be there every step of the way with you, but if you cannot get past whatever it is and I cant help then we will need to part ways for a while' something along those lines.

 

After that if that happens im not gonna hold out the hope that she will be back in touch, il just move on and start enjoying life again

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Newtothis1987, Just read your original post and got up to speed on your story - If you really like her (or love her) then tell her how you feel. Not in a sappy, puppy dog, fall at her feet kind of way, but just compliment her, share your feelings, make it clear you with to resume seeing her..."empty the tank" of your feelings if she means that much to you. Do it in a positive way. Just lay your feelings out, all of them,..that way you will have no regrets about holding any feelings back. That leaves everything on her and she can digest that and hopefully make a decision to return. And don't be afraid to make it clear to her that you aren't going to wait around for her either. You "empty the tank" of your feelings to her, then you cheerfully walk away. She'll either move back towards you, or she won't. The important thing to remember is that you have no control over her decisions. That's why you tell her how you feel so you have no regrets, then walk away and leave everything in her court to figure out. Meanwhile, you go on with your life, meet and date others, while keeping contact with her to a minimum.

Don't go the highly over-rated "NO CONTACT" ...don't reach out to her, text, call...etc... But just respond pleasantly when she contacts you...and not right away either.

I'm amazed at the negativity I see on this site - seems like many people on here just scream "NO CONTACT!" under most any circumstances that are presented here. Everyone's stories and experiecnes are different. It might be that she is confused and hasn't written you off. It might be that she just needs some time to sort things out in her own mind. That's why you let her do that, without putting any pressure on her to do so.

Tell her how you feel, "empty the tank", and walk away cheerfully. She'll either be back around or she won't.

Agree with everything here except for the "no contact" part. Yes, people here can be a little black and white and dogmatic and "one size fits all" with their advice, and there may be circumstances in which strict no contact isn't the best course of action. But I would say in most cases it is. And here's why in this case:

 

1. She's probably not coming back. She may, but probably not. So he needs to start to get over her and communicating with her is going to make that MUCH harder.

 

2. She needs to see that he is willing to move on. If he's always at her beck and call, ready to answer any communication, even if he takes his time about responding, then she knows she has him in her back pocket and to use as an emotional tampon. Scarcity creates value

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Agree with everything here except for the "no contact" part. Yes, people here can be a little black and white and dogmatic and "one size fits all" with their advice, and there may be circumstances in which strict no contact isn't the best course of action. But I would say in most cases it is. And here's why in this case:

 

1. She's probably not coming back. She may, but probably not. So he needs to start to get over her and communicating with her is going to make that MUCH harder.

 

2. She needs to see that he is willing to move on. If he's always at her beck and call, ready to answer any communication, even if he takes his time about responding, then she knows she has him in her back pocket and to use as an emotional tampon. Scarcity creates value

 

"Scarcity creates value". I like that alot!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yeah I went and met her and it turns out she's not over a previous relationship where the guy repeatedly cheated on her and she's admitted she gets anxiety quite a lot and she feels she can't carry it on with me as she needs to focus on getting her head straight with it all.

 

She has started therapy and we are keeping in touch texting a bit and we are planning on meeting up in a week or so for a catch up.

 

I don't think all hope is lost but I yeah she said she can't be anything more than friends at the moment and she can't expect me to hang on forever for her either. Hopefully the therapy will help her and the anxiety/getting over mistrust etc. I still obviously care about her a lot but I think I am prolonging the pain a bit by keeping in touch with her but for some reason I just can't let go as I believe there is still something there, but as I say the other half is just telling me to let go and not even bother meeting up with her again

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I suspect as long as you hang around you will have false hope. But at least you have some clarity. Good luck.

 

Quite possibly but also just don't know how she did such a quick 180 with it all, the week before we were discussing holidays and we did have a weekend away already planned which we had to cancel, it's like she just totally switched off. That's what gets me

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If you understand anything about human behavior, rebounding has a lot to do with transferring intense feelings from one person to another. In other words, the intensity she felt with you may have been more about her ex than you specifically. The sudden drop of interest in you is more about the "truth" that YOU are not her ex setting in and making her sad.

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If you understand anything about human behavior, rebounding has a lot to do with transferring intense feelings from one person to another. In other words, the intensity she felt with you may have been more about her ex than you specifically. The sudden drop of interest in you is more about the "truth" that YOU are not her ex setting in and making her sad.

 

Yeah but she hates her ex's guts after what he did to her, she doesn't harbour any feelings for him anymore just she said that she's not over what he did. Sucks really as to me it's still all really confusing even though she's tried to be as honest as possible

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Quite possibly but also just don't know how she did such a quick 180 with it all, the week before we were discussing holidays and we did have a weekend away already planned which we had to cancel, it's like she just totally switched off. That's what gets me

 

 

Your situation sounds so much like mine. He was freshly separated from his wife, who cheated. I remember asking him the very first time we talked "are you sure you are ready"? We took it slow, I let him set the pace of the relationship.

 

We were doing great, had been involved for 5 months, celebrated New Year's Eve together, discussed a B&B weekend. And then he blindsided me with a break up the weekend after New Year's.

 

We tried a break the first few weeks, but we met for dinner, and again, he did a complete 180 during dinner.

 

They just are not ready. Maybe your ex will be later on, but even then, will it be you she seeks out? Being the rebound SUCKS. But I think if there's no chance of going back to the ex (in cheating cases like these), eventually they may still reach out when they feel ready.

 

Like others have pointed out, if you keep yourself available to her, she'll use you. That's what my ex was doing. As long as he knew I was still hurt, and waiting for him, and telling him I loved him and wanted to get back together, he felt comfortable reaching out and then pushing me away. I had to be firm and stand up for myself and walk away from him after he said something hurtful to push me away. He was NOT expecting me to do that.

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Your situation sounds so much like mine. He was freshly separated from his wife, who cheated. I remember asking him the very first time we talked "are you sure you are ready"? We took it slow, I let him set the pace of the relationship.

 

We were doing great, had been involved for 5 months, celebrated New Year's Eve together, discussed a B&B weekend. And then he blindsided me with a break up the weekend after New Year's.

 

We tried a break the first few weeks, but we met for dinner, and again, he did a complete 180 during dinner.

 

They just are not ready. Maybe your ex will be later on, but even then, will it be you she seeks out? Being the rebound SUCKS. But I think if there's no chance of going back to the ex (in cheating cases like these), eventually they may still reach out when they feel ready.

 

Like others have pointed out, if you keep yourself available to her, she'll use you. That's what my ex was doing. As long as he knew I was still hurt, and waiting for him, and telling him I loved him and wanted to get back together, he felt comfortable reaching out and then pushing me away. I had to be firm and stand up for myself and walk away from him after he said something hurtful to push me away. He was NOT expecting me to do that.

 

Thank you for your advice, yes it's a weird situation I've never been in before. Feels so hard for me to just walk away, I know she wouldn't be the type of person to use me and I know she still cares about me as she has said, but its just not going to happen for now is it really. Need to let go for now at least I think and if I meet someone along the way then so be it

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Thank you for your advice, yes it's a weird situation I've never been in before. Feels so hard for me to just walk away, I know she wouldn't be the type of person to use me and I know she still cares about me as she has said, but its just not going to happen for now is it really. Need to let go for now at least I think and if I meet someone along the way then so be it

 

The using isn't always intentional or done out of spite. As someone pointed out, its textbook rebound behavior.

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