never had a relationship, not sure what to do

[boredintp]

I've been texting a girl i met 6 years ago that I've only had sex with once. Does that mean I'm in a relationship? She's married though...

[mustlovedogs]

Ok now, you have to be playing us

[boredintp]

Why do you say that? I don't feel like texting is much of a relationship.

[boredintp]

I know these questions sound dumb, but I appreciate the advice.

[Capricorn3]

I've been texting a girl i met 6 years ago that I've only had sex with once. Does that mean I'm in a relationship? She's married though...

 

Dude, seriously? Don't insult our intelligence if you are really looking for advice.

[boredintp]

I'm not trying to insult your intelligence. Have you considered that maybe you have a fixed idea of what a "relationship" even is and that you're using that narrow idea to say that I dont have one. We've texted for a long time, talk about everyday things, share thoughts or jokes etc. Why isn't that considered a relationship? It's platonic.

[Wiseman2]

You could try something like Craig's list casual encounters or other places where you just have sex without dating.

Especially since dating is such a hassle and fraught with so many annoying concerns. Who has the time, money and energy to continuously repeat the same charade especially if sex is postponed for much later?

[Jibralta]

Why don't you want to be alone?

[Capricorn3]

I've been texting a girl i met 6 years ago Does that mean I'm in a relationship? She's married though...

Clearly NO. You are NOT in a relationship. However, SHE IS in a relationship. She's married.

[Wordsleftatsea]

You're overthinking it I think. You do sound kind of cynical and negative. Not trying to insult you, that attitude will just hurt your odds of having a relationship.

 

You always pay on the first couple of dates. And you just need to make jokes, have fun and keep it light. Talk about things you are passionate about and convey a positive outlook on life.

 

If you do this for long enough she will want a relationship with you. You never actually have to ask her to go steady. She will bring it up and hint that she wants it.

 

Don't have sex with a girl until she is jumping on you. Idk I actually feel kind of bad. You seem really depressed. You should work on your happiness and a relationship will happen.

[boredintp]

It's boring. Ive always been alone.

[Jibralta]

It's boring. Ive always been alone.

 

Is a relationship the only solution to your boredom? It seems like you're taking the long way around to solve a simple problem.

[boredintp]

Well, I'm not simply bored, but I want to be loved, liked or have some ongoing female attention. I'm not sure why women are open to having sex with me but nothing more. I feel pretty alienated. It's a draining experience knowing nobody gives a damn about you. And as I get older it only gets more difficult to seek out a relationship with new people I date when they learn that I've never had one. It puts a lot of pressure on them knowing they're the first and they can only wonder, as I do, why I've never been in one.

[Wiseman2]

They don't need to know this. TMI.

It puts a lot of pressure on them knowing they're the first and they can only wonder, as I do, why I've never been in one.

[Jibralta]

Well, I'm not simply bored, but I want to be loved, liked or have some ongoing female attention. I'm not sure why women are open to having sex with me but nothing more. I feel pretty alienated. It's a draining experience knowing nobody gives a damn about you. And as I get older it only gets more difficult to seek out a relationship with new people I date when they learn that I've never had one. It puts a lot of pressure on them knowing they're the first and they can only wonder, as I do, why I've never been in one.

 

Well, you've listed three distinctly different things here:

 

To be loved

To be liked

To have ongoing female attention

 

You have the second one already, to some degree. These would be the women that go out with you a couple of times, maybe have sex with you. I'm sure they like you. But nothing more.

 

Ongoing female attention is something that you could pay for. You could go to a nudie bar, or (gasp) hire a prostitute.

 

But love is intimate. It's work. And it involves risk and vulnerability. If the idea of six dates exhausts you, if you need an agreement before you take more of a risk than that, then maybe it's not love that you really want.

[mustlovedogs]

This goes back to what I've already said: wait to have sex. Your approach is wrong. If you keep doing the same thing, why would you expect different results?

[IAmFCA]

Something worth having is worth working for.

 

If you want to find a long term relationship, you are going to have to think about women in a different way, similar to as potential best friends with whom you would also like an intimate relationship. A long term relationship requires kindness, respect, and reliable behavior. Meaning -- you need to feel these things for yourself and for her.

 

(I am assuming a hetero context. Forgive me if this is incorrect.)

 

Kindness is a habit. Reliable behavior is a habit. Respect requires time.

 

Think about how to invest in someone else so that you can get to know them over time, and they you. Are you someone with whom you would want to be in a relationship? Would you date yourself? If not, first work on being someone who has the qualities you seek in someone else.

 

If you are willing to do that, then you will find your way to relationship.

[H8Reality217]

ya, thats the injustice of life that something like this happens to men more than women, almost all people in the world who surpass their mid-20's or reach their 30's without ever having had a relationship before, it's pretty much only guys, men.