would this be considered cheating?

[limichelle]

Omg Naomi! I thought I was the only one who searched for Wiseman2s nudes??!!

 

In all seriousness Op I feel for you, I don't think you should bring up the reddit because those are his private thoughts. He isn't cheating on you emotionally. I think sadly he more like emotionally checked out and is afraid to leave. I think you should bring up the relationship. You guys don't sound compatible anymore. Six years is a long time but you don't deserve to be his "what if?"

 

Lisa

[notalady]

Not saying this is scientific or the truth, but below is an article on why men marry some women and not others. It's largely to do with where they are in life, whether they've been around the block and had enough of the single scene, whether they are the marrying kind, etc. I think it has some good points to make (though may not be universally true) and I think it applies to settling down with one person in general, not necessarily only to do with marriage.

 

 

 

This is also why so many people observe that a guy might break up with someone when the relationship is perfectly fine, and marry the next serious girlfriend, aside from the fact that he might not have been that into the ex in the first place, a lot of them is because they've seen what's out there and realise that they can't really do better, there is no such thing as "greener grass" for them, so they are happy and content with settling down with who/what they have. That feeling of contentment ensures stability of the marriage / relationship. If one person often feel discontent or restless, it's bound to end at some point.

[poppins90]

I think there's nothing really wrong with the relationship other than the fact that he's young and inexperienced (and dare I say immature), therefore he's wondering about what's out there, wondering if there's someone out there he'd be 100% sure about. And unfortunately, I think that's why a lot of relationships developed in late teens, early twenties rarely work out, because you don't have a reference point or comparison, you don't know if what you have is the best you'll ever get or you could find someone more compatible. And once that thought gets in your head, it's very hard to extinguish. I don't think it will just go away unfortunately. Curiosity kills the cat afterall.

 

 

we did break up for a short while and of which, he made the decision to reconcile with me after a month. so i am confused by his actions tbh. yes, it saddens me a lot that he is constantly second guessing the r/s. i have been going back and forth too, about whether it would just be best if i ended it, for us, if he couldnt do it himself. then again, would this be fair to him?

 

Last thing you want is sticking it out, get married, have children, and one day find out that he still thinks about "what could've been". You'll have much much more to lose then than now.

 

this really hits me hard. you are right. i shouldnt be feeling like im the one that he is settling for. it really isnt a great feeling and i should deserve better.

[notalady]

we did break up for a short while and of which, he made the decision to reconcile with me after a month. so i am confused by his actions tbh. yes, it saddens me a lot that he is constantly second guessing the r/s. i have been going back and forth too, about whether it would just be best if i ended it, for us, if he couldnt do it himself. then again, would this be fair to him?

 

 

 

this really hits me hard. you are right. i shouldnt be feeling like im the one that he is settling for. it really isnt a great feeling and i should deserve better.

 

It's hard to break up from a long term relationship, especially if one thinks there's nothing wrong with it. He might have missed what you had after you broke up for a short while, he might be just used to the comfort of being in a relationship, he might feel like he's invested so much time in this relationship and now throwing it away for no reason. But he clearly also can't stop thinking about "greener grass".

 

A short while is certainly not enough to get rid of that feeling.

 

And yes you do deserve better.

[MissCanuck]

I don't consider his searching another girl's profile cheating. Hurtful, sure. But not infidelity.

 

However, I also think your relationship is coming to its natural end. He isn't ready to commit to a lifetime with you. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you personally, but he's outgrown your relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

I do with exes each day - force of habit. And I have zero interest in ever reaching out to them. Although I would never tell my husband that I found another man attractive, even if he is Channing Tatum!

[evad1]

I think you should be open with him. I always encourage honesty in my relationship and he's spoken of the same thing your boyfriend has. I don't know if it's normal but I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years and I wonder sometimes if maybe there's someone else out there for me also. I even started talking to this one guy. We're still pretty young (both 24) so I could see why that be normal there are so many people out you could be compatible with and it's really easy to get bored with the same person. I agree with notalady you should let things take their natural course. Even couples who have been married for decades end up getting divorced. You should encourage him to be open about what going on in his head. I like to think even if my boyfriend did decide to move on we could still be friends because I've worked on building that type of foundation in our relationship. I'd rather see him happy then continue with our relationship if he was miserable. He would want the same for me also. Even though he acts like a complete b$;tch sometimes we at least have this understanding.

[evad1]

I know guys don't like to open up sometimes but we smoke one and I can get him to talk about his views on anything as long as I'm not nit picking about our relationship. XD

[evad1]

Long term relationship are kind of like settling lol you're giving up on the me factor (sure there's plenty of tail he could be chasing and you could be getting more attention from a new guy) but by staying together you're agreeing to work on being happy with someone else. It's not just about you anymore. You'll have to compromise and deal with their annoying habits but you stay because there is something fulfilling about a long term relationship it's like a piece of artwork. Something to admire and something you've put a lot of work into together and as long as you're both happy with the overall picture you get to look forward to creating things together for life. Maybe that's why they're so hard we're hardwired to think about the me factor? At least in some relationships. A second thought I had.

[poppins90]

Hey there,

 

So at first, I thought it was pretty disrespectful for him to be searching for this girl and call her hot in front of you, but then I read all of your posts so know it makes much more sense!

 

After understanding that, I honestly don't consider it cheating. He's seen someone he found attractive and wants to see pictures of her again, basically. It's not uncommon for men, especially the young and immature to want to experience more than one woman. However, it's down to him if he actually wants to proceed with this.

 

Since your relationship is strained, if he's constantly making you feel like he's looking for someone better and that you aren't good enough it might be best just to end it.

 

Anyway, best of luck!

 

Jake Collins.

 

thank you Jake.

 

yes, i understand that it isnt cheating. he hasnt done anything to act on this attraction. it is very disheartening for me though that he would rather look at pictures of her than focusing on making the r/s better with me. it is a constant battle for me too - if i should move on or try to work on the rs. however, when we are together, we are happy. just that when these thoughts come to mind, it makes me want to distant myself from him. that's why it isnt an easy decision for me to make.

[poppins90]

I think you should be open with him. I always encourage honesty in my relationship and he's spoken of the same thing your boyfriend has. I don't know if it's normal but I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years and I wonder sometimes if maybe there's someone else out there for me also. I even started talking to this one guy. We're still pretty young (both 24) so I could see why that be normal there are so many people out you could be compatible with and it's really easy to get bored with the same person. I agree with notalady you should let things take their natural course. Even couples who have been married for decades end up getting divorced. You should encourage him to be open about what going on in his head. I like to think even if my boyfriend did decide to move on we could still be friends because I've worked on building that type of foundation in our relationship. I'd rather see him happy then continue with our relationship if he was miserable. He would want the same for me also. Even though he acts like a complete b$;tch sometimes we at least have this understanding.

 

you give great advice evad.

 

we find it hard to talk to each other sometimes as i am quite the sensitive person while he is the opposite. So i tend to cry really easily. He hates it when i cry. but the rs means so much to me that each time i talk about it, it saddens me quite a bit. probably bcos deep down, i know that we both have our doubts about it. I want to be honest with him about how i feel but he doesn't like to talk about such 'heavy stuff'. He thinks that I am trying to pick a fight with him. This makes it hard for me to approach him.

 

misscanuck may be right - that he has just outgrown the rs. he still tells me he loves me every night. i cannot find it in me to just tell him that he should move on. we are happy when we are around each other.

[evad1]

you give great advice evad.

 

we find it hard to talk to each other sometimes as i am quite the sensitive person while he is the opposite. So i tend to cry really easily. He hates it when i cry. but the rs means so much to me that each time i talk about it, it saddens me quite a bit. probably bcos deep down, i know that we both have our doubts about it. I want to be honest with him about how i feel but he doesn't like to talk about such 'heavy stuff'. He thinks that I am trying to pick a fight with him. This makes it hard for me to approach him.

 

misscanuck may be right - that he has just outgrown the rs. he still tells me he loves me every night. i cannot find it in me to just tell him that he should move on. we are happy when we are around each other.

Yes exactly the relationship isn't always able to be saved. I would never suggest staying if you're not happy. I never directly ask my boyfriend about the relationship. When I do I don't get a response. At the most I may ask him if he enjoys my company as much as I enjoys his. We spend most of our time bonding instead. When I start over thinking it never does any good. So I don't overthink. I stay because I'm happy. Just like I stated in my post lol. I don't know if it'll ever happen but we always make jokes about growing old together so I take that as confirmation that he expects us to make it. It's so easy to question whether he really loves me or why he doesn't certain things that's how ended up on this forum. I enjoy our conversations,I like the person I'm becoming with him. I think I've given up on overthinking and whatever happens happens I'm happy.

[evad1]

I'm starting to over think now lol. XD we've been together since we were like 15 do I really expect this to last. At times like this I just start researching new things. Sports, cars whatever anything but thinking about our relationship lol.

[poppins90]

I'm starting to over think now lol. XD we've been together since we were like 15 do I really expect this to last. At times like this I just start researching new things. Sports, cars whatever anything but thinking about our relationship lol.

 

both of you have come a really long way! i wish the best for both of you!

 

yes, this overthinking - they come in waves. i tell myself to take a step back and a breather before i do anything rash. i get passive aggressive towards him when i am insecure of the rs. overall, i do enjoy his company, and i know he does mine too.

 

i get insecure when i think of how age is catching up w me (both of us are 27) and how i would want to settle down by XX age. my bf is on a lookout for a job currently so he is in a different phase of life now. he has told me that he wants to focus on his career first and i want to be supporting him through this but how long do i wait? this is the qn that i keep asking myself. i wouldnt mind waiting if i knew that he would finally want to settle down w me. however, this is a tough question for him to answer for me. even i cant answer it myself.

[evad1]

Sorry for taking over thread there for a second. Haha exactly we've come a VERY long way. Yea I don't really worry about settling down but my situation is different I already have a kid lol. All I can do is take it one day at a time and this is where the road has lead me. We're both working on ourselves. I personally would have preferred to have a kid at 30 instead of 20. I swear your story is so similar to mine lol. My boyfriend toyed with my feeling for the longest but I won him over with my charm and Witt lol jk. I wish I could be of more assistance. I'm going to say we're a little less mature then you guys. He's working to become a pilot and I'm doing IT stuff. lol we rarely talk about the future outside of few jokes here and there. We're just winging it. lol that's why reading your thread had me thinking for a second there. I know he wants one more kid like I do and that's as far as the future planning has made it. Yes you'll never be happy if you guys can't reach a agreement on that. I know it's awful being In that limbo. This may be really awful advise but maybe you should just give it a few months where you leaving the settling down question alone and you work on bonding. Just talking about all the things you have in common, staying interested in each other days, and just working on yourselves. see how you guys feel about your relationship after this. Don't pressure him about settling down you've already spent 6 years what is a month or two? I'm still kind of young but I think my relationship has made it so far because I've been dating my best friend. He gave me one of his favorite Hot wheels if that's not love I don't know what is lol ❤️. AND He put all of our hotwheels together and called it our collection just recently. I'm not worried about him going anywhere even though we don't talk about the future lol. If you guys have that it'll work its self out...at least I like to think so. I also always hear monogamy is dead though.

[poppins90]

Sorry for taking over thread there for a second. Haha exactly we've come a VERY long way. Yea I don't really worry about settling down but my situation is different I already have a kid lol. All I can do is take it one day at a time and this is where the road has lead me. We're both working on ourselves. I personally would have preferred to have a kid at 30 instead of 20. I swear your story is so similar to mine lol. My boyfriend toyed with my feeling for the longest but I won him over with my charm and Witt lol jk. I wish I could be of more assistance. I'm going to say we're a little less mature then you guys. He's working to become a pilot and I'm doing IT stuff. lol we rarely talk about the future outside of few jokes here and there. We're just winging it. lol that's why reading your thread had me thinking for a second there. I know he wants one more kid like I do and that's as far as the future planning has made it. Yes you'll never be happy if you guys can't reach a agreement on that. I know it's awful being In that limbo. This may be really awful advise but maybe you should just give it a few months where you leaving the settling down question alone and you work on bonding. Just talking about all the things you have in common, staying interested in each other days, and just working on yourselves. see how you guys feel about your relationship after this. Don't pressure him about settling down you've already spent 6 years what is a month or two? I'm still kind of young but I think my relationship has made it so far because I've been dating my best friend. He gave me one of his favorite Hot wheels if that's not love I don't know what is lol ❤️. AND He put all of our hotwheels together and called it our collection just recently. I'm not worried about him going anywhere even though we don't talk about the future lol. If you guys have that it'll work its self out...at least I like to think so. I also always hear monogamy is dead though.

 

what the both of you have sounds really special and sweet. you sound like a good girlfriend to your partner and he is very doting on you.

 

i hope to someday be where you guys are - where you arent worried about him leaving even though you dont talk much about the future. i just want that kind of security in my rs. my boyfriend always puts others before him. and for this, i always worry that he is scared of telling me that he is unhappy because he doesnt want to be the one to leave me. which leads me to question if he is just cruising along in the rs. so knowing this, i feel like the ball is in my court - i should be the one to end things for the better of both of us, no?

 

and yes, Evad, i will definitely want to give it a few more months and be the best that i can be for him and see just where it goes and how we feel by then.

 

one more thing which drives me crazy is the feeling of not being good enough for him. i wonder if it was another girl, he would be more sure and excited about settling down. this really bugs me a lot. that i can't be The One for him.

 

haha sometimes i really think of crazy stuff in my head and it is quite toxic i must say.

 

ooh and he gave you his favourite hotwheels! that is definitely love, girl!

[evad1]

what the both of you have sounds really special and sweet. you sound like a good girlfriend to your partner and he is very doting on you.

 

i hope to someday be where you guys are - where you arent worried about him leaving even though you dont talk much about the future. i just want that kind of security in my rs. my boyfriend always puts others before him. and for this, i always worry that he is scared of telling me that he is unhappy because he doesnt want to be the one to leave me. which leads me to question if he is just cruising along in the rs. so knowing this, i feel like the ball is in my court - i should be the one to end things for the better of both of us, no?

 

and yes, Evad, i will definitely want to give it a few more months and be the best that i can be for him and see just where it goes and how we feel by then.

 

one more thing which drives me crazy is the feeling of not being good enough for him. i wonder if it was another girl, he would be more sure and excited about settling down. this really bugs me a lot. that i can't be The One for him.

 

haha sometimes i really think of crazy stuff in my head and it is quite toxic i must say.

 

ooh and he gave you his favourite hotwheels! that is definitely love, girl!

I asked my boyfriend for a response. I want to make sure I'm giving you the best advise here. You touched a special cord here. He normally doesn't listen to stuff like this so that was nice of him lol. Obviously he didn't think it was cheating. He also said," leave it be. If he came back it means he didn't find whatever he was looking for." That's just what he thought though. Yes but it took a lot of work to get here on my part. I had to work on a lot of things and he has his problems too obviously but they don't really affect how smoothly our relationship work. Not to sound raunchy but doing that b00ty as least once a week never hurt anyone. You already know what I'm talking about if you've been together for 6 years though

[reman]

His actions sound disrespectful to me. I would be concerned and not want to date a guy like this.

[evad1]

His actions sound disrespectful to me. I would be concerned and not want to date a guy like this.

 

I just wanted to also mention the posters boyfriend he doesn't sound like a bad guy to me at all. Even in his post he said he cheat while in relationship and you've been saying he puts others before himself. He sounds like a really great guy. He just seems a little iffy about things. I mean he called you intelligent all that good stuff. He sounds better then my boyfriend lol. You sound awesome too and like a very nice person. I can tell you really care about him. You also said all of his friends like you. You both said you're happy together. Here's a article that talks about what I was describing. If you feel in your heart you're wrong for each other don't do it. Give up on it right now but if you're just unsure about the settling part. I encourage you to work on your friendship together. It will force both of you to get outside your comfort zone. You'll find you're not as worried about settling down. You'll both be too busy enjoying the here and now you have together. Why would he continue to worry about finding someone better later on when he's completely content in the moment? /

[Ms Darcy]

]

 

Say whaaaat?!?! Nice.

[Ms Darcy]

one more thing which drives me crazy is the feeling of not being good enough for him. i wonder if it was another girl, he would be more sure and excited about settling down. this really bugs me a lot. that i can't be The One for him.

 

haha sometimes i really think of crazy stuff in my head and it is quite toxic i must say.

 

I agree with those think the relationship will probably come to an end at some point. You sound like a nice person who is very insecure (stalking his internet activity, not thinking you are good enough). Even much of his Reddit post was sort of more about how into him YOU are versus the other way around.

 

I just hope that you can learn to be a bit more self-confident after this relationship ends before the next relationship.