would this be considered cheating?

[poppins90]

Hi all I would need some input regarding the below;

 

My boyfriend (27) has been searching for a particular girl's profile constantly on different social media platforms (Facebook and Instagram). When i say constantly, it is almost every other day. Should i be worried about this? He passingly mentioned before that he finds this girl hot.

 

Slight background on our /s; it has been quite strained but we are both trying to make it work. This r/s has been the first for him and i guess he is worried on what he would be missing out on. We have been tgt 6 years now.

 

He has been most faithful to me and i am thankful for that. But would a wandering mind like this be considered emotional cheating?

[reinventmyself]

Looking at a picture every other day isn't emotional cheating, IMO.

It's a gate way drug of some sorts, but he hasn't committed a crime.

[Wiseman2]

Looking at attractive people is not cheating. Why is the relationship strained?

My boyfriend has been searching for a particular girl's profile constantly on different social media platforms.He passingly mentioned before that he finds this girl hot.

[RainyCoast]

Is it okay for you that he is so obsessed with her?

[HeartGoesOn]

He passingly mentioned before that he finds this girl hot.

^

Searching for her profile is not emotional cheating, (imo), however adding the above statement is tacky and disrespectful.

[poppins90]

Looking at attractive people is not cheating. Why is the relationship strained?

 

he is not just looking at attractive people. it is the fact that is it the one same girl which bothers me.

i guess i wouldnt be too bothered if the r/s is stable and strong. it is strained becos i feel like he has the grass is greener syndrome. having been the first r/s he has, he wonders if there's a better girl for him. he also mentions that he has doubts abt our rs and the thought of settling down w me scares him.

i stumbled upon this on a reddit thread he posted on btw..

 

i havent yet told him abt this. we did have this talk before though but the content on reddit was much more detailed and so im pretty hurt

[poppins90]

Is it okay for you that he is so obsessed with her?

 

it does bother me. that he has a wandering mind.. some days i am okay with it, some days (like today), i am not.

we had an argument last night and i suddenly thought of this, so im quite bothered by it.

 

also, he has mentioned before that he feels that he has fallen out of love w me.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but these are indeed red flags that he's checked out of the relationship and is just coasting along. What did the reddit post say?

he also mentions that he has doubts abt our rs and the thought of settling down w me scares him.

he has mentioned before that he feels that he has fallen out of love w me.

[Naomi99]

I find it strange that he blatantly searches for photos of this chick right in front of your eyes.

 

When I look for nudes of Wiseman2, I always wait until I'm alone.

[Ksol9]

If you are posting here then it's absolutely bothering you. No one knows your relationship better than you do. If there are some other things that are off in the relationship then this searching is a symptom of other issues.

 

Normally, there is nothing wrong with searching. I had a problem similar to this in my relationship. We were having problems and I saw this searching the same exact way that you did. In fact, I think I used the exact same word...wandering mind. It's hurtful because you think he's interested, but it could very well just be out of curiousity. I ended up making a huge deal about the searches and it got me no where. You need to sit down and think of the underlying problems within your relationship and then attack those issues first.

 

Don't allow this to cause you to behave jealous, needy, insecure or any of those other things. Take a stand back, be composed and do a thorough assessment of your relationship.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I remember being pretty hurt over something like this and then afterward I felt rather ridiculous. good luck and I hope it gets sorted out.

[JaggerJim]

^

Searching for her profile is not emotional cheating, (imo), however adding the above statement is tacky and disrespectful.

 

I agree. To say "she's hot" is a douche move. Why do you accept this behavior?

[Matt3939]

Wiseman keeps those gif's under lock and key naomi

[Wiseman2]

When I look for nudes of Wiseman2, I always wait until I'm alone.

]

[poppins90]

Sorry to hear this but these are indeed red flags that he's checked out of the relationship and is just coasting along. What did the reddit post say?

 

hi Wiseman,

the post below in italics (im unable to post URL)

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years. We have grown very close over the years, and I can truly call her my lover and best friend. This relationship has been my first, so I haven't had many experiences with other girls in the past, aside from drunken hook ups in clubs/parties when I was younger. I've felt bored in this relationship many a times and found my mind wandering, curious about grass on the other side. In fact, I cannot deny that I've felt attracted to other girls that I've met when I was in school. I've never acted on it, not while being in a committed relationship, but it did bother me a great deal knowing that I yearned for something else.

 

We're not actually planning on getting married anytime soon, but whenever the thought of it crosses my mind, the idea of me spending the rest of my life with her scares me a great deal. I guess I'm afraid because I don't know what I may be missing out on. What if theres someone else out there? Someone who, when I think of marrying, I'll be 100% sure of? Or maybe there isn't one because I'm just afraid of commitment? I may never know.

 

At the same time, I care for her a great deal, and i feel blessed to have someone who loves me so deeply, despite all of my flaws. I really feel like she deserves someone better than me, but on the other hand, she seems to be happy with me. We've talked about it before and she basically kinda told me that i was the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. What kind of guy would I be, if I decided to walk out on her now after so long?

 

So i'm at a dilemna most of these days. I tell myself that I love her, but if i truly did, shouldn't I be more certain about marrying her? I've shared with a few close friends how i feel, and most of them have told me that I should stay with her, she's beautiful and intelligent, that what I have with her is rare and hard to find, yada yada. But I can't seem to shake off this feeling in my gut, of doubt and uncertainty. Maybe it's normal for all men to feel this way about marriage? The way I see it, if I'm already feeling this way now, the right thing to do is to end it. And trust me when I say that I've thought really long and hard about this. But whenever I see her, I just can't bring myself to break her heart.

 

tl;dr: Marriage scares me. Not sure if she's "The one", is it normal to feel this way? Is the right thing to do, to call it off now?

 

 

he wrote this 6mths ago. we broke up for a short while in Sept and he has since told me that he would want to try again with me. i only recently came across this reddit post a few days back and am at a lost as to whether i should let him know about this.

[poppins90]

I agree. To say "she's hot" is a douche move. Why do you accept this behavior?

 

i kinda egged him on. i asked him 'so you find her hot?' he just agreed with me. he usually dont make such comments on girls. he has been very respectful to me in all other aspects.

[Naomi99]

Please don't let him know you've read the reddit post.

[poppins90]

I find it strange that he blatantly searches for photos of this chick right in front of your eyes.

 

When I look for nudes of Wiseman2, I always wait until I'm alone.

 

im sorry i dint make it clear. i saw his browsing history.. he wasnt doing it in front of me

[poppins90]

If you are posting here then it's absolutely bothering you. No one knows your relationship better than you do. If there are some other things that are off in the relationship then this searching is a symptom of other issues.

 

Normally, there is nothing wrong with searching. I had a problem similar to this in my relationship. We were having problems and I saw this searching the same exact way that you did. In fact, I think I used the exact same word...wandering mind. It's hurtful because you think he's interested, but it could very well just be out of curiousity. I ended up making a huge deal about the searches and it got me no where. You need to sit down and think of the underlying problems within your relationship and then attack those issues first.

 

Don't allow this to cause you to behave jealous, needy, insecure or any of those other things. Take a stand back, be composed and do a thorough assessment of your relationship.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I remember being pretty hurt over something like this and then afterward I felt rather ridiculous. good luck and I hope it gets sorted out.

 

hi Ksol, sorry to hear abt this. i hope things are better for you now?

 

yes, sometimes i qn myself if i am just over-reacting and being jealous unnecessarily. right now, my sense of judgement isn't exactly the best because im only feeling hurt and betrayed. he has never acted on this, so it may just be innocent looking. then again, you can never be too sure of someone else's feelings or what is running through their mind.

 

my biggest fear is to be strung along by someone who has already checked out of the rs. he is caring to me usually but having broken up once before, i find it hard to shake off this fear.

[Naomi99]

im sorry i dint make it clear. i saw his browsing history.. he wasnt doing it in front of me

 

You're searching his browsing history and now searching his Reddit account.

 

Maybe lay off the stalking and let things happen naturally. If he's posting on Reddit concerns about your relationship, doesn't it make you feel good that he wants to make the right decision and consulting strangers on the internet for their advice?

 

Suppose he had all these issues but didn't iron them out before he married you. You'd be in trouble. That's what he's doing; coming to terms with unresolved issues so he can be the bestest husband he can be.

[Ksol9]

hi Ksol, sorry to hear abt this. i hope things are better for you now?

 

yes, sometimes i qn myself if i am just over-reacting and being jealous unnecessarily. right now, my sense of judgement isn't exactly the best because im only feeling hurt and betrayed. he has never acted on this, so it may just be innocent looking. then again, you can never be too sure of someone else's feelings or what is running through their mind.

 

my biggest fear is to be strung along by someone who has already checked out of the rs. he is caring to me usually but having broken up once before, i find it hard to shake off this fear.

 

I completely understand. As soon as I read what he wrote on that post, I thought of this book I read. It was extremely helpful to me and I think you will find it beneficial. Not sure if you like to read, but I think you should read it if you haven't already. It's called..Make Up, Don't Break Up by Dr. Bonnie Weil. It talks about what you guys are going through.

[Hollyj]

It sounds like he is only staying in the relationship because it is what you want. I think you need to ask yourself if this is what you want. Or, do you want someone who is passionate about you, and wishes to share a family and future together?

[poppins90]

It sounds like he is only staying in the relationship because it is what you want. I think you need to ask yourself if this is what you want. Or, do you want someone who is passionate about you, and wishes to share a family and future together?

 

we made a mutual decision to breakup sometime in Sept but after a month later he told me that he wanted to make things better with me. i would never force him to be with me just for my sake and i think he knows that.

[poppins90]

thank you i will check the book out! really love a good book.

 

these days i find myself distancing from him over what happened and it hurts that i cannot be open and honest with him about this. he has been asking me what is wrong and i dont know what to say, really.

[poppins90]

You're searching his browsing history and now searching his Reddit account.

 

Maybe lay off the stalking and let things happen naturally. If he's posting on Reddit concerns about your relationship, doesn't it make you feel good that he wants to make the right decision and consulting strangers on the internet for their advice?

 

Suppose he had all these issues but didn't iron them out before he married you. You'd be in trouble. That's what he's doing; coming to terms with unresolved issues so he can be the bestest husband he can be.

 

hey Naomi, you are right. I guess i only saw and processed the bad parts of his post. i am only focusing on how betrayed i feel and im not seeing the bigger picture. thank you for pointing that out.

 

the next step now would be trying to move forward with this fact on my shoulder. it is hard to be as open, vulnerable and caring towards him as i was before after getting to know that im not the only one on his mind.

[notalady]

I think there's nothing really wrong with the relationship other than the fact that he's young and inexperienced (and dare I say immature), therefore he's wondering about what's out there, wondering if there's someone out there he'd be 100% sure about. And unfortunately, I think that's why a lot of relationships developed in late teens, early twenties rarely work out, because you don't have a reference point or comparison, you don't know if what you have is the best you'll ever get or you could find someone more compatible. And once that thought gets in your head, it's very hard to extinguish. I don't think it will just go away unfortunately. Curiosity kills the cat afterall.

 

I personally would break up and let him get what he wants - to date other women. Meanwhile you date others as well. If by chance, after a looong while (eg a year), you both decided that you're right for each other, you can try again.

 

Last thing you want is sticking it out, get married, have children, and one day find out that he still thinks about "what could've been". You'll have much much more to lose then than now.