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Husband flirting when I'm not around


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So I don't know what I should do. My husband got a new phone, and I looked in his old one. I don't look through his phone ever, this was unlike me, but it was sitting there and curiosity got the best of me. I read his conversation with his friend and I'm just upset about what I read. He has been at a friend's house a couple weeks ago watching a race. This is the conversation:

 

Hubby: I hope I didn't offend her

 

Friend: she doesnt get offended, I'm offended that she didn't pull her titties out. I tried to hook you up. (The girl they are taking about is his friends girlfriend, so they are obviously joking about the actual hooking up)

 

Hubby: I couldn't do it, I'd just imagine your between them. Ot maybe I could do it. Those are some nice titties.

 

Ok so my problem is, do I ask him about this? I don't want him to know I looked through his phone and think that's what I do. But it bothers me a lot.

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What inspired you to look through his phone? Are you concerned about something? The conversation sounds like locker room talk. Why are you suspicious? Do you trust him?

I don't want him to know I looked through his phone
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Yeah, that's not flirting. That's actively letting your friends help you cheat on your wife, and chickening out only because you don't want to be sloppy seconds to your friend.

 

I have no idea what you will do about it. If it were me Hubby would come home to his bags packed, a note saying I was out the door to see a divorce attorney with the messages printed out. Of course, I wouldn't do any of this until I had arranged to make sure my own finances were protected, so he couldn't vengeance steal money or credit cards.

 

And I'd divorce him ASAP. I wouldn't even pretend how I got that info, who cares? You knew something was up or you wouldn't have looked at the phone to begin with, so now that you have the proof you went looking for it's up to you to decide what your next action is.

 

I know you aren't me. I just developed a zero tolerance scorched earth policy after letting myself get cheated on multiple times. What you do is your own decision, but that's not flirting. Not even close.

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More background:

He's an amazing husband, and treats me great. So much that I was shocked to read that. I'm 8 months pregnant and no job. So no finances.

Could it just be men talking vulgar to each other and I shouldn't read too much into it?

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Exactly. It's conversation between two guys about breasts or whatever. Not cheating! Relax and stop snooping.

 

Seriously? You thought men talk to each other like they are on daytime tv soap operas?

 

Perhaps getting a job would get you out of the house, keep your mind engaged in better things and give you some money, independence and self esteem.

I'm 8 months pregnant and no job. So no finances. Could it just be men talking vulgar to each other and I shouldn't read too much into it?
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More background:

He's an amazing husband, and treats me great. So much that I was shocked to read that. I'm 8 months pregnant and no job. So no finances.

Could it just be men talking vulgar to each other and I shouldn't read too much into it?

 

There are guys that talk like this. It is unlikely that his friend would help, or that even his girlfriend would oblige. From the text it sounds like he's being sarcastic.

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I agree with Wiseman that it is "locker room talk."

 

I have also come to the conclusion that if you went through an old phone, anybody's phone, that was heavily used for various things and completely unfiltered and unsuspecting of being snooped, you will find SOMETHING that would upset somebody. For that reason I don't snoop anymore. Even if you don't find outright cheating, you'll find something else upsetting. Why do that to yourself?

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Yeah, that's not flirting. That's actively letting your friends help you cheat on your wife, and chickening out only because you don't want to be sloppy seconds to your friend.

 

I have no idea what you will do about it. If it were me Hubby would come home to his bags packed, a note saying I was out the door to see a divorce attorney with the messages printed out. Of course, I wouldn't do any of this until I had arranged to make sure my own finances were protected, so he couldn't vengeance steal money or credit cards.

 

And I'd divorce him ASAP. I wouldn't even pretend how I got that info, who cares? You knew something was up or you wouldn't have looked at the phone to begin with, so now that you have the proof you went looking for it's up to you to decide what your next action is.

 

I know you aren't me. I just developed a zero tolerance scorched earth policy after letting myself get cheated on multiple times. What you do is your own decision, but that's not flirting. Not even close.

 

I recommend not jumping to that conclusion that fast. Guys talk which each other like this, they are not thinking of cheating, some are just thinking their regular thoughts about every girl that moves. I realize you got cheated on and that's bad but please be careful of not moving to the opposite side of the spectrum and start destroying good relationships on false positives. With the zero tolerance policy, suspicion, and no communication of root cause, it is likely that any misunderstanding will lead to an end.

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I mean the raunch factor is a little higher than I'd take it, personally, but yes, a lot of dudes talk like this. Especially considering it's his friend he's talking to about his girlfriend, I don't see the threat or the harm. I'd stop taking it personally and stop invading your husband's privacy.

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Thanks. This is actually what I wanted to hear, that it's normal. I was looking through his phone out of boredom and curiosity. Not because I don't trust him. I was just surprised to read that. Although it's morr that he said something to the girl about her boobs that bothers me. He said "I think I offended her".

And I'm only not working because I'm 8 months pregnant and my husband doesn't want me to work.

But this is why I was asking. I don't want to say something to him if it's really just vulgar guy talk and nothing I should worry about.

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I wouldn't be too worried about it. I agree sounds like harmless guy talk. Your husband apparently said something he second guessed while he was with them, and this was their playful banter talking about it. If it had been someone other than his friend's girlfriend, my opinion would be different.

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Women take things differently. And over think things. Which is exactly why I was asking for advice. I didn't want to bring it up to him if I'm over reacting. I really appreciate the guys who responded. It makes me feel better that this is just normal talk.

It hurts my feelings to hear or see him say stuff like that. It makes me feel less attractive. I wish guys understood that. But I hope it was harmless. He's a good husband.

 

Exactly. It's conversation between two guys about breasts or whatever. Not cheating! Relax and stop snooping.

 

Seriously? You thought men talk to each other like they are on daytime tv soap operas?

 

Perhaps getting a job would get you out of the house, keep your mind engaged in better things and give you some money, independence and self esteem.

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He didn't say it to you, you snooped. He made a crude remark to another guy, not to you.

 

You hurt your own feelings by snooping, getting over-emotional and over-interpreting. Your not working, being bored and your condition make you fell that way, not your husband. He doesn't talk crassly to your face does he?

It hurts my feelings to hear or see him say stuff like that. It makes me feel less attractive.
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He made a rude remark to a girl. Not a guy. About how nice her boobs are. Not sure exactly what was said or done, but I know she was really drunk so who knows. It's still inappropriate to speak to other women that way when you are married. The conversation I read was him and his friend talking about that night.

Imagine if you found out your wife talks to other men like that at a party that you couldn't attend.

 

Because I'm home 8 months pregnant with our fifth child.

I get it, it's just how guys talk and that makes me feel better. That's actually what I wanted to hear. But you don't have to make me sound completely crazy. Completely crazy would be if I listened to that lady's advice and kicked him out. I didn't even mention I to him and I'm not going to.

But it doesnt mean whatever he did and said while I wasn't there was appropriate behavior as a husband.

 

And that w as the first time I looked in his phone. Ever. And it was his old phone, because he just got a new one. I couldn't sleep and was up at 3am and it was sitting on the table. I know his password, and he knows that I do, so he wasn't trying to hide anything anyway. I still feel bad even looking in it.

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They were bantering about getting sexual with one of the others girlfriends? On another note, I would never joke with my friends about sharing my girlfriend. Nor would I make a comment about my friends girlfriends breasts. Harmless I'm sure, but weird.

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I totally agree. That's very weird. But he and his two best friend do that. They think it's funny I guess. One of their wives just had a baby and when he announced it he said "one of you is a dad" suggesting they got his wife pregnant. They are weird.

 

 

They were bantering about getting sexual with one of the others girlfriends? On another note, I would never joke with my friends about sharing my girlfriend. Nor would I make a comment about my friends girlfriends breasts. Harmless I'm sure, but weird.
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One of you is a dad?? Buahaha that's one of those things you go to hell for laughing at.

Apparently they just share a gross sense of humor.

You will probably learn to turn a deaf ear.

What he said to that woman was probably not nearly as direct and inappropriate to what he said in the text.

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Maybe I just read the post wrong, it sure sounded to me like his friend was "offering up" some woman for him to sleep with, and he'd gottne drunk and hit on the woman, which is why I gave the advice I did.

 

OP, you should talk to him about it still. Keeping that silent will not help you and if he's a great husband you should be able to sit him down and talk to him about it.

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Your husband, probally drunk, watching a race at a friends house, txt's some friend: "I hope I didn't offend her"

 

So-called male friend txt's back: she doesnt get offended, I'm offended that she didn't pull her titties out. I tried to hook you up.

 

Your husband replies: I couldn't do it, I'd just imagine your, [penis] between them. [Or] maybe I could do it. Those are some nice titties.

 

Is this what was implied/said? If so...

 

Sorry Momof, but this is something that was happening before the booze.

You blaming yourself or sweeping it under the rug won't help.

 

PS, Everybody snoops..., everyday. It's just a matter of what on-the-fly definition of snooping they're using at the time. You paying attention to what goes on under your roof is proper and expected.

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Exactly. It's conversation between two guys about breasts or whatever. Not cheating! Relax and stop snooping.

 

Seriously? You thought men talk to each other like they are on daytime tv soap operas?

 

Perhaps getting a job would get you out of the house, keep your mind engaged in better things and give you some money, independence and self esteem.

 

This. I usually agree 100% with Paulette, but in this case I think it's an overreaction to think this means anything more than dirty jokes. It seems like stupid locker room conversation between two male friends. Is it disrespectful? Yes, but it's just a conversation between the two which they thought it was being private and neither of the wives/girlfriend would see. I see these types of conversations equivalent to when a group of girlfriends gets together and talk about their men and private sex life among them. Those types of conversations between men or between women can be nasty in content and they wouldn't have them in front of their spouses, but they're usually harmless.

 

 

Now if the conversation was between him and the that friend's girlfriend that would be different. I don't see any flirting or evidence of cheating here.

 

If he's respectful and kind to you and you're happy in the relationship I wouldn't look too much over this and I'd stop snooping.

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PS, Everybody snoops..., everyday. It's just a matter of what on-the-fly definition of snooping they're using at the time. You paying attention to what goes on under your roof is proper and expected.
Not sure I'd conflate very basic situational awareness with digging through someone's private digital media.

 

Additionally, I disagree with talking to him about it. Yes, you should be able to talk to your partner about anything. That doesn't mean you've got license to unload mundane insecurities on them without making an effort to internalize and rationalize them yourself. Sure, if it's to the point you really don't think you can get over it, it's only fair to him to work it out with you before there's an explosion. But I hope you can take the accounts of the guys (and most women) here to heart and move past this.

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