Ex girlfriend is afraid..

[Jonathan18]

Helloo,

 

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up 6 weeks ago. We've had a relationship for 3 years with ups and downs and after trying to work things out so many times, she doesn't want to work on it anymore. She wants to focus and work on herself because she was not doing herself good with all the stressing.

 

After talking occasionally for the past 6 weeks, she gave me a lot of mixed signals. First she told me: ''We will never be together anymore,'' and after giving her some time and space, she realised that she actually didn't really like it that other girls were talking to me and told me: ''Maybe we can come back together again, but right now I don't want a relationship. But there is a chance we can come back together, yes.''. Maybe I'm Plan B and I realise that, but she isn't talking to other guys (I know that for 100%), so I think I still have a chance. We both still have (jealous) feelings for each other and we definitely don't like it to see each other with someone else. Which is naturally and normal after a breakup, I know, but still..

 

But the thing is... My ex girlfriend is afraid that IF we come back together again that the struggles we had won't be different this time and that we will fall back into the same . She also said that we didn't do enough ''fun things'' together. This was mostly because of our busy schedule of school/work etc.. I'm trying to convince her that when I turn 18 things are gonna change, when I turn 18 I am allowed to drive a car and so we can do fun things ALL THE TIME, every weekend! And the moment I told her this I just felt that she was doubting her decision and was thinking Hmmmmm maybe, maybe... but she isn't convinced, yet.

 

Also she for example told me she wants to go shopping with me, to see how she feels about it. She literally said this, which is a good thing, right? I just know for a fact that she is doubting, she wants to try it again but she is afraid it doesn't work out and has to deal with these awful feelings again of a relationship that isn't working out.

 

We've been in the exact same position of breaking up in the past, but we always worked on it and now she thinks it's enough (RIGHT BEFORE I TURN 18 AND WE CAN DO FUN THINGS TOGETHER!). She tells me she wants to work on herself, and doesn't want to commit to a relationship right now, but I know she is doubting. How can I change her mind that a relationship is possible and that it can work out, especially when we can do fun things now!

 

This friday we're going to the woods to walk around a bit and talk about things that happened in the past couple of weeks. She came with the whole idea to come together and talk, not me!

 

Should I ask her where she's so afraid of and why? And then PROMISE her that things will go differently this time around if we come back together? Should I just keep in touch with her, and if she has time do things together to step-by-step get the feelings back? What's a wise decision?

 

Thanks everyone, I abosutely love this forum. It's helping me a lot!♥

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she keeps friendzoning you. You can do all the fun hangouts you want but the bottom line is she has told you repeatedly she doesn't want a relationship and you will never be together again.

[Jonathan18]

She is doubting and maybe it can be something again if we keep in contact and go step-by-step? Making her fall in love with me again? Do fun things together?

[Wiseman2]

Your exgf is not afraid. She does not want to get back together. She does not want to meet up for sex. She is not jealous of you. These are all threads you started because it's how You feel. It's call 'projection' when the feelings we actually have are cast onto someone because of that.

 

Reading all those "how to get your ex back" sites won't help you either because they prey on that same type of wishful thinking. You've played a lot of games from reading that rubbish and each and every one backfired, right? You need to chill and stop being clingy, playing games, etc. it's really that simple. You are in a panic and only a therapist can help you with that and other odd thinking.

 

"Psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. Psychological projection involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with the unwanted feelings".

[Andrina]

It's very rare, in this day and age, to marry the first gf you dated as a teen. You have plenty of time to settle down with a woman later, when you've had enough life experience, including dating experiences, to know which woman is the right one for you. And the right one is never one willing to let you go, not even once.

 

Have fun with guy friends. Travel. Get into some hobbies/interests. Concentrate on your education and a career. I had the same bf for two years as a teen, and then dated a lot and got married at age 21. How I wished I could've turned back time and not been so intent on having serious boyfriends during that time. And then my marriage ended in divorce because I wasn't mature enough to make a good decision at that young point in my life.

 

Go no contact for closure, or you will endlessly mourn the death of a relationship that has run its course.

[MissCanuck]

She is doubting and maybe it can be something again if we keep in contact and go step-by-step? Making her fall in love with me again? Do fun things together?

 

Probably not.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but you are both very young, if I recall from previous threads. She won't be the one you stay with forever.

[J Miracle]

You have to ghost her man. She said what she wanted, now be a good listener and a give the girl what she wants. Her freedom. At best, it might gain her respect (your only chance). But you will surely feel better about yourself. Maybe your a backup, maybe your emotional support, but do you really want to be any of those? No, you want to be her man. You have wants and needs, which are reasonable, and they're not being met by her.

 

I'm telling you, friend zone = danger zone. Your gonna get hurt if you hang out there and try patching this up. And it will hurt more later.

 

Now go do those Fun Things, but with other girls. Girls that want you, cause I'm sure there are plenty out there.