Going No Contact is too hard.

[Lovelorn22]

I desperately need to go NO CONTACT with my ex and drop him completely out of my life but God is it hard. I can happily say that I've gone a full day without saying a word to him. How sad is that? It's only been a day and I'm struggling.

 

I think it's pretty obvious that this isn't the first time I've tried no contact with him. We were quite off-and-on for the past 4ish months we've known one another. See, it hasn't even been that long and I'm completely hung up over him. I know he's probably out banging some chick right now as I type yet the thought of another guy touching me makes me sick. I sincerely wish I could just hook up with some random to get over him but I've no desire to be with anyone but him.

 

I feel like it would help so much if I had someone to talk to about this but... we were each other's only friends. And I don't want to go into details but he's the reason I lost the few "friends"(basically acquaintances) I did have...So letting him go would make me feel like the biggest loner and fool ever. This may be the main reason I still want to contact him.

 

I know I can do way better than him. Without going to much into detail... he's a very screwed up person mentally and emotionally. He suffered a lot of hurt and abuse growing up and got into a lot of immoral shenanigans as a result. His last girlfriend broke his heart in an awful awful way which he said "made him not respect women and unable to feel love ever again". I guess I wanted to "save" him. I never thought I'd fall into that stupid trap but here I am.

 

As you can imagine, I was treated like crap. He used me for company (everyone else was smart enough to stay away) and sex. He loved that I was willing (aka stupid enough) to spend time with him and listen to him and be a friend to him when no one else would. He's a very attractive guy and never had a problem getting sex, but it always stopped there. Girls would realize how damaged he was and rightfully bolt after their escapade. Not me. He loved having someone to call "his girlfriend" but that was all I was. He admitted to never feeling love for me (he lied about loving me for months until finally coming clean recently which is why I'm going NC right now).

 

I'm just so hurt and I can't deal. I hate so so much that throughout this "mess" we called a relationship, I fell in love with him. We started out as FWBs and after he realized I wouldn't leave him like everyone else, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I'd developed feelings for him before I ever even slept with him so of course I agreed to this naively thinking he had feelings for me. I should've known this wasn't true when, whenever we were "off" (I broke up with him 3 times after being sick of his crap) the first thing he'd do was bang other chicks. Yes we weren't together but to go and hook up THAT soon?

 

I don't want to keep talking to someone who doesn't and most likely never will love me. Who used me and used me when I was the only one who was there for him. But he was the only person I had. he was the only person I opened up to and I feel like he became a part of me whether I wanted him to or not. I have no one else and he's a big reason for that. How can I keep being NC with him when he's all I have and I love him? Please help.

[Matt3939]

The only way is day by day. I have seriously watched the clock at 1 point. Happy to make it thru another day. Going out and having sex will most likely just get you feeling used again. Pick up your pieces and find someone on the same page as yourself.

[Wiseman2]

So many red flags. On/off that is the first big red flag. And the red flags get worse from there. Stay strict no contact, delete and block him from all social media.

 

Why go back to a player who "treats you like crap" and "uses you for sex"? Next time don't over-invest, get over -attached or revolve your life around someone you are dating 4 mos on/off.

 

No reason to drop your friends and obsess over him. Reconnect with your friends and focus on your school/work, social life, activities, interests, etc.

We were quite off-and-on for the past 4ish months... we were each other's only friends. I was treated like crap. He used me for sex. We started out as FWBs whenever we were "off" I broke up with him 3 times after being sick of his crap the first thing he'd do was bang other chicks.

[Reflections11]

Yes no contact is brutal. But you know what is even more brutal? Dragging it out, desperately contacting them over and over, gradually feeling worse and worse about yourself as you make yourself look even crazier, and them eventually blocking you instead.

 

At least with no contact you can leave with a shred of self respect. And heal much quicker.

[DancingFool]

All I'm going to say is that dropping him cold would make you smart. Keeping him around because you have nobody else to be friends with would be make you a fool.

 

It's only been 4 months....you can reconnect with your friends and acquaintances quite easily. Also, get busy going out and meeting more people in general - hobbies, go to meetup.com and see what you might like, join the groups, participate, make new friends. Also, ask for extra hours at work, pick up projects to do, etc. Basically, get yourself busy and keep yourself busy. When you are busy with other things, you'll quickly find yourself either too tired or too content or both, to bother with ex drama. In fact in general, when you have a lot different things going for you, you won't be interested in letting drama into your life and get really selective about men and who is and isn't worth your time. This guy obviously is not worth anyone's time.

[Lovelorn22]

Thanks everyone. I notice that everyone is telling me to reconnect with the friends/acquaintances I lost as a result of getting involved with him. Unfortunately, this isn't an option. I don't want to go into the details but trust that those bridges are burned.

 

He just left me a voicemail telling me he needs to see me. I don't plan on responding to it in any way. I know he just wants his little ego boost back.

 

I wish I could focus on only the bad things but the good keeps flooding my mind. I didn't mention that we had a major co-dependency thing going. He did practically everything for me. He bought me things whenever I ran out/needed them, fixed things that were broken, cleaned and cooked for me and even did my homework sometimes. This was all on his own will. It's going to suck having to do everything on my own again, as bratty as that sounds. But you can see how unhealthy it all was and how much harder this makes having NC.

[tina-rocks]

So many red flags. On/off that is the first big red flag. And the red flags get worse from there. Stay strict no contact, delete and block him from all social media.

 

Why go back to a player who "treats you like crap" and "uses you for sex"? Next time don't over-invest, get over -attached or revolve your life around someone you are dating 4 mos on/off.

 

No reason to drop your friends and obsess over him. Reconnect with your friends and focus on your school/work, social life, activities, interests, etc.

 

Wise man hit the nail on the head with this. Read his post carefully and keep going back to it, when you feel weak.

 

Have faith in yourself and think about whether you would treat another human being, the way you were treated by him. If the answer is no, you have all the answers you need. Be kind to yourself, only one shot in this life, so make it count.

 

Christina

[Wiseman2]

This is why they have a block feature on phones and social media.

He just left me a voicemail telling me he needs to see me.

[Lovelorn22]

This is why they have a block feature on phones and social media.

 

I don't think I'm quite ready to block him yet. Pathetic, right? I just don't want to miss if he says something that could be important, I don't know.

[Lovelorn22]

Wise man hit the nail on the head with this. Read his post carefully and keep going back to it, when you feel weak.

 

Have faith in yourself and think about whether you would treat another human being, the way you were treated by him. If the answer is no, you have all the answers you need. Be kind to yourself, only one shot in this life, so make it count.

 

Christina

 

Another thing I neglected to mention... I'm pretty sure this is Karma at work. The way I treated my previous (and first) boyfriend was very similar to what I'm going through now with this new ex. I realized this not long ago. A big reason why it's so hard to go NC is because I feel like I deserve this.

 

After experiencing this, I sent my ex the longest letter of apology because I know now what I put him through. I will NEVER treat another human being like that again.

[Wiseman2]

Such as 'let's hook up'?

I don't think I'm quite ready to block him yet. I just don't want to miss if he says something that could be important

[Matt3939]

Karma is human made. It doesn't exist. Yes believe me I wish it did but that's not reality. Don't bring yourself down from previous things. Learn from them and improve yourself.

[Lovelorn22]

More like "I realize that I actually DO love you". But don't worry, I only want him to say that so I'll have the satisfaction of not feeling like too much of a fool. I still won't take him back.

[Lovelorn22]

Karma is human made. It doesn't exist. Yes believe me I wish it did but that's not reality. Don't bring yourself down from previous things. Learn from them and improve yourself.

 

Thank you. Will do.

[SooSad33]

Most likely.. the fact of his past abuse issue's and then to add the gf, who hurt him.. makes him who he is now.

Like he 'admitted', his inability to feel 'love', etc.

 

I know a few like that. Like perma-damaged from their past= mental & emotional mess. Those you have to work yourself AWAY from. They are damaging for sure.

 

Now.. you have to keep working on it. Avoiding him.. no games.. no contact. Can be challenging, yes! But. believe you've got the strength.

You NEED to get your self respect back.

 

Wrong to even go there with him as a Fwb.

 

I understand.. and I'm sure you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by that experience?

With my ex- it was like I was pulled into his whirlwind of a life, which was overwhelming to me, I realized and it set off triggers of my own anxiety I had and depression. Down I went- again

 

Now.. it's time you fight harder than ever.. to stay away and work on your healing.. for your own good!

These kinds of people are 'toxic'... Remember that word.

 

You may have some 'loving' feelings for him.. BUT you need to understand, he is a user. he doesn't 'love'.

Sorry you got caught up in his damaging life

 

Not sure how long you two were together.. or how old this dude is?

Keep fighting yourself away from him.. now!.. No more.

[Lovelorn22]

Most likely.. the fact of his past abuse issue's and then to add the gf, who hurt him.. makes him who he is now.

Like he 'admitted', his inability to feel 'love', etc.

 

I know a few like that. Like perma-damaged from their past= mental & emotional mess. Those you have to work yourself AWAY from. They are damaging for sure.

 

Now.. you have to keep working on it. Avoiding him.. no games.. no contact. Can be challenging, yes! But. believe you've got the strength.

You NEED to get your self respect back.

 

Wrong to even go there with him as a Fwb.

 

I understand.. and I'm sure you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by that experience?

With my ex- it was like I was pulled into his whirlwind of a life, which was overwhelming to me, I realized and it set off triggers of my own anxiety I had and depression. Down I went- again

 

Now.. it's time you fight harder than ever.. to stay away and work on your healing.. for your own good!

These kinds of people are 'toxic'... Remember that word.

 

You may have some 'loving' feelings for him.. BUT you need to understand, he is a user. he doesn't 'love'.

Sorry you got caught up in his damaging life

 

Not sure how long you two were together.. or how old this dude is?

Keep fighting yourself away from him.. now!.. No more.

 

Okay, I will. It's incredibly hard, but I will. My self respect is non-existent because of him and I need it back desperately, at least a thread of it. I have to learn to love me more than I love him and that is not going to be easy.

 

Yes, you're right. I shouldn't have even became FWBs with him. There was a lot behind that even happening but either way, it was a mistake.

 

We were off-and-on for 4 months. We're 22 years old.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry, but after on/off dating 4 mos, it's not "because of him". It's the other way around. Because of low self esteem you allowed this situation to persist.

My self respect is non-existent because of him

[tina-rocks]

Lovelorn! Please read back through the posts you have recieved. Read them carefully. They are good advice. Please also look at wise man's posts, in response to yours.

 

At the end of the day, only you can decide what you do or don't do and I know it's hard, just feel reading your posts, in response is more like going through the motions, rather than being committed to do it. No contact is not easy, we all know it isn't, but it is for the sake of your sanity. Give yourself some credit, stop making excuses for not doing it, take charge and own it and say. I am a strong person. I can do this and I will.

 

Christina

[DancingFool]

Okay, I will. It's incredibly hard, but I will. My self respect is non-existent because of him and I need it back desperately, at least a thread of it. I have to learn to love me more than I love him and that is not going to be easy.

 

Yes, you're right. I shouldn't have even became FWBs with him. There was a lot behind that even happening but either way, it was a mistake.

 

We were off-and-on for 4 months. We're 22 years old.

 

Then block him and that's your self respect returning.

 

Also, get out of rom com fantasy world and come back to reality. Your life is not a rom com where a totally damaged jack off suddenly sees the light and through the power of your love fixes himself and you two ride off into the sunset together. In real life, you effing around and wasting your precious time on damaged toxic garbage of an excuse of a guy.....results in pain, STD's, mental damage to yourself, and worst of all you actually missing out on all the good things in life you crave.

 

When you get involved with toxic trash, you are trading in little glimpses of good for a lot of bad, hoping and hoping that the good will somehow become consistent except that it never ever does. You can have good all the time, but never ever with toxic trash. When you come across toxic trash, put on your hazmat suit and take them out to the dump. That's the only way to deal with them.

[Lovelorn22]

I'm ashamed to say that I responded to one of his texts last night. I just started feeling so guilty, remembering how I was the only one there for him and how he's suicidal. He was extremely surprised that I didn't block him and then went on and on about how he can't stop thinking about me and wants nothing more than to be with me. I asked him if he's seen anyone and he passionately said "I can't even think of other girls much less meet up with them. I'm not how I used to be, I told you I changed so much for you." It's been a month since he slept with someone else. That doesn't mean I don't remember the fact that he did. Yes, we were broken up but he knows how wrong it was. He asked me I've seen anyone... i lied and said I did. He went on and on "how could you hurt me like this?" I didn't respond.

[DancingFool]

Well, seems to me that you are actually enjoying the drama and the game playing, so good luck to you.