Dating a guy that has cancer

[coolgirl]

So here is a backstory on how things started between us. During the first day we started talking he tells me on how he tells me how he would like to find some one to hold and hug and someone who he can connect with emotionally, physically, and all the good stuff. I said yea I would like that too someday. He has stage 3 lung cancer. He kissed me once before on our first date but then he has a hard time breathing. So he's not in the best condition either. So I am trying hard not to take it hard either. But it's killing me inside not being able to kiss him or hug him or not being able to touch him. He's all messed up in the head and I'm trying to be there just as only as a friend and nothing more have gone out of my way to help hm out because he has no here. He's a really great guy. So wonderful to me. Makes me laugh. He tells me for me not to get attached to him. Which I'm fine with I don't want too. Because I don't want to get to close. I"m having fun hanging out with him and being around him. And that's what I want to enjoy. The more time I spend with him the more the more closer I get to him. And I don't want that right now to get to close to him. Were spending so much time together. Were practically together everyday. Which leaves me no breathing room. We don't have problems communicating. So were good on that part. I'm helping him as far as running his errands with him, because he barley speaks English. He's only in the state for 5 years. And I don't want to loose that opportunity if he ends up being that one. We tell each other we love each other but yet he does not want us to get attached. At the same time I want to be with him and see where it goes and not get too invested if I ever decide I want to get married I don't want it to be for the wrong reason where he gets his green card through me and takes off. It has happened to my friend before. And I don't want to go through that process of getting hurt all over again and if he ends up gong back to his home country. The not knowing is what's really getting to me. I don't want it to get to a point where it be hard for both of us to let go of if he ever decides to go back and he can't have any stress in his life due to his condition. He's going have to have another surgery. And I don't know to what point I can handle this. I'm not going to leave his side and leave him alone and let him be on his own not unless he wants me too. But yet I do have my concerns. I guess I'm asking for is advice. Thanks to anyone who's reading and responding !

[Hollyj]

How do you communicate if he doesn't speak English? You haven't even known this guy for a month and he tells you he loves you? You're talking about marriage?

 

This has bad written all over it. i think you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain.

[coolgirl]

We communicate with another language. Both of us are Persian so we speak Farsi. So yes I will be helping him in every way possible in teaching him English and be there for him through out his tough time. He knows a little but not too much. Yea, I know how it sounds he hasn't dated in a long time. And when we got introduced he got really I mean really overjoyed and overly excited. And I tried to calm him down on the first date. LOL That's he's been out on a date after a long time. I said one day I want to get married but not now. Because I still have my reservations about marriage. This is why I'm holding off to get to know him better. Like I said he's only in the states for medical reason. He could go back any day if he decided too. I really do like him and enjoy his company I just don't want it to get to a point where if he ever decides to go back that it be hard for both of us to let go off. And with the way were spending time together which is practically everyday is making it harder too. I do like him very much i enjoy his company, when we get together we have a lot of fun. I literally don't want to overly attach myself because he could go back anytime.

 

 

 

How do you communicate if he doesn't speak English? You haven't even known this guy for a month and he tells you he loves you? You're talking about marriage?

 

This has bad written all over it. i think you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain.

[Hollyj]

How much is he capable of with his cancer? What treatment is he getting?

[Wiseman2]

Is he afraid that his prognosis is poor and doesn't want to hurt you. Have you gone to doctors/hospitals with him?

He has stage 3 lung cancer.We tell each other we love each other but yet he does not want us to get attached. At the same time I want to be with him and see where it goes and not get too invested if I ever decide I want to get married I don't want it to be for the wrong reason where he gets his green card through me and takes off.

[faraday]

Is he afraid that his prognosis is poor and doesn't want to hurt you. Have you gone to doctors/hospitals with him?

 

This.

 

My mom has lung cancer and in later stages (stages 3 and 4) the likelihood of survival is very low...like less than a 10% chance of making it to 5 years after diagnosis Lung cancer is the most fatal out of all the cancers...it's a very unpleasant death.

 

Coolgirl, I'm sorry your friend has this...it's hard not to invest...but do try to protect yourself.

[coolgirl]

In some way yes. And im afraid hes going to relapse. As he could any moment. No, I have not gone to the doctor with him yet. And he has to go because he has to have another surgery. In some way i have too because he trusts me enough and has really opened up to me about everything. And now im involved in his life in every aspect in every way possible. I wish I knew before hand before his friend even introduced us in what I'm getting myself involved with. I had the right to know. And now that I have feelings for the guy and love him and to see him go through this is difficult enough. I can't kiss him, i cant hold him or hug him, he's sensitive towards everything. I didn't sign up for this. I asked him if his friend knew about his condition before he introduced us he said he knew.

 

Is he afraid that his prognosis is poor and doesn't want to hurt you. Have you gone to doctors/hospitals with him?

[IAmFCA]

OP, I dated someone who had cancer, who succumbed to it, sadly. It was pancreatic cancer - 5% survival rate. I don't mean to suggest that outcome, of course, but just so you know where I am coming from.

 

We had known each other for years. I could not leave him, I loved him, and he loved me. I had figured out that he was not my forever bf around the time he was trying to get his early symptoms diagnosed. I knew it was cancer. I do not know why. Was there a sort of cancer pheromone? I don't know. I knew, before anyone told him anything. And I could not leave, even before he knew his diagnosis, I knew I would be leaving him in his last years. I decided to give them to him. It was the right decision to make. That said, I needed therapy and didn't get it. I had no idea how deeply I felt his loss, what else it represented to me, how destabilizing it was. I didn't know any of that until I came here.

 

From my experience, I will tell you: cut your attachment now, or commit 100%. You mention other concerns that would be relevant even without the cancer. The fact that his home is elsewhere, and is somewhere you do not want to live. The fact that you were introduced without being given all of the facts, which was a way of using you, was it not? Putting you in position to be this man's source of comfort, without regard to the impact on you, or to what he could offer in return?

 

You need to follow your instincts and do what feels right. You will respect yourself for that. Make a choice and go with it 100%. Fundamentally, he should not have entered into a relationship with you knowing his inability to fully participate in it. If I were you, this would undermine my ability to trust and respect both him and the friend who made the introduction.

 

If you choose to stay involved, get a professional if you do not have one, a mental health professional who can get to know you now and walk with you through this experience. It is odd to have a best friend / boyfriend going through something this challenging. As his primary support system, you will be impacted. Yet there are no social or legal structures that exist to support you, as there would be if you were family/spouse. There isn't family leave, there isn't a ritual of friends cooking for you to help you, etc. You will have to create a support system for you, and be explicit with your friends about it, and I suggest you do.

 

Finally, your association with this person is so new that you can't rely on him being there for you, if and when he gets better. Please consider that fully when you make your decision. You were not put on this earth to sacrifice your health and happiness for someone else.

[Wiseman2]

Be a friend to him. You don't need to start thinking about marriage and green cards just because he needs a friend right now.

I wish I knew before hand before his friend even introduced us in what I'm getting myself involved with.

[coolgirl]

i get that Wiseman. I really do. And I don't mind being his friend. My main concern is I don't want to be involved in his life too much either. I feel like I'm too much involved already because he shares everything with me and trusts me. And now I'm not going to leave this man hanging to be on his own and struggle on his own. That's not me to do such a thing like this. I've only known him for a week so this is all brand new to me too. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for someone else problems to be my problem either. I do like the guy, I do have feelings for him and we do have a strong bond on so many level. It's not like I want to walk down the aisle with him tomorrow. On our first date he's like do you want to be my girlfriend. I'm like uh, I don't even know you well enough. Next day he's like let's just be friends, and the next day he's like I don't want you to get to attached because I don't even know where I stand at the moment. The the next day I love you. He is messed up ! I get he's been hurt before but I'm a cautious person myself not to fall for this easily anymore due to the horrible experiences I had in the past. I don't know what he wants and yet he's struggling with this at the same time. So please tell me how do I not let if effect me either ?

 

 

 

 

Be a friend to him. You don't need to start thinking about marriage and green cards just because he needs a friend right now.

[Hollyj]

You have only known him for a week, and you're this involved! That makes no sense!

 

You love each other? He is a stranger.

[coolgirl]

It's not like I asked for it. Did I ask for getting introduced to him without not knowing about his diagnosis. No, I didnt. Did I ask for getting too involved in his life, no I didnt. His friend failed to disclose that information and now suddenly I'm the bad one here. Yes, as a matter of fact I do like him and very much have strong feelings for him. What's wrong with loving a friend. So don't go bashing on me for something I didn't know to start with. This is new for me too so imagine the hard time I'm going through right now. So put your self in my place ! I only came here for support.

 

 

You have only known him for a week, and you're this involved! That makes no sense!

 

You love each other? He is a stranger.

[faraday]

It's not like I asked for it. Did I ask for getting introduced to him without not knowing about his diagnosis. No, I didnt. Did I ask for getting too involved in his life, no I didnt. His friend failed to disclose that information and now suddenly I'm the bad one here. Yes, as a matter of fact I do like him and very much have strong feelings for him. What's wrong with loving a friend. So don't go bashing on me for something I didn't know to start with. This is new for me too so imagine the hard time I'm going through right now. So put your self in my place ! I only came here for support.

 

I think it's more like...you can't know someone that quickly...so how can you love them?

 

I've known my husband for 3 years...been living together for 1.5 years...and we're still learning about each other.

 

It takes time. After spending 7 days together...we still barely knew each other.

 

It's really hard hearing things that you don't want to hear...but please don't think that doesn't mean people aren't trying to provide you with support...people on here are trying to give you the advice they'd give to a close friend...they want to protect you, they want to support you...and the best way to do that is to give you honest answers to your questions.

[gebaird]

I think he might be moving so fast because he doesn't know how much time he has left, and he's probably pretty lonely. But he also knows the potential collateral damage he is causing by beginning a new friendship or relationship. Perhaps that's the reason for all the "I love you, but don't get attached" stuff.

 

The friend may have done you a disservice by not explaining the situation before your first date, but if you decide to continue seeing this guy now that all the facts are on the table, anything that happens from here is on you. No one is putting a gun to your head and saying you have to be with him, but you seem to be facing a choice between grief and loneliness -- neither of which is particularly appealing.

 

Only you know what's best for you. No one else can live your life for you. If you feel that he was put in your path for a reason, follow that instinct. It may not make sense to others, but it only has to make sense to you. Just make sure your compassion isn't your undoing.

[coolgirl]

I understand and thank you for the clarification. I get everyone is trying to help me really am. I've had so many so many dissapointments in my life that has become difficult for me to really fall for someone easily. I'm trying to be cautious and not fall into that trap again. It was in the heat of the moment. I haven't dated in a while and he hadn't either. And never been in a situation where someone is struggling with cancer and not knowing whether there going to be around or not. I do like him very much we do have a strong bond. This is just the beginning for the both of us and don't want to invest too much time or put in so much energy into it that later on it be harder for me to let go off. Yes, if I was informed by his diagnosis I had the option to say yes or no. But I wasn't informed.

 

 

QUOTE=faraday;6742718]I think it's

more like...you can't know someone that quickly...so how can you love them?

 

I've known my husband for 3 years...been living together for 1.5 years...and we're still learning about each other.

 

It takes time. After spending 7 days together...we still barely knew each other.

 

It's really hard hearing things that you don't want to hear...but please don't think that doesn't mean people aren't trying to provide you with support...people on here are trying to give you the advice they'd give to a close friend...they want to protect you, they want to support you...and the best way to do that is to give you honest answers to your questions.

[Hollyj]

"It's not like I asked for it. Did I ask for getting introduced to him without not knowing about his diagnosis. No, I didnt. Did I ask for getting too involved in his life, no I didnt.I don't understand!

 

Where does it say that you have to get involved with everyone that enters your life? YOU made a choice to jump on board with this. This guy is a stranger, and you are changing your life to accommodate him. Makes absolutely no sense!!!!! You can't be this naive!

 

I can't imagine changing my life for every person that has entered it.

[RainyCoast]

You said multiple times that while you wouldn't mind being a supportive friend, anything more doesn't quite sit well with you. And then you follow that with BUT POOR HIM and list his numerous curses as if his truly unenviable situation means you owe him sacrifice. You are guilting yourself out of cooling it down with him and that's not love. After a week this man's needs became your rule book and whenever one of your needs announces itself in a tiny voice "Cool luv, we're not comfortable", you shut them up with " suck it because poor him, we owe it to him to suffer. He is more important than you".

 

That you are capable of getting so intensely caught up in such a dynamic after a single week is alarming.

 

I hope you talk it out with a counselor. You can wish people the best and be a good person without doing the impossible for them and going against yourself. Compulsive caretaking, martyrdom, pleasing...are gurantees for self-inflicted misery.

[RainyCoast]

Doubleposted.

[Hollyj]

Rainy is spot on!!!

 

"I hope you talk it out with a counselor. You can wish people the best and be a good person without doung the impossible for them and going against yourself. Compulsive caretaking, martyrdom, pleasing...are gurantees for self-inflicted misery."

 

"I hope you talk it out with a counselor. You can wish people the best and be a good person without doung the impossible for them and going against yourself. Compulsive caretaking, martyrdom, pleasing...are gurantees for self-inflicted misery."

 

Please seek counseling!

[musicman777]

I don't know your situation personally or how involved this really is. But what I think and what I can assume based off everything you have posted in this threat, I think you should exit this guy's life. let me say; I feel absolutely terrible and sorry for him that he has to face death so soon. It's just so sad, this guy doesn't have a shot at creating a life with someone or anything really because cancer is taking his life away.

 

That being said, you don't owe anyone your life or time, as one of the other people here said. Your life is your life; you don't have to literally waste it on someone else, just because they are dying. You didn't give him cancer, and he knows deep down he shouldn't be getting involved with someone like you. This "relationship" with this guy, it isn't some lifelong commitment or guy you have been seriously vested in for many many years. It sounds to me like, you don't really know each other, and maybe you don't even know the full extent to how bad his cancer really is. And you're really double-talking and contradicting yourself; you say you don't want to weight him down, you say you're just a friend, you say you both said "you love each other" before, he turns you away, you turn him away, etc. This all sounds too confusing and too indecisive and ultimately just a bad decision for you to get involved with him.

 

Ultimately my advice; say your goodbyes, wish him luck, and move on. I think it would be playing with fire even to just be a friend to him, because I think you both want more deep down but you both also know it's wrong at this point. Getting involved with this guy, even as a friend, you could be facing YEARS of this dramas as he continues to get more ill and faces death. I almost lost my mother last year when she needed a dangerous stomach surgery. I can tell you right now, going through any long-term medical crisis absolutely sucks. The drama, the waiting (you mentioned surgeries, they could go on for as long as 10+ hours, trust me), the fear, ICU's, medical machines, in and out of hospitals and other medical facilities constantly until you barely have enough energy in you to climb into bed even. I wouldn't want to go through that for someone that I wasn't either deeply attached to or related to.

 

Rainy is totally correct above, that you can be a "good person without doing the impossible for them". Look; you are NOT a sick, bad, or evil person if and when you decide to walk out of his life. This man, right now he should be spending time with his family. Surely he has close relatives somewhere, people that he has known or grown up with his whole life; friends, cousins, siblings, anyone other than you who he has known his whole life. That is who he should be with and that is who should be helping him right now. Move on, find someone that isn't terminally ill and you can grow old and gray with.

[IAmFCA]

One week?

 

No. Do not be his friend. Be scarce. I sense emotional manipulation. They are drawing you in, whereas friends would look out for you.

 

You have to look out for yourself.

[RainyCoast]

cool, you probably answered this before, my eyes are not okay right now and i can't go back to read too much text efficiently atm so sorry if i'm repeating- how long have have you known the friend who introduced you?

[faraday]

I just read your other thread...and it sounds like you met your friend on fb 2 months ago...and then he introduced you to this new guy a week ago. And your friend that you met 2 months ago is dating your therapist.

 

It sounds really sketchy. Did this friend from two months ago message you first, or did you message him first? Who started the conversation?

[RainyCoast]

So this girl I don't know added me on Facebook and we started chatting. And exchanged numbers and got to talk on the phone. I thought she was a nice girl boy was I wrong. She is married is 35 year old and only been in the states for 2 years. She was texting and calling me every single day talking for hours non-stop she just seemed so needy.

 

She flat out told me before I tell my brother anything I wanted to talk to you first. She wanted to set me up with her 35 year old brother. That lives in a different country. And she's like he's not the type of person to use anyone for their citizenship. She's like just get to at least know him and see if yall click at all. She asked me look at his picture if you don't see what you like just let me know.

 

n the meantime another person added me on Facebook we started chatting seemed like a nice and decent man.

 

She told me what's his name maybe I might know him. I told her and she texted me his profile information she said is this him. I said yup. She's like stay away from him, he's not a good person he messages everyone on there. I'm like so what he may have alot of friends. She's like he texted me too when he knows I'm a married women. That's not right. Honestly she was going nuts.

 

I asked her one simple question and that was, was he your boyfriend and all hell broke loose with her. She lost it, by playing the victim card and im the enemy, that your unstable, you made my life a living hell, I will never forgive you. Your nothing but trash. That I'm a rude obnoxious person, and that I should had stay out of her personal life. She shared everything with me by her own choice, I do not give myself that right to be in anyone's business she decided to but into mines. I will take you to court by making false assumptions and accusations i swear to God and on my 3 grandparents grave I never did such thing. Shes like dont contact me dont call me. I blocked her but her voice messages come through. And she's from the same culture I am which is iranian.

 

And blocked her. She created another account again writing me a nasty message.

 

So to anyone who's reading this I don't know what's going on out there. But please be careful as to who you choose a group of friends or dating for that matter. I know i made a mistake from my part and I do take full responsibility for my actions. Do not trust anyone easily when they even say hi to you. They may look innocent from the outside but inside is a whole different story.

 

Cool. This is from january. I understand wanting to be connected to people from your culture. But you you really need to stop letting strangers get this comfortable with you in minutes. Get this gang of users off your back. This is starting to sound dangerous.

[IAmFCA]

We have a "friend" who is an acquaintance who sourced a woman on fb. Woman needs a purpose in her life, and has a hole inside where a sense of home/security ought to be. Fb "friend" observes how much woman is missing a sense of home and rightly calculates that this makes her vulnerable to serving others. "Friend" sources said woman to serve the needs of his friend. Now, woman trades her own comfort and plans for a future to be a source of comfort for a man with a likelihood of a terminal health condition. What does woman get out of it? A sense of purpose. A fake sense of home through cultural affinity. What does she REALLY get out of it? Disillusionment. Discovery that said FB friend isn't her friend at all. Discovery that nobody else can fill that hole inside, only she can do that.

 

OP, it is time to take control. Decide with whom you want to connect and reject all others. Have faith in your path and people will join you on it.

 

What you are doing now is following anyone who leads you onto THEIR path, and that creates chaos for you.

 

It is time for you to do you.