The hardest thing I've ever had to do

[greta96]

I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for here, maybe some words of encouragement or vibes of strength or something...I don't really know what would help. But here it is:

For the past 10 years or so, I have been completely in love with this one man. He was not good to me, in fact I highly doubt I was the only woman in his life back when we were together, some 5-6 years ago. Despite all this, we always had a rare mental connection which made it impossible for me to let go. One of those things that you can't understand until you live it. After he broke up with me, I tried having other relationships, but I was never really into them. Then I entered a companionship-like relationship, an open one if you will, where there is nothing physical going on, we have agreed that he can see and be intimate with whomever he wants, as long as the friendship/companionship are there. I just knew I'd never meet anyone else I would be interested in.

 

I didn't see him (let's call him B) in years, until a few months ago when we somehow reconnected. He is a somewhat changed man, he apologized for all this wrong doings in the past and wanted us to rebuild some sort of relationship. The kicker is, he is in a relationship with someone else, someone who used to make advances to him back when we were together. One of those comfortable relationships that are filled with incompatibilities and with an expiry date on.

 

This may sound bad, and it probably is, but I have zero sympathy for the woman. While normally I would never entertain a guy in a relationship, after everything she put me through, all the flirting she did with him under my nose, I can honestly say I don't care about her feelings. Yes I know he's just as much to blame or even more, but she's not much better either. So I have been keeping in touch with him, gotten closer than ever, and of course my feelings are as strong as they've always been. Unfortunately, he hasn't changed that much. He has never been the one-woman only type, he is a very cold person who has trouble feeling empathy for anyone, and I guess cheating is like his second nature. I totally intended our relationship to stay platonic, sex is really not that important to me so staying platonic is something I can totally do. However, he has expressed his desire for us to become intimate...yes, while he is in his relationship. And of course, me being me...I can't do it. Not out of respect for his relationship, I couldn't care less if the woman gets hurt. But out of respect for me. I can't be second best to anyone, I love myself too much for that. Is it tempting? Oh yes... But I need to use my head not my heart.

 

Soon I will need to tell him that there will be no intimacy, and I feel like my heart is breaking because I am relatively sure I will never hear back from him. Remember, this is not just any guy, or any ex, it's the only one I want and I am capable of having feelings for. I am not ready to lose him again, or the connection we share. My life has been so much happier since he came back into it... I realize that if he is really a friend he will understand and still be around, but deep down I fear maybe he's not as serious about our friendship as I want him to be.

He likes women who respect themselves, so a part of me hopes he will respect me more and not just disappear...but I'm not holding my breath. Sometimes I feel it would be easier to just give in to the (mutual) desire and do the wrong thing for once, but would it really make me feel better? Would that make him stick around, dump the girlfriend and fall in love with me? Lol...I already know the answer to that.

 

I'm not sure when we'll have this conversation, but I'm dreading it. Nobody can help me with this, I know that. I have to help myself. But the thought of going back to the bleak, uneventful life I've been having for the past 5 years or so, with no feelings for anyone, the usual boring routine where nothing interesting ever happens and I wonder whether I still am capable of having feelings for anything, is driving me into depression. There will never be anyone else like him, and I'm not just saying this. I never connected with anyone like I did with him.

 

Thanks for listening...it's more of a vent than anything else.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey there Greta.

 

I sincerely do hope you find some peace. I don't have to tell you, (because I am sure you are aware), that sleeping with a man to keep them, is a lose-lose battle for yourself and your feelings. The "hope" of having this man in your life is what you're holding onto when you know he is really only interested in one thing. How can you love a man like this? A man that has no empathy or feelings or respect for relationships? I suppose that is for you to find out and ask yourself. As bleak as you make your life out to be, holding onto this "dream" of a man is hurting you and not allowing you to move on and feel for anyone else. I know, because I have been where you are. I do hope you see him for what he really is and mend your heart in the process.

 

Good luck, and *gentle hugs* to you.

[greta96]

Hey there Greta.

 

I sincerely do hope you find some peace. I don't have to tell you, (because I am sure you are aware), that sleeping with a man to keep them, is a lose-lose battle for yourself and your feelings. The "hope" of having this man in your life is what you're holding onto when you know he is really only interested in one thing. How can you love a man like this? A man that has no empathy or feelings or respect for relationships? I suppose that is for you to find out and ask yourself. As bleak as you make your life out to be, holding onto this "dream" of a man is hurting you and not allowing you to move on and feel for anyone else. I know, because I have been where you are. I do hope you see him for what he really is and mend your heart in the process.

 

Good luck, and *gentle hugs* to you.

 

Thank you for your kind words! I consider myself a very rational person and I have asked myself so many times over the years why would I even consider a relationship with someone like him...I haven't been able to come up with an answer that makes sense. Cheating and not being trustworthy aside, he is an amazing man, very intelligent, very well read, able to make very good conversation, and when he's nice...he's NICE. And when we get together, we click completely. We can talk just about anything, we just connect and it feels right. But the bad things...are really bad.

[UnchainedSoul]

Thank you for your kind words! I consider myself a very rational person and I have asked myself so many times over the years why would I even consider a relationship with someone like him...I haven't been able to come up with an answer that makes sense. Cheating and not being trustworthy aside, he is an amazing man, very intelligent, very well read, able to make very good conversation, and when he's nice...he's NICE. And when we get together, we click completely. We can talk just about anything, we just connect and it feels right. But the bad things...are really bad.

 

You know I have to say you speak a lot of positives, but do they outweigh the negatives? I mean it's like we look for the great things but we just gloss over the fact that they are a terrible person because we just like them THAT much and like them in our lives. I am guilty of this too. I ran around with a man for 5 years desperately in love, everything he did was GREAT but he was just a horrible human being. I mean this is ultimately your choice. I know you are dreading the conversation, but assert yourself, you are worth more then a piece of a$$, I know you have intellectual conversations too, but if he is going to bail because you won't give him sex, what will you really be losing?

[Clio]

You need to take him off that pedestal in your heart. Let go of the hope of there ever being a better future. Your brain knows this but your heart keeps deflecting the truth, focusing on his gf and on his good traits. At the end of the day though, he only keeps you stuck. I think that at one point you WILL reach your limit and be done with him. The time wasted on him in the meantime is a shame though. I think that the answer lies with investing more energy on self-love but I know that it's not a linear type of thing. Good luck!

[Matt3939]

You are still in love with him. He's not in love with you. I think you know this. It's to the point where you have to love yourself and let this guy go. You will never find someone who will have the qualities you desire if you don't look for them. Good luck

[reinventmyself]

In order for you to tolerate the situation and stay in the game you have to direct your anger about the whole history at someone and the scape goat is her.

 

Your anger is misdirected I am afraid, or at the very least should be fairly divided between the three of you, her being the lesser of the equation.

 

Be angry at him for putting you in this situation over and over again and never doing right by you.

 

Be angry at yourself that you don't honor and care about yourself more and believe that you deserve better than left overs.

 

Yes, she chased your man once upon a time. But he's hers now and now you are the other woman.

 

You might have a little empathy for her and her situation seeing you've been in her shoes. He's the common denominator here.

 

If you were to feel the anger towards him for all that he's done you might actually have to do something about it.

But deflecting it all on her keeps you stuck.

 

How much of your life are you willing to give up over something that never seems to come to fruition?

 

I don't mean to harsh but I hope if I were in your situation someone would shake some sense into me.

 

You deserve better, Greta. It's time you start believing it.

[lostlove76]

Hi Greta. I could have written certain parts of your post myself, minus a few key details. I know how you feel. I wouldn't have any sympathy for the woman either. She's obviously not a good person. So I don't think you're wrong to feel that way. As for him... as much as it will hurt to lose him completely, it's better than having him halfway. Never allow yourself to be in the position of him choosing between you and someone else, or worse, juggling you both. You shouldn't have to compete with anyone to get a man. When I learned that my last ex had someone on the horizon, I cut him off immediately. He didn't fight for me; he ended up with her. I wasn't going to compete - if it's between me and someone else, then he can go be with that someone else. It hurt like hell, and still hurts to this day. He's now on his fourth woman since her, I believe, all within an 8 month period. If he doesn't choose YOU and ONLY YOU then he is not worthy of having any part of you.

[greta96]

If he doesn't choose YOU and ONLY YOU then he is not worthy of having any part of you.

 

Absolutely... the worst part is that even if, by some twist of fate, he ended up wanting us back together, I would never trust him because now I saw with my own eyes that he cheats even in long term, 'exclusive' relationships. My brain knows it all, it's just my heart that has trouble catching up and I can't seem to get out of this feeling that I'm suffocating. I may not even have to say anything, after the last time I saw him, when sex didn't happen and he saw my hesitation, I haven't heard from him, which makes me wonder if all the displays of friendship and affection for the past few months were in fact meant to get me in bed. That would hurt massively, because I did start thinking of him as one of my closest friends and opened up to him more than ever. Until very recently I really believed what he wanted was just platonic friendship from me. I hope I'm wrong, but unfortunately I can't put anything past him.

[Clio]

I can't seem to get out of this feeling that I'm suffocating.

 

which makes me wonder if all the displays of friendship and affection for the past few months were in fact meant to get me in bed...

 

That feeling of suffocation is your cue to exit. It is another sign of major incompatibility. What you need to accept is that you two are incompatible and all the amount of analysis and wondering will not change that. You already know the end result. No amount of analysis and wondering will change that, therefore it is a pointless waste of energy as it changes nothing. Finding out the why's of his behavior changes nothing at the end of the day.

 

Your REAL problem lies within what you have written below:

 

But the thought of going back to the bleak, uneventful life I've been having for the past 5 years or so, with no feelings for anyone, the usual boring routine where nothing interesting ever happens and I wonder whether I still am capable of having feelings for anything, is driving me into depression.

 

You are unhappy with your life and you are using him as a DIVERSION / ESCAPE. Like others use alcohol or painkillers or junk food or watching soap operas to escape their mundane reality. If you could divert all that energy into getting out of the rut you are in and fixing whatever keeps you stuck in this uneventful life, a lot of good things could happen. You say that "There will never be anyone else like him" but that's a blatant cognitive distortion . Not even him is "like him". The person you have in your mind from the past never actually existed. It was just you not knowing the "whole him" at the time. He was never the person you thought.

 

You do have to help yourself. My experience with this is that you need to view your preoccupation with him as a harmful addiction. That means cutting him out of your life no matter what. No friendship, no nothing. You need to realize that preoccupation with him in any capacity is toxic and not to be underestimated as a harmless escape/pain alleviation.

[greta96]

That means cutting him out of your life no matter what. No friendship, no nothing. You need to realize that preoccupation with him in any capacity is toxic and not to be underestimated as a harmless escape/pain alleviation.

 

The sad thing is that due to circumstances I can't control, complete no contact is not possible. I will still have to see him regularly, even if we don't talk. Not seeing him would help me tremendously, it's the only thing that helped me in the past, but now we have to see each other out and about again whether I like it or not, and there is not one thing I can do about it.

I know what you're saying, he is really not a good guy, or someone anyone would be happy with, including myself. He really is like a bad drug for me, one that I was never able to get out of my system no matter how hard I tried. In fact, I'd rather be addicted to a real drug than to this, as it's really taking a toll on me and I'm not sure how to fight it.

[fabact]

He sounds like a narcisit to boot. Better to run away not walk. Otherwise he will keep you chained to pain forever.. im sorry to say from experience. Move on quick to healthier men

[RainyCoast]

I'm sorry you are hurting greta.

 

But given how much you have constricted your heart because of him until everything became bleak...i think a final disillusionment about him will really free you. You will grieve a while, and then start investing in people and pursuits that are truly fulfilling and the depressive sheath will lift.

 

Hang in there. And have the talk.