dave_1966 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 A little while ago I met a beautiful woman, recently divorced, who after a couple of dates told me she was on the autistic spectrum and that I should be aware of this. I have accommodated this in to the dating, quite successfully I feel, and we've been getting along just fine by and large. She explained the reasons she divorced, loveless marriage with no sex, the usual. I've taken these on board, as well as I can. The thing is, I didn't realise how brutally honest people on the spectrum can be, and over the last few weeks she's painted a clear picture of a life of emotional and physical cheating on her ex husband describing nights away from home with various men she's met through different places and it's freaked me out a little. She's really sweet in so many ways, and the sex has been good. However, the other night she was telling me the things that could turn her on and suggested polyamory. I stopped her on that, and said no way, that I didn't want to pick up STDs. I consider polyamory to be a nicer way of saying s**t. She backtracked and said she was just fantasising, but so many of her stories and choice of male friends seem to show that she's already possibly been living this life and may still be doing so. I fear that her condition may limit her emotional maturity, and that I'm dealing with someone who basically thinks anything may be acceptable within a relationship. I'm going to see her shortly to discuss this, because I'm far from happy with this having explained from day 1 that I was monogamous and would have expected any exotic sexual tastes like this to have been mentioned very early. I also don't know how to word it to her in a appropriate way, dating her has been a huge learning curve because of the way you have to communicate with people on the spectrum and I don't want to give her a meltdown. I get the feeling she's going to tell me she is poly amorous, and if so I would never go near an autistic woman again because I didn't realise that the poly community has a massively high percentage of people with this condition. How would you deal with this? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I don't know if I would say the polyamory community has a high percentage of autistics. I would want to see the stats on that. Remember autistics are all individuals. My son for example HATES touch with a passion. They are very blunt ,yes. As my son says , why shouldn't I be? Why would I want to tip toe around and do stuff I don't want to do. That's ridiculous. I see his point really. Link to comment
Lovelorn2016 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Cheating is cheating. Being on the spectrum doesn't make it excusable. Don't be afraid of people on the spectrum just because of one experience. Not all people on the spectrum are like this, and actually most are very loyal and affectionate to the person they love. Most make great partners. This one just seems to be the exception. I know it's not easy to let someone like this one go, and she's probably not going to react well, but this is something you'd have to do for yourself. On the other hand if she had no regrets over how she treated her ex husband, she may not even care that you let her go. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 To be quite honest, I would leave. This isn't all about her Autistic spectrum but a matter of her not being satisfied with one man. You are right, in the sense that possibly her condition might be adding to this and be causing parts of her brain to be a bit more on the immature side of things. Though it's not necessarily so. The fact is, she very well could just be a woman who can't be monogamous and won't be satisfied being with one man. She has already admitted to cheating several times on her ex husband and no doubt this pattern is going to continue. You can speak to her about only wanting monogamy, but you can't force it, and if she is speaking about wanting polyamory, she means it. You two are incompatible. You can tell her that the polyamory is not acceptable but all that will happen is she will cheat on you and still see other men, only behind your back. This isn't fixable, this is who she is, and you're unfortunately not compatible. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 polyamory isn't a feature in the symptomatic picture of autism. however, when dealing with this level of social development delay, you can throw mutuality as you know it out the window. and while autism won't make her poly amorous, it may be a factor in how easily she disregards very clearly stated boundaries. i wouldn't deliver the news in kid gloves. i would just state it as a fact. "i'm not into this stuff. at all. no more than i was in the beginning when i specifically stated i was strictly monogamous. it appears we are fundamentally incompatible. i wish you luck with dating". Link to comment
Matt3939 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Had to look up what it means. I know for me unfortunately this would be a deal breaker. So I'd just get it out there and deal with it. Good luck Link to comment
limichelle Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 That would be like comparing everyone with my illness to Norman Bates. It has nothing to do with her autism. It's who she is as a person. I would leave since the situation bothers you but don't rule out Autistic woman because of her that is stereotyping. Lisa Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 This has nothing to do with the autism. She has told you that she has an issue with fidelity. Either you are okay with her cheating, or you are not. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Dave for crying out loud ... you are mature enough to know the difference here and not use the blame game and put this condition almost to shame and accuse all women on the spectrum as being s**** ........ Too honest ....yes ... she is breaking one big rule for me before you even get going with the Autism , and that is talking about the past ..and I agree with you that the details of her life and the desires she has are a deal breaker for most of us . I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her ..... Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 Dave for crying out loud ... you are mature enough to know the difference here and not use the blame game and put this condition almost to shame and accuse all women on the spectrum as being s**** ........ Too honest ....yes ... she is breaking one big rule for me before you even get going with the Autism , and that is talking about the past ..and I agree with you that the details of her life and the desires she has are a deal breaker for most of us . I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her ..... Pippy, did you actually read my post? I did not say that at all, and I'm actually asking a very serious question that is of real concern to me. I have feelings for this woman, and need to know whether her feelings even work. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Autistic people have tons of feelings . It is a total MYTH that they don't . Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 Autistic people have tons of feelings . It is a total MYTH that they don't . I wish to establish with this woman what her feelings are exactly. I think it's going to be on a scale, I need to know where on the scale. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Pippy, did you actually read my post? I did not say that at all, and I'm actually asking a very serious question that is of real concern to me. I have feelings for this woman, and need to know whether her feelings even work. dave. of course they have feelings. she was saying to slump polyamory in there with the clinical picture isn't valid. but i suppose because you noticed the bluntness of A's, you are wondering whether she's comfortable just oversharing what most people wouldn't, or whether it actually extends to her behaving in ways that dismiss and disregard your feelings. and yes, it does. you already have proof of her behavior being such. to be clear: you have proof of her belief that her adultery is okay, even when specifically stated as a deal-breaker. is she an adulterer because of autism? heck no. might she be feeling more justified in it due to her perception of appropriateness? yes. auties feel very much indeed, but their empathy isn't comparable to ours in it's effects, because they don't see or accept the need for mutual psychosocial exchange like others. if you are fine with most often not getting what you want and need, and very often getting that which you specifically don't want and need...you're built for them. if not, dating them isn't a good idea. likewise, if you don't want to be cheated on, you prolly don't want to date someone who cheats with surprising ease. having feelings for her early on is quite a warning if you mean feelings of such intensity that you would rationalize her crossing the line on your specifically stated deal-breaker for them. i understand the attraction, but at this point you have facts. she cheats, she doesn't give a hoot about your demand for monogamy, and she follows up on her entitled ideas with actions. agreeing to date her, is agreeing to her sleeping around, even if you specify time and again that isn't what you're willing to have. your words and boundaries and desires and demands have no power. have you any info on the legitimacy of her diagnosis? Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I wish to establish with this woman what her feelings are exactly. then you need to be asking: does a person who cheats, and who suggests polyamory after i specify it is out of the question for me a person who takes my most important feelings into account? at all? you are rationalizing her behavior as a symptom. it is not. the only question that is helpful is "am i okay with my girlfriend sleeping around", because sleep around she will. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Okay, the autie I know very well is my own child of course. They feel very intensely inside themselves and outside . They feel very intense love for people but you're not going to see dramatic shows of it. If you want kisses and hugs and rose petals and somebody who asked you how you are all the time that's not them . That doesn't mean they don't love you they show you in the way they understand . The question here is not her autism but the fact that she's polyamorous . Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 fact that she's polyamorous . do you know what else i think is her justifying her behavior? calling herself polyamorous. it isn't being a cheater, and it isn't the habit of effing people over erasing their boundary when they are obviously only interested in being sexually exclusive. i wonder what the truly polyamorous folk would have to say about the way she labels herself. it is a huge embellishment. i'm not a cheater, or a hoe, or disrespectful, i am polyamorous, therefore i get to do it. also, i am autistic (or so i say) so i milk that to excuse me doing whatever the heck i want as well. moral disengagement and entitlement at it's absolute most ridiculous. i don't get the fumbling about it. she's telling you what she does and plans on doing. call it what you will. i doubt you'll be fine with her sleeping around no matter what she calls it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 A lot of older Auties are self diagnosed. And there wasn't a lot of diagnosing many years ago especially if you were a mild autistic . My son in fact was not diagnosed until 17. If they have been successful they see no point in a professional label . His diagnosis cost $2000. So if somebody is successful in a career they don't see the point of wasting two grand for a label that's going to mean nothing at that point. Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 then you need to be asking: does a person who cheats, and who suggests polyamory after i specify it is out of the question for me a person who takes my most important feelings into account? at all? you are rationalizing her behavior as a symptom. it is not. the only question that is helpful is "am i okay with my girlfriend sleeping around", because sleep around she will. You've made some absolutely excellent points which I shall raise with her, thank you for your input. The only answer I can accept from her to move forward with the relationship is ' My marriage was loveless and sexless, I'm not proud of cheating and it would never happen again. The comment about PolyAmory was a flippant joke which I thought was sexy but clearly wasn't' Anything else would condemn me to a relationship full of utter pain, and I obviously have to exit stage right immediately. Not looking forward to this, I'll be honest. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 ' My marriage was loveless and sexless, I'm not proud of cheating and it would never happen again. The comment about PolyAmory was a flippant joke which I thought was sexy but clearly wasn't' aargh, that's perfect wording, why do i have to make ten posts to get a simple point accross! yes, see how the convo unfolds, and keep us posted! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I wish to establish with this woman what her feelings are exactly. I think it's going to be on a scale, I need to know where on the scale. Who cares! You can't trust her! Link to comment
Chloee1988 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 A little while ago I met a beautiful woman, recently divorced, who after a couple of dates told me she was on the autistic spectrum and that I should be aware of this. I have accommodated this in to the dating, quite successfully I feel, and we've been getting along just fine by and large. She explained the reasons she divorced, loveless marriage with no sex, the usual. I've taken these on board, as well as I can. The thing is, I didn't realise how brutally honest people on the spectrum can be, and over the last few weeks she's painted a clear picture of a life of emotional and physical cheating on her ex husband describing nights away from home with various men she's met through different places and it's freaked me out a little. She's really sweet in so many ways, and the sex has been good. However, the other night she was telling me the things that could turn her on and suggested polyamory. I stopped her on that, and said no way, that I didn't want to pick up STDs. I consider polyamory to be a nicer way of saying s**t. She backtracked and said she was just fantasising, but so many of her stories and choice of male friends seem to show that she's already possibly been living this life and may still be doing so. I fear that her condition may limit her emotional maturity, and that I'm dealing with someone who basically thinks anything may be acceptable within a relationship. I'm going to see her shortly to discuss this, because I'm far from happy with this having explained from day 1 that I was monogamous and would have expected any exotic sexual tastes like this to have been mentioned very early. I also don't know how to word it to her in a appropriate way, dating her has been a huge learning curve because of the way you have to communicate with people on the spectrum and I don't want to give her a meltdown. I get the feeling she's going to tell me she is poly amorous, and if so I would never go near an autistic woman again because I didn't realise that the poly community has a massively high percentage of people with this condition. How would you deal with this? Once a cheater, always a cheater. Even if she was in a "loveless and sexless marriage", who's to say she won't falter again the next time she's faced with conflict; clearly it's within her nature to act in such a way. I don't think autism justifies cheating (in any context), but it would certainly justify her lack of empathy or lack in understanding your needs and wants. Being autistic may present a big challenge that you really need to be aware of. It's been biologically proven that autistic people just don't share the same understanding and empathy that non-autistic people would. You need to decide whether or not you're willing to navigate such a situation. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 It is a MYTH that autistic people don't have empathy. That is 1980's stuff. If you read current information they clearly do. I can tell you my son is empathetic. They display it differently. Just because WE don't recognize it as empathy doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 auties feel very much indeed, but their empathy isn't comparable to ours in it's effects, because they don't see or accept the need for mutual psychosocial exchange like others. As a woman on the spectrum, i don't appreciate "they" statements. I have a lot of empathy. I have a need for one on one emotional exchanges with my significant other in a give and take. I am concerned for his well being. Its expressing empathy - not feeling it - that can be a problem. I express a lot of understanding and empathy with my guy, with pets, with a close friend. but with strangers i am different. For me its better to not say anything than stumble and say something awkward about someone's loss. I have learned to say certain things but i am not good at saying the right thing in the moment. I will say one other thing - she is an oversharer. But she could also be trying to impress you and blowing her experiences way out of proportion to possibly to express to you that she is sexual and has desires. Part of it could be autism, but part of it could also be her natural personality. I had zero experience with men and remember when I met my ex, i think i exaggerrated a little to sound like i fit in and was more daring than i actually had been. Also, just because she has male friends does not mean she is poly. I talk about people in a conversation sometimes and you would think the way i talk about them that i really am close with them and know them well - my parents thought i had all these friends in school but what i was really reporting was conversations in class. I don't really do that much anymore - it was more of a teen thing. I think i would be less worried about polyamory and more worried about the emotional affair. She could be being brutally honest about her divorce in a way you don't need to know right now. I practiced a lot to decide how to summarize why i was divorced. She just doesn't have the finesse for that or you are the first guy she has told about it. Before i met my guy, believe me, when people asked about my divorce, i gave them instead of a sentence or two that reflected the actual situation and my reflection on it, a blow by blow essay. I had learned, having repeated it to a variety women i had met, to finesse an edited version so that i was not all about my divorce. It's been biologically proven that autistic people just don't share the same understanding and empathy that non-autistic people would. Like hell it does. I feel VERY deeply. Also, most "studies" were done using boys. MANY girls slipped under the radar unless they were profoundly autistic and because autism in girls presents very differently than it does in boys and men. If you have met one autistic person...congratulations...you have met ONE. I may feel someone is crying over spilled milk sometimes because i see a way out of their problem intellectually and that their woe is over something trivial, but believe me, there are many times when things hit a raw nerve, and i feel VERY DEEPLY for someone going through things Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 A little while ago I met a beautiful woman, recently divorced, who after a couple of dates told me she was on the autistic spectrum and that I should be aware of this. I have accommodated this in to the dating, quite successfully I feel, and we've been getting along just fine by and large. She explained the reasons she divorced, loveless marriage with no sex, the usual. I've taken these on board, as well as I can. The thing is, I didn't realise how brutally honest people on the spectrum can be, and over the last few weeks she's painted a clear picture of a life of emotional and physical cheating on her ex husband describing nights away from home with various men she's met through different places and it's freaked me out a little. She's really sweet in so many ways, and the sex has been good. However, the other night she was telling me the things that could turn her on and suggested polyamory. I stopped her on that, and said no way, that I didn't want to pick up STDs. I consider polyamory to be a nicer way of saying s**t. She backtracked and said she was just fantasising, but so many of her stories and choice of male friends seem to show that she's already possibly been living this life and may still be doing so. I fear that her condition may limit her emotional maturity, and that I'm dealing with someone who basically thinks anything may be acceptable within a relationship. I'm going to see her shortly to discuss this, because I'm far from happy with this having explained from day 1 that I was monogamous and would have expected any exotic sexual tastes like this to have been mentioned very early. I also don't know how to word it to her in a appropriate way, dating her has been a huge learning curve because of the way you have to communicate with people on the spectrum and I don't want to give her a meltdown. I get the feeling she's going to tell me she is poly amorous, and if so I would never go near an autistic woman again because I didn't realise that the poly community has a massively high percentage of people with this condition. How would you deal with this? Here's how you word it. 1) Ask if he's seeing anyone else besides you. And if she isn't, tell her that you are only interested in seeing one woman. Her talk of polyamory makes you feel like she does not want the same thing. 2) don't sleep with her. If you don't like her sexual style about things, then sleeping with her is affirming her that you are in approval. you have moved too fast already. 3) Again, be honest, share your concern about her divorce. Maybe its just not been long enough for her to date. Be clear that you are not looking for the same things and maybe its best to find someone who is. ANd stick with it. Look for someone else. 4) Give her the benefit of the doubt. People on the spectrum don't have meltdowns because they hear the word "no". A meltdown is NOT a tantrum. Not all autistic people have meltdowns! And it has to do with over stimulation, not being told "no" or being dumped. fear that her condition may limit her emotional maturity, and that I'm dealing with someone who basically thinks anything may be acceptable within a relationship. I am emotional mature. I am fiercely monogamous. EVERY person is different. Boundaries and emotional maturity are two different things. And emotional maturity and social maturity are different, too. Also, the less emotionally mature and confident i was, the less likely i was to be in a relationship when i was younger. I was a very late bloomer. She is either a big talker or has crappy boundaries - but its not indicative of autism. Treat her like any other woman you would date that you are not compatible with. Exactly the same. Link to comment
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