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Emotional Damage from history of toxic/abusive relationships -seeking insight!


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Good morning, I am just now active on this site after a few years of being away. Need insight and encouragement with another romantic situation I've involved in.

 

My estranged girlfriend who pushed me away 2 months ago....no closure, we've been in sporadic communication since, all positive, no drama or anything "bad" ever happened between us, she always treated me like the love her life, told me how good I was to her...etc..the entire time we dated. She's had several "bad"'s in her past. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, beaten down, talked to down to...all the typical things dbag guys do to treat women that will wreck their self esteem she's had done to her. In me, she had NONE of that kind of stuff. I heard some of her stores, but not all of them.

 

Just learned that she has reconnected with her ex boyfriend since she has pushed me away. This is a guy who is an abuser and has put her through all kinds of torment. Prior to them breaking up finally last Spring, he has phyically harmed her, had her arrested, and had done things like vandalized her property and broken into her house. He tormented her enough for her, and some family/friends of hers to go to court and get a 2 year restraining order placed against him. She always said she was so glad she finally broke from him, and remarked how much she was looking forward to changing her life for the better and ..making better choices. (of which I was one of those choices)

 

So she pushed me, the GOOD guy, away.... the man who treats her like gold, respects her, and who she knows would never harm her and would probably hardly raise my voice to her, yet alone lay a hand on her. Now she has had fresh contact with loser ex, the bad guy, who she's not supposed to have any contact with whatsoever.

 

Please enlighten me on what is in the mind of a woman like this? How can anyone who has been treated repeatedly like dirt by a guy, open the door to that guy again? Especially after the whole restraining order thing, and all the torment he put her through? A week ago she texted ME to give her a ride to the hospital ER to get her hand looked at. I wasn't available to do so, and I thought it strange that she tried to tap me for that task - reason for ER trip was that she punched a guy (99% sure it is ex guy) in the mouth because he would'nt let her out of his car and grabbed her...so she socked him the mouth and knocked out two of his teeth. Again, history of violence with this guy.

 

So I'm looking on insight from women who have been in this situation and who have maybe pushed away a good man, then ended up re-entering the "cycle of abuse".

How can I move forward with this? What can I do to reach out? How should I handle her?

I never once doubted her feelings for me. In fact, knew she was scared of her feelings for me, and realize that based on her low self esteem, insecurity, and history of abusive past relationships I was probably going to have to face the prospect her running away - not from dissatisfaction with me, but due to her own emotional damage and feelings of anxietey.

 

Anyone? Help?

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What is in the mind of a woman like that is that they are so emotionally unhealthy themselves that they are not able to form stable, normal relationships. Not until they've had a good long stint of therapy, had no romantic relationships for a good solid year or more while they take the time to sort out their issues, and then and gotten their own life on the right track.

 

I'm sorry, but this is what you fail to understand. Love alone will not make a person sane, love alone with not make a person choose good over bad, because the issue isn't you or how or what you did or didn't do. It's that she needs to realize on her own that she needs to walk away and then she needs to spend a good solid amount of time just getting her own act together, learning what emotionally healthy and sane and balanced relationships are. And then and only then deciding maybe she deserves better.

 

Right now I'd say she's hooked on this guy like a drug, and like all addictions she'll run back every chance she gets. Until the day she and she alone decides she's out and doesn't need or want anyone else to be the one responsible for her happiness but her.

 

It's time to block, delete, go NC and the next time you meet a girl make sure they have been out of all relationships for a good solid six months and if they start to complain about how bad the other guy treated them, make sure to ask them what they did for themselves to get free of that and how long ago did this happen? IF they say it was under a year and that their entire idea of handling it was, "Well, we broke up" then run, don't walk, for the door.

 

From someone who once counseled abuse victims and was herself in an abusive relationship once. There is no sanity in those on both sides of the fence. She will need to be the one to decide to walk away and to stand on her own two feet, not lean on anyone else or expect someone else to make things better. This is entirely on her to fix, it doesn't matter how good someone treats her or doesn't, she would rather have this guy who is abusive. And yeah, it sucks but it is what it is.

 

The same applies to men who stay in abusive relationships BTW, the whole abusive relationship dynamic is not gender specific.

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I had a female friend who was in an abusive relationship for many years. When she met a new guy who treated her with basic human decency, it only confused her. She was worried he was just being nice to her because he "wanted something" from her or that there was some ulterior motive behind his kindness. In her mind, his behavior couldn't possibly be explained by the fact that he was in love with her. There had to be something more. She grew up in a world of conditional "love," where every favor would eventually be called in and every kindness would someday have to be repaid. When she took this mindset into a healthy relationship, she couldn't help feeling that she owed a huge emotional debt to her boyfriend, because she couldn't possibly repay all the good things he gave her. This overwhelming feeling of "owing" eventually caused her to break up with him.

 

Self-esteem issues that run this deep don't end easily. It's possible that your kindness, while heartfelt and genuine, is what drove her away. Maybe she went back to her ex because she knew he would treat her the way she felt she "deserved" to be treated.

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Please take care of yourself - no contact with her again. Don't answer her calls - don't be a white knight.

 

She is not here - you are - it could be as simple as not being over her ex or it could be more complex and people do get scared sometimes when things are good, but it doesn't matter. What matters is you - you talk about how "damaged" she was. What attracted you to her? What inside you did not watch cautiously, and decide that if someone has a laundry list of abuse, etc, have they been out of a relationship long enough to truly be ready for another one? Its not about judging another person - but protecting yourself. If she had not had a history of abuse - would you get into a relationship who just left someone else.

 

I was in an abusive marriage which I thankfully am no longer in. It took a lot of personal work (counseling, support groups, a short stint on anxiety meds to be able to walk out the door to actually go to these things initially) and it took a lot of personal assessment to know if I was ready for another relationship or even to go to coffee or lunch. I did other things of personal enrichment and was not eager to look for another relationship right away and for a time even avoided situations where I might meet unattached men. I even wore my wedding ring for a little while after the divorce as a security blanket.

 

Your job is not to understand this to the point of wanting to rescue or fix her, but to learn enough to say "oh, well, the breakup was not 100% my fault" and to move forward - to heal - and to seek out less "complicated" women. If they have experienced abuse, it is not something that is in the immediate past and they have gotten to a certain point of healing to be able to be in a relationship.

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It doesnt matter male or female. She isn't over this guy. So she can't be 100% into you. Don't be second. She has to wake up for herself doesn't sound like she is ready to do so yet

 

I'm not looking to be "second". I know exactly what you are saying, and I understand it. Just trying to understand some of the reasons for her actions and get my head around why she acts like she does. I'm way past the initial break up stage, and not obsessed with trying to "get her back". I still love her and care about her very much of course, but I'm under no illusions about her and reconnecting as a couple any time soon. Maybe at some point I can see that happening, but it's ON HER, as another poster said.

In a strange way, this recent incident of violence with this POS ex loser guy, and her subsequent wanting ME to drive her the the ER the morning after it happened, makes me feel much better about the whole situation. Because it validates much of what I had expected about her. Her running away from me had very little to do with any dissatisfaction with me as a person, a boyfriend, or even as a friend-friend (as we were before we started dating) and everything to do with her own issues, and I can't control that.

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I'm not looking to be "second". I know exactly what you are saying, and I understand it. Just trying to understand some of the reasons for her actions and get my head around why she acts like she does. I'm way past the initial break up stage, and not obsessed with trying to "get her back". I still love her and care about her very much of course, but I'm under no illusions about her and reconnecting as a couple any time soon. Maybe at some point I can see that happening, but it's ON HER, as another poster said.

In a strange way, this recent incident of violence with this POS ex loser guy, and her subsequent wanting ME to drive her the the ER the morning after it happened, makes me feel much better about the whole situation. Because it validates much of what I had expected about her. Her running away from me had very little to do with any dissatisfaction with me as a person, a boyfriend, or even as a friend-friend (as we were before we started dating) and everything to do with her own issues, and I can't control that.

 

In the future, ask her to call an ambulance, her mother, the police, etc - do not be there for her to lean on at all - because she'll continue to see someone else while you bail her out. She needs to be on her own. Hard for me to say that as an abuse survivor, but you need to untangle yourself completely - reaching out to another woman or authorities is what she needs to do.

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Like gebaird said she might just not think she deserved better. When I first met my ex she said how could anyone not like this? She always would ask me what my addiction was there had to be something. (For over 3 years )Well eventually she made up some for me. It's really sad but some people r broken. I understand being fearful and all of that but sometimes they want to be treated how they feel.

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In the future, ask her to call an ambulance, her mother, the police, etc - do not be there for her to lean on at all - because she'll continue to see someone else while you bail her out. She needs to be on her own. Hard for me to say that as an abuse survivor, but you need to untangle yourself completely - reaching out to another woman or authorities is what she needs to do.

 

She hasn't tried to "lean on me", or use me in any way. When she pushed me away, I took a giant step back. We've each made tentative steps towards each other at different times since, but I haven't pushed anything. Just thought it was odd that she reached out to me after the incident and wondered what she was thinking? It wasn't because she didn't have any other options for a ride to get her hand looked at. The whole story would have came out had I been logistically able to give her that ride to the ER. We talked on the phone that afteroon too - first time we have talked other than email or text since Thanksgiving. Felt like we had just talked the day before, very pleasant, no awkwardness whatsover either. You would think your former b/f that YOU broke up with would be the last person you would reach out to after you just had a violent incident with an abusive ex who you shouldn't be in contact with at all, and by law (restraining order)...right? At least that's what I would think. However, knowing how she is, and after learning about the "cycle of abuse" and other self esteem issues and how they work, it makes perfect sense that she would immediately reach out to me...because I'm the one guy she KNOWS is going to be there for her...plus, I"m sure she may have been turning to me simply to make sure that I am still available to her....so it does make sense. It's whacked, but it makes sense. And you know I'm not the kind of guy that would tell her "NO" in that situation. There has been no violating of any of the "honor code" items I see as relationship deal breakers - infidelity, dishonesty, or theft. As I said, things were always easy, no drama, roses all the way, between us the entire 7 months we dated, and she always treated me like the love of her life. There has been no negativity between us. So no way I'm going to just start being mean or standoffish with her. However, I have gone "ambivalent" on her. I disagree the "need to untangle" - really not "tangled" with her at all at this point, and NOT been mixed up in any of HER drama. I think she knows me well enough to know that I'm not the kind of guy who gets sucked into this kind of drama. lol I'm just keeping my distance and responding pleasantly when she contacts me....my guard is back up. I know so much more about her and understand so much more about this stuff than I used to. I know I can't "fix" or "save" her. It's just curious to me though how she could be so good at a healthy and normal loving relationship for months, and then choose to allow herself contact with such a loser ex, and choose to put herself back into a toxic situation. I get it. But that' doens't make it any easier to understand or accept.

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Like gebaird said she might just not think she deserved better. When I first met my ex she said how could anyone not like this? She always would ask me what my addiction was there had to be something. (For over 3 years )Well eventually she made up some for me. It's really sad but some people r broken. I understand being fearful and all of that but sometimes they want to be treated how they feel.

 

Matt, What do you mean she "made up some for me"? Addiction? You are right. Some people are broken. We can't fix them. We can't save them.

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Your job is not to understand this to the point of wanting to rescue or fix her, but to learn enough to say "oh, well, the breakup was not 100% my fault" and to move forward - to heal - and to seek out less "complicated" women. If they have experienced abuse, it is not something that is in the immediate past and they have gotten to a certain point of healing to be able to be in a relationship.

 

I know the breakup wasn't hardly my fault whatsoever. No self esteem issues, or feeling like I did something wrong, or second guessing on my part at all on this one. 100% HER and her own issues, of which I know I can't "fix". However, I sense where you are going with this, Broken...lol For the record - I do not "seek out complicated women". I know some men do. I don't. I hate the very word "complicated" in fact. I've been there, done that. With her though, she never exhibited any of the classic "red flags" or erratic behavior that is usually associated with a "crazy emotionally damaged" girl with a stack of issues. I had avoided intense relationships for several years and had very high walls. With her I very gradually lowered my walls based largely on the treatment, vibe, whatever you want to call it that was coming from HER end. And it occurred over time, not like a "rebound" situation. We have known each other for 3 years prior to dating, so that's how I knew about some of her bad relationship experiences. I never felt compelled to "rescue", "save", or "fix her". We just connected, and EVERYONE who met her, family and friends, all agreed how sweet and pleasant she is....and how into me she was. So just letting you know, I never, subconsciencly or otherwise, saw her as some kind of "project" to be worked on with me in the role of "Captain-Save-A-Ho". lol I do know that alot of guys fall into this category, but not me in this case.

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Good morning, I am just now active on this site after a few years of being away. Need insight and encouragement with another romantic situation I've involved in.

 

My estranged girlfriend who pushed me away 2 months ago....no closure, we've been in sporadic communication since, all positive, no drama or anything "bad" ever happened between us, she always treated me like the love her life, told me how good I was to her...etc..the entire time we dated. She's had several "bad"'s in her past. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, beaten down, talked to down to...all the typical things dbag guys do to treat women that will wreck their self esteem she's had done to her. In me, she had NONE of that kind of stuff. I heard some of her stores, but not all of them.

 

Just learned that she has reconnected with her ex boyfriend since she has pushed me away. This is a guy who is an abuser and has put her through all kinds of torment. Prior to them breaking up finally last Spring, he has phyically harmed her, had her arrested, and had done things like vandalized her property and broken into her house. He tormented her enough for her, and some family/friends of hers to go to court and get a 2 year restraining order placed against him. She always said she was so glad she finally broke from him, and remarked how much she was looking forward to changing her life for the better and ..making better choices. (of which I was one of those choices)

 

So she pushed me, the GOOD guy, away.... the man who treats her like gold, respects her, and who she knows would never harm her and would probably hardly raise my voice to her, yet alone lay a hand on her. Now she has had fresh contact with loser ex, the bad guy, who she's not supposed to have any contact with whatsoever.

 

Please enlighten me on what is in the mind of a woman like this? How can anyone who has been treated repeatedly like dirt by a guy, open the door to that guy again? Especially after the whole restraining order thing, and all the torment he put her through? A week ago she texted ME to give her a ride to the hospital ER to get her hand looked at. I wasn't available to do so, and I thought it strange that she tried to tap me for that task - reason for ER trip was that she punched a guy (99% sure it is ex guy) in the mouth because he would'nt let her out of his car and grabbed her...so she socked him the mouth and knocked out two of his teeth. Again, history of violence with this guy.

 

So I'm looking on insight from women who have been in this situation and who have maybe pushed away a good man, then ended up re-entering the "cycle of abuse".

How can I move forward with this? What can I do to reach out? How should I handle her?

I never once doubted her feelings for me. In fact, knew she was scared of her feelings for me, and realize that based on her low self esteem, insecurity, and history of abusive past relationships I was probably going to have to face the prospect her running away - not from dissatisfaction with me, but due to her own emotional damage and feelings of anxietey.

 

Anyone? Help?

 

I'll give you my personal experience.

 

I met my ex husband when we were both about 18 (34 now). His brother was dating my best friend so that's how I met him and his family. When I very first met him my friend was "dating" him to make his brother jealous. It didn't last long. It wasn't until about a year later we started to hang out and when I was 20 he took my virginity. He was a "player" then. He had several girlfriends at the same time. That year he took my virginity he found out he had a 2 month old son that Christmas. A week later his then gf (future first ex wife) said she was pregnant. He and I were like friends with benefits off and on but I had feelings for him. I loved him. He was my first love.

 

Eventually he broke my heart (he said to make me stay away or some crap). Well I joined the military. He married that girl while he was in prison. We didn't talk for a few years. After one of my deployments we started to talk but off and on. Then I got stationed close to home right around when he and his ex divorced. I stupidly got back with him. He went back and forth between me and her for a year. Cheated on me with a stripper during a week meth binge. First rehab trip. Got back with ex wife. She then cheated on him with her now husband. I took him back. Didn't believe her stories about how he abused her because she was trying to get him back. I naively thought I could change him because when he was sober things were good. That was few and far between in hindsight.

 

The first time he hit me was about a week after his other ex wife said he pushed her. I did file a protection order. Then after two months of the police getting nowhere because it was he said/she said, his family said he was doing better, his sister was letting him live with her and I didn't think she would let someone unstable live with her (hindsight again seeing her now husband) so I dropped the order because I was close to his family and didn't want either of us to have to leave if the other showed up. Well then I ended up having sex with him shortly after and wasn't planning a serious relationship. I thought we would have fun. I thought "well he was on meth and drunk when he hit me and he isn't doing it anymore." Then I found out I was pregnant about a month later. I told him he could leave and have no obligation or stay. He stayed.

 

Four months later in a meth withdrawal he slapped the crap out of me in the car - while I was pregnant. Black eye, busted lip. Because he wanted meth and I didn't want to but I ended up driving him because I was scared. I stayed and told no one about that time. At work they knew. I had about five people ask me from my OIC to my First Sgt to one of my soldiers. I lied to them all. They knew thought. He texts me at work "I love you Happy Birthday" (Yep day before my birthday he did it). I wanted to say "yeah it's all over my face" but I didn't.

 

Stayed and two months later I married him. I knew it wasn't the right time. I thought things would be easier if I did. It was 2 weeks before our daughter was born. (She was born a month early). Then five months later he had another meth withdrawal and strangled me and attacked me. I had a chance, ran, called the police. He got arrested. Two months in jail. I was so set on divorce and the judge set a no contact order for the case. I told my command and they made me go to FAP. I had a temp order but didn't get the final. I made the decision not to divorce him and give him another chance. We were moving closer to home and to his kids and our families. I thought that would help. Nope. I filed for divorce May 2015 because I got tired of the drugs, lies, stealing, etc. Our daughter has medical issues and he hasn't seemed to care. He went to rehab again Sept 15. I gave him another chance once he was in the halfway house because he seemed serious about sobriety, had a job, stayed out of the environment, so on. Then he got arrested for something I didn't think he did but now not so sure. I stupidly bailed him out - he relapsed that night. Brought him back for a month. He took my car. I called the cops. I said we were done. I did help him out a little in October but I haven't since then because he just uses people. Me, his other ex, his parents (he wrote $3000 worth on his dad's checks he stole).

 

Why did it take me so long? Because when you love someone you want to see the best in them. And I thought I could change him but I realized finally that only he can change himself and he doesn't want to. He ditched his kids for Christmas this year to go shoot up meth. I kept staying in the cycle because I thought I could change him and I didn't want to feel like I gave up.

 

You also have to understand that abusers are VERY good at manipulating people. I mean I've been in the Army 12 years. I have always been independent. I had a large savings he mooched half of. I told myself I'd never let a man hit me. Then I did - well not a man because men don't hit people out of anger.

 

Did another man come into the picture ever? No. I got on match a couple times before I got back and got pregnant but it never panned out. But I did date a decent guy once and I pushed him away because I wasn't over my ex and I didn't feel it was fair to him. I didn't go back to my ex then.

 

It's hard to explain unless you're in it. Abusers can manipulate. They know a person's weak points. They know how to get to that and get what they want. I'm not a psychologist but I'm not surprised if he's a sociopath or at least has a personality disorder. Do I still love him? I do. I probably always will and I hate it. But I listen to my head now and not my heart because my heart is stupid. ALSO I have our daughter to worry about and I don't have the time to care for her, me and an adult child. He put me through the wringer and I stayed. His first wife was married to him seven years (three he was in prison). So she lived with him four years and then left. I was with him four years and left. We were married not quite a year when I filed.

 

Hindsight is 20/20. I'm not sure why your ex has gone back. Only she knows. There isn't anything you can do. She has to make her own decisions to change. You're better off moving on with your life without her.

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I'll give you my personal experience.

 

 

Hindsight is 20/20. I'm not sure why your ex has gone back. Only she knows. There isn't anything you can do. She has to make her own decisions to change. You're better off moving on with your life without her.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience...WOW! is all I can say. You've been through so much. Glad you are healed and moving forward. Your ex sounds similar to my ex's abusive ex. I know all about the manipulation and the sociopathic behavior associated with these types of people. I know she is damaged. I've heard lots of her stories about former relationships. It just makes me feel sad for her. She pushed me away due to other factors and stresses, then we had pleasant and positive contact between us month of December, and it felt like she was moving back in my direction and that it would only be a matter of time before we reconnected. So I think ex-boy appeared around the New Year and they started hanging out, yet she was still texting me...just not the "missing you" type of stuff. And then the episode of her asking ME to be the one to drive her to the ER after she busted her hand up punching him in the face when he put his hands on her.....THAT I found so weird! You would think that I would be the last person she would turn to. Now I'm wondering how things might have gone down had I been available to take her. Would have gotten to see her face to face and the whole sordid story would have come out. We actually talked on the phone that day too....first time in 2 months, pleasant, no awkwardness..that's when we talked about getting together that evening or next day...her idea...then of course, as I half expected, no follow through on her part. Oh well, I'm not mad or pissed off, cause I get it. It's just aggravating because I am a GOOD person who gave her the kind of relationship everyone wants to be in, and ex boy is the proverbial POS whose qualities are much like the man you are talking about in your remarks. Very frustrating and sad! I still love her. And I expect her feelings for me are just as strong, but obviously she's not past "touching the stovetop" again with the ex, and after she pushed me away, she went back to what she knows - chaos, mental, emotional, and physical abuse, being lied to, cheated on, and beaten down. That's what shes used to, and I don't fit in ANY of those categories.

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Thanks for sharing your experience...WOW! is all I can say. You've been through so much. Glad you are healed and moving forward. Your ex sounds similar to my ex's abusive ex. I know all about the manipulation and the sociopathic behavior associated with these types of people. I know she is damaged. I've heard lots of her stories about former relationships. It just makes me feel sad for her. She pushed me away due to other factors and stresses, then we had pleasant and positive contact between us month of December, and it felt like she was moving back in my direction and that it would only be a matter of time before we reconnected. So I think ex-boy appeared around the New Year and they started hanging out, yet she was still texting me...just not the "missing you" type of stuff. And then the episode of her asking ME to be the one to drive her to the ER after she busted her hand up punching him in the face when he put his hands on her.....THAT I found so weird! You would think that I would be the last person she would turn to. Now I'm wondering how things might have gone down had I been available to take her. Would have gotten to see her face to face and the whole sordid story would have come out. We actually talked on the phone that day too....first time in 2 months, pleasant, no awkwardness..that's when we talked about getting together that evening or next day...her idea...then of course, as I half expected, no follow through on her part. Oh well, I'm not mad or pissed off, cause I get it. It's just aggravating because I am a GOOD person who gave her the kind of relationship everyone wants to be in, and ex boy is the proverbial POS whose qualities are much like the man you are talking about in your remarks. Very frustrating and sad! I still love her. And I expect her feelings for me are just as strong, but obviously she's not past "touching the stovetop" again with the ex, and after she pushed me away, she went back to what she knows - chaos, mental, emotional, and physical abuse, being lied to, cheated on, and beaten down. That's what shes used to, and I don't fit in ANY of those categories.

 

You are never going to understand it. Just like I will never understand why my ex continually chooses to be a man-child and not care for his four children. It's not our job.

 

You can only control YOU. You can only control YOUR life. You can't control hers. You have no obligations to her. Be lucky you never had a kid with her or married her.

 

You just have to walk away and stop worrying. It's hard but you have to. I suggest you seek counseling if you haven't already.

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You are never going to understand it. Just like I will never understand why my ex continually chooses to be a man-child and not care for his four children. It's not our job.

 

You can only control YOU. You can only control YOUR life. You can't control hers. You have no obligations to her. Be lucky you never had a kid with her or married her.

 

You just have to walk away and stop worrying. It's hard but you have to. I suggest you seek counseling if you haven't already.

 

I don't need any "counseling". lol I pretty much understand the dynamic going on here. I just feel sad for her. I showed her a normal, healthy, loving, and respectful relationship for 7 months. I treated her like we all want to be treated, and she treated me the same. In fact she would tell me how she was so glad that she made a much better choice with me, and would tell me regularly how happy I made her, and how much she loved me and appreciated me for it. So I think she KNOWS that kinds of issues she has, but as much as she might try to do better and make better choices, her relationship past has totally screwed up her self-esteem and she's trapped in the cycle of abusve. I'm the very antithesis of the monsters she's been with, the polar opposite! Aside from the obvious "touching the stovetop" analogy, I also like the "how many times do you try and pet a dog that bites you every time you try?".

 

Then there's the issue of the restraining order she got put on him last April. She went to court with family and friends, including her daughters, to provide evidence to proceed with the restraining order. So if they are hanging out and she's allowing him to be around her, she's breaking the law, AND it's all got to be on the down-low, because her friends and family that know their history, hate his guts! What the heck is she thinking? I guess I "get it", but I don't get it. This kind of drama is totally foreign to me.

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I don't need any "counseling". lol I pretty much understand the dynamic going on here. I just feel sad for her. I showed her a normal, healthy, loving, and respectful relationship for 7 months. I treated her like we all want to be treated, and she treated me the same. In fact she would tell me how she was so glad that she made a much better choice with me, and would tell me regularly how happy I made her, and how much she loved me and appreciated me for it. So I think she KNOWS that kinds of issues she has, but as much as she might try to do better and make better choices, her relationship past has totally screwed up her self-esteem and she's trapped in the cycle of abusve. I'm the very antithesis of the monsters she's been with, the polar opposite! Aside from the obvious "touching the stovetop" analogy, I also like the "how many times do you try and pet a dog that bites you every time you try?".

 

Then there's the issue of the restraining order she got put on him last April. She went to court with family and friends, including her daughters, to provide evidence to proceed with the restraining order. So if they are hanging out and she's allowing him to be around her, she's breaking the law, AND it's all got to be on the down-low, because her friends and family that know their history, hate his guts! What the heck is she thinking? I guess I "get it", but I don't get it. This kind of drama is totally foreign to me.

 

It was just a suggestion. I'm not sure why you put it in quotes. It doesn't hurt to go talk to an objective person who can give you some other insight into your life. I have never liked talking to a therapist but I did when I got to where I am now at Family Advocacy and she's a great counselor.

 

Here's the issue: You...need...to...stop...worrying...about...her. Ok? Just stop. Yeah she probably messed up ditching you for this other a$$hole. Oh well! You can't change it.

 

You seem obsessed with this and figuring it out. You won't. It's your life so you can waste your life on this woman or you can just chalk it up and move along. You're not her father. You're not there to fix her. You can't fix her. I know you want to fix her (and don't say you don't want to. Yes you do).

 

Oh no she's not breaking the law. HE is violating the order. Unless it says in her order she can't have contact with him either - she can talk to him and see him all she wants. But she is setting him up for failure. You could call the cops if you know when he's around her and he can get arrested. Might wake them both up. Might not. It's a bit vindictive. When my ex cheated on me with this meth head stripper I found out she had a warrant for FTA. I told his mom. She called her in - they arrested her at the hotel they were staying. Hindsight childish but at the time made me feel better.

 

I think you need to take your own advice with this one: "how many times do you try and pet a dog that bites you every time you try?".

or the stovetop. She continually "burns" you and you go back. Why? You're just as bad as her with this abusive guy. She's kind of like mentally torturing you and emotionally and you keep going back. Why?

 

These are the things a counselor helps you identify. It doesn't say you're crazy. You just need someone who is outside the situation to clarify it for you.

 

You're never gonna figure her out. Never gonna stop her. You'll just waste your time and drive yourself crazy. It's like how I've been trying to figure out why my ex chooses meth over his kids, over me, over his family when it does nothing for him but cause chaos. Well I can't figure it out. And it's not my problem anymore. I have more important things to worry about in my life and with our daughter.

 

I'm sure you have more important things in your life. Handle that. Get away from this woman asap. Or you're going to just get dragged down with her.

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Oh believe me, I've talked with several close friends of mine over this whole thing. I am trying to just walk away, because I know that's what's best for me at this point. However, there has been no closure, and I think she likes knowing that I am available to her in the future. It was me who she texted to take her to the ER the day after she busted her hand up on this guy's face wasn't it? Which makes sense. She goes back to what she knows...then she turns to me, which she knows is positive, normal, and good. I really wish I would have been available that morning to take her, cause the whole story would have come out. Anyway, I'm not "obsessed" with "getting her back". Obviously, she has issues herself which she needs to fix, and she spent 7 months being happy with me. She pushed me away largely due to some other issues that existed - not a "dump me for him" situation. The abusive ex came back into the picture with her over the past month, and something tells me it probably because that guy got dumped or pushed away be another g/f who he was probably pulling the same crap with. We had a great relationship, and she made me very happy, and I her....makes it very hard to just "walk away" and give up on, especially when she was giving every evidence that she was breaking away from the monsters in her past. Apparently, she's had a relapse...lol She knows better. She's not stupid. My guess is that I will be hearing from her again at some point sooner or later because due to the toxicity and the history between them, you know it's going to end very badly sooner or later...they've already had one violent episode! But don't worry - I understand what's going on. Not easy to, but I do. I am doing my best to walk away and move on, and also be prepared for what to do, and how to handle things when/if I DO hear from her. Yes, I am very busy, and even though talking about this stuff on here and to friends helps me immensely to deal with things, it is always a real time waster and detrimental to getting things done at the office. I work in sales though, so plenty of time to screw around! LOL What do you do in the Army? I was an officer in the Army Reserve for 6 years - Transportation, ROTC graduate. I was deployed and served in The Gulf War - Desert Shield/Desert Storm. Thanks for your service, qwaspolk82 !

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Oh believe me, I've talked with several close friends of mine over this whole thing. I am trying to just walk away, because I know that's what's best for me at this point. However, there has been no closure, and I think she likes knowing that I am available to her in the future. It was me who she texted to take her to the ER the day after she busted her hand up on this guy's face wasn't it? Which makes sense. She goes back to what she knows...then she turns to me, which she knows is positive, normal, and good. I really wish I would have been available that morning to take her, cause the whole story would have come out. Anyway, I'm not "obsessed" with "getting her back". Obviously, she has issues herself which she needs to fix, and she spent 7 months being happy with me. She pushed me away largely due to some other issues that existed - not a "dump me for him" situation. The abusive ex came back into the picture with her over the past month, and something tells me it probably because that guy got dumped or pushed away be another g/f who he was probably pulling the same crap with. We had a great relationship, and she made me very happy, and I her....makes it very hard to just "walk away" and give up on, especially when she was giving every evidence that she was breaking away from the monsters in her past. Apparently, she's had a relapse...lol She knows better. She's not stupid. My guess is that I will be hearing from her again at some point sooner or later because due to the toxicity and the history between them, you know it's going to end very badly sooner or later...they've already had one violent episode! But don't worry - I understand what's going on. Not easy to, but I do. I am doing my best to walk away and move on, and also be prepared for what to do, and how to handle things when/if I DO hear from her. Yes, I am very busy, and even though talking about this stuff on here and to friends helps me immensely to deal with things, it is always a real time waster and detrimental to getting things done at the office. I work in sales though, so plenty of time to screw around! LOL What do you do in the Army? I was an officer in the Army Reserve for 6 years - Transportation, ROTC graduate. I was deployed and served in The Gulf War - Desert Shield/Desert Storm. Thanks for your service, qwaspolk82 !

 

That's fine but you need to talk to someone objective. I talk to my friends too - but with friends you listen but don't hear them. It's upt to you.

 

You don't sound like you're trying to walk away...

 

So MAKE there be closure. YOU end it. YOU make it closed.

 

You're obsessed with her situation. Yes you are. Step away for a day and then re-read your posts. Or read them to your friends and I guarantee you they will tell you "dude let it go."

 

You can't change the past. You can only affect what you do from now on and you need to stop saying "what if I was there that morning?" or "what if" this or that. Doesn't matter.

 

No you don't have to hear from her again if you go NO CONTACT. Block her on everything possible. Otherwise this cycle will continue. If she wants to get her ass beat that's her problem. Not yours. It's hard to walk away from someone but you have to do it.

 

I lost one of my best friends because I told off her abusive husband and she stuck up for him over me. She has known him all of 3 1/2 years. She's known me since she was 16 and she chose him over me. I'm the only one in her family and friends who told him off. He knew what he was doing. He knew I was a threat so he isolated us. Now we aren't friends at all and she is not the person I used to know. Everyone else says how controlling he is to her and her girls have acted way differently with him around. The oldest is super quite. He has a daughter who has three kids. He's 10 years older than my friend. She was a stepgrandma before she was 30. She told me during our fight "trust me I know what I'm doing." Yeah I've said that to my family too. He didn't hit her yet but he busted her phone and said he wanted a divorce that's what triggered our fight.

 

This is her second abusive relationship. Her girls' "Father" abused her too. She has four kids with that guy - he went to prison for sexual assault of a minor and he hasn't been around and now those girls call this moron "dad."

 

But guess what? I can't make her leave. She used to stick up for the other guy but she never disowned me over him. Even her twin sister agrees with me. No one likes him. Not one person. But it's her life. I just worry about those girls. They're like nieces and they are my daughter's cousins and we barely get to see them anymore. My daughter misses them. I miss them. They called me aunt their whole life. And their mom never asks me about my daughter.

 

So I know how you feel but you can't do anything that they aren't ready to do. When she wants to stop the cycle, she will stop it (your ex) until then...you gotta just cold turkey and block her.

 

No don't wait until "if you hear from her." NEVER talk to her again. Block her.

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Applicable insight to my situation. This is my former girlfriend in a nutshell. From an article on a psychology magazine I recently read.

 

"She Avoids Dependency

Often such women even tend to run in the opposite direction the nicer you get or the better the relationship is getting. This is almost textbook 'emotional baggage' type behavior. She is basically afraid of believing things can actually be good, despite having all the urges to be in a normal, healthy relationship, as everything in the past has taught her that this isn't possible. Worse still, your niceness may even drive her back into the arms of another idiotic male who will only serve to sustain this negative cycle."

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11273[/ATTACH]

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So should I be seeing this woman that I care so much about as a total "lost cause", or is there still hope worth hanging onto that she will come around? I want to reach out, obviously, Valentines Day is Tuesday. I'm torn because half of me wants to "walk away" and do nothing further, and the other half of me feels sad and sorry for her being in the bad place that she's in and that half of me thinks I should reach out and send her a card for Valentines Day with just some simple and short sentiment that lets her know that I'm available to her, and to appeal to her emotions. I'm sure she hasn't forgotten about me, but she might be very well feeling sheepish, afraid, etc...and knowing what I know about how she thinks about herself, she might even be thinking that I hate her and am extremely angry with her for how she ended things with me. (I'm not, and I think it might be important for her to know that) I just want to preserve the potential for us to reconnect again in the future, once she gets a better grip on her life and the next time things blow up with this abusive manipulative no-good ex who she's gotten reinvolved with again. I know that will end badly sooner or later and she is likely to turn to me. Afterall, there was nothing negative or unsavor about anything between us...ever. Which of course makes this all the more frustrating, despite me gaining a large amount of understanding of the cycle she is in. Believe me, I've googled "low self esteem & relationships", "negative comfort zone", "trauma bonding"...and a few more. She fits into the scenarios I've found and learned about in many cases. Yeah, I know she is a 'whack job". But I love her. And what makes me unwilling and unready to totally give up and walk away is the fact that in the 7 months we dated...she never showed me crazy, in fact she showed me normal, healthy, and regular relationship behavior. So I know she is capable of checking her demons and acting healthy in a relationship. Unfortunately she appears to have back slid. This is maddening to no end, but it's just so hard to give up on someone you had such a good thing with in a relationship that showed so much potential.

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So should I be seeing this woman that I care so much about as a total "lost cause", or is there still hope worth hanging onto that she will come around? I want to reach out, obviously, Valentines Day is Tuesday. I'm torn because half of me wants to "walk away" and do nothing further, and the other half of me feels sad and sorry for her being in the bad place that she's in and that half of me thinks I should reach out and send her a card for Valentines Day with just some simple and short sentiment that lets her know that I'm available to her, and to appeal to her emotions. I'm sure she hasn't forgotten about me, but she might be very well feeling sheepish, afraid, etc...and knowing what I know about how she thinks about herself, she might even be thinking that I hate her and am extremely angry with her for how she ended things with me. (I'm not, and I think it might be important for her to know that) I just want to preserve the potential for us to reconnect again in the future, once she gets a better grip on her life and the next time things blow up with this abusive manipulative no-good ex who she's gotten reinvolved with again. I know that will end badly sooner or later and she is likely to turn to me. Afterall, there was nothing negative or unsavor about anything between us...ever. Which of course makes this all the more frustrating, despite me gaining a large amount of understanding of the cycle she is in. Believe me, I've googled "low self esteem & relationships", "negative comfort zone", "trauma bonding"...and a few more. She fits into the scenarios I've found and learned about in many cases. Yeah, I know she is a 'whack job". But I love her. And what makes me unwilling and unready to totally give up and walk away is the fact that in the 7 months we dated...she never showed me crazy, in fact she showed me normal, healthy, and regular relationship behavior. So I know she is capable of checking her demons and acting healthy in a relationship. Unfortunately she appears to have back slid. This is maddening to no end, but it's just so hard to give up on someone you had such a good thing with in a relationship that showed so much potential.

 

Geez dude just let it go. It's HER fault she's in a bad place. It's HER life. Not yours. She's an adult. You can't control her. She will make her own choices. You can only control your own life. Stop letting her use you.

 

Why would you even want to be with her again? She's obviously got issues. She jumps back and forth. Go find someone who wants to be with YOU. Not use you as a backup.

 

You only were with her 7 months. You don't think it if would go longer you wouldn't see it? And NOW you have seen it.

 

I get it. I do. It's hard for me to give up on my ex. I have gone back to him so many times. In my heart every time I hear about he's sober I think maybe there's a chance for us but it shouldn't happen. I have to get my heart on board with my head. I have realized he will only be sober if he wants to be. He will be a man if he wants to be. No one can change him. Not me. Not any new chicks he meets who see him sober and think he's so amazing. Yeah he can be when he is sober but he's been lying and using people so long I don't think he knows any other way to live. I also don't think he can be monogamous. SO I have to learn to deal with it and try to move on.

 

If you want to waste your life on this woman that's your choice. But no one is going to give you advice on how to get back together with a total whack job. Why do you want to wait for someone to "come around?" Why not go find someone who wants to be with you?

 

Like I said you really need to consider counseling. An objective third party who is trained in this kind of stuff would help you IMMENSELY.

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Oh I know what you are saying . Really I do, but it's just hard to let go when you believe in someone so much, and when you tend to undertand their issues. And I don't feel "used" by her at all, nor do I feel like a "backup". She's put no demands on me, nor asked me for anything. She's well aware of her own issues and demons and she's not the diabolical evil woman you make her out to be. This hasn't been some kind of viscious cycle ...and I would not allow it turn into one either. Ive not put my life on hold for her either. I'm dating, seeing others, sleeping with another on a casual basis. I did reach out to her on Valentines Day. Sent her flowers to her office, a card, with a letter in it sharing some feelings with her, and several photos of her and I during happy times. Here's what the note said, and her response. My intuition about what is going on with her is spot on, as her remarks in her response indicates.

 

Hope this finds you well! I miss you Roxanne! - miss your smile, your touch, your giggles and laughter, miss kissing you on the forehead and nose, …miss the way you’ve always looked at me and the way you’ve always made me feel being with you and around you, miss your warmth next to me at night, …the list could go on and on of all the little things - all the pleasant and wonderful things about you that make you the beautiful person you are. I miss you as a lover…but even more so miss the deep friendship that has always gone hand in hand with that - the easy, pleasant, and the “why did the time pass so quickly when I’m with you?” type of connection we have always enjoyed together. Lately, I’ve had that “feels like I’ve lost my best friend” kind of feeling because, as a lover, or as a friend; my feelings for you, my belief in you, my faith in you, my respect for you, and my trust in you for being the wonderful person you are, are just as strong and clear as they were the first time we said “I love you” to each other back in August. In some ways, those feelings have grown even stronger. 

It’s very important to me that you know how deep my feelings for you run. I am NOT angry with you for pushing me away, far from it. You haven’t “broken” my heart – just maybe “dented” it a little, yes, and that saddens me greatly, being apart from you and us being estranged, but I’ve never been mad or angry with you, and I won’t be. I understand some things perhaps more than you might realize, Roxanne, and I think the world of you, so don’t EVER think that I think any less of you because I don’t, and never be hesitant or afraid to communicate with me, see me, depend on me, or call on me for anything, especially if you are down, hurting, or in a bad place. Please know this, because it means much to me that you understand that. 

And if there is one single thing I want you always to be 100% secure in the knowledge of, that I want you to be wholly secure in your mind and in your heart is that I love you – unconditionally and completely, regardless of if you live 5 minutes, or 5 hours, away, and that I’m always here for you and I want you always to be wholly secure in your trust and faith in me, and be 100% secure in knowing ….that my door is always open to you,.my mind is always open to you,. and most importantly, . my heart is always open to you. 

These photos are for you to keep in your desk drawer. If you are having a terrible day at work or at home, if it’s gloomy outside or raining, or if you are just feeling down for whatever reason. Please pull them out and let them remind you of the abundant happy times we’ve shared, remember all the times we’ve made each other smile, and then “smile, because you know that somewhere I am missing you and thinking about you, babydoll!” 

 

Here is her email response that she sent me in return:

 

 

It was a total surprise coming into work today and seeing what was at my desk already. Thank you so much I love it all. Of course I always love what you send, give or write to me. It made me cry reading your card and couldn’t read the letter until just little bit ago. Kind of wanted to wait until everyone was gone so they didn’t see me cry again or interrupt me. It touched me in a way I can’t explain. And I know how you feel. I think of you all the time I think of all the times we shared, smiles we smiled and laughs we laughed. And of course the crying I may have done at times. I wish I could sit and finish this letter up but for some reason I can’t keep it together.; maybe lots of what you had said is hitting home and coming to a head. Please don’t ever think you don’t cross my mind or that I don’t think about you and what you may be doing and up too. And yes there has been several times I have just wanted to stop by and hide out at your place. Or come by to say hi or meet up to have some drinks and make me forget life for a second. I wish I could tell you that I am happy or that I am fine and life is great. I have been dealing with life and seems to knock me down every time I make steps forward. I guess I never thought I’d ever say this in my life. But I think I am truly ready for someone to take care of me. Just me….I am getting tired and wore down. And I think I’m ready. I don’t have a phone again the new one I just gotten broke in like a week and I need to fix it. But feel free to contact me on here or FB. But that too haven’t been on in a while. I have been meaning to email you back from your last email I got here at work. It’s been busy again now with Nichole gone but must say lots better. And that is great news about your job. I am so happy for you. Well I better get going and I will have to email you again when I’m not so emotional and explain more to ya. Love you lots always will

 

So when I sent her that stuff, it was more of a "let go" exercise on my part, but apparently it touched her and affected her. She knows. Up to her to do something to change her current "bad place" status. and I realize there is nothing I can do to control her decisions. All on her. However, I am encouraged by her response. We'll see what she does. As long as this isn't holding me back from meeting/dating/seeing others in the meantime, I'm okay with not entirely letting go....and everyone deserved a 2nd chance don't they?

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