My first dates always involve a lot of emotional unburdening.

[Eyebrows]

Not that I've had that many. I started late. Was shy for years. So I've only really had 4 first dates so 'always' may be a bit of a stretch.

 

There was a girl I worked with in a shop once. First time we went out she was telling me how she was abused as a child, that she was raped, that her mother gave her up for adoption and a lot of other things. She also had herpes and said "So there's a chance our children will get them." Wanting neither children nor herpes I did bail on that one though I felt like a complete ass after how much she told me. She text the next day saying she hoped it was the start of our future together.

 

My ex-girlfriend, she barely spoke on our first date because she was so nervous. We slept together on the first night. I'd mentioned about her staying over, she'd never stayed at a man's house overnight before. After we had sex there was a lot of opening up. It didn't bother me so much that time, as we had a pretty good connection from the get go. However, the baby clothes pictures and the "You have to propose to me" should have raised alarm bells when it didn't. I've talked about her on here before. Crying on our holiday, going from soulmate and the rest of her life to accusing me of harassment at work. She had said I had saved her from her last relationship.

 

The other one was a girl with hydrocephalus and spine bifida who I met online. Actually, this one wasn't really bad. It was a pleasant couple of glasses of wine for about 2 hours before work. I think we talked about pretty banal things but talked the whole time. She wanted to see me again but it was way too soon after my break-up and I decided it wouldn't be fair on her.

 

Another girl, I'm still in contact with a little bit. Met her online too. She was sweet. Then she was telling me about her ex-BPD partner who is on the scene still and all about her past history, sexual abuse, kinks she was into that were way too extreme for me, her bipolar and stuff she's done. She wanted to see me again too, though she said she didn't think there was a sexual connection (I've been pretty stand-offish after my last relationship). Though the conversation did turn sexual when she brought it up and I told her I was interested in her sexually. I mean, when somebody tells me they have a history of sexual abuse, I'm always a bit wary about things like that as I don't want to trigger them or make them feel pressured or anything like that. She was nice. She said I ticked two out of three boxes, that I was easy to connect with, something else that I don't remember, and someone she could be sexually compatible with. The kinks are a bit too much for me.

 

 

Anyway...I have a female friend who is married. We're just friends. I don't know, she touches me when she's drunk and we hang out and she tells me she doesn't love her husband and she's not happy, and the first time we went for a drink she said she wanted me to know I could talk to her about anything, relationship problems, sex and said that it is rare to connect with somebody and...yeah...I'm not going down that route even if there was attraction. 1. Because I wouldn't want to break up a marriage. 2. Because she has been an absolute godsend in helping me last year deal with my AVM, brain bleed and brain surgery and I'd hate to lose her as a friend. She was also sexually assaulted.

 

But it's a similar dynamic. I feel like an echoing board, even though it's platonic.

 

I guess it's nice in a way that people feel comfortable around me. The lady at work I sit next to said she doesn't usually talk so much, she doesn't know what it is about me that makes her talk, that she is not wanting to talk to other people so much. And I was told that I relax people.

 

But is there some kind of subconscious reason why I attract people who seem to be looking for some kind of saviour or who are wanting to put me on the uncomfortable position of being on a pedestal before they inevitably get disappointed that I can't meet their expectations. I don't want to be anybody's white knight.

 

Or is this just what happens to everyone on dates?

[notalady]

Definitely not what happens to everyone. Of course I'm a woman so I've only been on dates with men. Can't remember once where someone sprung their issues in me. It's definitely oversharing, and signs of emotional neediness. You're right in that they're looking for a saviour, and if you have no interest in being one, run far far away.

 

I mean it's hard to tell if you're attracting these types of women specifically, whether it's something you're doing or not. But you can encounter all sorts of people in online dating, so it might not be just about you.

 

Although I noticed you thought it was flattering that people want to open up to you. I think that's a thinking that needs changing. When strangers or others like your married female friend open up to you inappropriately (and I would define oversharing such information on a first date or while being married as inappropriate), is not about you or how approachable you are, it's about them being emotionally unhealthy or unbalanced individuals, and it's your cue to exit the scene.

[Eyebrows]

Yeah, definitely don't want to be anybody's saviour. I did it once and it was draining and I fell for the whole vulnerable act, which was an act in that instance. I just remembered another girl...two girls, actually...who I met volunteering in the Czech Republic. You tend to get close to people in those situations when you're living together and working together and around each other 24/7 even if it's for a short time. I connect with some of them more than some people back home.

 

Digressing though...the first girl, a German girl, ended up telling me all about her mother and all these other issues too while resting her head on me. We'd gotten quite close but she had a boyfriend back in Germany so again nothing could have happened. Things got weird with another guy on the farm that went crazy and was harassing her, I ended up sleeping in the same room as her that night with a knife by the bed before he left the next day because he was absolutely batsh*t insane and left a flower under her bedsheets when we went out to do our washing.

 

The other girl was Kiwi. Again, purely platonic. She invited me to stay over at the hostel she was staying at in Prague and that she could sneak me into her bed. I declined. Later on she would say "I think I give men the wrong impression when I ask them into bed." I thought, well, yes I'd say that's probably right. Again, seemed to have a lot of things going on under the surface.

 

So notalady, I guess what I'm asking is, should I just train to be a counsellor and charge for the privilege

 

But I get it, in a way. Showing some vulnerability is good and people want to connect but there should be a balance. It's hard to go from talking about sexual abuse, to talking about what music I'm into. Though I worry in a dating situation that it's creating a situation where there's a lot of comfort but not much spark because it's so heavy and because I would feel like an ass if I tried to get them into bed when they're vulnerable and just opened their heart about everything.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you're a good listener. However as great of a quality as that is make sure you are charging these dates $300.00 /hr for therapy...lol

 

Or change the subject or ask them if they maybe should unpack all this with a therapist. Otherwise if you find these stories interesting then you've learned a lot about them and their red flags and deal breakers. Another plus to being an observant listener.

[Eyebrows]

Unfortunately it sounds like you're a good listener. However as great of a quality as that is make sure you are charging these dates $300.00 /hr for therapy...lol

 

Or change the subject or ask them if they maybe should unpack all this with a therapist. Otherwise if you find these stories interesting then you've learned a lot about them and their red flags and deal breakers. Another plus to being an observant listener.

 

Sometimes I just look like I'm listening!

 

In all seriousness, I've gotten told that a lot. I did wonder if there is some subconscious thing going on here where I'm providing something that they haven't had before but I'll leave that for Freud.

 

Sometimes I want to have fun on a date, you know? Maybe I should start doing activity dates rather than just coffee.

[Lostinlove31]

I too had dated women ans they all had the same issues.

 

Sexually abused, daddy issues, and emotional expression issues. I would back away and look at yourself and look at what they all say about you.

 

I am considered too nice.and affectionate.

[RainyCoast]

why do you pretend to listen? learn to shut them down politely when they go too deep with the therapy session. i would personally also state that i am not comfortable with so much intimacy with strangers. and that i warmly recommend therapy for that much burden. and that i don't date people who are still so strongly affected by their past.

 

smh. it's gross. i have all kinds of things in the past. never in my wildest dreams would i vomit it out on people. one needs to be very self-centered, an emotional vampire and pathologically dependent on others to even begin to assume the other is capable, willing, or obliged to contain traumatic content.

 

yeah, if you can't bring yourself to cut them short, you need to focus on self-preservation.

[RainyCoast]

Wanting neither children nor herpes I did bail on that one

LOL!!!

 

wow, that one was just scary.

 

 

I guess it's nice in a way that people feel comfortable around me. The lady at work I sit next to said she doesn't usually talk so much, she doesn't know what it is about me that makes her talk, that she is not wanting to talk to other people so much. And I was told that I relax people.

that just translates to you are a dumpster. they dump their toxins on you, and then they're relaxed, having gotten rid of the toxic load that weighs them down. for a day t least. start cutting them short. especially at work, just tell them you're not comfortable sharing personal information at work if they don't respond to the tactic of changing the topic to work assignments.

[Wiseman2]

Totally agree. There's a lot of walking wounded out there who will tell their saga to anyone who'll listen. Actually too much drama, ex stories, exaggerated issues etc. seem like red flags, no?

Sometimes I want to have fun on a date, you know? Maybe I should start doing activity dates rather than just coffee.

 

]

[Lostinlove31]

Activity dates are the best. Be the date that makes them forget they have issues and help them have fun.