Is there a chance or is he playing with me?

[mariasanta]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 months. In the beginning of our relationship he said he never forgives betrayal/lying/cheating. I messed up, which is why I am here, and lied to him about hanging out with a guy friend. Last month he told me I would 'always ditch him to hang out with 50 guys' even though this is not true. We are in college and it was finals time and he would say he was busy studying and could not even talk on the phone with me. I assumed he was too busy for me and didn't try to hang out with him bc he always said he was busy, and would hang out with my other friends, many of whom are guys. After finals he said he felt i didnt care about him although I thought I was giving him space to study and we could enjoy our time after finals. I understood he felt upset, took all the blame, apologized, and said I wouldn't do it again. I wasn't 100% on what I even did wrong I thought it was I didn't spend time with him or spent too much time with my guy friends. When the new semester started I spent as much time as possible with him, but whenever I was with one specific guy friend who I have no feelings for, he would get mad. I have class with this friend and so one day before class i said we can get coffee 20 mins before class. I planned to tell my bf this but as soon as i got the chance he messages me saying 'where r u' I said oh , *my guy friend's name* came. I panicked i thought my bf would not believe i was going to tell him about my plans and was trying to hide it this is my fatal error. My bf was suspicious so i sent him messages showing that i made plans to get coffee with him. he said i texted him to hang out alone with him for 45 mins and i promised not to do that and i lied bc i did not tell him i made plans i said 'he came' he says I lied to him to meet up with a guy behind his back even though i never had feelings for this friend at all he has always thought i did and i dont know why. After finding this out he said 'i dont wanna be with you anymore.' I begged him for another chance, i didnt know how he felt about me meeting up with this friend i thought it was bc i didnt spend enough time with him but i knew seeing him made him uncomfortable so i lied even tho i have no feeling for the guy i didnt see why i couldnt see him anymore. NOW my bf or ex-bf, im not even sure, says he doesnt want to be with me but as i begged for another chance, he said he will see 'see my actions and if i make amends but is not optimistic' he says he is only doing this as a formality and doesnt want to be with me and is disgusted by me and hates me and cannot look me in the eyes or imagine kissing me. If he is so disgusted why is he doing this out of formaility? Im so confused is there a chance for me or is he bullting me. He says what i am allowed to and not allowed to do does he still care for my actions or is this just a way of dragging this out so i will end up more hurt. if theres no chance i want to end this and move on. He says there is nothing i can do to make him trust or want me again so why does he care for my behavior???

He still texts me regularly and replies like he did before this fight. Im so confused

[Iggy5129]

He sounds like a controlling jerk. You should be able to get coffee with a classmate regardless of gender any time you want. He clearly doesn't trust you for no reason. If I was you I'd say good riddance and find someone who respects and trusts you.

[Almira23]

Why do you want to be with him so badly? You didn't do anything wrong. I don't quite understand how getting coffee with a classmate translates to a betrayal within your relationship.

He seems very possessive and jealous. If I was you, I would block him and move on.

If he is getting so angry with you getting coffee with a friend, imagine what he would do later. Do you want to him to dictate who you can or can't be friends with, what you can and cant wear, and where you can go?

Don't become stuck in a relationship like that.

[ThatwasThen]

he says he is only doing this as a formality and doesnt want to be with me and is disgusted by me and hates me and cannot look me in the eyes or imagine kissing me.

You are best to swallow your fear of being without him and change that emotion to one of being happy that you are free of him.

 

I am one of those people that don't believe in opposite friends hanging out one-on-one and doing date like activities with one another as I feel it crosses a very fundamental romantic relationship boundary but your EX boyfriend takes that boundary to a whole new level by instilling control issues, over-jealousy, mistrust and verbal abuse.

 

That level of control issues, over-jealousy, mistrust and abuse will only escalate with time and how you show him that you're willing to put up with all of his mental illness. (yes it is a form of someone not all there).

 

Be happy he's gone and when he seeks you out because you're no longer begging to be with him, ignore him completely because I think you are not strong enough to talk to him without being hovered back in for more of his dysfunctional relating.

 

Love yourself enough to know that you can do better then a d-bag like him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. However at only 3 mos in he's jealous, possessive, controlling things and you should consider cutting your losses. So many red flags in addition to this including some slurs about your character.

 

Some dude who strolls into your life after 3 mos of dating doesn't dictate who your friends are or who you study with. under no circumstances should you start acting like a parolee reporting everything to him with "proof", etc. Google 'dating red flags".

 

Go no contact for good and delete and block this bozo. You can do much better than this.

Last month he told me I would 'always ditch him to hang out with 50 guys' even though this is not true. My bf was suspicious so i sent him messages showing that i made plans to get coffee with him.After finding this out he said 'i dont wanna be with you anymore.'

[mariasanta]

I agree im not strong enough to talk to him. But i can't help but feel so guilty for lying. We also have classes together 4 days a week and have many of the same friends . This is my first relationship and theres an 8 year difference. I don't know what a boyfriend is entitled to or how to stand up for myself.

[Wiseman2]

You lied to avoid the wrath of his controlling, jealous behaviors, right? In normal relationships it's not necessary. Do not talk to him. End it asap. Tell your parents and close friends about how he is intimidating and controlling you.

 

How old is he? How is it there's an 8 yr difference and you see him in classes?

 

Don't get bullied into a relationship with this creep. Get help now and educate yourself on what healthy and unhealthy relationships are. : This is my first relationship and theres an 8 year difference. I don't know what a boyfriend is entitled to or how to stand up for myself.

[mariasanta]

You lied to avoid the wrath of his controlling, jealous behaviors, right? In normal relationships it's not necessary. Do not talk to him. End it asap. Tell your parents and close friends about how he is intimidating and controlling you.

 

How old is he? How is it there's an 8 yr difference and you see him in classes?

 

Don't get bullied into a relationship with this creep. Get help now and educate yourself on what healthy and unhealthy relationships are. :

 

 

im 19 hes 27 this is his second degree and its my first in engineering. I've made such dumb mistakes... my parents don't allow dating so they do not know. Now I can see why they do not allow it, as I clearly cannot chose someone good.

[Wiseman2]

Dating is fine, however this is abusive. Get out. Then confide in other trusted adults and friends go to the campus counselor about what is happening. You can get plenty of information about abusive relationship red flags.

im 19 hes 27 this is his second degree and its my first in engineering. my parents don't allow dating so they do not know. Now I can see why they do not allow it, as I clearly cannot chose someone good.

[boltnrun]

You're afraid of him. You should never be afraid of a man you're dating.

[JaggerJim]

I think you should probably end it, as although you didn't mean to lie, you kinda have. In his eyes you told lies.

 

It's perfectly fine for you to have male friends and to have coffee with them. Your boyfriend is taking advantage of you a bit as in the age department. He is 27 years old, and frankly it's quite a gap especially for someone innocent like you. You are allowing him to control you. Ok you lied, but they were white lies. Harmless kinds of lies but they have got twisted. I don't think he's worth hanging onto, he won't see reason in the future.

[mariasanta]

I'm really at a loss for what to do. I will be forced to see him in school I am not the type to have the will to stick it out, block him, and sit in the same class. None of our mutual friends even know we are dating (so it wont get back to my parents), so if we break up in this way it will cause many problems. He does not even want to give me a second chance anyway.

Would it be reasonable to remain at a distance where we can civilly see each other in class for the next few weeks? I dont think he's worth hanging onto either at this point and agree he is overly controlling and drove me to tell lies. I no longer even feel depressed after reading the comments on this thread and I don't think I am 100% at fault either. Instead of standing up for myself I fed his insecurities by agreeing to unreasonable demands, which caused so many problems I didn't even feel happy before this fight. He has never trusted me and when I'd bring this up he would tell me he is normal to constantly be suspocious of me. Clearly he has taken advantage of me.

[mariasanta]

Despite all this I still feel guilty for lying I feel like a liar and cannot help but think I am a dishonest person who will not be able to remain truthful in a relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

I agree im not strong enough to talk to him. But i can't help but feel so guilty for lying. We also have classes together 4 days a week and have many of the same friends . This is my first relationship and theres an 8 year difference. I don't know what a boyfriend is entitled to or how to stand up for myself.

If you are strong in your personal values and boundaries then you will know when you are being mistreated. Would (or did) your father treat your mother as if she were his possession to control and do exactly as he says and no other then what are HIS rules? If he didn't then you should know that how he demanded you do things his way and only his way and tried to control you is not a healthy relationship to be in. You should automatically know that you do not deserve to be talked to the way he talks(ed) to you. Respect is an easy dynamic to expect from someone who is suppose to love you.

 

Despite all this I still feel guilty for lying I feel like a liar and cannot help but think I am a dishonest person who will not be able to remain truthful in a relationship.

You lied because you knew how he would abuse you emotionally and verbally for not obeying him. Take this as a lesson that you don't lie to a partner. Instead you tell the truth and you discuss differences in opinion and if you can't come to an agreement or a compromise that will satisfy the two of you, then you know that you are with the wrong person and its time you ended the relationship due to, if nothing else, incompatibility in morals, sensibilities, boundaries.

 

Adding: In future, if you want to do one-on-one things without your partner with an opposite sex friend you ought to discuss this with your new partner and see what his take on such things is because contrary to some thinking that it is quite fine for you to have opposite sex friends where you do things one on one with them without your partner, many people do not agree to the dynamic so it's in your best interest to find out if you and your new guy are on the same page in that particular department. Your current ex was a complete arse in how he handled his aversion to his girlfriend having opposite sex friends. He has trust issues that he'd do well to see a professional about.

 

Ignore him and keep him out of your life the best you can under the current circumstances.

[mariasanta]

 

Adding: In future, if you want to do one-on-one things without your partner with an opposite sex friend you ought to discuss this with your new partner and see what his take on such things is because contrary to some thinking that it is quite fine for you to have opposite sex friends where you do things one on one with them without your partner, many people do not agree to the dynamic so it's in your best interest to find out if you and your new guy are on the same page in that particular department. Your current ex was a complete arse in how he handled his aversion to his girlfriend having opposite sex friends. He has trust issues that he'd do well to see a professional about.

 

I actually had asked him before and he knew I had many guy friends when he met me. As our relationship went on he suddenly had a problem with my guy friends but was not clear about them. I even said I would stop talking and texting to that specific guy friend and he said it's ok to text and be friends and never clearly told me not to be alone with him until he broke up with me. The only time he HINTED at it was if I told him we hung out he would act very unhappy with me and it would give me anxiety.

[ThatwasThen]

I actually had asked him before and he knew I had many guy friends when he met me. As our relationship went on he suddenly had a problem with my guy friends but was not clear about them. I even said I would stop talking and texting to that specific guy friend and he said it's ok to text and be friends and never clearly told me not to be alone with him until he broke up with me. The only time he HINTED at it was if I told him we hung out he would act very unhappy with me and it would give me anxiety.

Did you ask him directly why you hanging out with your friend made him unhappy with you? I would have opened up that dialogue. However: It doesn't matter why he got upset, the fact is you're better off without the likes of him. Know that and act with confidence and determination that you do not need him and that you do not care if he ignores you in class. It's all good.

[mariasanta]

Did you ask him directly why you hanging out with your friend made him unhappy with you? I would have opened up that dialogue. However: It doesn't matter why he got upset, the fact is you're better off without the likes of him. Know that and act with confidence and determination that you do not need him and that you do not care if he ignores you in class. It's all good.

 

He thinks I have feelings for my friend even though I've tried to assure him I do not. I've tried to communicate but he gets angry and steam rolls me and has literally said that because I do things he doesn't like (like meeting my friend) I do not care, respect, or love him. ALSO I agree that friends of the opposire sex should do one-on-one date-like activities but this friend and I just met up to get coffee from a to-go place and then go straight to class. I've only met with the oppsite sex to study, but now that is no longer acceptable. Unfortunately I'm still uncertain of what to do because he is acting like we are still together. He found I texted a guy about an assignment and said how can I not have enough common sense to know not to do that after 'all the things I have done.' Even though he himself regularly texts other girls, which Im fine with, I have apparently lost that 'priveledge.' I'm tired of dealing with this.