Loving a broken soldier, do I cut and run? Or fight for this man?

[iceclimbergirl]

Wow. Never thought I’d seek out the advice of the internet community. What a time to be alive. Here is our saga (it’s a good read, I swear):

 

Sparks notes version of background:

 

 

· We are both accomplished professionals, academics and extreme sport enthusiasts in our 30s; surprised we had so very much in common, fueled an intense connection

 

 

· I met him after moving to the US and ending a 9 year relationship, engagement

 

 

· We fell in love hard and fast; the term “Soulmate” bandied around

 

 

· He suffers from many physical ailments, and a wanderlust that sees him insistent on returning to dangerous three-letter agency contracting jobs

 

 

· I am a journalist based in New York

 

 

· I want travel, adventure, but also kids and a husband

 

 

· He said he wanted the same

 

 

After a year of bliss, I was blindsided in November when he decided to abruptly end things with me claiming he didn't think he was capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved. He was very anguished and told me he couldn’t believe he was ending it, but he just didn’t think he could handle the responsibility of a relationship. I spiraled into a deep mourning, the physiological effects of his loss were not akin to anything I have experienced.

 

 

He was finishing up with a contract in Jordan and was between jobs (still is) so when he came back begging for my forgiveness in December, I let him in slowly, believing that perhaps he was suffering from the subsequent emasculation that comes from being injured and essentially jobless.

 

 

Then he did it again.

 

 

This time I cut off contact.

 

 

But for a month he persistently courted me, promising me the love and commitment he had been unwilling to give.

 

 

I gave him another chance, as he vowed to come to New York as soon as he was done with physical rehab for an IED injury. But before then he wanted me to come and visit him.

 

 

So this weekend…

 

 

against my better judgment- but because I still adored him- I went to meet him at a beachside resort. It was romantic and passionate but I felt he was stalling again on verbally articulating the promises (family, marriage) he had been so willing to implore me with via text messages, emails and letters. At one point he became chocked up and said “how can a woman like you love me?...” he added “I have demons, a darkness, I don’t want anyone else to suffer because of them”.

 

 

Come Monday, out-of-the-blue he texted me to say:

 

 

"Did it feel different to you? Perhaps like we're on different paths?"

 

 

I lost my cool and ended it.

 

 

I told him I couldn't be lurched around anymore. I said “the most tragic part is not that you are incapable of giving me the love I deserve, it’s that you won’t.” I told him to leave me alone now.

 

 

He said he accepted it and did not want to hurt me anymore, but attributed it to "failure of critical communication" between us. He said his comments were not a reflection of his “intense love for me or his dedication to our future.”

 

 

Enter my internal conflict.

 

 

I ended it because I felt I had no choice. I had to save my dignity and self-respect. But ending it isn't at all what I want. Now I am in the normal physiological process of mourning and loss. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I feel as though my whole body aches. The thought of reaching out to him seems unthinkable to me and my pride, but all I want him to do is NOT accept it. To fight for me. To show up in New York and come through for me... am I crazy?

 

 

Is this man worth fighting for? Should I reach out?

[iceclimbergirl]

Wanted to add:

 

None of his demons are a deal-breaker for me. Nor is the life he chooses. What is a deal breaker, is being pushed away when things get real.

 

He refuses to get held for his quite obvious PTSD.

 

I am trying to accept the advice I had been known to give to my friends over the years "you should never have to coax anyone to love you." If it is genuine and authentic then reciprocity of love will flow without forcing it. But I also know the love is there (I say this in a non-delusional way) and that he has suffered a lot of psychological trauma. If he let me, I would like to show him that it doesn’t scare me.

 

He is also someone who suffers from chronic pain and hates to show me that side of him. He just can't stand letting anyone in.

 

He has legions of adoring fans but no one is allowed to get close. Whenever I got to close and he let his walls down with me, the next day he would seem sheepish and embarrassed and then sure enough turn cold on me.

[Jibralta]

You want kids and a husband. He does not. You want to be included. He pushes you away. What's to fight for? The drama? The romantic tragedy? The chance for you to be a hero? I guess you have to weigh it out and determine which you want more.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you have very diverse lifestyles and goals. After dating a year it seems he didn't want to talk marriage, kids being a husband, etc as much and as soon as you did or were ready for.

 

He also seems to be diplomatic and offers the standard "it's me, not you" excuse, however that is misleading because it could lead to your trying to fix and change him.

 

The truth is he doesn't want to commit or get married. He keeps trying over and over to tell you this. Try not to get strung along. Don't try to fix him or dissect him under a microscope, he has been very honest with you that he doesn't want a relationship.

 

Go no contact and delete and block him from everything, so you can heal and move on.

I met him after moving to the US. I am a journalist based in New York. I want travel, adventure, but also kids and a husband After a year of bliss, he just didn’t think he could handle the responsibility of a relationship. I felt he was stalling again on verbally articulating the promises family, marriage. "Did it feel different to you? Perhaps like we're on different paths?"

[reinventmyself]

I am sorry you went through all of this, but at best I don't know how much rehabilitation it would take to make someone like this a present committed partner.

Especially in light of the fact he doesn't want help.

I think with time and distance this will become clear to you. Right now you are grieving.

 

This one is a project you can't fix, nor is it your job.

Aside from his inability to participate in a relationship he is being irresponsible popping in and out of your life, only to pull the rug from beneath you.

 

Clearly he knows he has an issue and he knows what you want and acknowledges he's incapable.

If he cared for you, he'd leave you be and not yank you around over and over.

 

I know you love this man. . but your love isn't going to change a thing.

 

Stay strong. Stay away. You gave this one more than enough chances only to run into the same issue over and over.

Grieve, heal and at some point you'll meet the right guy who has as much to offer

as you do.

[j.man]

I think Jib has her finger on the pulse. Even in just the manner you've written this in, you seem more keen on the narrative and drama than any realistic prospects.

 

Resist the urge to look at it as a movie script and hopefully you'll see that, PTSD and military history aside, you're simply incompatible on some very fundamental levels. Unfortunately, chemistry doesn't change that.

[iceclimbergirl]

Wow! What a community, thank you for your prompt replies. I am incredibly grateful to all of you in this state of confusion.

 

A lot to think about.

 

I am a romantic and also a writer with a flair for the literary denouement. But when it comes to love, I want it simple and honest. Truly, I never instigated the drama, I was a victim of it. I need to stop being a victim in this I think.

 

Perhaps time to pull the plug, delete him from my social media and enact the no-contact rule many of you seem to preach. All this, of course, is not at all what I desire.

 

Interestingly, it was a resounding "stay away" from all of you, whereas the advice my friends give errs on the side of reaching out to him, showing him that I am not giving up, but imploring him to get help. I then find myself being a devil's advocate for this... much the same way I want to issue a rebuttal to most all of your points. A losing battle it seems.

[RainyCoast]

Interestingly, it was a resounding "stay away" from all of you, whereas the advice my friends give errs on the side of reaching out to him, showing him that I am not giving up, but imploring him to get help. I then find myself being a devil's advocate for this... much the same way I want to issue a rebuttal to most all of your points. A losing battle it seems.

regarding that..i was wondering, because i can't quite understand from the original post, what makes you suspect PTSD?

 

i feel like in these posts his decisions are pathologized, as if they were not his genuine life choices but involuntary manifestations of his clinical picture, results of severe disturbance.

 

whether ill or not, this man clearly chooses to continue his involvement with "three letter agencies" and clearly chooses to not commit.

 

there needn't be anything pathological about decisions like that. they are nothing to cure him of.

his unwillingness to sync himself with your desires, or give up his choices to fulfill your dream is a legitimate decision, inspite your natural sadness about it.

 

you don't conclude "because this person refuses to give me what they want, it means the true them would disagree, but they are overtaken by a sick double that needs some kind of conversion therapy to want to commit to me".

 

learn to take a no at face value, no embellishment, no theatrical minimization.

 

if he does have PTSD, his life would continue to be very challenging for a quite a while, and often rock bottom has to be reached before help is sought. he sounds like a good guy, but it's close to impossible to meet the demands of even the most tolerant partnership with active ptsd, and sometimes for many years after.

 

i'm very sorry. you obviously like him a lot.

[Wiseman2]

Make sure you keep your romance writing and real life separate. He doesn't have to follow your script to the ending you want for your story.

 

This sounds like you want to be the heroine in your own story and refuse to hear him at all, that he just wants out.

I never instigated the drama, I was a victim of it. errs on the side of reaching out to him, showing him that I am not giving up, but imploring him to get help.

[RainyCoast]

nobody is a victim here. two able adults.

 

why do effects have to be ascribed to something beyond yourself (you are a victim of i don't know what in this story), and to something beyond himself (severe trauma)?

[iceclimbergirl]

Yes, I suppose I have spent so much time trying to rationalize his behavior that I reached some conclusions that were perhaps premature.

 

I love him dearly and I struggle a lot when I replay moments he asked me to "wait for him" or told me "I think I need help."

 

It's hard to just give up on someone who is so clearly in anguish but continually pushes you away. He even used some next level manipulation on me when he told me the occasions he is talking about our future together, and marrying me, and having kids "that's the raw me... that's what I want" implying that the pushing away portion of this delightful episode was somehow inauthentic. I suppose that's where I made deductions about this two-sided persona.

 

I am not too proud to admit that I am afraid I am about to give up on someone who, with just a little bit more time, a little bit more patience, would come to a place of peace with me.

 

Delusional thinking is where I am right now.

[Wiseman2]

He knows where to find you, yet doesn't want a relationship. Perhaps use this no contact time to reflect on the urge to mother and fix men rather than be in a partnership.

with just a little bit more time, a little bit more patience, would come to a place of peace with me.

[Jibralta]

Maybe the writer in you will appreciate this poem by Margaret Atwood, which describes this sort of situation rather well (in my opinion). It's called Siren Song.

 

This is the one song everyone

would like to learn: the song

that is irresistible:

the song that forces men

to leap overboard in squadrons

even though they see the beached skulls

the song nobody knows

because anyone who has heard it

is dead, and the others can’t remember.

Shall I tell you the secret

and if I do, will you get me

out of this bird suit?

I don’t enjoy it here

squatting on this island

looking picturesque and mythical

with these two feathery maniacs,

I don’t enjoy singing

this trio, fatal and valuable.

I will tell the secret to you,

to you, only to you.

Come closer. This song

is a cry for help: Help me!

Only you, only you can,

you are unique

at last. Alas

it is a boring song

but it works every time.

[iceclimbergirl]

He knows where to find you, yet doesn't want a relationship. Perhaps use this no contact time to reflect on the urge to mother and fix men rather than be in a partnership.

 

ooof... some real sh*t there.

[Hollyj]

Wow. Never thought I’d seek out the advice of the internet community. What a time to be alive. Here is our saga (it’s a good read, I swear):

 

Sparks notes version of background:

 

 

· We are both accomplished professionals, academics and extreme sport enthusiasts in our 30s; surprised we had so very much in common, fueled an intense connection

 

 

· I met him after moving to the US and ending a 9 year relationship, engagement

 

 

· We fell in love hard and fast; the term “Soulmate” bandied around

 

 

· He suffers from many physical ailments, and a wanderlust that sees him insistent on returning to dangerous three-letter agency contracting jobs

 

 

· I am a journalist based in New York

 

 

· I want travel, adventure, but also kids and a husband

 

 

· He said he wanted the same

 

 

After a year of bliss, I was blindsided in November when he decided to abruptly end things with me claiming he didn't think he was capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved. He was very anguished and told me he couldn’t believe he was ending it, but he just didn’t think he could handle the responsibility of a relationship. I spiraled into a deep mourning, the physiological effects of his loss were not akin to anything I have experienced.

 

 

He was finishing up with a contract in Jordan and was between jobs (still is) so when he came back begging for my forgiveness in December, I let him in slowly, believing that perhaps he was suffering from the subsequent emasculation that comes from being injured and essentially jobless.

 

 

Then he did it again.

 

 

This time I cut off contact.

 

 

But for a month he persistently courted me, promising me the love and commitment he had been unwilling to give.

 

 

I gave him another chance, as he vowed to come to New York as soon as he was done with physical rehab for an IED injury. But before then he wanted me to come and visit him.

 

 

So this weekend…

 

 

against my better judgment- but because I still adored him- I went to meet him at a beachside resort. It was romantic and passionate but I felt he was stalling again on verbally articulating the promises (family, marriage) he had been so willing to implore me with via text messages, emails and letters. At one point he became chocked up and said “how can a woman like you love me?...” he added “I have demons, a darkness, I don’t want anyone else to suffer because of them”.

 

 

Come Monday, out-of-the-blue he texted me to say:

 

 

"Did it feel different to you? Perhaps like we're on different paths?"

 

 

I lost my cool and ended it.

 

 

I told him I couldn't be lurched around anymore. I said “the most tragic part is not that you are incapable of giving me the love I deserve, it’s that you won’t.” I told him to leave me alone now.

 

 

He said he accepted it and did not want to hurt me anymore, but attributed it to "failure of critical communication" between us. He said his comments were not a reflection of his “intense love for me or his dedication to our future.”

 

 

Enter my internal conflict.

 

 

I ended it because I felt I had no choice. I had to save my dignity and self-respect. But ending it isn't at all what I want. Now I am in the normal physiological process of mourning and loss. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I feel as though my whole body aches. The thought of reaching out to him seems unthinkable to me and my pride, but all I want him to do is NOT accept it. To fight for me. To show up in New York and come through for me... am I crazy?

 

 

Is this man worth fighting for? Should I reach out?

 

He has shown and told you on three different occasions that he does not want a future with you. You need to listen. I'm sorry, but you should have blocked this guy after the first incident.

 

You must accept that this is who he is. Block and delete him, as this is how you will move on.

[RainyCoast]

He even used some next level manipulation on me when he told me the occasions he is talking about our future together, and marrying me, and having kids "that's the raw me... that's what I want" implying that the pushing away portion of this delightful episode was somehow inauthentic. I suppose that's where I made deductions about this two-sided persona.

yes. this can be deliberate or not. sometimes people want to identify with their potential. the gap between the ego ideal and their current level of achievement can induce shame. so it is tempting to embellish one's persona like that. "i'm not non-committal, not the real me." (i'm just not committing any time soon). but that's also telling you all you need to know. other times it is deliberate, when they are being called to responsibility. so "i'm not really the me who does the things you hate" is hoping you allow them to morally disengage from the behaviors that you don't accept. as an extension, you may conclude were you one to keep jumping hoops, he would commit. which is saying if i were better he would settle. that's a soul-killing level of introjection.

 

but what of it. you dated one entire man. not separate entities. he would continue to be like this.

 

in effect, all that matters is you repeatedly asked commitment, he kept coming back, and remained non-committal. your patience wouldn't change these things. likely, it would just encourage him to keep doing it.

 

he isn't stressing so much over the break-up, is he.

 

there is no intent to settle.

[Hollyj]

Wow! What a community, thank you for your prompt replies. I am incredibly grateful to all of you in this state of confusion.

 

A lot to think about.

 

I am a romantic and also a writer with a flair for the literary denouement. But when it comes to love, I want it simple and honest. Truly, I never instigated the drama, I was a victim of it. I need to stop being a victim in this I think.

 

Perhaps time to pull the plug, delete him from my social media and enact the no-contact rule many of you seem to preach. All this, of course, is not at all what I desire.

 

Interestingly, it was a resounding "stay away" from all of you, whereas the advice my friends give errs on the side of reaching out to him, showing him that I am not giving up, but imploring him to get help. I then find myself being a devil's advocate for this... much the same way I want to issue a rebuttal to most all of your points. A losing battle it seems.

 

You were not a "victim," as he told you that he was incapable. I agree with the attraction to the drama. You should have been done, long ago.

[Wiseman2]

This is pretty clear and succinct as well as kind, that he doesn't want marriage, kids, a relationship, etc. You will learn from future dating that not every guy who doesn't want marriage as soon as you do does not have to have serious defects to make that choice.

he texted me to say: "Perhaps like we're on different paths?"

[iceclimbergirl]

Can I just say, you guys are all kind of brilliant?

 

I was not at all expecting to find such enlightened and wise people. I have tears running down my face, but for the first time they aren't tears of misery. You guys have said things to me my friends would never. I needed to hear the following:

 

- I try to fix/mother men

- He has shown me who he is, I should believe him

- His unwillingness to sync himself with my desires is a legitimate decision

- My love isn't going to change a thing

- We're simply incompatible on some very fundamental levels

 

I will cut him off, and hope if he comes knocking again (as he has done time and time again) that I have enough strength and wisdom to close the door and lock it this time.

 

Thank you, you glorious human beings.

[Hollyj]

Block him!

[iceclimbergirl]

so "i'm not really the me who does the things you hate" is hoping you allow them to morally disengage from the behaviors that you don't accept.

 

but what of it. you dated one entire man. not separate entities. he would continue to be like this.

 

in effect, all that matters is you repeatedly asked commitment, he kept coming back, and remained non-committal. your patience wouldn't change these things. likely, it would just encourage him to keep doing it.

 

he isn't stressing so much over the break-up, is he.

 

there is no intent to settle.

 

This post... wow... just wow. How do I employ you as my therapist?

[boltnrun]

Like I've said before in response to others, I dated a guy who lied, cheated and hid things from me. I left him.

 

For FIVE YEARS he pursued me, trying to get me to give him another chance. Saying he hadn't realized what he'd had, that he really DID love me, etc.

 

I finally gave in and started dating him again.

 

Guess what he did? Lied, cheated and hid things from me!

 

His rationale? "Well, you knew what I was like and you came back anyway. So, you must like how I treat you."

 

I tried to be the coolest, most awesome, most understanding and most undemanding girlfriend ever, so he'd "realize" how wonderful I was and thus decide to settle down and commit to me. I told him I loved him.

 

His reaction? He continued what he'd been doing all along. Because, again, I stayed. And not only did I stay, but I told him I loved him!

 

No motivation to change at all...because I kept accepting all of his poor treatment and I said I loved him, so what exactly was it that was going to make him want to "change"????

 

So no, sticking around to "prove" you love and accept him will do nothing but make him believe that he doesn't HAVE to commit, because you'll stay even if he never does. And if you keep waiting around for him in between involvements, that proves to him that you value whatever he chooses to give you over your own well-being. Not exactly a strong basis for an equally committed relationship, is that?

 

I get it, you don't want to end it. But he's proven three times that he isn't interested in giving you what you want. Diagnosing him with whatever condition isn't going to change the fact that he is CHOOSING not to commit to you in the kind of relationship you want or need.

 

And like another poster said, just because someone chooses not to be with us doesn't make them ill or the victim of some kind of medical or mental or emotional disorder. I know it's easier to believe he really wants to be with you but "can't" due to this or that. But, again, believing he's ill doesn't change the outcome.

 

Best thing to do is to choose not to go back for round 4. Why put yourself through that? Don't be so busy looking in the rear view mirror that you miss what may be right in front of you.

[Hollyj]

This post... wow... just wow. How do I employ you as my therapist?

 

Rainy is brilliant!

[RainyCoast]

bah, you'll make this cold beotch cry too now.

 

sleep on it. it's a lot to process in a day.

 

you may oscillate between fictional hopeful scenarios and acceptance for a while. keep coming back if you need to focus, okay?

 

chin up. you did the right thing.

[RainyCoast]

This post... wow... just wow. How do I employ you as my therapist?

 

i would hire my ego ideal as my therapist too. the real me sucks ballz lmao.