Any advice / stories about healing and hope for the future?

[IsaacT]

Hey guys,

 

I've posted about this breakup a few times already but I think this is my first post about letting go and healing, rather than trying to salvage things.

 

My ex-girlfriend and I (20 and 22) went through a really messy split that was drawn out over a three-month 'break' where we were both constantly going back and forth, making mistakes and apologizing, etc.

 

The break was initially due to distance, but things became so toxic that we eventually had to let go. We agreed that this time was a full separation and not just a "break" but she said some final words along the lines of "I believe this can work one day, I still love you, let me know when you can change, etc." and we agreed not to talk for at least a month. I think leaving things open-ended like that has made moving on harder, but I'm not sure what can be done about it at this point.

 

In retrospect, the relationship was a case of "when it's good, it's REALLY good and when it's bad, it's REALLY bad."

 

We were together for about a year and it was without a doubt the most emotionally intense experience I've ever had. It was my first real relationship and I never knew that I could feel so cared about or invested in something. When things were good, she constantly told me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her, that she wanted to get married one day, etc. etc.

 

However, the relationship definitely had its toxic moments. From the beginning, we spent virtually all of our time together. When we weren't together, we would talk for hours every day. She had pretty severe depression, and when things became long distance, she would often call me sobbing and I would stop whatever I was doing. In response, I would occasionally find myself doing the same thing when I missed her.

 

We were both pretty possessive and I never fully trusted her because she would sometimes lie about little things. For me, trust was always really hard. Towards the end of the relationship, she repeatedly lied about being physical with someone else during the 'break'.

 

It's been two weeks since the breakup and I definitely haven't been handling it well. I'm temporarily living in a small town in a foreign country without a lot of distraction or support.

 

Right now, I'm still in a place where I'm scared of the possibility of never being so emotionally or physically drawn to someone again, and the thought of her being with someone else is still unbearable. I know that everyone says this, but I wish I could just stop caring. I also somehow have the feeling that she's doing better than I am.

 

Does anyone have any advice / stories about hope and getting over a relationship like this? Any input is really appreciated.

[gebaird]

"let me know when you can change"

 

It sounds like she is blaming you for everything that went wrong. Does she acknowledge her role in the toxic dysfunction that has plagued this relationship?

 

A friend of mine was in a similar situation -- dated a guy (who was later diagnosed with BPD) and said the exact thing you said -- that when it was good it was really good, but when it was bad it was awful. She too wondered if she would ever be so closely connected with someone again. Took her 18 months to recognize how toxic the situation had become and get herself out for good. Now she's dating a great -- and stable -- guy.

 

I'm glad you are reaching the point where you realize it might be time to let go (instead of just continuing to want and work towards reconciliation). That's a healthy step in your healing, and I agree with your assessment that drawing this out is just prolonging your healing. Instead of saying you'll talk in 30 days, just go full no contact and block her. If you're not strong enough to do that right now, tell her at the end of your 30 days no contact that you're done for good. If you keep going back to her, you'll just keep getting what you've been getting.

 

Some relationships are heaven and some are hell. When a relationship vacillates between the two, it's the worst hell of all, because you never know what to expect.

 

I know you still care for her, but if you care at all for yourself you'll let her go.

[Matt3939]

This is what sticks with me (let me know when you can change, etc) I've heard this. I'm sure you have problems with her no? I know I did with my ex and you describe a lot of the same things. I know it's hard now but once time goes by you can look from the outside not the inside. Don't worry about not feeling the same things in another relationship with another person. Look at it as it will be better and you won't have to go thru this heart ache again