I have been a truly awful person. Can I fix any of it?

[asimo]

Myself and my fiancé are in a really bad place at the moment and I really don't know what to door where to go from here. We've been together for two and a half years now. We bought our first home together. We also have a 4 month old son. She has been amazing. She's dug me out of several large holes and made all of my dreams come true. I on the other hand have been selfish, untrustworthy, a liar, disrespectful, generally an all round terrible person and I've done it over and over again.

 

Now she hates me.

 

Back story.

 

I was with my ex for two years, things broke down and she broke up with me. Three days later whilst out drowning my sorrows and looking for a rebound. I met someone who completely took me by surprise. She wasn't like anyone else I had ever met. We had much in common, similar views on things which were on occasion different but this only made it so we could have real discussions about things and better understand each other, similar taste in music and similar goals in life. How we started has always been a bit of a grey area, neither is bothered but worries too much that the other is. I get quite awkward when talking about it as I have often got time lines mixed up with the two relationships being so close together.

 

Things I have done and events that led me to this point:

 

The dating site:

A year into our relationship and we had hit a rough patch. We were both still living at home with her room being nothing more than a box we spent most nights at mine. After a while though this became quite distressing for her. Partly because she felt like she didn't belong anywhere and mainly because my room was still dotted with reminders of my ex. Because of the closeness of the two relationships, laziness and the fact I'm a bit of a hoarder I hadn't had the proper moving on and clearing out period of stuff. She thought that because these items were scattered around the room I was still in love with my ex, this wasn't the case however and I really wasn't sure most of the time what my OH was on about. One example would be there was a receipt my Oh had found from around the time of when me and my ex had started dating, sure enough it was from our first date but it wasn't that it had been kept, it was that it had been dumped, forgotten about and never cleared away. This arguing went on for a while (the explanation to me of the reminders happened latter on, you're going to find out through this that I'm actually quite dense) and at one point I assumed it was all over. In a moment of weakness I chose to run away from my problems and go on a dating site. I opened the front page, realised the error in what I was doing and closed it down. Later on she discovered that I had done this (she was using my phone and it sort of came up in the web browser, she wasn't snooping nor had any reason too). We argued it out and finally agreed to stay together as long as I never do anything like that again. Hence starts the serious trust issues.

 

Disrespectful words:

Many years ago and over the course of several years I had an on off friend with benefits. She got pregnant and had a baby. I had slept with her before and after pregnancy. I cant even remember if there was a difference from before to after but at the time I know I did think this. If you need clarification about what I'm saying just have a think about it. When my other half was about 6 or 7 months pregnant I told her of this. And from that second on wards she now worries constantly if I still enjoy sex, if she's good enough, if she's mutilated in someway, if she disgusting. And all because she give me a child. Way to go me, I destroyed a huge chunk of her self confidence that day and probably removed a chance of getting it back for the rest f her life. Not to mention how disrespectful it was to my friend.

 

In the house:

To her if I masturbate and/or look at porn in the house whilst she's home its massively disrespectful. It knocks her self confidence, make her feels sick and is a massive betrayal. (If I go off to do it that is, I'll explain in a bit). She had voiced this many times, I even actually agree with her. But still I did it. It was like an urge that I had to do. One day when she was 8 months pregnant and actually on the day of her baby shower we had initiated sex but she wasn't feeling it. She had offered to lend a hand or watch porn with me but I said no and then snuck of to the toilet to finish myself off. I essentially left our bed in our home whilst she was 8 months pregnant to go knock one out whilst looking at someone else. More self confidence torn away. There were also other instances. Many of which happened after I had said I'd never do it again and then she found out about those time and I said I'd never do it again... this continued on and on.

 

On my phone:

I had what I'll simply call here a porn stash saved on my phone. There were only two photos. She found out about this (it's actually what I used in the scenario above and she found out about it on that same day) and this really ticked her off. I essentially left our bed in our home whilst she was 8 months pregnant to go knock one out whilst looking at photos of other girls I had saved on my phone. I know what you're all thinking cheating bastard. I swear I hadn't cheated. One I got years ago had basically sent to me by someone, I don't remember who or when but it was ages ago. The other was sent to me by a mate (lads being lads "look at these" sort of thing). She took these photos as these are saved because they are my ideal women and as she was pregnant and had put on weight and the fear stated in "Disrespectful words". This was not the case. They weren't saved for any particular reason that I can think of. Oh look, more self confidence ripped away and burnt forever.

 

The proposal:

All she wanted was for one day someone to look at her and just say will you marry me. To just want her for who and all she was. Although I am that guy it took a bumpy road to get to the proposal. I wanted to do it right and fancy and to have a good story from it that she could fondly look back on. The way it actually happened is that we argued about it so much I asked her even though she begged me not to and then she said yes. So now she thinks I only proposed because she backed me into a corner and that's the only way she'll ever see it. I knew she was the one I love her and am amazed by every single part of her mind, body and soul how could I not want to marry her and spend the rest of my days standing by her side? But it happened that way. Relationship tainted.

 

The wedding:

We have a date for next year. We also have most of it planned. She seemed so excited by the planning of it. She seemed excited for how we were going to do it and how good a day it would be. Turns out she was doing all that for me and she can't think of anything worse than just being the center of attention. Now I'm the bad guy because I didn't just say lets elope and get it over and done with. So with this one it's a bit unclear who is entirely at fault but it's essentially a communication problem. She feels like I always just dismiss her and I feel that she doesn't actually ask for what she wants.

 

Buying the house:

So this was a nightmare. I got some money off of my parents to put towards a deposit for a house but they wanted to approve of it first. My OH HATED THIS WITH MURDEROUS PASSION, she hated the whole process so much she wants to move already. I'm up for it due to misinformation about catchment areas for local schools and I'm not really in love with the house anymore and when we can afford it I think we should. But she feels like I wasn't on her side whilst we were looking to buy because I was stuck in between the two. My parents weren't really great about it TBH. My other half and her parents would get excited about a house, as would I and they would dismiss it for really stupid reasons. They practically had the final say on everything. It stole from us the experience of buying our first house together. Relationship tainted some more.

 

The ex and my emotionally idiotic self.

"It's perfectly normal to always have something left after a relationship, especially if it was your first love. There will always be something there. And that's fine". As long as during a particularly long and heated argument convince yourself you might still have feelings for the previously mentioned ex and then tell your OH of over two years, mother of your child and future wife this then she'll never forgive you and hate you forever. It's a longer tory than this and afterwards whilst talking she explained the bit in quotation marks to me and it all made sense. But still, it lingers in her mind. I don't blame her for this I'm just angry at myself.

 

There is probably something I've forgotten but you get the picture.

 

And now we're here. She hates me. I've stripped her of all of her confidence. She's financially trapped as she only had a part time job before she went on maternity/left university and can't afford her own place. She feels alone all day every day. Feels like she can't talk to anyone but me (who she hates). She doesn't know if she'll be able to get a job anywhere and earn enough to leave. Neither of us can afford to run the house on our own and raise a baby. She still loves me, I know she does. I don't know why but she does. She also wants us to stay together for our baby. I don't deserve forgiveness for what I have done. I've gone too far time and time again.

 

We still love each other. She deserves to be happy.

 

How do I help her be happy again? (Obviously, stop be a horrible person to start).

 

Thanks for reading.

[SherrySher]

Would you and she consider counselling together at this point?

You have a son, so that makes sense to try and as well have invested so much in each other.

[RainyCoast]

dude. there were two people here.

 

Not like she didn't have choices all this time. wants to buy her own home- well she should've. if she couldn't have, practice gratitude to have gotten one nevertheless. wanted a guy who won't mention his ex? don't pick 'em up when they're drinking their sorrow for the ex away. wants to not be replaced sexually during the pregnancy- get creative. wants more say in the wedding, say so, make arrangements for what she would like and decline the suggestion to get married in any other way. and you forced the engagement on her? really? how? you didn't say yes for her. she's financially trapped and not filing for benefits and subsidized housing or moving back in with her parents? tough.

 

please. you made mistakes, some were pretty dense yeah. is she her own person, does no responsibility fall on her??

 

i am going to get seriously flamed for how this sounds but ya know

 

sitting around not doing anything, accepting men in situations that threaten her, accepting a proposal and house not to her liking, then blaming you and your parents who brought this passive dumbo everything on a platter for not giving the princess exactly what she wanted....well she's free to decline and put some effort into making the kind of life for herself she would like.

 

what a joke.

 

you can't make this woman happy, you can't live for her. you guys can take counseling together and see if that gives her some semblance of responsibility, but in any event, hold off the wedding.

[nutbrownhare]

Would you and she consider counselling together at this point?

You have a son, so that makes sense to try and as well have invested so much in each other.

 

This ^^^. It seems that most of your problems ultimately stem from breakdowns in communication.

[Viceroy]

I don't think you've been terrible, just need to work on some behavioral issues. The porn thing is normal, can definitely see her point of view though. Just keep in mind that the women on there are fantasy women, not really real (so to speak).

 

Both of you would benefit from counseling, it will give you a good road map of what's been going on and where to go from here

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Are you still going through with the marriage? You both need to get into couples/premarital counselling if you plan to stay together.

We've been together for two and a half years now. We bought our first home together. We also have a 4 month old son. She's financially trapped as she only had a part time job before she went on maternity/left university and can't afford her own place. She doesn't know if she'll be able to get a job anywhere and earn enough to leave. She also wants us to stay together for our baby.

[DancingFool]

dude. there were two people here.

 

Not like she didn't have choices all this time. wants to buy her own home- well she should've. if she couldn't have, practice gratitude to have gotten one nevertheless. wanted a guy who won't mention his ex? don't pick 'em up when they're drinking their sorrow for the ex away. wants to not be replaced sexually during the pregnancy- get creative. wants more say in the wedding, say so, make arrangements for what she would like and decline the suggestion to get married in any other way. and you forced the engagement on her? really? how? you didn't say yes for her. she's financially trapped and not filing for benefits and subsidized housing or moving back in with her parents? tough.

 

please. you made mistakes, some were pretty dense yeah. is she her own person, does no responsibility fall on her??

 

i am going to get seriously flamed for how this sounds but ya know

 

sitting around not doing anything, accepting men in situations that threaten her, accepting a proposal and house not to her liking, then blaming you and your parents who brought this passive dumbo everything on a platter for not giving the princess exactly what she wanted....well she's free to decline and put some effort into making the kind of life for herself she would like.

 

what a joke.

 

you can't make this woman happy, you can't live for her. you guys can take counseling together and see if that gives her some semblance of responsibility, but in any event, hold off the wedding.

 

^This pretty much says it all.

 

Princess needs a major reality check and needs to start acting like a grown woman, taking responsibility for herself and her decisions and choices. You are not responsible for her happiness, she is. You literally can't make another person happy, you don't have that kind of power. At least not in this universe. You also didn't make her insecure, she IS and has always been insecure and quite a control freak as well, which is typical for very insecure people.

 

Other than that, I'll just echo everyone else, since you have a child together, you need to be in counseling together and individually as well. You both need to learn personal responsibility and healthy boundaries in and outside of your relationship. Your fiance desperately needs to work on her insecurities and overall attitude issues - her behavior in this relationship has been atrocious and that's putting it politely.