My best friend has completely cut off everyone to please his girlfriend? Advice?

[suzy931]

"Max" let's say, is an international student and in summary, we became very close, platonic best friends years ago. He was like a brother to me and we often shared our struggles and time together. At the start of 2016, he met "Ana" online who lives about 10 hours away, and fell for her. I was so happy for him, but in the summer, he told me she's on welfare though she's able to work, is a single mom but her kid was taken away after she attempted suicide, has a 9th grade education with no plans to go back, is a constant cigarette and weed smoker, and has an array of mental illnesses for which she takes plenty of pills. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for a hard worker like him, but he insisted that since he was already 25, he was probably never going to find another girl who liked him (this was his big insecurity), and since she was his first girlfriend, he had to make it work.

 

I first noticed a change was when I texted him in August about my brother's accident and him not waking up in the hospital, to which he never replied. I assumed he somehow misread it. Later, I asked him what's up, again ignored. I assumed he was busy with studies. A month later, I texted him a grammar correction from his LinkedIn invite, while asking how he's doing. He only said "thanks!" I said I hope he's well, but no answer. A little angry, I didn't text him until New Years for a countdown invite. He texted "who's this?" and it hurt, but I thought maybe he just got a new phone. He then asked me "what's up" on facebook. I told him about my recent break up etc. He replied with "so dynamic." I was upset, then noticed he had deleted me, and nearly all our friends. I confronted him, and he apologized saying his girlfriend isn't comfortable with many of his friends (though none of us have met her). He said she doesn't trust him, and that it hurt to also cut off anyone who disapproved of the relationship. He told me he hates himself, and wasn't sure if this was all a good decision. I tried hard to tell him that if she really loved him, she wouldn't want to change him. He seemed to agree, but didn't actually budge on his choice to stick by her side, despite their rocky relationship.

 

Curiously, I visited Ana's public facebook, and noticed a video of her and Max. In it, she gets very angry over silly things. I.e. : "Look at this cute toy I made, if you screw it up Max, I will chop off your ////" etc. I thought it was a weird joke, but then she smashed her baby kitten into the wall behind her because it pissed her off trying to get to the toy. I also found it heartbreaking that Max has almost no friends anymore, while Ana posts photos with many guys, panty shots, explicit selfies, and intimate statuses like "I can't believe my 'boyfriend' refuses to let me blow him in public!" Not only is that illegal, but worse, her own mom commented "don't worry, your dad was shy his first time too " I mean... what! I am still shocked. In short, that girl is insane, and so is her family. She's unstable and controlling.

 

My last message to him said I hope he finds happiness. He has since completely disappeared. At this point, only time can help. I'm deeply hurt that he threw away so many long term and meaningful friendships for a girl he met barely a year ago. I'm not sure how to get over this. I can't hang out with other friends right now because I'm studying for a very important exam, and I'm very saddened and disappointed. All those years I was there for him and helped him, completely abandoned. I feel so dumb. I wish I would've realized things when he never answered my text about my brother. It just seems to me like he moved on way back then, while I blindly continued to pursue a friendship that no longer existed. It's so hard to forgive someone who would do this, but I also really miss him. Does anyone have any advice on how to forget him and move on, and what to say/do if he does return some day?

[jujusamples]

I know you are hurt right now, I would be as well. One thing I've learnt and realized is that, friends do come and go. It is out of your control on whether he wants to be friends or not. As hard as it is, you just have to let him be.

 

I know his girlfriend has many issues, but he's with her for a reason. He might see something in her that other's don't. I learnt the hard way not to interfere with my friends relationships. If they asked for my advice than I will give it to them. I would not give my opinion (if not asked) because in a lot of cases, it interferes with the friendship. The friend will almost always go with their love interest over the friend.

 

I'm really sorry, you are in so much pain over this. The only thing could do really, is hope for the best with your friend and continue on with life. There will be other friends. Don't feel dumb or stupid, it's your friend's lost not yours. He chose to take this road, and whatever his reasons are, you just have to respect that. Try not to think too much into it, you didn't do anything wrong, and you certainty can not control the situation. You just have to let it be and over time, you will get over it.

 

If he reached out to you one day? I'd say that's your call, you should worry about that when the time comes. Right now, just worry about getting over the friendship and just accepting it as it is.

 

To be honest, there is really nothing to forgive because he didn't do anything to you. He just disappeared on the surface of the earth but he didn't cheat on you, he didn't abuse you, he didn't really do anything wrong. He just made the decision to be with his girlfriend and cut all contact with his friends. It happens to me all the time, to the point where I just understand now. Point is, you can't control what he does, you can only control your self.

[suzy931]

I know you are hurt right now, I would be as well. One thing I've learnt and realized is that, friends do come and go. It is out of your control on whether he wants to be friends or not. As hard as it is, you just have to let him be.

 

I know his girlfriend has many issues, but he's with her for a reason. He might see something in her that other's don't. I learnt the hard way not to interfere with my friends relationships. If they asked for my advice than I will give it to them. I would not give my opinion (if not asked) because in a lot of cases, it interferes with the friendship. The friend will almost always go with their love interest over the friend.

 

I'm really sorry, you are in so much pain over this. The only thing could do really, is hope for the best with your friend and continue on with life. There will be other friends. Don't feel dumb or stupid, it's your friend's lost not yours. He chose to take this road, and whatever his reasons are, you just have to respect that. Try not to think too much into it, you didn't do anything wrong, and you certainty can not control the situation. You just have to let it be and over time, you will get over it.

 

If he reached out to you one day? I'd say that's your call, you should worry about that when the time comes. Right now, just worry about getting over the friendship and just accepting it as it is.

 

To be honest, there is really nothing to forgive because he didn't do anything to you. He just disappeared on the surface of the earth but he didn't cheat on you, he didn't abuse you, he didn't really do anything wrong. He just made the decision to be with his girlfriend and cut all contact with his friends. It happens to me all the time, to the point where I just understand now. Point is, you can't control what he does, you can only control your self.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. It's really difficult for me since we were best friends. I'm so glad that like you suggested, I only offered my opinion to him when he asked me or wanted to talk about it, so it's great to hear that it was a good idea to not interfere. I'm just letting them be. Thanks for your kind words, I hope I feel better soon. There is only one thing I disagree with, and that is the forgiveness part. He did do something to me, he emotionally hurt me by abandoning me and ignoring me so many times when I would reach out to him or when I was going through something painful. Ditching a dear friend in that manner, is wrong to me. It's very hurtful for anyone to do that, and disrespectful especially without any explanation, let alone coming from your best friend. He also knows this, which is why he apologized.

[RainyCoast]

Did i read that right. She

SMASHED

A

KITTEN

into a wall?!

 

 

Your friend is probably ashamed and hopeless that he cant exit an unhealthy and likely abusive relationship.

If he comes back when this ends dramatically, he will probably tell you more of what happened. I would expect him to be changed by the experience.

 

I don't know if this will ever be the same, but you can assess that whrn he is done with her. The sooner the better.

[RainyCoast]

Who hits KITTENS?!

[jujusamples]

Thank you so much for your reply. It's really difficult for me since we were best friends. I'm so glad that like you suggested, I only offered my opinion to him when he asked me or wanted to talk about it, so it's great to hear that it was a good idea to not interfere. I'm just letting them be. Thanks for your kind words, I hope I feel better soon. There is only one thing I disagree with, and that is the forgiveness part. He did do something to me, he emotionally hurt me by abandoning me and ignoring me so many times when I would reach out to him or when I was going through something painful. Ditching a dear friend in that manner, is wrong to me. It's very hurtful for anyone to do that, and disrespectful especially without any explanation, let alone coming from your best friend. He also knows this, which is why he apologized.

 

I know it's hurtful when you are going through a difficult time that your friend isn't there for you. He's your best friend, yes, but like I said, he chose to cut everyone out of his life. It's hurtful and wrong, but he didn't do anything.

 

When I first went into group therapy for depression, I had the same mind set as you. When we are discussing our stories, I keep saying, this person made me feel this way, this person hurt me, this person is that because they ignored me and so on. Every time I started my sentences with "this person made me" I would get corrected by the therapist right away. She will always remind that me that "NO ONE" could make you feel a certain way. Only YOU could make you feel that way. I understand you feel that way because you value the friendship, but unfortunately he doesn't. He's your friend, he doesn't owe it to you to HAVE to be there for you whenever you have a crisis. That's when you kind of re-evaluate the friendship. Is this person a good friend or not? In your case, he's just not a good friend, but he didn't do anything other than go missing. This is just a case of a one-sided friendship, he's not reciprocating. If he was your boyfriend, I would say, dump him but he's just a friend. It happens, trust me. As I got older, I probably have 1-2 people that I considered my true friend. You know why because throughout the years, those people were there for me. Point is, there was a ton that went missing. I was hurt before but learn to accept, sometimes that's just part of life. It's out of your control.

 

Also, what you just reply to me with should answer your own question in regards to if he calls you! He's obviously not a good friend.

[jujusamples]

Who hits KITTENS?!

 

That's very disturbing as I read that as well but I wanted to give her advice on her friendship. There's nothing she could say or do about the kittens because he's ignoring her and not answering her texts at all. He cut everyone out of his life.

[nutbrownhare]

Did i read that right. She

SMASHED

A

KITTEN

into a wall?!

 

This ^^^. I'm now worried for the sanity of the guy who's sticking by her!

 

OP. There's nothing you can do. Literally nothing. Try not to look at anything connected with her/them because it'll only **** you off.

[SherrySher]

I've been in a similar situation only it was a close cousin of mine.

What can you do? Absolutely nothing,... and yes, I know it's frustrating and upsetting to not only lose the friendship but to know that their partner is a nutcase and is bad for them.

I chose to still be there fo my cousin when and if she got a hold of me. It was few and far between and I missed her greatly, but I wasn't willing to close the door either.

It really is a personal choice.

[j.man]

My hope is that your first reaction to seeing a publicly posted video of a cat being abused was to contact the authorities rather than to come on here with this.

[RainyCoast]

yeah the animal abuse thing you report.

 

he will go psycho there, and like SS said, it'll be a highly personal choice whether you'll want to be there for him as he picks himself up from the experience. you will know whether you want to or not when you see the aftermath.

 

i would suspect there are interesting abusive maneuvers at play in that relationship.

 

if it were me, i'd leave him with a short text saying if things ever get really dangerous this is the number to a place i trust. i wouldn't contact him from there on.

[suzy931]

Did i read that right. She

SMASHED

A

KITTEN

into a wall?!

 

 

Your friend is probably ashamed and hopeless that he cant exit an unhealthy and likely abusive relationship.

If he comes back when this ends dramatically, he will probably tell you more of what happened. I would expect him to be changed by the experience.

 

I don't know if this will ever be the same, but you can assess that whrn he is done with her. The sooner the better.

 

 

Thank you! Yes, she smashed the kitten... I can't get it out of my head ahh. Thanks for your feedback! x

[suzy931]

My hope is that your first reaction to seeing a publicly posted video of a cat being abused was to contact the authorities rather than to come on here with this.

 

I'm writing about this quite a few weeks after the fact, thanks for your wise words lol.

[RainyCoast]

you can file those reports anonymously. fake email, link to video, include snaphots in case she deletes the vid.

 

Evil Psycho Beotch. i'm enraged just reading that. hope she BURNS. IN. HELL.

[suzy931]

yeah the animal abuse thing you report.

 

he will go psycho there, and like SS said, it'll be a highly personal choice whether you'll want to be there for him as he picks himself up from the experience. you will know whether you want to or not when you see the aftermath.

 

i would suspect there are interesting abusive maneuvers at play in that relationship.

 

if it were me, i'd leave him with a short text saying if things ever get really dangerous this is the number to a place i trust. i wouldn't contact him from there on.

 

Thank you, very good advice. I won't contact him again.

[suzy931]

I know it's hurtful when you are going through a difficult time that your friend isn't there for you. He's your best friend, yes, but like I said, he chose to cut everyone out of his life. It's hurtful and wrong, but he didn't do anything.

 

When I first went into group therapy for depression, I had the same mind set as you. When we are discussing our stories, I keep saying, this person made me feel this way, this person hurt me, this person is that because they ignored me and so on. Every time I started my sentences with "this person made me" I would get corrected by the therapist right away. She will always remind that me that "NO ONE" could make you feel a certain way. Only YOU could make you feel that way. I understand you feel that way because you value the friendship, but unfortunately he doesn't. He's your friend, he doesn't owe it to you to HAVE to be there for you whenever you have a crisis. That's when you kind of re-evaluate the friendship. Is this person a good friend or not? In your case, he's just not a good friend, but he didn't do anything other than go missing. This is just a case of a one-sided friendship, he's not reciprocating. If he was your boyfriend, I would say, dump him but he's just a friend. It happens, trust me. As I got older, I probably have 1-2 people that I considered my true friend. You know why because throughout the years, those people were there for me. Point is, there was a ton that went missing. I was hurt before but learn to accept, sometimes that's just part of life. It's out of your control.

 

Also, what you just reply to me with should answer your own question in regards to if he calls you! He's obviously not a good friend.

 

Thank you so much for sharing that with me, I really appreciate it. I guess I'm just really mad that he did that, and it translates to all kinds of bad feelings. You're right.

[suzy931]

Who hits KITTENS?!

 

I know, right? She has gotten in plenty of trouble lately with the government and law, hopefully she doesn't do it again. Sad to see an old friend be with someone like that... just makes me worry

[MissCanuck]

OP, one of my oldest and closest friends has recently cut me out of her life for quite similar reasons.

 

She and I had been best friends for 30 years. (We are both nearly 36 now) She went through a bad divorce a few years ago and of course, I supported her all the way through it.

 

Then she met a very strange guy, who also came with a boatload of past drug use, mental issues and seemed to be dating her for questionable reasons. I voiced my concerns, particularly given the fact that she has small children who were around this man. And you know what? She just stopped contacting me completely. Disappeared for a few solid months.

 

I had no choice but to let her go. It was awful, but clearly she didn't want me around and didn't want to acknowledge the very valid concerns a lot of people raised about her new guy. She came back around, cap in hand, a few months ago to apologize and try to mend that bridge. But she was even further into the relationship with him and couldn't give me any reason to believe she wouldn't go MIA again on me.

 

I thanked her for her apology but that was essentially the end of it. I really don't have an interest in trying to be her friend anymore when she so quickly walked away from me. I see now that we have grown into two very different people and the fact that she willingly overlooks her now-fiance's shady traits says a lot about her. I cannot have that in my life.

 

My advice? Let him go. He, like my friend, is an adult and a willing participant in the relationship. Yes, it will hurt and you will be sad for a while. But there's nothing more you can do.

 

Also - REPORT THAT VIDEO. Please, don't sit on your laurels and "hope" she doesn't do it again. You have a responsibility to report this.

[Matt3939]

As someone in a similar situation to your friend. There's something wrong with her obviously. My ex was jelious. This happened slowely. The alienation She would always find something she didn't like with any of my friends. Some I didn't talk to anymore. Some I refused cause I've known them for 20+ years and who is she. But still a lot less. It's not healthy at all. Only he can help himself. All you can do till he wakes up is hit him up every now and again. Keep it short "hay how are you ect" nothing mad.

[suzy931]

As someone in a similar situation to your friend. There's something wrong with her obviously. My ex was jelious. This happened slowely. The alienation She would always find something she didn't like with any of my friends. Some I didn't talk to anymore. Some I refused cause I've known them for 20+ years and who is she. But still a lot less. It's not healthy at all. Only he can help himself. All you can do till he wakes up is hit him up every now and again. Keep it short "hay how are you ect" nothing mad.

 

Thank you for sharing, how long did it take you to get out of that relationship? And were you able to save your old friendships after?

[suzy931]

OP, one of my oldest and closest friends has recently cut me out of her life for quite similar reasons.

 

She and I had been best friends for 30 years. (We are both nearly 36 now) She went through a bad divorce a few years ago and of course, I supported her all the way through it.

 

Then she met a very strange guy, who also came with a boatload of past drug use, mental issues and seemed to be dating her for questionable reasons. I voiced my concerns, particularly given the fact that she has small children who were around this man. And you know what? She just stopped contacting me completely. Disappeared for a few solid months.

 

I had no choice but to let her go. It was awful, but clearly she didn't want me around and didn't want to acknowledge the very valid concerns a lot of people raised about her new guy. She came back around, cap in hand, a few months ago to apologize and try to mend that bridge. But she was even further into the relationship with him and couldn't give me any reason to believe she wouldn't go MIA again on me.

 

I thanked her for her apology but that was essentially the end of it. I really don't have an interest in trying to be her friend anymore when she so quickly walked away from me. I see now that we have grown into two very different people and the fact that she willingly overlooks her now-fiance's shady traits says a lot about her. I cannot have that in my life.

 

My advice? Let him go. He, like my friend, is an adult and a willing participant in the relationship. Yes, it will hurt and you will be sad for a while. But there's nothing more you can do.

 

Also - REPORT THAT VIDEO. Please, don't sit on your laurels and "hope" she doesn't do it again. You have a responsibility to report this.

 

Thank you. Roughly how long did it take her to come back to you and apologize? And how long did it take for you to get over her completely? It seems so similar to my situation. I'm sorry to hear about it, that's so sad, I honestly can't believe people these things sometimes... let alone good old friends.

 

Side note: that video was taken care of. I meant I hope she doesn't do it again as in regardless of the consequences from this time.

[suzy931]

This ^^^. I'm now worried for the sanity of the guy who's sticking by her!

 

OP. There's nothing you can do. Literally nothing. Try not to look at anything connected with her/them because it'll only **** you off.

 

I actually needed to hear/read that. I guess it was hard for me to accept that I can't do anything to make it better, but it's also a relief to know that I tried my best and there's nothing I can do anymore. I did what I could. Thanks you.

[Matt3939]

OP took about 4 years. Yes I didn't loose any of my relationships but some actually thought I was dead I was told. Just so you might understand a bit where he might be coming from. Though this lady sounds even worse. She is getting total control. She's probably taking up all his time. She sees others as a threat so she will start fights. He feels bad and tries to keep the peace cause she is right there and times could be fine when she is in a decent mood. If this lady has any contact with his friends or family she might act totally normal and they might actually like her and never suspect what's going on. Example I'd get crap for going to see my parents. She said I was out cheating. Another I found an article online. I thought it was funny I sent it to my friend. I deleted the text cause it was crude but innocent also. 3 days later he replies (lol) out of no where. She takes this as I called him and we were discussing hookers and I shouldn't talk to this guy anymore. It's so insaine. Nothing you can do he will have to learn for himself he might be going thru hell.

[Wiseman2]

Keep in mind, he's involved with all this on his own choice. He can decide to distance himself from you and get involved with someone you disapprove of if he wants.

 

Also if you have time for his friendship, scanning her social media etc., then you have time to make new and a better class of friends and find better things to do with your time.

 

Why not get involved more in school, clubs, groups, sports, volunteering, etc where you would meet better friends and not waste your time gawking in horror at this guy's gf's social media..

I can't hang out with other friends right now because I'm studying for a very important exam

[suzy931]

OP took about 4 years. Yes I didn't loose any of my relationships but some actually thought I was dead I was told. Just so you might understand a bit where he might be coming from. Though this lady sounds even worse. She is getting total control. She's probably taking up all his time. She sees others as a threat so she will start fights. He feels bad and tries to keep the peace cause she is right there and times could be fine when she is in a decent mood. If this lady has any contact with his friends or family she might act totally normal and they might actually like her and never suspect what's going on. Example I'd get crap for going to see my parents. She said I was out cheating. Another I found an article online. I thought it was funny I sent it to my friend. I deleted the text cause it was crude but innocent also. 3 days later he replies (lol) out of no where. She takes this as I called him and we were discussing hookers and I shouldn't talk to this guy anymore. It's so insaine. Nothing you can do he will have to learn for himself he might be going thru hell.

 

Wow, that's so crazy. Thanks for sharing, I'm glad you finally got out of that situation. Hopefully my friend will too some day.