Lonely and crippled. How to let go of the hope?

[bluefields]

We broke up in Sep of 2014. I caved in and contacted him after 9 months of NC. I just needed him back in my life at the time, in any capacity. I was alone and lonely and weak and broken. And I sought strength from him, as he once used to give me. He was not interested in getting back together so we decided to be friends thereon. We spoke infrequently over the phone after that and met once every month or so, most of the times, with other friends. I always knew he was no longer interested in getting back together after that torturous break up but my hopes never died.

 

Fast forward to Sep of 2016 and on one of the nights when we met, we ended up sleeping together. Key to note we hadn't ever done that while we were together two years ago. More details here:

 

 

 

I tried calling him the day after sleeping together but he was busy and then he never called back until one month later. Over the next two and half months, we kept meeting and continued with the FWB. I finally told him I still loved him and he said he did too but somehow, we never ended up being in a relationship. Two weeks ago, he told me he didn't believe me when I said I was still in love with him. He told me I was mistaken. I was confusing something else for love. And I asked him to let me know if he ever changed his mind.

 

I've been unable to get over him. We've been broken up for two years, four months now and we were only together for two years. I know it isn't normal to grieve the loss of an ex for this long. Will I never get over him? I live in a different city far away from him. But I keep hoping he will turn up here. I keep thinking that if he had any feelings for me, he would not let go of the chance to be with me. He may doubt me when I say I love him, but isn't it worth the risk to try again if that means he could be with the one he says he loves? If he's wrong in doubting me, he gains a lot. If he's right, he loses nothing. But he's unwilling to even try because he is supposedly convinced I'm mistaken about my own feelings. Sounds like classic offence as means of defense? He seems to be blaming me for not knowing my own mind, but I think maybe he's the one who doesn't know what his own feelings for me are.

 

I live away from my family. I don't have any friends and I spend most of my free time alone, cooped up at home, thinking about him. When I can distract myself with movies or youtube or netflix or work, I feel okay. But when that movie or work assignment ends, I feel crippled with sadness and disappointment. But my hope never dies. I keep hoping and waiting for him to change his mind. To want me back. To make a grand gesture that would tell me how much he loves me and that he wants to be with me. But I know in reality, he moved on a long time ago. I must sound pathetic but I want to make it clear that I don't ever harass him at these times. I keep my distance unless he tries to get in touch.

 

How can I get over this pain? How can I let go of the hope?

 

I guess I'm not really looking for an answer to that... I know the advice I can expect... Get involved in activities, read, take up classes, make new friends, stop meeting him, block him, date other people... I tried all that... maybe not hard enough but I tried. I guess I'm just looking for a sympathetic ear to hear me out and tell me I'll be okay.

[SherrySher]

You broke up with him, correct? and then you let him know that you were dating and slept with someone else, correct?

I'm just making sure my facts are right.

But why I was wondering about those two things is, why break up with him in the first place and why let him know that there was another man?

It must have been very painful for him. This perhaps is why he is saying you don't know your own feelings.

 

Have you asked him straight out if he would get back together with you?

[jujusamples]

You broke up with him, correct? and then you let him know that you were dating and slept with someone else, correct?

I'm just making sure my facts are right.

But why I was wondering about those two things is, why break up with him in the first place and why let him know that there was another man?

It must have been very painful for him. This perhaps is why he is saying you don't know your own feelings.

 

Have you asked him straight out if he would get back together with you?

 

If this is correct, the damaged is already been done! The whole point to N/C is to get over the person, mentally and emotionally. You can't do no contact in hopes that things will change and you will get back together. If you are still thinking about and feeling that deeply about him after 9 months of no contact, there is something wrong. Have you considered counselling?

 

I do believe that some people take longer than others to get over a relationship but after 9 months, I think it's sufficient time to move on with life. Sure, you might still have feelings for him but not still thinking of him all the time? Which lead me to say, you weren't ready to be in contact with him again. Sex does change everything. It will mess with you emotionally, except this time, it's going to hurt much more.

 

The choice is yours but if I was you, I'd talk to a counselor, get some counselling and start N/C all over. This time, I will totally go no contact as in, if he pops in my mind, I will distract myself until I get over it! I probably won't see this man again, because it will just be a vicious cycle.

[No1]

I think you are co-dependent, insecure, in denial, you want to re-live the past and afraid of moving forward or fearful of the future.

 

I also think there is a lot more to this. You don't handle loss very well. Cant let go of the past and you completely rely on someone else to make you happy or reliant on them to make you feel anything. Without your X, you don't know what to do, how to feel, where to go. Just lost.

 

It all starts with you. I don't think once you have said that its over. You are sitting on the same rock as you have been for years waiting for prince charming to proclaim his love and devotion for you. Its not going to happen and its going to be hard for you to being to move forward without standing up.

 

A trip to a counselor would be what I would suggest. Help you transition..

[Wiseman2]

From your other thread is this the guy you met up with for trysts hoping for more?

 

Particularly since he was not in a relationship with you for years and your attempts to "seduce him finally and rekindle things" only turned out to be hookups at a hotel when you were in town..

 

Unfortunately this amount of ruminating and obsessing doesn't sound healthy, do you go to therapy for that? Agree you are not trying hard enough to move on, heal or date others.

Get involved in activities, read, take up classes, make new friends, stop meeting him, block him, date other people... I tried all that... maybe not hard enough but I tried.

[evad1]

Unless you'll go to therapy you'll have to deal with this on your own. You have a problem and you'll have to accept this its going to hurt. This is going to hurt like hell. Nothing you did to deserve this cry all you need to but don't contact him. It might hurt for a very long time but don't stop growing and eventually you'll grow into your own. You'll look back and be like hey that wasn't so hard. Good luck and keep growing. ]

[rtyu4567]

I would also suggest therapy. In your title you admitted you were lonely and crippled. Sometimes we have to make a firm decision and surrender and begin saving ourselves. In my fourth month of bu I realized that I could not do it alone, that I needed help and so I reach out to a therapist I'm glad I did. It ain't easy, actually it can be painful as hell. Acceptance is key. In my case I had to accept it was over, point blank, no idolizing, no fantazing, no romanticizing, nc. I had to make a choice to love myself more. After a while I had to stop and ask myself, what is wrong with me that I can not move forward and continue to stay in contact? I had to make it about me, not him, not us, ME. It also can help when we give ourselves worth and believe we deserve it, for example....for myself, I know I am worthy of much more than crumbs, and hanging around my home just thinking and obsessing over him 24 hours a day, there is a life to live and there are other's to care and love, that need us. I have found that for some including myself, moving forward and changing the state of mind can be just too much too handle, so therapy can help along with admitting something is wrong and making a decision to make a change.