Feeling Like a Tattle Tale?

[heartbroken84]

I ended communication with an on and off again friend tonight.

 

Long story short, I was interested in my friend's friend, Bob. When I asked my friend about Bob her response was that he was boring and breath smelled of vagina. It was a joke, but it made me feel uncomfortable about Bob.

 

Bob continues to chat with me and we get closer. I told Bob reason why I was avoiding getting close was because of a comment and Bob kept pressing me about the comment. So I shared it with him and he asked who said that he had vaginal breath. When I released the name of our mutual friend he got upset and stopped communicating with her. I too ceased communication with her and we drifted apart for a couple months.

 

A couple days ago, I reached out and mentioned that I missed her, she was sweet, kind, warm. I gave her a call to catch up and she mentioned that wondered why Bob has stopped talking to her. She asked if I had mentioned that vaginal breath comment to him. I was caught off guard and stupidly said yes ...when I should have said I don't know. She then asked me to apologize for telling her secret. We ended the conversation.

 

Tonight she messaged and told me that her and Bob were going to clear the air. It kind of angered me because she only spoke to me to get verbal confirmation that I shared the vaginal comment so that she could make amends with Bob. She said sorry to Bob and Bob misses her so they're going to be friends again. I told her that she owed an apology to me. That she should not share negative comments that make me feel uncomfortable and how disrespectful she has been to me. And how she always thinks she's right and I have to apologize. I told her that I'm smart, have two degrees (one in counseling), and I go to therapy so I can see both sides of the story but that she says many offensive things about people to me. She said that two degrees and therapy don't do much when I don't have common sense and compassion.

 

I blew up after that comment...another offensive mean things to say! So I told her that she's basically rude and mean and that while I had fun with her that this is not going to work out and that I'm sure she agrees.

 

I could be part manic right now, but what an evening. I feel like crap again Why do I always get thrown under the bus - I guess that's what I get for being a tattle tale. I just don't appreciate when people get away with saying negative things about mutual friends and how she made me feel less attracted to Bob by her lewd comment.

[SherrySher]

You handled this badly.

[SherrySher]

Sorry, but you caused all of this. Your friend shared a comment about Bob that was between you and she, you had no right to be running and telling Bob, except to stir the pot. Nothing good was going to come out of telling Bob, was there?

And you upset Bob and then caused a fight between him and the friend, then the friend was upset with you when she found out you told Bob, and she had a right to be. She should be able to make personal comments (even if they aren't what you deem as nice) without the threat of you going and telling the person!

Then you get more angry because she should not share negative comments and so on, ....when it was YOU who caused this whole storm in the first place, now you're gonna lay down the law on top of it!?

 

You're lucky if either of them stay friends with you.

[heartbroken84]

I suppose you're right. It was my silly mistake to have said yes, she caught me off guard. She questioned me in a sweet soft voice to get me to confess. So she wins. And they win.

 

I don't really wish to be friends with this person nor Bob as he just wanted to have a casual relationship and used me to gather information.

[SherrySher]

The thing is, that hopefully you will learn should this ever happen again, if your friend is saying things that you don't like or don't approve of and it's making you uncomfortable, stop being friends with them. No need to try and fix the situation or them, just walk away.

As for Bob, that was another situation that hopefully you will learn from, he was her friend first and even if she had been offensive, he was going to remain her friend and you'd more than likely get burnt.

This is one of those situations where you would have done yourself a favour in just walking away once you found out that she was someone who spoke badly of her friends.

You handled it wrong, and yes it made you look bad, but we all learn from our mistakes.

[heartbroken84]

Thank you, I really appreciate your comment. I'm so embarassed but I often have trouble with interpersonal communication with friends. Especially, groups of friends that know eachother. Its hard when people say negative things about others behind their backs and often feel that I need to share so they can clear the air. But that puts me at risk of looking bad when I just want people to know when someone is speaking ill of them. So they can be careful not to share things with this kind of a person. I know I will lose people with my approach. And yes, last year she said something with the implication that I was easy - just because I happened to have a one night stand that I regretted. Rather than sympathize she shamed me. She's made many offensive comments, but she doesn't see that she's being rude. She just says things they way she wants often in a hurtful tone. The only reason why I wanted her friendship is that she makes you feel like her best friend and then when shes moody or upset she disappears. Or she won't come to an outing if certain people are there or if we plan a party she wants to invite only certain people. I wanted to try to be just surface level friend cause she does have many positive traits and very artistic.

 

You're so right on with Bob and her being friends first. If anything I helped them get closer and bond - and view me negatively. YES! I told her I can't be the person that she jokes meanly about people with. I'm really easygoing, but not going to let her take advantage of me and use me to vent her negative mean comments or jokes about mutual friends. It only took me 1.5 years, but I can't be in a toxic relationship even though she is fun to be around when she doesn't take about people I know in a poor manner.

 

At least Bob wasn't anyone I really wanted to be friends with, he sort of started ignoring me once I told him I didn't want to sleep with him casually.

 

Eh, life, mistakes, people.

[j.man]

Tonight she messaged and told me that her and Bob were going to clear the air. It kind of angered me because she only spoke to me to get verbal confirmation that I shared the vaginal comment so that she could make amends with Bob. She said sorry to Bob and Bob misses her so they're going to be friends again. I told her that she owed an apology to me. That she should not share negative comments that make me feel uncomfortable and how disrespectful she has been to me. And how she always thinks she's right and I have to apologize. I told her that I'm smart, have two degrees (one in counseling), and I go to therapy so I can see both sides of the story but that she says many offensive things about people to me. She said that two degrees and therapy don't do much when I don't have common sense and compassion.

Sounds like your friend told it like it is. May have been better if she said "use" rather than "have," but the fact remains. And what do the two degrees have to do with anything? I'll take a wild guess and assume she doesn't have one or has "only" one.

 

She said she found him boring and that his breath smelled bad. These are both things you could trust or verify for yourself, not take license to hurtfully say to someone's face because someone else made an off color comment completely in private.

[nutbrownhare]

I told her that I'm smart, have two degrees (one in counseling), and I go to therapy so I can see both sides of the story but that she says many offensive things about people to me. She said that two degrees and therapy don't do much when I don't have common sense and compassion.

 

I blew up after that comment...another offensive mean things to say!

 

Erm... when we really blow up after someone's made a derogatory comment about us, it bears closer examination because there's often an element of truth in it.

 

For someone with a degree in counselling, you show a remarkable lack of insight. Sharing unpleasant things that others have said about someone, with that person, is the emotional equivalent of food poisoning. Your friend doesn't owe you anything; she didn't "make" you feel less attracted to Bob - that's a decision you made for yourself. Many people don't like being around people who gossip and say unpleasant things about others, and the fact that you chose not only to remain friends with her but to spread the negative stuff is nobody's responsibility but your own.

 

As for your statement "Why do I always get thrown under the bus?"... again, "always" statements can be quite revealing as a clue to the kind of situations we set ourselves up in. Being a Victim like this is a role.

 

If you can put on your counsellor's hat and re-read your post as if a stranger had written it, it should tell you everything you need to know....

[nutbrownhare]

Its hard when people say negative things about others behind their backs and often feel that I need to share so they can clear the air. But that puts me at risk of looking bad when I just want people to know when someone is speaking ill of them.

 

EXACTLY. YOUR needs are being served by sharing all this negative stuff and gossip. And look where it gets you!

 

People say stupid things. They say things for effect, or to make themselves look witty. Most of the time they don't mean it and it'll be forgotten... that is, unless someone like yourself carefully preserves it and then presents it to the person concerned, completely out of context. Have you ever asked yourself why you want people to know when someone's speaking ill of them? Do you REALLY think it's going to help them clear the air? Especially when what was said in the first place was pretty meaningless to begin with!

 

There are people around who say quite malicious things about their close friends, sure. They're the kind of people you need to keep a discreet distance from; you certainly shouldn't be getting involved.

[Wiseman2]

You shouldn't share negative comments either. Spreading rumors and talking trash about people is never cool.

 

What was your reason to tell Bob about her comment? To hurt him, her or their friendship?

she should not share negative comments that make me feel uncomfortable and how disrespectful she has been to me.