plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 This is my second time posting and things are a lot better than the last time I posted on here. I've come into a committed relationship with a wonderful man and yet I find that the events from a prior relationship were I wasn't deemed "good enough" for the other person still haunts me. There is a woman from my boyfriend's past that I can't seem to stop obsessing over. He had told me that things hadn't worked out between them (obviously) and that they were just friends now and that that was all he wanted from it but something in me is fearful that he secretly wants the other woman. Reason being this girl is nothing like me and so a part of me often questions how he could want someone like me after having someone like her. He has done nothing to warrant my suspicions at all but the thought that they could still be communicating (they are fb friends) drives me crazy to the point where I find myself on her profile combing through it constantly. We have a very open and honest line of communication but I know that if I don't do something about this obsession I could ruin potentially the best relationship I've ever had. Hoping to gain some insight/advice. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Is she his ex girlfriend or ex crush? Who turned down who? Link to comment
evad1 Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 This is my second time posting and things are a lot better than the last time I posted on here. I've come into a committed relationship with a wonderful man and yet I find that the events from a prior relationship were I wasn't deemed "good enough" for the other person still haunts me. There is a woman from my boyfriend's past that I can't seem to stop obsessing over. He had told me that things hadn't worked out between them (obviously) and that they were just friends now and that that was all he wanted from it but something in me is fearful that he secretly wants the other woman. Reason being this girl is nothing like me and so a part of me often questions how he could want someone like me after having someone like her. He has done nothing to warrant my suspicions at all but the thought that they could still be communicating (they are fb friends) drives me crazy to the point where I find myself on her profile combing through it constantly. We have a very open and honest line of communication but I know that if I don't do something about this obsession I could ruin potentially the best relationship I've ever had. Hoping to gain some insight/advice. I can see why you would obsess over that. You should talk to him. People do use rebounds all of the time. If it's going to destroy you mentally you should leave while it's still early or stay but continue to work on yourself. I'm just assuming she's really pretty. Looks aren't everything hun. It's nice to be able to say I have a bigger brain. ] Link to comment
electricorchid Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Girl, try not to obsess because always try to remember that there was always a particular reason as to why it didnt work out between the two of them. And in relationship that happens A LOT of the time, guys see that it didnt work out with a particular type of girl so they meet someone whose completely the opposite and like that better. Be confident in yourself, in who you are, and what you have to offer and stick to that. Whether the girl was gorgeous and he makes her seem extroidinary, again, they ended for a reason. if you're THAT concerned they still talk, I suggest you ask him and just let him know that friends with ex's are (most cases) myths. They are very rare and not very smart. Let him know what you're comfortable with and what youre not. Link to comment
Matt3939 Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Ive went to pretty extreme opposites with woman types. I wouldn't worry about it. If he shows you he likes you who cares about his past. I know easier said then done I never want to see a pic of a previous partner. I think it's pretty normal to size yourself up. Just think about it though. If you have a great new partner do you even think about an ex in that way anymore? I dont Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Is she his ex girlfriend or ex crush? Who turned down who? Neither. They had messed around for a time and then stopped because my boyfriend is the type of guy who can't sustain a physical relationship if he doesn't care for that person. They ended up reconnecting again a while after, while he was going through a break up so they have an emotional connection from that. A part of me is threatened by this because in his relationship before me he had been cheated on and he has been struggling with opening up to me. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Please do not discuss this with him. Have you met her? I think you may to speak to someone regarding your insecurities. Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 I can see why you would obsess over that. You should talk to him. People do use rebounds all of the time. If it's going to destroy you mentally you should leave while it's still early or stay but continue to work on yourself. I'm just assuming she's really pretty. Looks aren't everything hun. It's nice to be able to say I have a bigger brain. ] It's not just about her being really pretty. She works as an adult entertainer so she's really comfortable with her body and shows it in her social media. I've always felt more awkward honestly and that's also what eats up at me. Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Girl, try not to obsess because always try to remember that there was always a particular reason as to why it didnt work out between the two of them. And in relationship that happens A LOT of the time, guys see that it didnt work out with a particular type of girl so they meet someone whose completely the opposite and like that better. Be confident in yourself, in who you are, and what you have to offer and stick to that. Whether the girl was gorgeous and he makes her seem extroidinary, again, they ended for a reason. if you're THAT concerned they still talk, I suggest you ask him and just let him know that friends with ex's are (most cases) myths. They are very rare and not very smart. Let him know what you're comfortable with and what youre not. I've tried to comfort myself with thoughts like that. I've also told myself that if they were to do something there would be nothing I could control except how I myself handled the aftermath of my own feelings and actions. I know that if he wanted to be with her he would be but knowing that and dealing with my irrational fears is a whole nother thing. Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 No I haven't met her. Speak to someone... professionally? Because everyone I've talked to have told me that I had nothing to worry about. Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Please do not discuss this with him. Have you met her? I think you may to speak to someone regarding your insecurities. No I haven't met her. Speak to someone... professionally? Because everyone I've talked to have told me that I had nothing to worry about. Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Ive went to pretty extreme opposites with woman types. I wouldn't worry about it. If he shows you he likes you who cares about his past. I know easier said then done I never want to see a pic of a previous partner. I think it's pretty normal to size yourself up. Just think about it though. If you have a great new partner do you even think about an ex in that way anymore? I dont He does show me all the time. He is the most affectionate guy I've been with. He makes an effort to remind me everyday how beautiful I am and all of that good stuff which is why I want to get over this obsession I have before I ruin a good thing. I feel like part of it is a 'too good to be true' type of mentality. And no I don't- I don't have any feelings for anyone from my past. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 No I haven't met her. Speak to someone... professionally? Because everyone I've talked to have told me that I had nothing to worry about. I think if you are obsessing and so insecure, there is something wrong, here. Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 I think if you are obsessing and so insecure, there is something wrong, here. I've already stated in my original post where that is coming from. Link to comment
jujusamples Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 @OP, this problem is more common than you think, it's just most people don't obsess over it. Everyone has a little bit of jealousy, especially when it comes to your partner's ex. I've been in that situation before. After that being said, it's one thing to be a little bit jealous, but if it's taking over your relationship, than it's a problem. That is what happened to me. I hated the feeling, but I was feeling that way with whomever I was dating. I of course went to get some counseling. I decided, I can't live the rest of my life comparing and obsessing over my partner's ex. A therapist really helped me sort out some issues and someone whom I could openly talk with. He helped twist my negative thinking around and reason with myself. You just have to realize, that's his ex for a reason. Sure, he may have somewhat of a connection with her. (she's his ex) but he's now with you. He is with you because he wants to be, not because someone stuck a gun to his head and said, you must date her or else! When those jealous obsessive emotions hits you, just try to reason with yourself. Tell yourself, why your boyfriend is with you? He really doesn't have to be? If you keep this obsessive jealousy up, you know what, he will no longer want to be with you. You want your relationship to be current, not about the past. Also, has your boyfriend done anything for you to think this way? Probably not, he probably just told you about his past girlfriends. As humans, we tend to sometimes sabotage the good things we have. You must really like this guy, but you are subconsciously sabotaging your relationship with him. I bet you are now wondering why? Well, it probably has to do with some underlying issues you may have. If you dig deep you will get to the bottom of it. Once you do, it feels so good to set it free! A therapist will certainly help you work them out. My therapist really helped me. Good luck. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 I see it a little differently. From what you tell, she's an adult entertainer who he has hooked up with on numerous occasions and keeps in contact with 'as a friend'. He has had troubles opening up to you, and claims this is because of an ex cheating on him. Ok so, myself personally, I do not see that as a person who is doing his best to prime the way for a serious partner to develop a sense of security into. Your personal issues of personal security within yourself is one thing. The environment in which he helps create for this relationship is another. Can you seperate them to know for yourself that this isn't about this woman? It's about the two of you - are you comfortable to trust this man, are you compatible, does he bring what you need to the table? This situation would be a deal breaker for me, and I consider myself to be quite secure in my own self and what I want. I wouldn't writhe to be comfortable with something I am not . Your own choices are your own - if you think he's worth it, and you truly do not have a problem with his choices, that's fine. But I don't think it's crazy to simply not like these boundaries either. Link to comment
jujusamples Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Sorry, had to delete this, I thought there is a previous posts (which there is) but it's a different guy and different relationship. Link to comment
jujusamples Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 I see it a little differently. From what you tell, she's an adult entertainer who he has hooked up with on numerous occasions and keeps in contact with 'as a friend'. He has had troubles opening up to you, and claims this is because of an ex cheating on him. Ok so, myself personally, I do not see that as a person who is doing his best to prime the way for a serious partner to develop a sense of security into. Your personal issues of personal security within yourself is one thing. The environment in which he helps create for this relationship is another. Can you seperate them to know for yourself that this isn't about this woman? It's about the two of you - are you comfortable to trust this man, are you compatible, does he bring what you need to the table? This situation would be a deal breaker for me, and I consider myself to be quite secure in my own self and what I want. I wouldn't writhe to be comfortable with something I am not . Your own choices are your own - if you think he's worth it, and you truly do not have a problem with his choices, that's fine. But I don't think it's crazy to simply not like these boundaries either. I"m confused, isn't the adult entertainer his ex girlfriend? Didn't the OP also state that her boyfriend "did NOT" do anything to warrant her suspicion? That's why I thought there's a previous post, but she did state she posted previously, but a different relationship which she was "deemed not good enough" which left her to feel this way about this new boyfriend? Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 I"m confused, isn't the adult entertainer his ex girlfriend? Didn't the OP also state that her boyfriend "did NOT" do anything to warrant her suspicion? That's why I thought there's a previous post, but she did state she posted previously, but a different relationship which she was "deemed not good enough" which left her to feel this way about this new boyfriend? He was never official with the adult entertainer. After her, he was with someone else and then they reconnected again after that. He was then with his last ex before me. I hope this clarifies things. @_@ Link to comment
jayjayjay Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 I've been in a similar situation, only thing I can say is, if you trust him and you guys really are open and honest, you need to get over it. I know that sounds harsh, but the guy is with you isn't he? He obliviously sees something in you that he likes otherwise he'd be with her Link to comment
jujusamples Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 He was never official with the adult entertainer. After her, he was with someone else and then they reconnected again after that. He was then with his last ex before me. I hope this clarifies things. @_@ Oh I C... Well then my advice would have to change. I now could see why you are obsessing over her. She's his friend with benefits? She's his filler, as in (in between relationships) she's someone he would call to hook up with? Well I agree with @withallgrand just said. I was confused, I should have read through the whole thread. Sorry I was just responding to what I read in your original posts. It didn't mention all of that. Does he still talk to her or are they just FB friends? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 I missed stuff, too. Is he in contact with her? Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Oh I C... Well then my advice would have to change. I now could see why you are obsessing over her. She's his friend with benefits? She's his filler, as in (in between relationships) she's someone he would call to hook up with? Well I agree with @withallgrand just said. I was confused, I should have read through the whole thread. Sorry I was just responding to what I read in your original posts. It didn't mention all of that. Does he still talk to her or are they just FB friends? The first time she was brought up was because he had made this post referencing a song that he directly tagged her in. They then further communicated in the comments at first him just thanking her for introducing him to the artist and then her suggesting they have a music sesh and her telling him he would be back soon and her telling him "she would be here". The backstory here is that my s/o is in the military and we got serious shortly before he got deployed. Throughout the whole time he's been away its been a struggle to reach him emotionally since with his last gf she had cheated on him WHILE he was away and he's told me that while they are out there on the field its hard to open up. I was hurt that he would be making plans with some girl that I didnt even know when he came back and it wasnt until I combed through her profile that I realized she was the entertainer he had mentioned to me in passing during the early dating stages of our relationship. When I asked him if this girl knew I was his gf he told me that if she didnt he would tell her and that he hadnt really talked to her at all in a long time- like before he had started dating me. As for whether he is in frequent communication with her presently I dont know. As far as I do know they are only fb friends. Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 I missed stuff, too. Is he in contact with her? As far as I know no he isnt. He could be for all I know and thats part of what's eating away at me. Link to comment
plainjane314 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 I tried to stick to the main points of how I was feeling in my original post so sorry if there is missing information! Link to comment
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