IsaacT Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Hey guys, My girlfriend and I (20 and 22) went though a breakup about two weeks ago that followed a three-month "temporary break" that made things really messy. The details about the breakup can be found in my other recent posts if you're curious. Long story short, she hooked up with someone else during the break when we agreed not to see other people, then changed her story multiple times. I hounded for the details about what happened, then said I forgave her but clearly couldn't let it go. After changing her story a number of times, she absolutely insisted that the truth was as follows: she randomly met this guy in her building, he asked to go upstairs with her and she impulsively agreed. She then just kissed him and went a little further, then regretted it. I really didn't believe I had the full story, so I did something really stupid... I looked at her messages with this guy on her phone and found what I was afraid of: Not only did she directly invite him over, but they were flirting about the idea of him coming over two weeks before we broke up. I didn't tell her that I saw the messages or that I knew, but I continued to hound her for details, wanting her to tell me the truth. She became unbelievably frustrated and we agreed to break up; she insisted that it was my fault because I "couldn't learn to trust her or let things go". She said it was my responsibility to let her know when I had "changed enough" to make the relationship work. I'm done with the relationship, but we agreed to not talk for at least a month and left things sort of open-ended. I want to tell her I saw the texts so incredibly badly, because it kills me that she walked away from the breakup with the upper hand, fully believing it was "my fault". She fully believes she did nothing wrong and that the cause of the breakup was my unwillingness to trust her. I should also mention that I snooped once before in the past and immediately told her about it. It was a HORRIBLE ordeal; we went weeks without talking and she told me I was controlling and distrusting. Any advice is much appreciated.
JaggerJim Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 No you have the upper hand. She can yell, scream accuse you of not trusting - but you seen the texts. She's a full blown liar. You know the truth and you should have let her know, that you know she's a liar. Are you keeping that truth to yourself about finding the texts, so you can reconcile in the future. Why? She's a liar.
Matt3939 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 No one has the upper hand dealing with this now. My ex no way if get with her again. But I know she's with someone giving the same bs as she did me and it hurts. Eventually as screwed up as it sounds im happy it was her and not me that did something first though it hurts. I'd say I only had to deal with this once btw. If you break up with someone there free to do whatever. The problem is when they lie about what went down. Or if you had an agreement then that's a problem.
RainyCoast Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 She didn't walk away convinced she was right and you were distrustful. She knows she was hoeing around behind your back and she chose to not only lie, but accuse you of being the cause of the break up. Listen man, she cheats on you and then has the nerve to accuse you. I would never call this pathetic excuse for a woman again. If she calls you, tell her you are above wasting your time on a pathetic cheap liar and block her. I would block her now in fact. There is no need to regain any power here, she already knows what she did was low. That's why she was consciously projecting.
RainyCoast Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Btw. Not saying lower yourself to her level.......but If you can resist a final cu*t joke before you block, you have more virtue than i'll ever care to develop.
Wiseman2 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Isaac, in the court of relationships this is no right/wrong, whose fault, etc. there is only he said/she said.
reinventmyself Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 it appears you are wrestling with your next move? Nothing. Block, delete. She lied, you snooped to find out and now you are on a break again? No one has the upper hand unless you convince yourself of it. Lose/lose here. I don't know how you fix this. She can't undo the lie and you can't undo knowing the truth. If you attempt to return you will forever be with someone who wasn't forthcoming when asked. she insisted that it was my fault because I "couldn't learn to trust her or let things go". She said it was my responsibility to let her know when I had "changed enough" to make the relationship work. . . not to mention condescending. Pretty slick move considering she's hiding something and wants to flip you on the matt and make this all about you. This is NOT someone you can negotiate with.
RainyCoast Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Op what did you say when she played saint and accused you? I'm sorry for the visceral wording- i am down with my bad but efficient self tonight- but are you on a diet of hoe s***? I'm picturing myself in your shoes and this lying cheating b dare unleash her judgement on me, it is insanely digusting and i would have no qualms telling her she is a joke and to get out. What is that reinvent says about a break?? Are you seriously on a break? What do you expect, to exteact anything decent from her? Be done with this lowlife son.
reinventmyself Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 What is that reinvent says about a break?? Are you seriously on a break? What do you expect, to exteact anything decent from her? Be done with this lowlife son. ""I'm done with the relationship, but we agreed to not talk for at least a month and left things sort of open-ended."" Break-ish?
RainyCoast Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Oh lookie, it is break-ish. Why would you do that man.
evad1 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Btw. Not saying lower yourself to her level.......but If you can resist a final cu*t joke before you block, you have more virtue than i'll ever care to develop. Definitely block that woman. Better hurting now then later. ].
catfeeder Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I'd switch my focus to viewing myself with the upper hand. She knows what she did, she just doesn't know 'how' you found out. Well? Do you really want to admit to reverting to your own slimey behavior? Skip that. Take what you did to your grave, and skip planning another 'talk'. There's nothing she can say to change what she did, and the only conceivable outcome is that she'll keep gaslighting you into feeling like a worm until you confess to acting like one in response to her refusal to admit that she's one. What does that buy you? Admitting to snooping will only confirm her accusations that YOU can't be trusted, either. Spare yourself that drama, and let the chips lie. None of those are worth picking up again, as they'll only bring you humiliation and a deeper hole to climb out of. Start your climb now, and overcome the lesser evil.
IsaacT Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 Thanks for all the feedback, guys. I guess I left things open-ended because, in the moment, I was legitimately gaslighted into believing it was my fault. I even called her a few days later and asked if we were letting go forever or just taking another rebuilding period. She said "I need you to be able to live with uncertainty" and said we should take at least a month without talking for us both to "heal". From her side of the story: 1. It wasn't cheating because we were't together. 2. She eventually told me the truth (At least she thinks I believe I have the truth) 3. I hounded her for details about what happened for weeks, i.e. I'm controlling and possessive. Now I'm really regretting leaving things open-ended and letting her tell me that I need to "live with uncertainty." At this point, would it be better to: 1. Send her a text saying I've had time to think and I know things are over, but I need to permanently close the door in order to be able to fully move on, 2. Do and say nothing, just let time pass / move on?
Wiseman2 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 It would be best to learn relationship and communication skills in general. Ego-driven things like who's fault, who's right,etc. will guarantee you a life of headaches and nonsense conflicts. This obsession with who's right, who's fault, etc. thinking is a courtroom strategy and will get you nowhere in a relationship. Ever. You need to learn how to disagree appropriately in the future and not turn everything into this overblown ww3 drama. Learn that everyone has their perception, opinion, feelings and version of the events.
IsaacT Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 "You need to learn how to disagree appropriately in the future and not turn everything into this overblown ww3 drama. Learn that everyone has their perception, opinion, feelings and version of the events." Very wise words. I have to admit that part of me realizes how unproductive it is to be obsessed with figuring out who's more right/wrong. But after such an intense relationship that both of us really believed was going to last, it's hard not to ruminate and want to feel justified. Maybe my situation isn't the best example, but don't you also believe that there are certain situations in which the burden of reconciling / admitting fault clearly falls more on one person than the other?
catfeeder Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Maybe my situation isn't the best example, but don't you also believe that there are certain situations in which the burden of reconciling / admitting fault clearly falls more on one person than the other? Picking that won't buy you anything. She did what she did, she's not trustworthy, and there isn't anything she can say to undo that. Her position is to turn it all back on you, so she's not even trying to compensate for it. So what's the point in drilling anymore?
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