2600degrees Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 hi all, Been a while since I've been on this forum. eNotalone helped me a lot a few years back...I'm in need of some place to vent, and get some advice. My wife and I have been married for coming up on five years. Its the 2nd marriage for both of us. In the last year, she's really lost interest in sex (with me). Generally, she's been more of a "taker" than a "giver", and I've worked with that because I'm a HUGE giver in the bedroom, it's a big turn on to please her, but that is starting to really take a nose dive. Here are a few facts: - Last year she had a friend over and the three of us had a few drinks...during which her and her friend went OFF on how much women hate giving oral. When she does do this with me she will for about 4 minutes, then quit. She never talks about liking it or that it turns her on, etc. Okay... not her thing. - She has pretty much gotten into this pattern of asking me what I want in bed, then not agreeing to anything I want (and I'm not talking about extreme stuff...more like like new positions, things like that) - Foreplay has gotten longer, and longer and longer.... Now don't get me wrong, I love it, but even I can't keep an erection for 45 minutes to a hour w/o getting any real stimulation for myself. Again, all about getting her going. Then...she complains that I'm not intimate enough and just want to go straight to sex (which I've told her is bull...we' probably had an hour of snuggling and wine on the couch before this). - For the last 6 months, this foreplay has more often that now led to...her having an orgasm, then her telling me she's just too dry to have vaginal sex...then she cuddles and goes to sleep. There I lay. - She a "blamer" What have I done: - She had legit complaints last year that we just weren't spending enough quality time together and we'd gotten too busy...I've been trying really hard to change that, and have been spending more time together, talking, eating out, sipping wine in front of the fire, taking a trip to San Fran and wine country. It's all real...I really do love this woman. (although the next week she spent a long weekend with her friends in New Mexico and the first thing she told me on the phone was "how much more fun she'd had with her friends" than in San Fran....argh). - I DON'T go off nights with my friends and ignore her. I cook dinner 1/2 the nights of the week. I share all the chores around the house like laundry, bathroom cleanups, dishes, vacuuming, etc.) - I used to call her after work to hear her voice, make plans for dinner, etc. but that irritates her so I stopped doing that. I'm frustrated. I'm not a slug. I stay fit, I'm a giving lover, I care about her future....I don't know what the she wants anymore, and basically, I don't know what women want anymore. I feel like I'm not perfect, but that I'm a good hubby. I'm calling for a marriage counselor today.
happyfrank Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Did she want to take trip to San Francisco wine country?
Wolfshook Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 " I DON'T go off nights with my friends ", you should start. Some researches say that men who spend time with their friends at least once a week are in general more happy and have happier marriages. Try to stop being around her so much,from what I've read here I noticed that you go long ways trying to please her,and are always around. While in imagination that sounds nice and romantic, try to imagine your favourite pet being beneath your legs where ever you go, it gets boring with time. Get a hobby that makes you get out of house,and let her some chance to take "rest" off of you and chance to miss you a bit.
RainyCoast Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 i have no answer other than i would stop jumping hoops to please her. she's beyond demanding and selfish. like, no words. hope counseling helps.
gebaird Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Marriage counseling is a good idea. Often when there are problems in the bedroom, there is a root cause outside the bedroom. So sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you are making an effort.
Wiseman2 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Sorry to hear this. Marriage counselling is a great idea. It seems she's getting selfish, no? Last year she had a friend over and the three of us had a few drinks...during which her and her friend went OFF on how much women hate giving oral. - Foreplay has gotten longer, and longer and longer....Then...she complains that I'm not intimate enough and just want to go straight to sex. I'm calling for a marriage counselor today.
2600degrees Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 I do that...guitar lessons every Thursday, and a get together with friends about once every couple weeks. More often maybe? I hear what you are saying. Frankly, for all the frustration between the two of us on sex lately(and broken expectations, etc.), I'm about ready to shut the "love making" down until we get counseling. It might be better for our marriage.
happyfrank Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Yes she did. That's great. Based on what you have stated. Sounds like your very clingy in the relationship. You need some good quality guy time so she can miss you.
2600degrees Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 I don't know...I feel that way sometimes, but her family has this "blaming" streak in them. When she doesn't like where a conversation is going, she washes her hands for any shared blame and throws me under the bus. My personality takes this pretty hard, and I call "bull" and really get angry. In the end though, I start feeling like it's my fault in some way...which isn't fair to myself. I'll take blame on things, but not all of it. She hates it when I say things like "its a two way street".
2600degrees Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 I don't feel I'm really clingy...I encourage her to go out and get time for herself...but my best friends are an hour+ away, and I dont' get to spend much time with them. YOu give good advice though.
fitgirl Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I would ask her to write down her needs in the marriage, and you write down yours. Maybe her needs aren't being met and obviously yours aren't. Having these things in writing can help you both meet each other's needs.
lostandhurt Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 You are trying which is a good thing but she simply isn't seeing it or doesn't care about your feelings. Personally I think it is the latter. Have you discussed the marriage counselor with her? If you haven't you need to. If you just make an appointment and then tell her she will dig her heels in and not go especially if she never takes responsibility for her actions and is a "blamer" like you said. Include her in the solution so she feels empowered to make things better instead of being on the defensive. I hate to give you doom and gloom but you need to be prepared for what is to come. She may refuse to see a counselor. (what will you do then?) She may go and totally throw you under the bus and not take any advice from the therapist and blame you for the way she feels. (then what will you do?) These types of selfish blamers hardly ever admit they have done anything wrong so be prepared. Don't decide yet but you need to decide if you are willing to keep living like this. Lastly her behavior is not your fault. Have you changed or has she? That usually answers the question... Lost
2600degrees Posted February 15, 2017 Author Posted February 15, 2017 We've got two counseling sessions scheduled now, but she is very reluctant to ask for time off for these (they are an hour each. One at 4PM end of March and the other at 2PM at the end of April). She has been on board with going, but now seems reluctant to fight for the time at work. We'll see what happens. I think...I have another post on this I need to submit, about spouses, partners and insults, because that is a thing between the two of us too. She has almost no filter when it comes to just laying into me, and I have not tolerance for being insulted for things unfairly. I'll post separately on this one. Maybe the counseling will get us to communicate better. I'm starting to lose interest lately as well (in making love) with the negative stuff between us. Thanks again everyone for the responses.
KantSleep Posted February 17, 2017 Posted February 17, 2017 "For the last 6 months, this foreplay has more often that now led to...her having an orgasm, then her telling me she's just too dry to have vaginal sex...then she cuddles and goes to sleep. There I lay." Sorry, but this is inexcusable. I would never do that to my partner. That, coupled with her lack of interest in oral. What's in it for you? Not right.
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