My Ex Wants My Blessing

[FooledAgain]

Sometimes break ups should happen. Sometimes love just ain't enough. Sometimes its the most selfless act in the world to let them go. Sometimes you even have to encourage your ex to go, even when the tears are flooding from your eyes and your heart is breaking and you feel like you will never find another precious princess like that one.

 

Here is my story. Those of you who dislike age gap relationships will not understand. Some cultures have a prejudice against May December relationships (unless its with Jack Nicholson - then it seems to be OK). 3 years and one month ago, a beautiful, flamboyant young 18 year old set her sights on me and decided to flirt with me. I know the game, I was 58. I teased her a bit and then told her she was too young and she should go find a youngster to play with. She was so mad because I would not give her my phone number. So after we went our separate ways she spent days tracking me down on FaceBook through friends of friends until she found me. One thing led to another and eventually I could not say No any more. She was determined to be with me and I was getting very attracted to her.

 

Fast forward through 2 and 1/2 years and the relationship just kept getting better and better except that I would not marry her until she was 22. I kept explaining that she was too young to make that commitment because age gap relationships are hard. So one day she went to a party, got drunk and had a weekend fling. It hurt but we got through it as well as any couple does. It just meant the age gap hit home because she had a fling with a guy closer to her own age.

 

9 months of working on the relationship and suddenly she leaves me. Its over. I was right. She left me for a younger man. Pain. Tears. Begging. Realization that I have grown to love her more than I ever thought possible. Thoughts that I should have married her to prove my love. Feelings of abandonment. Betrayal. Believing that everything she did was lying and cheating on me and that she was the worst devil . . and yet through all this I wanted her back.

 

Then today we have a chat on messenger. She wants me to listen to things from her side. She explains she is in turmoil. With me she had little in material things. So many people think that young girls are with older men for the money but she and I have always been aware that a young man with a good job has quadruple the money I have on my small pension. But with me we had extreme love. I was like her husband and her daddy and her best friend and mentor all rolled into one and she was the counterpart of that for me. She explained that this young guy "swept her off her feet" with gifts of IPhone and buying her some land to build a house on and promising marriage and children and taking her to a new country. All the things that I could not offer because of my age and finances. All the things she dreamt of BECAUSE I had taught her how to dream and she learned to dream big. He convinced her that she should be with someone her own age and not with Grandpa and his brother and parents chimed in that they would help him "rescue her". The one thing he cannot do for her is get her to fall in love with him. He is trying to buy her because he cannot win her. Her heart still belongs to me and she is in turmoil.

 

So she is coming back to see me and talk tomorrow. She wants to talk to me about giving my blessing to move on with this guy. He has given her everything she always wanted in material things. She likes him and thinks that is enough. She thinks she can learn to love him if I let her go and tell her its OK. She is signing over our house to me because she is with a richer guy now and I need the house more than she does. She is willing to stay if I convince her that the love we have is better than the new life she thinks she wants. She is confused. I am confused. I dearly want her back. I have one more chance to fight for her if I take it But I think I'm going to let her go and my heart is breaking and the tears are flowing but I think I need to get them out now because i need to be strong enough to let her go. If i try to keep he she will never go on the adventures of youth that she can have by leaving now. If I keep her a prisoner of my heart then we are both prisoners.

 

I think and I hope that I love her enough to let her go. BUT IT HURTS!.

 

Please tell me its the right thing to do.

[SherrySher]

Yes, it's the right thing to do.

What you cannot give her, is time. This is the unfortunate but realistic consequence of this type of relationship. You are much older and she has only begun life, you will not be around for much of her life and should she get pregnant, you will not be around for most of that child's life. That is the reality.

You both are from two different times, I know you think this doesn't matter but it does. She still needs to go out and live her life and enjoy being young, you are past that and have been for a while.

You shared a bit of time together, now you need to let her go and allow her the freedom to be young and be with someone who is also young.

I don't want to be too harsh here, but I do feel that this is far more fair than anything else.

I fail to see how you and she could ever be long term.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It seems she found a young sugar daddy and that's all she was after all along.

a beautiful, flamboyant young 18 year old set her sights on me and decided to flirt with me. I know the game, I was 58. I would not marry her until she was 22. She left me for a younger man. I was like her husband and her daddy. She explained that this young guy "swept her off her feet" with gifts of IPhone and buying her some land to build a house on and promising marriage and children and taking her to a new country.

[Hedgehog]

I think you should give her your blessing. Some girls are after material things and if he is able to offer her these things and you are not then I don't think it will work out. It sounds like you really love this girl and like you said, sometimes letting someone go is the right thing to do.

[RainyCoast]

I was like her husband and her daddy and her best friend and mentor all rolled into one and she was the counterpart of that for me.

i wish these 18 year olds would be willing to acquire the insight into the fact they're looking for reparenting, not love. we have them on here and they are exhausting in their conviction they are mature and are about to embark on a quality relationship and that there is no codependency or daddy issue at play that will render that impossible.

 

in your place, i wouldn't bother responding, but if you feel you will let go after you tell her to go, then do that i guess.

 

how did you come to own a house together? did this child pay for half a house?

 

good riddance as far as i am concerned, but given that you say the codependency worked for you, that a mixture of dad and partner was a role you felt comfortable in, it may take more than letting her go to come to terms with it ending.

[abitbroken]

I don't think you should give her "your blessing". What you should do is get the house signed over to you and also to make sure she knows you are broken up. You need to end contact with her forever - not "bless her/give permission". What she does or who she is with after she signs the paper is none of your concern - period. So give no approval or blessing of her future - just END everything with her. And you should never accept her back, nor accept contact from her.

[abitbroken]

also, the next time an 18-22 year old flirts with her, you just think "oh, what a dear child" and don't give in. You were supposed to be the adult in this equation. If an 18-22 year old boy flirts with me, no switch is flipped in me - I see him as a kid/the age of my youngest cousins or the sons of my older cousin. They don't create a Mrs. Robinson desire in me at all.

[FooledAgain]

. . .

how did you come to own a house together? did this child pay for half a house?

Thanks for the sobering thoughts. The house is an issue because I paid for it and put it in her name. Basically I bought myself a house that she would own if she were with me until I passed on. The co-dependency issue is an eye opener. I see now that it is what happened to me. I loved her. Indeed I still do. But the addiction I feel is a co-dependency thing and it may be why she still clings to me when she has a more appropriate suitor begging her to marry him. Great insight!

 

EDIT: To ALL the people who took the time to reply to my post, I thank you. There is maturity and wisdom in this group. Many would focus on the age gap and figure there is no fool like an old fool but there is so much more to relationships than who is the oldest and by how much. However, that said, I agree that the vast majority of 18 year olds from ANY country should not be settling down with Grandpa. I think "this" Grandpa (pointing to self) had issues where he made mistakes in his youth and wanted a "do over" with this beautiful lady and the beautiful lady had issues with her own father and grandfather and also wanted a "do over". It worked, for a while. It created an intense and crazily addictive co-dependency that both of us were too caught up in to see. It stops to work when her nesting instinct kicks in and her normal, healthy dreams of a white picket fence kick in.

 

Perhaps people are a little unkind to her. She left me for a younger man because she is healing from her daddy issues and feeling the natural progression to leave the nest. It looks like I did not get my "do-over" but I sure helped her get past some of her issues. Now we wait for the next chapter. I sit and wait to see if she will show up to sign the papers and then I find out if I have the courage and integrity to explain all this to her and give my blessing. It surely is the right thing to do now.

[boltnrun]

I presume you don't have any children of your own?

[RainyCoast]

Yes, read up. It gets very enlightening and it makes it easier to close that door.

 

Also, in many texts and discussions codependency has such a criminalizing undertone to it, like symbiotic relationships are entirely sick. I don't think these black and white judgements are helpful or objective. Of course you loved. Of course codependents love. Noone is fully individuated, so all relationships are codependency to a degree. The question of when it becomes a priblem is well answered by a disillusioned partner. The daddy mentor thing didn't hold water very long, so you see why one can only be so healthy with a cild who is unable to relate in a more mature and sustainable way.

 

Let us know if there's more you could use shedding some light on.

 

Sorry for the typos btw, i'm on a tiny phone screen, it's frustrating.

[SherrySher]

Although sobering, I think if you look at the facts in a logical way without obscuring it with emotions, you will see very clearly that to let her go is not only the fair thing to do, but the right thing to do.

It is unfortunate that some individuals come across one another in such different time periods but you cannot change the age nor the constraints of the difference in ages, they do eventually come calling.

By letting her go, that IS an act of love and I think you know that.

I hope you remain strong and eventually down the road, do find love again, but love that is perhaps more realistic.