Trust issues with my girlfriend and how to fix it

[David1988]

Hi all,

 

I'm looking for some impartial advice on a trust issue that has developed between myself and my girlfriend. We have only been together 6 months and have been planning to move in together when the problems arouse. They stem from my behaviour around the time we met that have snowballed and are now suffocating the life out of relationship.

 

We went on holiday in late October after only being together for a full month having met at the start of September. Whilst away she saw a message come through on my phone from a woman I had been seeing previously. She asked about it and I was honest, although slightly sheepish, I recognised that I shouldn't have still been talking to her after a brief argument, there was nothing flirtatious or inappropriate about the conversation but it should have stopped. We sorted it out and I thought we were ok.

 

Sometime after that around early December whilst I was out she went on my laptop and discovered some content saved from my phone that really shouldn't have been there. Saving them was kind of an innocent mistake in that I'd backed up my phone when it went in for repair, however I shouldn't have had the content and I can understand her being upset about that, again we got through that and things were back on track.

 

Finally on new years day after having too much to drink I passed out and she decided to go through my phone this time. Now there's an obvious trust issue that she feels the need to and an obvious issue that she keeps finding things but this time she discovered through a conversation with my friends around the time we first met that I slept with someone else after our second date at a friends party and that after our first date I said something unflattering about her appearance. This has lead her to doubt that I'm attracted to her and tarnished the memory of the start of our relationship. I regret everything I did then, the honest truth is that when I first met her I was in a bad place, I felt insecure about my appearance and worried about looking a fool by telling friends I liked someone for it no to work out. My answer to that was to put down anyone I was dating to my friends and act like a "lad" and generally not treat women with much respect. She's helped me grow as a person and I look back at how I was then and can't believe how I acted.

 

This is driving a real wedge between us because she now feels like she can't trust me at all and it's causing almost daily bickering arguments which start from her making a barbed comment about something small. I don't help myself by being being naturally defensive of myself before thinking about how she's feeling but it gets frustrating. We have been making up and things are back to normal and then we'll have a blazing row and go through it all again. It's becoming a too regular cycle.

 

She says she forgives me and wants to move past it but wants me to fix the damage I've done and fight for her, she's a naturally anxious and extremely bright person so this plays on her mind and often I'm 10 steps behind her thought process. I just don't know what she wants me to do and it's driving me crazy. At a fundamental level, when we're both relaxed and at ease just enjoying each others company this is by far the best relationship I've ever had and I don't want to lose her, but on the other foot the arguing and trust issues are beyond anything I've ever experienced before.

 

Has anyone got any advice?

 

Thanks

 

David

[j.man]

So why, after 3 times invading your privacy (that you know of), are you the untrustworthy one?

 

She's not "fundamentally relaxed." She barely got to know you a month before going through your ****. You can't be shocked to find yourself in the positron you're in now. And it ain't gonna change.

[jujusamples]

Damaged already been done, not sure how she's going to fix her trust issues with you. You've been caught 1 too many times. To be honest, I don't see the relationship working out for much longer. Trust and honesty are important!

[SherrySher]

You two are incompatible.

You made several mistakes with her right from the start that made her feel more than uneasy with you, and rightly so, you slept with someone else after a second date with her!

And now she is rifling through your things, I don't condone that behaviour but it's another sign of this relationship being wrong and broken.

I don't think this is fixable, there is no trust here and there has been too much upset between you two in the short amount of time that you've been together.

If it's this messed up in less than a year, it's time to call it quits.

It won't get better.

[nutbrownhare]

Going through your laptop, going through your phone... that would have been a dealbreaker for me, regardless of whether I was innocent or not.

 

Sleeping with someone else after your first date with her, when you had no commitment to her and had only seen her once, is not a crime. You had no way of knowing whether the one date was going anywhere and at that stage you owed her nothing. If you'd continued to have contact - sexual or otherwise - with that person, that would be different, and she'd be justified in kicking you to the kerb. If this had happened AFTER you'd become exclusive, she'd be justified in kicking you to the kerb.

 

But there's nothing in your post to suggest you had.

 

You can no more make this up to her than you can delete all the people you'd known before you'd even met. Trying to get you to "fight for her" is about control and manipulation, not love. So is feeling justified in invading your privacy.

 

This really, really isn't going to work. Sure, if you end it now it will be very painful - but, rest assured, there plenty of people around whose company you can enjoy without all this ****. It's significant that it's all arising now you're both planning to move in together, and is giving you a taste of what's likely to come in the future. At the very least, hold off on the moving in together for at least another year...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. After only 6 mos of dating you are seeing a lot of red flags including lack of boundaries, snooping, possessiveness, jealousy, etc.

 

Moving in with her would be like being on parole. Don't do it. It will be a living nightmare.

We have only been together 6 months and have been planning to move in together when the problems arouse. They stem from my behaviour around the time we met that have snowballed and are now suffocating the life out of relationship. whilst I was out she went on my laptop and she decided to go through my phone this time. This is driving a real wedge between us because she now feels like she can't trust me at all and it's causing almost daily bickering arguments which start from her making a barbed comment about something small. then we'll have a blazing row and go through it all again. It's becoming a too regular cycle.

[Matt3939]

Everyone makes mistakes. I always say what happened before is off limits. On both sides you cannot control it. Unless you find something out super horrable. But who they dated what they did with them who cares. I've dealt with the jelousy it's absolute hell. She will always find something at this point. Unless she can just accept it. You will be walking on egg shells and nothing will be right. Maybe she had bad problems with previous bf's? Or she might be up to something herself?

[reinventmyself]

As uncomfortable as all this is, be grateful that you see this now and not after you've set up housekeeping.

 

This is just another perfect example why two people shouldn't rush to move in together.

 

You.do.not.fully.know.each.other.

 

I must read this every day here on this forum. What is it with the 6 mo mark anyway?

At six months I was uncomfortable leaving a toothbrush at my bf's house. But to move in??

 

Move in after the minimum of one year. 2 years is best.