Broken Up Due To Stresses

[snr]

Hey, so me and my partner of 18 months have recently broke up because he's struggling to cope with everything. When we broke up he told me that he can't handle being in a relationship at the moment, and at the time it was completely unplanned and as a result of a bad joke I made (he did however say he'd been considering it for a few months). At first it sent me into a deep depression and I realised all the mistakes I'd made in the relationship that probably exacerbated the problems he was having (pressuring him into taking me on dates, spending time with me when he needed to do other things/ have time to himself) and that he was desperate to get himself space but was too afraid to ask for it properly as he was worried about what I might do (as I suffered horrifically with depression for a fair amount of our relationship - self harm/ suicide).

 

I went to see him a couple of weeks ago to talk it through and I said to him that I understood that he needed to put himself first and sort his life out and that I wouldn't make the break-up any harder because I wanted him to be happy more than I wanted to continue to make him miserable to make myself happy. I told him that I love him and I wanted him to keep an open mind about reconciling because we do have a good relationship (flawed, but good) as I understood what I needed to do to make myself and our relationship better.

 

He said he still loves me, and I him. I suggested (as a kind of joke-not-joke) that in 6 months we go on a date together and start again slowly. He said that he didn't want to promise that and admitted that he didn't see a future with me anymore. I'm really struggling because on the one hand, I desperately want him to come back to me and give me the opportunity to look after him the way he looked after me, but I realise that he needs this time away from me to sort himself out. But it's made harder by a few of the things he did that suggested that he wasn't entirely comfortable with ending it (he was crying along with me, made jokes about us getting old together, gave me a final hug and didn't request for me to take all my stuff with me which had been the initial reason I went around).

 

He's said that he'd like to stay friends and I agreed that I'd like that to, if for no other reason than to make sure he gets his life back on track. We also agreed to NC for at least a month to make it easier on both of us.

 

I'm trying to focus on getting myself back (I didn't realise how much of myself I lost when I got in a relationship with him) but I'm really struggling as I can't stop getting the idea of a reconciliation out of my mind. My friends have been fairly supportive but their way of trying to help me deal with it is by avoiding it. Just wondered if people had any advice for me?

[gebaird]

The best relationships consist of two people who are capable of standing on their own two feet but enjoy having each other around. It sounds like you may have leaned on him a bit too much, but it's understandable considering your struggles. Be kind to yourself

 

The solution, however, isn't to now allow him to lean on you! It's to learn to be strong on your own so that your next time you are with someone (him or another romantic partner), you'll both be able to rise above codependence.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Sometimes things just don't work out there's too much stress going on. Stay no contact and wait for him to contact you. Continue to work on yourself and do what's best for you at this point.

He's said that he'd like to stay friends and I agreed that I'd like that to, if for no other reason than to make sure he gets his life back on track. We also agreed to NC for at least a month to make it easier on both of us.

[catfeeder]

(as I suffered horrifically with depression for a fair amount of our relationship - self harm/ suicide).

 

I'd back burner ideas of reconciliation unless and until you can move yourself to stability well beyond this state. It doesn't make you 'bad' or 'wrong,' it just means that you're not relationship material until you reach higher ground on your own--preferably with the help of a good therapist.

 

When you're ready for a relationship that doesn't involve pressuring someone else to compensate for what you have not yet learned how to give to yourself, you'll know it. Until then, romantic involvements are just ways to manipulate and distract yourself from doing the real work that only you can do.

 

Head high, and move your focus to where it belongs. You'll thank yourself later.

[snr]

The solution, however, isn't to now allow him to lean on you! It's to learn to be strong on your own so that your next time you are with someone (him or another romantic partner), you'll both be able to rise above codependence.

 

Ha ha, I think that's the thing I worry about the most. I feel very indebted to him for all the help he's given me in getting my life back together so it's going to be super hard to not try and immediately fall into that trap of letting him rely as heavily on me as I did on him. Thanks - that's definitely something I'll try and remind myself.

 

Sorry to hear this. Sometimes things just don't work out there's too much stress going on. Stay no contact and wait for him to contact you. Continue to work on yourself and do what's best for you at this point.

 

Thanks, when I first started NC I was counting down the days to be able to finally start speaking to him, but the more it goes on the more I have to agree with you and leave it for him to work out.

 

I'd back burner ideas of reconciliation unless and until you can move yourself to stability well beyond this state. It doesn't make you 'bad' or 'wrong,' it just means that you're not relationship material until you reach higher ground on your own--preferably with the help of a good therapist.

 

When you're ready for a relationship that doesn't involve pressuring someone else to compensate for what you have not yet learned how to give to yourself, you'll know it. Until then, romantic involvements are just ways to manipulate and distract yourself from doing the real work that only you can do.

 

Head high, and move your focus to where it belongs. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Honestly for the last year I've been working on myself like no tomorrow - after I tried to kill myself, I went straight to seeing a therapist weekly and have been on meds ever since. If this had happened to me a year ago, I dread to think what could have happened - as it is now I've not once even vaguely thought about doing something self-destructive. I'm not the same person at all. That being said I have to agree with you, I definitely don't love myself as much as I should, in all honesty I've gone from absolutely loathing myself, to finding myself not too bad which is a big step. That's one of the reasons I've come here rather than on the getting back together page, there's still a lot of stuff I need to work on to make myself let alone anyone else happy and I know that if we got back together tomorrow we'd just end up splitting because I'm not in the right frame of mind.