smoothgroove Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 First, some backstory: So my girlfriend of 1 year and 7 months and I broke up two weeks ago because she was stressing about going through college courses right now, working two jobs, finding time to be with me, finding time to be with friends and family, and finding alone time. On top of that she has serious mental issues that she got from a previous relationship, so she wants to see a therapist (which of course, I'm all for). And on top of THAT, I'm going through a moving process (still in the same city) and she feels that my stress is her stress. I want her to be happy and she deserves love. I thought that I could be the one to give her the love she deserves but she ended it with me so that she could "focus on becoming stronger emotionally" by herself. She felt she was relying too much on me to be happy, so now she's forcing herself to be without me. We both love each other dearly and I truly, with all my heart believe she's the one for me (at least she said she loves me. It's possible she's lying but she's not really the lying type.) The last time we met we exchanged belongings and had a good chat. She noticed that I removed her from Facebook and other social media and I said I did it because seeing her causes me so much pain. She told me that I can contact her any time I wanted to and I offered her the same. These past two weeks have been zero contact but Valentine's Day is coming up and I want her to feel my love. I also don't want her to forget about me although I doubt she would because she's a sweetheart and relationships are very special to her. She was my first real girlfriend. I want to send her flowers and a simple note that says something nice. If anyone reads this, any help or advice would be appreciated. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like she's overwhelmed and feeling suffocated by the relationship. It would be best to wait to hear from her and not further overwhelm or suffocate her. Lay back and respect her request for space. Sending flowers on valentine's day after a breakup is almost in the creepzone, don't do it. broke up two weeks ago because she was stressing and she feels that my stress is her stress. she ended it with me so that she could "focus on becoming stronger emotionally" by herself. I also don't want her to forget about me. I want to send her flowers and a simple note that says something nice. Link to comment
smoothgroove Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Hmm I guess that's pretty true... I just thought that with the open contact invitation, it would be okay. Any other advice for me? Thanks again. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Whatever you do, do NOT contact her on valentine's day. That would be throwing salt in the wound. Let her go. She is the one who initiated the breakup. Let her be. If you contact her on V day, that would be chasing her. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Don't contact her, and definitely do not send her flowers on Valentine's Day. Her invitation to contact her any time is a standard dumper line. I'm sure she's sincere in not wanting you out of her life altogether, but it doesn't mean she would appreciate a romantic gesture on the most romantic day of the year. That's for couples. Not recent exes. Many years ago, I broke up with a guy I'd been with for 5 years. He was a nice and good man, but I didn't want to be with him anymore. He sent me flowers about 2 weeks later. My only feeling? Guilt. Horrible guilt. Guilt that I hurt him by ending it, guilt that I didn't feel the same way. I of course thanked him but I definitely wasn't comfortable with it. If anything, it made me take more distance from him because I realized he was holding on to hope and I didn't want to mislead him. Give her the space she asked for. When someone breaks up with you, it means they don't really want to feel your love anymore. It's not the right time for romantic overtures. Link to comment
smoothgroove Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Damn...i know you guys are probably right but I really love this girl. We love each other and I feel like we'll be together but maybe not right now. I won't send her the flowers or contact her but I realized I have a other problem: her birthday is towards the end of February. Now, in my head, wishing her a happy birthday is a perfectly okay thing to do. No other chit chat, just "Happy birthday, hope you have a good one." What do you guys think? Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Damn...i know you guys are probably right but I really love this girl. We love each other and I feel like we'll be together but maybe not right now. I won't send her the flowers or contact her but I realized I have a other problem: her birthday is towards the end of February. Now, in my head, wishing her a happy birthday is a perfectly okay thing to do. No other chit chat, just "Happy birthday, hope you have a good one." What do you guys think? Ask yourself this: could you handle getting no reply in return? Or a very delayed reply? Or just a short "Thanks! Appreciate your wish!"? Or "Thanks! I'm going out with Person X and Person Y and we're going to go to Place Z and celebrate!! TTyl!" You need to very carefully consider how you will react to any of the above. You might be opening a bigger can of emotional worms than you can handle right now. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Spend the flower money on yourself as your own VD gift. Otherwise, it's likely to be seen as a manipulative gesture. The whole point of NC is to heal while giving the dumper the gift of missing you and learning what it's like to spend important milestone days without you. So rather than using every milestone as an excuse to remind her of your hovering presence, allow her to believe in your resilience and ability to move forward without her. If anything will inspire her curiosity and interest in you and how you're living your life it's her own imagination rather than sappy stuff from you. Someone who leaves with a goal of moving themselves forward is not interested in returning to the same relationship with the same person. So, allow for her growth and pursue yours. Make it a goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your ability to bounce back and focus on reaching higher ground. If you and ex were ever meant to be deal, trust that you'll meet again someday in the future, AFTER you've both grown into two people who are both better positioned to handle a whole new relationship together. Link to comment
smoothgroove Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Ask yourself this: could you handle getting no reply in return? Or a very delayed reply? Or just a short "Thanks! Appreciate your wish!"? Or "Thanks! I'm going out with Person X and Person Y and we're going to go to Place Z and celebrate!! TTyl!" You need to very carefully consider how you will react to any of the above. You might be opening a bigger can of emotional worms than you can handle right now. I believe that I could handle all of those situations as long as there's not romantic deals going on with some guy, which I doubt because she isn't trying to be in a relationship right now. I will not contact her on Valentine's Day at all and I will simply wish her a happy birthday on that day. thanks for the advice everyone. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I believe that I could handle all of those situations as long as there's not romantic deals going on with some guy, which I doubt because she isn't trying to be in a relationship right now. I will not contact her on Valentine's Day at all and I will simply wish her a happy birthday on that day. thanks for the advice everyone. Gee, you don't get it, do you? Don't contact her at ALL on V-Day. Not to wish her a happy V Day. Not to wish her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY, either. Both will pour salt in the wound. You are ONLY thinking of yourself - you care only about what you can handle, and don't care one bit that it may crush her to hear from you - she asked you to go away. She can't handle being in a relationship with you and therefore you MUST BE SILENT. I can tell you it was very hurtful and threw me in a tailspin when my ex contacted me on my birthday all those years ago. It did not make my day. In fact, it just added to my anxiety. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 You are STILL contacting her on Valentiine's day even if you don't SAY Happy Valentine's day so the answer is still the same...NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Link to comment
smoothgroove Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Gee, you don't get it, do you? Don't contact her at ALL on V-Day. Not to wish her a happy V Day. Not to wish her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY, either. Both will pour salt in the wound. You are ONLY thinking of yourself - you care only about what you can handle, and don't care one bit that it may crush her to hear from you - she asked you to go away. She can't handle being in a relationship with you and therefore you MUST BE SILENT. I can tell you it was very hurtful and threw me in a tailspin when my ex contacted me on my birthday all those years ago. It did not make my day. In fact, it just added to my anxiety. I mean, I obviously know more about my ex than you but we went through a very clean and smooth break up. She wanted to remain friends but I thought it would be best for both of us to move have no contact and seeing pictures of one another wouldn't help that. Was your break up with your ex a bad one? I'll consider your advice on not contacting her on her birthday but I'm still thinking about it for now. Sorry if I came off as rude. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I mean, I obviously know more about my ex than you but we went through a very clean and smooth break up. She wanted to remain friends but I thought it would be best for both of us to move have no contact and seeing pictures of one another wouldn't help that. Was your break up with your ex a bad one? I'll consider your advice on not contacting her on her birthday but I'm still thinking about it for now. Sorry if I came off as rude. You may say you know her well - but some of us here are women and have been through similar breakups and have said similar things and know what they mean. Also - you really don't want our advice - because you were wondering if you should wish her a happy V Day and we said no and how terrible it was for us - and then you find another reason to contact her that day. Some of us HAD break ups that seemed "clean" - mutual, etc, but our hearts broke to get us to that point. It takes a lot of thinking and guts to break it off with someone and believe me, even if she seemed calm and "good" with it, she thought about it and had one foot out the door before she voiced the actual words. There is no point in trying to nurture a false friendship. If you guys run into eachother 3 years down the road in some class or meeting or at a fair and decide to catch up - that's one thing - but its too raw right now and she asked for space to concentrate on other things than you. So leave her be. Show her you accept/respect the breakup. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I mean, I obviously know more about my ex than you but we went through a very clean and smooth break up. She wanted to remain friends but I thought it would be best for both of us to move have no contact and seeing pictures of one another wouldn't help that. Was your break up with your ex a bad one? I'll consider your advice on not contacting her on her birthday but I'm still thinking about it for now. Sorry if I came off as rude. You do but you know how many times we have heard the same story. Just because its not an ugly break up doesn't mean contacting her is the best thing. The clean break from you probably makes her feel better about the situation. If you did something wrong I might say go for it but remember she broke up with you and couldn't fit you into her life. Why would you go out of your way for someone who isn't willing to go out of their way for you right now? remember you were downgraded to friend. Link to comment
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