charlotteali Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Hi, I have been together with my bf for five years. I feel I cannot trust him. He has been postponing marriage and commitment and has some financial problems. At the same time, he has stayed with me throughout all these years. He is starting to talk about children, I just feel I cannot take him serious anymore. I am so scared he will let me down, either he will disappear (he has been disappearing before in his work trips) or he will let me down financially (he has told me that he has no money to pay rent). He is getting more stable, but I am still so scared that he will not be reliable as a family man. What should I do?
Matt3939 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 I think you already know the answer to your question deep down. When you mean disappear for work. Do you mean he has to go away for work or while doing so he doesn't contact you? 5 years is a long time it's hard to make a decision after so long. Remember it's not just you if you bring a child into the relationship.
Wiseman2 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Sorry to hear this. How long have you lived together? Are you supporting him? Does he have a seasonal or on/off work history? How has he disappeared in work trips? Unfortunately what you see is what you get and marriage will be a continuum of this only worse because it adds to your financial liability.I have been together with my bf for five years. He has been postponing marriage and commitment and has some financial problems. I am so scared he will let me down, either he will disappear he has been disappearing before in his work trips or he will let me down financially he has told me that he has no money to pay rent.
charlotteali Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 What I mean is that if he goes off to worktrips, then he has no time to check up on me. The same applies when he is in his homecountry. Right now he is there and he has only two available times during the week when he can meet with me. So it is my job to be accommodating.
j.man Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Are the financial troubles recent? What are they? Issues with money are as good a reason as any not to kick a marriage off. As Wiseman asked, are you supporting him or has he been independent as he's been, as you admit, getting more stable ?
jezzsolers Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Reflect on yourself first. Go to a place where you can think and relax your mind. Trace down what's the main reason why you had that trust issues. Know the prons and cons of it and ask yourself if you'll get married will it fix the issue. Marriage is a sacred thing. You will undergo different obstacles. If you really love that person then you're willing to take the risk. In the end, it's all up to you.
jezzsolers Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 By the way guys, you can buzz me at buzzingfriends.com. I would love to get more friends and chat with you all from there.
charlotteali Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 I think the reasons why I have trust issues are that, first, I am naturally not a trusting person. I tend to need someone who is relatively safe next to me. My current boyfriend has improved steadily over the years. He can now almost manage his finances. However he has an unstable job. He is also not hindered procent convinced about marriage. He has been postponing family for so many times that, I guess I do not believe in his promises anymore. I also feel that I cannot trust his plans with me, becaue he is still unsure in which country he wants to stay (we are currently in foreign country) and he constantly talks about needing to assess what the relationship is worth. Overall, I have no idea what he will think half a year from now and if he still will have the idea of a family or not. I feel that any time now, his future plans could change. Any time now, his understanding of the relationship could change.
abitbroken Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 What I mean is that if he goes off to worktrips, then he has no time to check up on me. The same applies when he is in his homecountry. Right now he is there and he has only two available times during the week when he can meet with me. So it is my job to be accommodating. Is he a citizen in the country you live in? I also feel that I cannot trust his plans with me, becaue he is still unsure in which country he wants to stay (we are currently in foreign country) and he constantly talks about needing to assess what the relationship is worth. Overall, I have no idea what he will think half a year from now and if he still will have the idea of a family or not. I feel that any time now, his future plans could change. Any time now, his understanding of the relationship could change. Dealbreaker. If he has to assess what the relationship is worth - run away. Go back home. This guy is not interested in marriage and has never been. He talks of kids to give you a breadcrumb. He is not "putting off a family" - if he wanted one he would have been already engaged to you with a set date. Find a guy whose life is not up in the air and knows how he feels about you. NEVER emotinally accomodate someone who doesn't want you.
zeino Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I think the reasons why I have trust issues are that, first, I am naturally not a trusting person. I tend to need someone who is relatively safe next to me. My current boyfriend has improved steadily over the years. He can now almost manage his finances. However he has an unstable job. He is also not hindered procent convinced about marriage. He has been postponing family for so many times that, I guess I do not believe in his promises anymore. I also feel that I cannot trust his plans with me, becaue he is still unsure in which country he wants to stay (we are currently in foreign country) and he constantly talks about needing to assess what the relationship is worth. Overall, I have no idea what he will think half a year from now and if he still will have the idea of a family or not. I feel that any time now, his future plans could change. Any time now, his understanding of the relationship could change. If you are not a trusting person, you may be choosing - unconsciously- commitment phobes. This is like a warped survival mechanism because with commitment phobes, you never come to a point where you can risk putting trust - so trust doesn't get broken. Relationships stall but they do't end quickly, so someone's staying with you is not always an indicator that they are fully committed to you. In between, you may find that you get closer sometimes but somehow obstacles appear all the time, goalposts are changing. If you distance yourself more than they would like, you may get some crumbles - like talking about children. If you feel uncomfortable, put your foot down and ask for clarity. Not an ultimatum but a clear explanation of how he is feeling, is he feeling pressured, is he feeling like he would like to go on without a decision for a bit etc. Give him the message that you will listen without judgement and respect what he says - this doesn't mean you have to accept it. You will be closer to an answer and then it's up to you to decide how much you are willing to take and how much you are willing to reject. I persnally would be offended if anyone (including a commitment) said they need to "assess" what the relationship is "worth" after 5 years. I think you are actually right and healthy for not trusting him.
charlotteali Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Yes, I think I should ask him. I guess the issue is also, I do not trust him by his word anymore. See there are multiple things. He sometimes gives empty promises. He promises to do something and then he does not, especially when it comes to fututure. The other thing is that he is about two/three times a year threatening to breakup, usually always in the middle of fights. He keeps telling me that he loves me, but he does not know if we function well together (we have plenty of fights). In my mind, one of the main reasons we have these fights is however the fact that I feel I cannot trust him. I am not scared that he will cheat on me or even so much that he will leave me. I am just scared that he will not be there when I need him and that the relationship will dragg on in its non-commitmental form.
catfeeder Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 This is who he is. Period. You've had 5 years to figure that out. I'd ask myself, "If I knew that this is the best that this guy can offer--no less, but no more--would I stay or go?" If the answer is stay, here you are, and I'd drop the white knuckling hope that BF becomes who you want him to be. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes "When?" People are not projects. We never get any time back to live over again.
Lester Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Works but has no money. Disappears while in different country. Can only see you two times a week while away at work. (At a coffee shop...?) and, "constantly talks about needing to assess what the relationship is worth." He sounds like a cheater to me. You wasted five years trying to turn a question into a answer.
Wiseman2 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Agree. Does he have a wife/family in his home country?Works but has no money. Disappears while in different country. Can only see you two times a week while away at work. (At a coffee shop...?) and, "constantly talks about needing to assess what the relationship is worth." He sounds like a cheater to me. You wasted five years trying to turn a question into a answer.
abitbroken Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Yes, I think I should ask him. I guess the issue is also, I do not trust him by his word anymore. See there are multiple things. He sometimes gives empty promises. He promises to do something and then he does not, especially when it comes to fututure. The other thing is that he is about two/three times a year threatening to breakup, usually always in the middle of fights. He keeps telling me that he loves me, but he does not know if we function well together (we have plenty of fights). In my mind, one of the main reasons we have these fights is however the fact that I feel I cannot trust him. I am not scared that he will cheat on me or even so much that he will leave me. I am just scared that he will not be there when I need him and that the relationship will dragg on in its non-commitmental form. Okay, he sounds like my abusive ex. I am not saying that HE is abusive, just that he did something my ex always did. he is giving himself an out, so when the relationship gets to be too much for him, he can say that he DID warn you that he was not sure about it. NEVER keep going back with a person that keeps breaking up with you - whether you actually break up or they just threaten it in a fight. This guy is not committed to you in any way. You said yourself you are scared of him "not being there for you" rather than him cheating. So as long as he's "there for you" = its okay that he puts you on an emotional yoyo. Also, what concerns me is that you are blaming YOURSELF alone for fights. I think I would cut my losses here and be with no man - don't date for at least a year. Rely on yourself to be there for yourself so that you don't keep a man around out of neediness - but because you are a strong person and the two of you are a good match. I think you yourself are afraid of commitment since you picked a guy who is showing you every sign he definitely isnt
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.