I'm in love with a damaged man..

[MileyBird]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. About a year into our relationship, we moved in together. We rarely have any disagreements, and we get along really well. We are each other's best friends, and very supportive of each other.

 

Some background: I'm a 30 year old divorced mother of two. He is a 25 year old single guy. He loves my kids - he has accepted them from the beginning. He has only had one real relationship when he was 17/18, and it ended in heartbreak, so much heartbreak, that he got himself in trouble with the law as he was trying to do anything to keep his mind off of his ex girlfriend. He has moved on from this mostly, and has a great job with a great future.

 

The only real problem we have in our relationship is that I am wanting to settle down, get married, buy a house, etc. and he isn't ready. I understand he isn't ready - but the part that hurts is he isn't ready because he doesn't want to be hurt again. He said - well what if we get married and we get divored, he will be devestated and be back to where he was when he was 18. He said he hasn't allowed himself to get too emotionally attached to me, so much in fact that it would be EASY to leave me now. I know he is in love with me, I know it would hurt him tremendously should we break up, but he said he would just get over it.

 

This talk was the first time he really dove into the details of his past relationship and the results of the break up. He said he doesn't want to waste his time crying every night over someone again.

 

So understandably this hurt me, a lot, enough that I left the house for a few hours to try to dissolve what just happened. I honestly don't know how to handle this - he is a damaged man, who has built up a wall, and does not want to be vulnerable. I get it - I do.. but in some ways I feel like I am wasting my time.

 

I'm just not sure how to proceed with this - I love this man, he is wonderful to me and my children. This is our only true issue, and I don't know if I should just impatiently wait for him to come around, or just move on. I would be devestated to lose him.

 

Big girl panties on - give it to me straight.

[Seraphim]

The fact that he said he has not allowed himself to become emotionally attached to you and he could easily leave you tells me he doesn't love you at all. I would disentangle your children from this relationship and find someone who really does love you . He's lost seven years ago somewhere .

[Hollyj]

I agree! This guy does not love you, or see a future. This is a HUGE issue.

 

I would move on from this guy, and find someone who capable of letting the past go, and proceeding with life. He told you that he does not want a real commitment. YOU MUST LISTEN, NOT HOPE THAT HE WILL CHOOSE YOU SOME DAY.

 

he is a waste of time!

[ParisPaulette]

He has only had one real relationship when he was 17/18, and it ended in heartbreak, so much heartbreak, that he got himself in trouble with the law as he was trying to do anything to keep his mind off of his ex girlfriend.

 

This alone is a giant red flag. Normal people go through heartbreak, they do crazy things sure of the crying, calling and begging and pleading, maybe even a keyed car or two if they're really dumb or emotional, but breaking the law to "try to do anything to keep one's mind off of an ex"????

 

That is not normal. And it would make me worry exactly what are we talking about trouble with the law there? I mean there's a speeding ticket or two, maybe a brief stint with alcohol or drugs, then there's robbing the convenience store or sexually assaulting or targeting underage people for sex. So which is it and I'm sorry, but yeah I went through major heartache at 17 and 18, and never got into trouble with the law.

 

That he has not gone into therapy to deal with it, that he has skirted what he did with vague stories that make it sound like he was a misunderstood teenager, is downright alarming.

 

I think you need to take another look at this guy, you need to find out what exactly is it he did do, and tell him he needs to get into therapy before you'd ever marry him. And you need to take a serious look at why you would marry someone with that type of baggage, because man the alarm bells should have gone off about that time.

 

This does not sound good at all. Why on earth would you want to be married to anyone who tells you they aren't emotionally attached to you? And what about your kids too? You do know the people that can hurt you and your family the easiest are the ones with no emotional attachments, right?

 

P.S. Being in love with someone who is damaged is not an excuse to let them damage you or your kids. Think about that. Love does fade, damage from a damaged person doesn't always if that damage takes a turn for worse.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he has chosen to maintain an emotional wall between you. It's a red flag he blames this teen love on all his problems, including an arrest record. What was the arrest for?

 

He doesn't seem ready to settle down or want the things you want. Sadly agree you are wasting your time and he is coasting along complacently living in your place.

 

You can wait but you can't fix him. If you are happy with the status quo as he is then just enjoy living together knowing he has one foot out the door at all times. a year into our relationship, we moved in together. I'm a 30 year old divorced mother of two. He is a 25 year old single guy. he got himself in trouble with the law. I am wanting to settle down, get married, buy a house, etc. and he isn't ready. in some ways I feel like I am wasting my time.

[Tanzi]

Everyone has a heartbreak story (more than one usually) but it doesn't stop us from moving on or keeping to the straight and narrow.

 

To be honest a lot of what he says doesn't make sense. In one aspect he says that he gets hurts so bad he doesn't want to back there again but then says despite being in love with you he could leave you easily. It's a bit of a contradiction if you ask me. The bottom line is, if he can leave you easily, without feeling any pain then he could not possibly be in love with you.

 

So giving it to you straight ... yes, you are wasting your time.

[fantasticday]

Love you..or in love with you.

We all love people .day to day .but .I am .IN LOVE!..with my wife ........ ask yourself .the love .type in the relationship. ....

[Seraphim]

Love you..or in love with you.

We all love people .day to day .but .I am .IN LOVE!..with my wife ........ ask yourself .the love .type in the relationship. ....

 

Exactly ,love you and in love with you are a completely different . He may love you but he's not in love with you .

[Trony]

If you both have different goals and can't find a common way, than you should move on, no matter if in love or not. Everything else will not only end in broken hearts, but many other problems, like mutually owned property/debt. Don't try to coax him into anything, that you both will bitterly regret.

[abitbroken]

Why on earth did you move him in with your kids if you guys weren't already engaged? This guy has no intent to marry you.

 

At any rate - this is emotional blackmail. he enjoys the idea of sharing the bills, so doesn't ant you to leave him, so he'll tell you he'll just spiral downward if you do. You are afraid to dump him because of this. You need to stand up and forget the idea that the kids like him or he likes the kids - shame on you for allowing your kids to be in this situation. Just because you move a guy in doesn't mean he is guaranteed to want to step in as a father.

 

NEVER leave your home again to cool off. He needs to be the one to leave. While your kids are not home - they are at school and have grandma pick them up or spend the weekend with your other relatives or their dad, you need to end this relationship and ask him to leave the house.

[Fudgie]

"When someone tells you who they are, believe them."

 

He's saying he doesn't want to get married to you. He saying that he is not emotionally attached to you. Believe him. And kick him out.

[MileyBird]

This alone is a giant red flag. Normal people go through heartbreak, they do crazy things sure of the crying, calling and begging and pleading, maybe even a keyed car or two if they're really dumb or emotional, but breaking the law to "try to do anything to keep one's mind off of an ex"????

 

That is not normal. And it would make me worry exactly what are we talking about trouble with the law there? I mean there's a speeding ticket or two, maybe a brief stint with alcohol or drugs, then there's robbing the convenience store or sexually assaulting or targeting underage people for sex. So which is it and I'm sorry, but yeah I went through major heartache at 17 and 18, and never got into trouble with the law.

 

That he has not gone into therapy to deal with it, that he has skirted what he did with vague stories that make it sound like he was a misunderstood teenager, is downright alarming.

 

I think you need to take another look at this guy, you need to find out what exactly is it he did do, and tell him he needs to get into therapy before you'd ever marry him. And you need to take a serious look at why you would marry someone with that type of baggage, because man the alarm bells should have gone off about that time.

 

This does not sound good at all. Why on earth would you want to be married to anyone who tells you they aren't emotionally attached to you? And what about your kids too? You do know the people that can hurt you and your family the easiest are the ones with no emotional attachments, right?

 

P.S. Being in love with someone who is damaged is not an excuse to let them damage you or your kids. Think about that. Love does fade, damage from a damaged person doesn't always if that damage takes a turn for worse.

 

He went out with his friends and broke into cars. He later got arrested for it. He said he doesn't want to be in that position again where he was so emotionally messed up, that he did stupid stuff to get his mind off of it. I've done a background check on him prior to dating him (que single mom, not wanting to bring anyone into kids life without doing so), so I always knew from the beginning he had this on his record. We discussed it when we first started dating, and he explained he was an idiot kid, but he wasn't that person anymore.

 

Thank you all for your help. You're telling me what my heart doesn't want to hear. It's hard to see this kind of response, but I know it's true.

 

I do feel as though he is in love with me. He expresses his love for me very often, is very affectionate, and has said this is the happiest he has ever been. We are trying to buy a house within the next year, and this is something he has openly said he wants to do with me.

 

He is great with my kids, and they love each other. This is apparent. He has taken on the father role, as their real father isn't in the picture much at all.

 

As for our career, we are both very "comfortable" and he isn't using me or anything. We have split everything 50/50, so there is never an issue there.

[MileyBird]

NEVER leave your home again to cool off. He needs to be the one to leave. While your kids are not home - they are at school and have grandma pick them up or spend the weekend with your other relatives or their dad, you need to end this relationship and ask him to leave the house.

 

My children were not in the house at the time this happened. I was an emotional wreck, and I didn't want him to see me like that. I didn't want to say something I would regret.

[Hollyj]

Good God! I hope you do not move forward and purchase a home with this guy!

[ParisPaulette]

Last time I checked turning to a life of stealing from others doesn't come from heartbreak. It comes from being weak and going along with your buddies, because you are either too stupid or have too little parenting to know better. That he tries to pin that on a girl who supposedly broke his heart is a serious red flag. And a total cop-out of responsibility. This is not to say I don't know people who have done things like that and turned their life around, I do. It's just they called it for what it was and didn't play the blame game of how someone else or some life circumstance made them do that.

 

And I can tell you that you have no business buying a home with anyone unless you're married and you both have signed prenups. Look around and do your research on what happens when two unmarried people buy a home or car or anything with payments together. He's already told you he isn't going to marry you and could leave you easily. Are you really going to put his name on a house, hand over money, and not expect that that could turn into a huge legal battle? One where you lose and you and your kids are on the street while he keeps the house and your money, because you couldn't afford to hire a fancy attorney to defend you?

 

I say that because I have a male friend who just did that. She got the house, his cash, and everything after they broke up. And he had no real protections, because they were not married and she'd talked him into letting her have her name on the deed while he was supposed to make "payments" toward it. Huge, expensive mistake there, because yeah she turned him out as soon as that house was in her name. Black widow, anyone?

 

I'm sorry, I will never recommend that two people not married or at least bare minimum without a legal contract put together by each one of your lawyers and signed by the other in front of said lawyers together, buy a house. That's a seriously bad mistake on your part.

My advice is you tell him there will be no house buying or comingling of funds period unless there's a marriage with a signed prenup by both of you, protecting both of you and your kids, first.

[KantSleep]

"He said he hasn't allowed himself to get too emotionally attached to me, so much in fact that it would be EASY to leave me now." This bothers me the most. You say he loves you and is wonderful to you and the kids. But then he makes this kind of statement...

I would have left the house too. If it is his defense mechanism and he doesn't really mean this, then OK. But if he does mean this, I would be deeply concerned about his true feelings. What he said was not nice.

[Hollyj]

Last time I checked turning to a life of stealing from others doesn't come from heartbreak. It comes from being weak and going along with your buddies, because you are either too stupid or have too little parenting to know better. That he tries to pin that on a girl who supposedly broke his heart is a serious red flag. And a total cop-out of responsibility. This is not to say I don't know people who have done things like that and turned their life around, I do. It's just they called it for what it was and didn't play the blame game of how someone else or some life circumstance made them do that.

 

And I can tell you that you have no business buying a home with anyone unless you're married and you both have signed prenups. Look around and do your research on what happens when two unmarried people buy a home or car or anything with payments together. He's already told you he isn't going to marry you and could leave you easily. Are you really going to put his name on a house, hand over money, and not expect that that could turn into a huge legal battle? One where you lose and you and your kids are on the street while he keeps the house and your money, because you couldn't afford to hire a fancy attorney to defend you?

 

I say that because I have a male friend who just did that. She got the house, his cash, and everything after they broke up. And he had no real protections, because they were not married and she'd talked him into letting her have her name on the deed while he was supposed to make "payments" toward it. Huge, expensive mistake there, because yeah she turned him out as soon as that house was in her name. Black widow, anyone?

 

I'm sorry, I will never recommend that two people not married or at least bare minimum without a legal contract put together by each one of your lawyers and signed by the other in front of said lawyers together, buy a house. That's a seriously bad mistake on your part.

My advice is you tell him there will be no house buying or comingling of funds period unless there's a marriage with a signed prenup by both of you, protecting both of you and your kids, first.

 

 

Yes! So foolish to make such an investment without the commitment. Especially , with someone who said it would be nothing to walk away from you.

 

Get your head out of the sand!

[catfeeder]

I understand he isn't ready - but the part that hurts is he isn't ready because he doesn't want to be hurt again.

 

The fact that a 25 year old isn't ready can just be taken on face value. Adolescence doesn't end at age 18, it's a developmental stage we all outgrow at our own pace well into our 20's--and that's researchable.

 

So positioning someone who's trying to grow beyond that stage to explain exactly WHY he doesn't own the maturity and readiness to commit to such a hefty lifetime obligation doesn't make any sense. It's like asking a 6th grader why he's not ready to perform college level maths.

 

I'd drop all ideas of manipulating for the answers you want, and instead I'd ask myself, "If I knew that this guy will never give me more than what he does today--no less, but no more--would I stay or go?" If the answer is stay, then here you are, so drop your expectations. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, "When?"

 

We never get any time back to live over again.

[abitbroken]

he was an "idiot as a kid and did stupid things" - i would accept this statement from a 54 year old man who fell into the wrong crowd, didn't have guidance at home and did this when he was 15 and never did anything dicey since - pulled himself up by his bootstraps, is successful at what he does, mentors kids who were like him - but to a 25 year old - the idiocy of youth was more like something that happened last week versus in a different lifetime.

 

You can undo this. You ask him to leave. And you never introduce another man to your kids as a replacement dad again like this. You see a guy for dates separately for months or even a year before your kids know him. That way, if you are not compatible, you can move on to the next without your kids suffering. You find out everything about eachother, your wants and dreams and your backgrounds and then after that you slowly introduce him but do not make him a household member until there is a ring and a date.