My ex boyfriend took advantage of me when I was very drunk

[Marisol02]

I have a personal question I'm really trying to get answers since I feel so violated. Unfortunately I got super drunk somehow I really don't remember because I blacked out but I remember my ex penetrating me and I was too weak to get him off and fell back asleep again. I woke up sore and naked. I was at his house due to along trap I fell into. But just my question is since I wasn't conscious is it right for him to penetrate me? Without my permission as me being sober.

[gebaird]

No, this is never okay. Dump him and contact the police.

[katrina1980]

I have a personal question I'm really trying to get answers since I feel so violated. Unfortunately I got super drunk somehow I really don't remember because I blacked out but I remember my ex penetrating me and I was too weak to get him off and fell back asleep again. I woke up sore and naked. I was at his house due to along trap I fell into. But just my question is since I wasn't conscious is it right for him to penetrate me? Without my permission as me being sober.

 

Do you recall drinking a lot to warrant being that drunk?

 

Reason I ask is cause you said *somehow* you got super drunk, which indicates you might not know how you got so drunk?

 

Also, many years ago, same thing happened to me at a party (not an ex) and as it turned out, the guy slipped rohypnol (common date rape drug) in my drink while making it.

 

He also sodomized me, THAT is when I woke up but was too out of it to resist.

 

NO it absolutely was NOT right for him to penetrate you while you were unconscious.

 

Even if you willingly got drunk.

[Matt3939]

Absolutely not. There is something wrong with that guy. I remember athe a hs party a girl was so out of it she was on the floor begging for someone to have sex with her. That memory has stuck with me. Be careful don't put yourself in such a situation.

[indea08]

Was it right of him? No. But you shouldn't have gotten yourself that drunk. How do you know you weren't telling him you wanted to have sex? Don't put yourself in those situations.

[beternal]

No, that's called rape.

 

The fine line is as someone said above. There are many shades of grey here but even then it shouldn't matter. The real question is, do you just want to understand the morality of it all or are you considering taking this further (legal action)?

 

The questions you should ask/find out... or that the police may very well ask:

 

-Are you certain you were drunk and not drugged?

-If you were REALLY drunk, are you sure you didn't suggest it to him? - if he was super drunk, ok it's not nice but neither of you were with it, chalk it up to a bad judgment.

-If you were really drunk but he was not, that's most definitely rape as you were non-consensual.

 

...the issue now is it's his word against yours if you were to take this further. He'd most likely say you were up for it or at the very least, weren't giving any indications of not wanting it. And now, evidence is gone, i.e. you're all cleaned up etc.

 

A friend of mine was in this situation and she tried to take it further but because the guy wore a condom, it implied things were taken slowly and not forced - i.e. not rape.

[Wolfshook]

I just hope this isnt some "we had sex and he doesnt want to get bsck together so I'm seeking revenge" thing.

[radiance]

This isn't right at all. If you were too drunk to consent, that's rape. You should cut contact with him and notify the police.

 

But you shouldn't have gotten yourself that drunk. How do you know you weren't telling him you wanted to have sex? Don't put yourself in those situations.

 

... And this is the most vile thing I've ever seen posted on here.

[Wiseman2]

It's date rape. Date rape is when you know the assailant socially and were out together but were too incapacitated (for any reason) to consent. Report it. ] I woke up sore and naked. I was at his house due to along trap I fell into.

[qwaspolk82]

I have a personal question I'm really trying to get answers since I feel so violated. Unfortunately I got super drunk somehow I really don't remember because I blacked out but I remember my ex penetrating me and I was too weak to get him off and fell back asleep again. I woke up sore and naked. I was at his house due to along trap I fell into. But just my question is since I wasn't conscious is it right for him to penetrate me? Without my permission as me being sober.

 

If you were unconscious and he had sex with you that's rape. Unconscious people cannot consent to anything let alone sex. Get away from him and block him. If you choose to, call the police and file a report. That's on you. But I would block him on the phone, social media and never go near him. If he comes near you, walk the other way.

[qwaspolk82]

Was it right of him? No. But you shouldn't have gotten yourself that drunk. How do you know you weren't telling him you wanted to have sex? Don't put yourself in those situations.

 

Negative. It's never the victim's fault. If she was unconscious she couldn't consent. Also the fact she can't remember how she got intoxicated or unconscious - he could have put something in her drink. "Don't put yourself in those situations." This wasn't some stranger on the bus. This was someone she had dated and probably thought she could trust. Someone who obviously manipulated her.

 

This is why people don't go to the police when they get assaulted or raped - women OR men. These kinds of responses. "Well you shouldn't have been drunk" or "What were you wearing?" or "Well don't get yourself in that situation."

 

How about we stop blaming the victims and we start pointing the finger at the sexual predators who prey on people. It's never someone's fault for getting raped or sexually assaulted. Ever.

[qwaspolk82]

It's date rape. Date rape is when you know the assailant socially and were out together but were too incapacitated (for any reason) to consent. Report it. ]

 

No it's just rape. Rape is rape. They don't legally classify things as "date rape" anymore as far as I've seen. Rape is rape whether it's a stranger or someone you know.

[Seraphim]

Negative. It's never the victim's fault. If she was unconscious she couldn't consent. Also the fact she can't remember how she got intoxicated or unconscious - he could have put something in her drink. "Don't put yourself in those situations." This wasn't some stranger on the bus. This was someone she had dated and probably thought she could trust. Someone who obviously manipulated her.

 

This is why people don't go to the police when they get assaulted or raped - women OR men. These kinds of responses. "Well you shouldn't have been drunk" or "What were you wearing?" or "Well don't get yourself in that situation."

 

How about we stop blaming the victims and we start pointing the finger at the sexual predators who prey on people. It's never someone's fault for getting raped or sexually assaulted. Ever.

 

Thank you. As a rape victim those who blame the victim make me hate society some days. POINT YOUR FINGER AT THE RAPIST.

 

 

Thank you.

[indea08]

How do you guys know HE wasn't too drunk to consent?? No one knows what actually happened....so how can you accuse someone of RAPE without knowing 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt. You could be potentially ruining someone's life.

 

This is why you should never get into these situations in the first place.

[indea08]

I've been in a similar situation. Drinking in a hot tub. Got out of the hot tub and suddenly felt wayyyyy more drunk. Ended up sleeping with the guy that lives there. I don't feel like I was raped. I feel like I was way too drunk and made a dumb decision. That's how I learned black out drunk = not okay.

[lukeb]

I've been in a similar situation. Drinking in a hot tub. Got out of the hot tub and suddenly felt wayyyyy more drunk. Ended up sleeping with the guy that lives there. I don't feel like I was raped. I feel like I was way too drunk and made a dumb decision. That's how I learned black out drunk = not okay.

 

I essentially agree with you except that black out drunk doesn't necessarily mean passed out drunk. It just means that you were so drunk that it interferes with your brains capacity to form long term memories, but you are still capable of knowing your surroundings and what you are doing the night before. You just have no memory of it.

[ParisPaulette]

First to the OP, look I'll be honest from what you write here, it does not sound consensual. It sounds like he roofied you or maybe he didn't, but regardless if you're so drunk you're blacked out and you feel by your own words "violated" then yes I think we can pretty much assume this was not okay. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, OP, what do you feel?

 

So I'm not going to point fingers or even ask for details, because I well remember being told repeatedly that somehow my being nice and helping someone I'd just met get something out of their car must have been an invitation for the guy to try to abduct and murder me. So right now I'm going to put aside the red I see and simply tell you to talk to someone who is a professional. Call this hotline Call 1-800-656-4673, they can possibly help far more than we can.

 

Now, on to the rest of it.

 

This is why you should never get into these situations in the first place.

 

The funny thing about these types of statements if they ignore the obvious - the person who is victimized or even suspects they are does not have a crystal ball and I'm pretty sure since OP is posting on here and says she felt violated that she didn't willingly get into that situation in the first place. Most people don't. We cannot divine what will or won't happen, and hard fact is most sexual assaults do not take place with strangers. They take place with people one knows, and trusts or at least doesn't automatically assume, "Gee, that's a rapist right there that is going to drug me and have at it the first chance he/she gets."

 

None of us really knows what happens, we weren't there, but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it usually is a duck. The person who knows is the OP, but from what I'm reading I just don't see consent. I don't. Nor do I see a spurned lover seeking revenge. And I definitely do not see that OP "asked" for this. It took some serious guts to even post what happened to her online. Most people don't get how hard it is for one to admit or to ask for help or opinions after something like this has happened.

 

I wonder, to those naysayers who automatically assumed fault, have any of you ever been robbed or had something stolen from you? By a friend, an acquaintance, a loved one? If the answer is yes then why in the hell did you have nice things/wear that fancy watch/advertise you had a house full of nice stuff ready for a break-in??? You do understand driving that nice car or those pearls is just "asking for it" so it's definitely your own fault if you get robbed. You all are just asking for it, okay? Don't put yourself in those situations by letting people know you have "stuff" if you don't want to get robbed.

 

Now, does everyone see or feel how upset they'd be if they got their purse snatched or came home to an empty house the burglars have cleaned out or a smashed car window with their laptop gone - and have everyone telling them that they "asked for it and shouldn't have gotten themselves into that situation in the first place" by simply existing in the world and having nice things or anything at all. I'm pretty sure none of us have willingly gotten ourselves into any situation where we got hurt from a broken heart, broken bones, broken into home etc. either, so why is the OP being treated so differently?

 

OP, go talk to someone professionally, block and delete this ex from any contact, and yes go get an exam. And take it from there. And call that hotline, because no you did not "ask" for that to happen and obviously you didn't know what situation you'd be getting yourself into or, I don't think you would have posted here in the first place. So call that hotline and just talk to someone.

[qwaspolk82]

How do you guys know HE wasn't too drunk to consent?? No one knows what actually happened....so how can you accuse someone of RAPE without knowing 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt. You could be potentially ruining someone's life.

 

This is why you should never get into these situations in the first place.

 

This: " I remember my ex penetrating me and I was too weak to get him off and fell back asleep again. I woke up sore and naked."

 

She woke up and he was having sex with her. So obviously he wasn't too drunk to consent because he was already having sex with an unconscious person. That is illegal. That is rape. You cannot have sex with a person who cannot consent. If a person is unconscious - no consent. If a person is a minor - no consent. If a person is mentally handicapped - can't consent.

 

"This is why you should never get into these situations in the first place." THIS is why people (men OR women) don't report rapes and sexual assaults because of that attitude. How the hell does someone know that their partner or spouse could potentially rape them? You're with someone you trust and don't think they will violate you if you're unconscious. So are you just supposed to not trust anyone?

 

That's like blaming domestic violence survivors because they don't leave or "why did you put yourself in that situation?" Yes because someone expects his or her significant other to beat the crap out of them. What if she had said this was her husband who had sex with her while she was unconscious? Would you tell her the same thing?

 

The last time I got black out drunk I didn't plan on drinking that much. Someone I thought was a friend said he needed someone to talk to about his divorce. I said come over. He shows up with vodka. I got to the point after some shots that I knew I had enough and I was telling him the one he was handing me was my last one and I remember he filled it all the way to the top. That's the last thing I remember. I wake up and run to puke. I have no pants on. They are on the floor covered in puke. I see him a few days later and ask what happened. He says nothing. That I started to puke and he asked if I needed something to drink. I said no. He left. (One move to leave your friend puking his or her guts out). But then I started to have these vague memories of it. Do I think he raped me? I don't think so. I didn't feel as if I had sex. But I think he took advantage of me while I was passed out. I was leaving the unit at the time so I didn't say anything to anyone.

 

The bottomline is you don't have sex with people who are unconscious. Don't have sex with people who are extremely intoxicated. It's illegal and disgusting as well. I don't know why anyone would want to have sex with someone who is so drunk they can't walk or speak. I'm not saying I've never had sex while I'm drunk - but I've never had sex when I'm incoherent or someone else is incoherent. Puking, stumbling...not attractive.