Am I wrong for feeling this way

[Starbuckscup]

I can't believe I'm posting in here but I really need advice. I'm a 39 year old female.. been in a relationship with a 48 year old for the past 2 years. Problem is his ex fwb. When we first met he told me about a good friend whom he had gotten together with a couple of times but that was 20 years ago and there were/are still good friends. He told me he was uncomfortable with me being friends with the guy that I had been seeing before him since it was so fresh so I agreed to end the friendship..... anyways fast forward to a year and they were still texting a couple of times a month, talking on the phone sometimes and they go out for lunch when she's in town. Everything is platonic. Come to find out who this girl was (he never told me which friend it was) and she has been to his house for supper! But what I can't get past is that I found out they slept together 2 months before we started dating not 20 years beforehand!!!??? He stated he's not good with time. He ALSO stated he wasn't sure if they would get together or not if they were both ever single which of course he backtracked and said he didn't mean it in that way... So I was livid and I was mad for ruining my friendship with my previous friend that I had dated. Total double standard. He had continued meeting up with her for lunch and had lied to my face about it and last night she showed up at his house st 10 pm with 3 of her friends to say hi as they are all mutual friends...he didn't let them in but still. I'm 110% sure it's a platonic relationship. But I'm irked that he seems to be prioritizing this friendship above our relationship. He says I'm too jealous but how can I not be when he lies about meeting up for lunch and deleting texts they write because he knows I will be mad.

 

Am I going crazy? What would you do in this situation? I don't want him to lose the friendship but on the other hand this is a humongous issue for me and it seems like he's putting her first because he's known her for 20 years. I'm mad. Super mad but I don't know 100% if I have a right to be mad st him or if this is my issue I need to deal with?!!?? Arrrrg!!!! Help! Any advice/logic/reason is welcome. Ps he is a total narcissist and always makes me feel crazy for being jealous but he has a lot of other really good qualities about him and I know cheating on me is not something he would do but 90% of his friends are women.

[gebaird]

I don't think it's at all wrong for you to feel this way. It's perfectly natural to be upset in a situation like this! Confusing 2 months with 20 years isn't being "bad with time" -- it's straight up lying.

 

The question is, what can you do about it? Since he's a narcissist, he's just going to do what he wants anyway.

[dave_1966]

If he's genuinely 'a total narcissist' that should be enough to make you walk, surely?

[sun flower]

My father is a narcissist, growing up with him was the worst. Maybe you should think about breaking up with him because it doesn't seem like you can trust him and trust is the most important thing in relaionships. Good luck 💛

[Annia]

I know this is not the point, but how can narcissists be good partners? I never understood expecting to have good healthy relationships with them.

 

And yes, he might not have cheated but he straight up lied. He could've been honest with you about having slept with her 2 months before, but he deliberately lied so that you would cut him slack for remaining friends with her, but he couldn't put up with you being friends with that guy you were seeing before him. So for me the issue is not that he's still friends with her, it's ok to keep old friendships even if you are in a relationship... the red flag is that he lied to get his way. And if he lied about something like this and you say he's a total narcissist, expect him to lie in the future about other issues and expecting you to think that's completely reasonable and justifiable. Narcissists are always able to justify their deceptions and wrong doings and many times they don't take responsibility and blame others (usually their partner) for their wrong doings in the relationship. Other times people like this don't value other people's concerns or feelings... it's just not important to them. They're selfish and self centered and it can sabotage any relationship.

 

I'm just warning you.

 

Good luck.

[Ksol9]

The lies are what you should be concerned with here. If something inside tells you something isn't right...something isn't right. He should respect your feelings and if that bothers you, he needs to address it, not lie and hide it.

 

Sorry you're going through this. I can sense the frustration in your post. Hope everything gets sorted out.