holistic17 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Hello. I'm feeling so desperate, although nothing can change my heart breaking. I've been with the most wonderful, caring, giving and loving man for one year. He is the best thing that has ever happened upon my life romantically and at both 30 years old, I had been waiting a long time for him to come along. I had 7 years of failed dating behind me and he had never had a proper relationship before me. We were both certain that a higher power had bought us together for the long haul. Until I raised the family question 4 months ago. He told me he had never considered children before, furthermore that the world is going to get worse and more harmful so he doesnt want them. He's also aware of conspiracy theories, as am I, however I believe we are on this earth to love and there will always be people or forces who are out for their own greed. That does NOT stop me from wanting happiness in the future. I gave him time a few months ago and he then told me I was the love of his life and wanted a family one day. I thought all my blessings had been answered. Until yesterday when he told me he had changed his mind back and believes there will be a world war, water and food shortage and life will be terrible. Hence he does not want to bring children into it. I had to end the relationship right there and then, but my heart is shattered into pieces. I find this rare love and have to lose it again. I was planning my future with this man and now it's all gone. I cannot imagine being or even attempting to be with anyone else but him. It kills me knowing I had no choice and I've been dealt these cards.
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Sorry to hear this. If you want a family, you did the right thing ending it. You always have a choice and you made the right one. I've been with the most wonderful, caring, giving and loving man for one year. He told me he had never considered children before, furthermore that the world is going to get worse and more harmful so he doesnt want them. I had to end the relationship right there and then, but my heart is shattered into pieces.
Matt3939 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 For some people this is the deal breaker just like cheating. At least he told you how he feels.
leseine7 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 This is obviously not a one-size-fits-all situation. My boyfriend not wanting children - even just for a temporary amount of time when he "freaked out" and told me he didn't then took it back later - was my deal breaker. It wouldn't be for someone else, obviously. I knew that, even if I continued to date him, if we ever had kids together I would feel insecure and unstable in our partnership, something I couldn't handle. I knew that if I decided not to have kids, I would always resent him. Breaking up with him was a decision I have never once regretted, and I have since been with a man whom I met while taking care of kids, who used to coach a children's soccer team and who wants kids as much as (possibly even more than) I do. So stay strong and if this is something that you feel is very important to you, do not ignore it just because breaking up is painful. That pain is far more temporary than the alternative.
Seraphim Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I remember feeling like this in the 80's. The Cold War was terrifying. We have not had another WW yet. I have a healthy 19 year old. However, he wants to be afraid or he is using this fear as a scapegoat for the fact he really does not want kids. Whatever it is do not try and change his mind. Find someone who wants kids.
Mari Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Hello. I'm feeling so desperate, although nothing can change my heart breaking. I've been with the most wonderful, caring, giving and loving man for one year. He is the best thing that has ever happened upon my life romantically and at both 30 years old, I had been waiting a long time for him to come along. I had 7 years of failed dating behind me and he had never had a proper relationship before me. We were both certain that a higher power had bought us together for the long haul. Until I raised the family question 4 months ago. He told me he had never considered children before, furthermore that the world is going to get worse and more harmful so he doesnt want them. He's also aware of conspiracy theories, as am I, however I believe we are on this earth to love and there will always be people or forces who are out for their own greed. That does NOT stop me from wanting happiness in the future. I gave him time a few months ago and he then told me I was the love of his life and wanted a family one day. I thought all my blessings had been answered. Until yesterday when he told me he had changed his mind back and believes there will be a world war, water and food shortage and life will be terrible. Hence he does not want to bring children into it. I had to end the relationship right there and then, but my heart is shattered into pieces. I find this rare love and have to lose it again. I was planning my future with this man and now it's all gone. I cannot imagine being or even attempting to be with anyone else but him. It kills me knowing I had no choice and I've been dealt these cards. Tell him if it's not him that's going to bring in the kids then someone else will. And those people that bring those kids in aren't going to give those kids the same level of upbringing. I forget but I think there's a movie that makes fun of smart people avoiding having kids and less smart people having them, leading to the world losing intelligence through genetics. I forget the name of the movie but I feel like that's what he's doing.
arjumand Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 The movie is Idiocracy -- but it isn't that smart/educated people avoid having children -- it's that they decide they have to accomplish EVERYTHING before they have them and then they are too old to reproduce.
Seraphim Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 * rolling eyes* I don't think " less" smart people have kids. I mean Einstein and Stephen Hawking have kids . I think the smarter people don't have kids is just arrogance .
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 He may not want children but his morose reasoning is more disturbing than not wanting kids per se Definition of weltschmerz 1: mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state 2: a mood of sentimental sadness
lostandhurt Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 You have done the right thing and deep down you know it but it still hurts very badly. You really had no choice so in the long run ending it sooner was a huge gift to yourself. Some may have strung it out hoping they would change their minds which rarely happens. People have been predicting the End of Times since the start of the human race and yet we are still here and babies are born every day. I know you are hurting right now and do not see a time when you will love again but it will happen and the next time you will take what you learned from this last relationship and make your next one even better. Once you heal and mourn the loss of what was you will start to feel the desire to meet someone I know it. Lost
Lester Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 "He told me he had never considered children before,..." - VERY few men do. "...furthermore that the world is going to get worse and more harmful so he [doesn't] want them." - You did well ending as you did. Now don't be surprised if he keeps contacting you. The question is..., are you ready? "He's also aware of conspiracy theories, as am I, however I believe we are on this earth to love and there will always be people or forces who are out for their own greed." - Silly TV thinking. People have never changed. If you could resurrect/transport peoples from thousands of years ago to present..., they would fit in within weeks. "That does NOT stop me from wanting happiness in the future." - Good for you! You can and will have it. "I thought all my blessings had been answered. Until yesterday when he told me he had changed his mind back and believes there will be a world war, water and food shortage and life will be terrible. Hence he does not want to bring children into it." - Again, too much silly TV brainwashing going on. Tell him, (yes, he's no done with you), to stop watching the so-called news. Tell him the human race HAS NEVER been in a more peaceful, healthy, prosperous and happy time! Tell him he's supporting the BIGGEST, GREEDIEST organization (TV and mass media) the world has ever seen. You too! Don't think your not susceptible their endless lies/dribble.
Hollyj Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 He may not want children but his morose reasoning is more disturbing than not wanting kids per se Definition of weltschmerz 1: mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state 2: a mood of sentimental sadness Totally agree!
Fudgie Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I remember feeling like this in the 80's. The Cold War was terrifying. We have not had another WW yet. I have a healthy 19 year old. However, he wants to be afraid or he is using this fear as a scapegoat for the fact he really does not want kids. Whatever it is do not try and change his mind. Find someone who wants kids. It's true. Depending on where you guys are located, you may be going into uncertain times. I get it. It's scary. But you know, the people who want to have kids want them anyway. And if someone doesn't want kids, that's okay, but don't blame it on political climate, which can change quickly. I don't want kids myself - but it's not because of someone in office. * rolling eyes* I don't think " less" smart people have kids. I mean Einstein and Stephen Hawking have kids . I think the smarter people don't have kids is just arrogance . I don't think it's necessarily arrogance because there is data to support it: the more educated/more money you have (particularly if you're a woman), the less likely you are to bear children and if you do have children, you have fewer than your peers who have less education/money. Of course, this does not take into account desire....did these women want kids? Did they not? truth is, some did, some didn't. Now, I DO think it would be arrogant to say "smart people don't have kids. dumb people do". It's not that at all. There are dumb/smart people on both sides. It's more that people who are more highly educated put off their child-rearing until they are done with their education. And of course, many run into fertility problems. So that's where there is a correlation between having more education and not having children. It exists.
Seraphim Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Well, that's it educated does not necessarily mean " smart". Of course many smart people are educated but there are many smart uneducated people too. They just lacked the opportunity . But it's kind of irking for some people to suggest that only stupid people have kids .
Fudgie Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Well, that's it educated does not necessarily mean " smart". Of course many smart people are educated but there are many smart uneducated people too. They just lacked the opportunity . But it's kind of irking for some people to suggest that only stupid people have kids . You can thank the film "Idiocracy" for that. It really painted the issue with a heavy brush and I think that many people misinterpreted it. Yes, there is an indirect correlation between having higher education and having kids. No, it does not mean that smart people are barren and that dumb people are popping them out. I grit my teeth when my one family friend brings up the film to me as a justification for why I SHOULD have kids. Uhm, no, just because I'm smart/educated doesn't mean I'll be a good mother and it doesn't mean that the child will be well-adjusted either. No one should have kids unless they truly want them. Back to OP, I'm sorry this happened to you but I hope someday you can look back with relief because you didn't waste your time further.
Matt3939 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Next time I'd try to get the massive questions out of the way fairly quickly. It's pretty much to late for me to have a child. I accepted that a long time ago. Would I have been fine if it happened sure. I never threw it off the table. He took it off. That was a deal breaker for you. It's extremely hard to leave someone when something bad doesn't happen.
notalady Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 He may not want children but his morose reasoning is more disturbing than not wanting kids per se Definition of weltschmerz 1: mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state 2: a mood of sentimental sadness Agreed. This kind of alarmist, end-of-the-world-is-coming thinking is disturbing. A lot of people who've been through world wars are still alive and well. My boyfriend's grandma has been through WW2, talked about it once of life back then, it was interested to hear. She went on to have kids and grand kids and grand grand kids, and the world is still going around, sky is still blue, air is still fresh, birds are still singing. Life is great. Or it can be doom and gloom and hanging by a thread. It's an individual's choice of how they see it. Media certainly doesn't help to paint a balanced picture (as Lester pointed out). I know you think this guy is the one, and it's only the children issue that's the deal breaker here. But personally, the doom and gloom mentality in itself would've been a deal breaker for me. Life is short, it is to be lived. To never live because of fear that it will end, is a waste of life in itself.
Seraphim Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Yes, my inlaws were bombed as kids in WW2 they opted to have kids.
Ms Darcy Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 This seems quite a late in the game for you to only have discovered this 4 months ago. Perhaps have these conversations earlier.
Lester Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Yes, my inlaws were bombed as kids in WW2 they opted to have kids. Real death builds hope. Media's 'culture of death' steals hope.
abitbroken Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 I think part of your problem is that you look upon your past relationships as "failed" and that you "waiting so long for someone". That's nonsense. Lots of people don't meet someone they want to marry at 25 or 30. Heck, I didn't meet the right one until 35. If you have the attitude that its so hard to meet someone, you will accept anyone who is willing and open to you versus being choosy and pairing off with a guy who not only chooses you, but shares your values and brings more to the table - maybe a little optimism and is actually happy to be alive and looks forward to life with you. My ex was Mr. Conspiracy. He came from an abusive home, btw. He was sure that there was no more hope left in the world, but also had the idea that he was uniquely more special than anyone else. Go figure. Part of it has to do with attention-seeking. If the world ends it ends (people have decided upon many different dates in the past and everybody is still here) and if it does there is zero that you can do about it - so live a happy and fulfilled life to the best of your ability and don't waste anymore time on losers or people you feel "destined to be with". Who you choose to marry and even who you have relationships is totally your choice. My cousin was super ready to meet a guy to marry that when she started dating again - she really put herself out there - she was open and direct about her dates. She was clear on what she was looking for. She had a bunch of first dates and then she met her future husband and they were married in a year - happily, with 4 little girls now. But its not about the speed one marries. They were both at the point in their life that they were both looking for their future spouse, had similar values and backgrounds were both optimistic people. So block him, never talk to him again after you ended it and seek counseling if needed if you feel you are going to strongly attach yourself to the next man that smiles at you. Make friends. Increase the size of your social network so you can meet a variety of guys who are good for you and have some choices.
holistic17 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 Thanks for your message. I think I might have made it sound as though I would accept any man, but the truth is that I was single for so long because I am so choosy. Many people told me I was too fussy actually. That's why when this one came along, and appeared to cluck with me on so many levels over a space of time, I felt like I'd hit jackpot! Your reply has given me a boost of optimism for the future so thank you. I'll definitely put my cards on the table much earlier too!
holistic17 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 You're absolutely right everyone. I think I was so caught up in the bubble of bliss and assumed he would want a similar future like me. That's the main lesson I've learned from this. Thankyou.
holistic17 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 Next time I'd try to get the massive questions out of the way fairly quickly. It's pretty much to late for me to have a child. I accepted that a long time ago. Would I have been fine if it happened sure. I never threw it off the table. He took it off. That was a deal breaker for you. It's extremely hard to leave someone when something bad doesn't happen. I completely agree. Thank you. Hard lesson learned to never assume they will want the same future no matter how much I feel we click as a couple!
holistic17 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 So stay strong and if this is something that you feel is very important to you, do not ignore it just because breaking up is painful. That pain is far more temporary than the alternative.[/quote Thankyou so much. That has really helped me get my thoughts into perspective more.
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