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I broke it off with my FWB because I was getting attatched and now i regret it


amanduhhpanda

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FWB= Friends with benefits (just in case )

 

So I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months. I just got out of a relationship so I told him I wasnt looking for anything serious. We started hooking up but he said he didnt want a relationship either.

 

After months passed by, I kind of started catching feelings and getting attached. He took me on a weekend out of town trip together, we cuddle after sex, I spend the night, we go to the gym together, talk everyday, study together, and etc.

 

I decided to talk about "us" because I know that the first thing you do when you catch feelings/develop attachment to this type of relationship (no strings attached) is to run.

I had a face to face conversation with him and said that "to be honest, I'm starting to catch the feels but I don't want to. So im going to back off for a bit to control my emotions"

He responded with "I dont really care. it is up to you but come back when you feel comfortable"

I asked him what he thought about all of this and he failed to meet me halfway and didnt really elaborate. I noticed that he does not communicate and never talks about his feelings so I expected this response anyway... but all he said was "this happened to him so many times" (whatever that means?) and he assumed I was going to hook up with other people but I told him thats not the case.

 

I also asked him if he was hooking up with other people and he said no and that its been exclusive between me and him

 

and he said he was still down to hang out and just be friends. After the talk, he actually invited me over to watch this tv show that we have been watching but I said "Maybe. if im still awake" but he never hit me up

 

Its only been a day. But im kind of regretting being honest with him. I feel like I should of just let it be and not have said anything...

What do you think about all of this? Do you think I made things complicated?

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FWB= Friends with benefits (just in case )

 

So I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months. I just got out of a relationship so I told him I wasnt looking for anything serious. We started hooking up but he said he didnt want a relationship either.

 

After months passed by, I kind of started catching feelings and getting attached. He took me on a weekend out of town trip together, we cuddle after sex, I spend the night, we go to the gym together, talk everyday, study together, and etc.

 

I decided to talk about "us" because I know that the first thing you do when you catch feelings/develop attachment to this type of relationship (no strings attached) is to run.

I had a face to face conversation with him and said that "to be honest, I'm starting to catch the feels but I don't want to. So im going to back off for a bit to control my emotions"

He responded with "I dont really care. it is up to you but come back when you feel comfortable"

I asked him what he thought about all of this and he failed to meet me halfway and didnt really elaborate. I noticed that he does not communicate and never talks about his feelings so I expected this response anyway... but all he said was "this happened to him so many times" (whatever that means?) and he assumed I was going to hook up with other people but I told him thats not the case.

 

I also asked him if he was hooking up with other people and he said no and that its been exclusive between me and him

 

and he said he was still down to hang out and just be friends. After the talk, he actually invited me over to watch this tv show that we have been watching but I said "Maybe. if im still awake" but he never hit me up

 

Its only been a day. But im kind of regretting being honest with him. I feel like I should of just let it be and not have said anything...

What do you think about all of this? Do you think I made things complicated?

 

I don't think it's complicated at all. You told him how you feel. He doesn't reciprocate. As long as you still have sex with him, he'll hang around. Real simple.

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Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn't want to be more than fwb. Sadly "I dont really care" would be a great exit point for many.

He responded with "I dont really care. it is up to you but come back when you feel comfortable" and he said he was still down to hang out and just be friends.
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Just to play Devil's Advocate... did you ASK him if a relationship is possible and he would be willing to eventually commit when you both are ready, or did you just lead with "I have feelings so we should stop."?

 

Frankly, he should have had the emotional intelligence and 'nads to pick up on that being what you want to come from it (a commitment of some kind), but he sounds like he's not one to really go that far with his emotions and maybe needed things spelled out a little clearer. If he was saying it was exclusive between you two and he didn't want to see other people, what exactly was he against?

 

I don't like the "I don't care" response, but the way I read this, it sounds like he thought you were just dumping him from your conversation.

 

Regardless, if he has made it clear that he cannot be in a relationship with you and that this is not going to go in that direction, there is no point in feeling bad about this and certainly no point in prolonging it any further.

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FWB= Friends with benefits (just in case )

 

..

 

Its only been a day. But im kind of regretting being honest with him. I feel like I should of just let it be and not have said anything...

What do you think about all of this? Do you think I made things complicated?

 

I think he has feelings too and both of you are being negative, which is making it complicated. It seems like he's been hurt in the past and he's not interested in getting hurt again from letting you know he feels for you too.

 

The way you put it, that having feelings for him is a problem is what makes it more complicated. If he admits to feeling the same then you're already saying that's a problem so you will end the relationship if he has feelings or if you have feelings. I think you should just ask to be in a full relationship at this point instead of asking to wait till your feelings are gone.

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His statement that this happens a lot to him is telling. He NEVER "catches" feelings for his FWB and never will. He just moves onto the next woman.

 

You were right to have the talk. I don't think it was a mistake because you were honest with yourself and there was no ambiguity left when you were done talking.

 

If you now think you want something more serious you just did yourself a huge favor. If you are missing the sex with him don't worry there are millions of guys that would love for a no strings attached thing with you. He can be replaced easily...

 

Lost

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You were right to have the talk. Nothing has changed, and there is no future with this guy, unless you only want sex.

 

You have healed from your ex, now get out there and find someone capable of feeling something.

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Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn't want to be more than fwb. Sadly "I dont really care" would be a great exit point for many.

 

Agree. If I told a guy (FWB) how I felt and that I needed to step back to regroup, and he said "I don't really care," that would be IT for me, I wouldn't even want to be just *friends* after that, let alone FWB or have a *relationship" with him.

 

I mean, that's just COLD.

 

Curious as to why you regret telling him?

 

Isn't it better you know he doesn't give a **** before you get even more attached?

 

Heck, your telling him is a blessing!

 

Now you can move on and find a guy who *does* give a ****.

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When you told him you are starting to develop feelings for him, he had the opportunity to say "let's continue to see each other and see where this lead. I am starting to have feelings for you too"

 

However, it sounds like he kept his end of the "bargain" which was to be fwb only, and he's ok with that arrangement.

Note that there is a difference between not having sex with other people vs being exclusive. Just because I don't have anyone else to have sex with right now or don't prioritise it right now, doesn't mean I am exclusive with someone or that this translates into some sort of commitment.

 

If you need to have clarity, then have an honest chat with him. Look I have feelings for you which I realise means I am not keeping my end of the deal, so I want to talk about whether we can renegotiate the deal. I don't feel I can continue being uninvolved and maintain this fwb. Are you interested in getting into a relationship? I would like to try. Take some time to think about it if you want. Either way I will respect your decision.

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FWB= Friends with benefits (just in case )

 

So I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months. I just got out of a relationship so I told him I wasnt looking for anything serious. We started hooking up but he said he didnt want a relationship either.

 

After months passed by, I kind of started catching feelings and getting attached. He took me on a weekend out of town trip together, we cuddle after sex, I spend the night, we go to the gym together, talk everyday, study together, and etc.

 

I decided to talk about "us" because I know that the first thing you do when you catch feelings/develop attachment to this type of relationship (no strings attached) is to run.

I had a face to face conversation with him and said that "to be honest, I'm starting to catch the feels but I don't want to. So im going to back off for a bit to control my emotions"

He responded with "I dont really care. it is up to you but come back when you feel comfortable"

I asked him what he thought about all of this and he failed to meet me halfway and didnt really elaborate. I noticed that he does not communicate and never talks about his feelings so I expected this response anyway... but all he said was "this happened to him so many times" (whatever that means?) and he assumed I was going to hook up with other people but I told him thats not the case.

 

I also asked him if he was hooking up with other people and he said no and that its been exclusive between me and him

 

and he said he was still down to hang out and just be friends. After the talk, he actually invited me over to watch this tv show that we have been watching but I said "Maybe. if im still awake" but he never hit me up

 

Its only been a day. But im kind of regretting being honest with him. I feel like I should of just let it be and not have said anything...

What do you think about all of this? Do you think I made things complicated?

 

I would say you clarified a lot of things (rather than complicated them)! You were rightfully honest with him, and unfortunately it is CRYSTAL CLEAR that he is not interested. This is apparent from his lack of empathy and reciprocation. He sounds like someone who's quite full of himself and thinks he can get any girl in bed without investing into the relationship.

 

RUN!! He's shown you all you needed to know, now it's time to cut ALL contact with him, end the hook ups, and find someone who appreciates and values you. Not this garbage!!

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When you told him you are starting to develop feelings for him, he had the opportunity to say "let's continue to see each other and see where this lead. I am starting to have feelings for you too"

 

However, it sounds like he kept his end of the "bargain" which was to be fwb only, and he's ok with that arrangement.

Note that there is a difference between not having sex with other people vs being exclusive. Just because I don't have anyone else to have sex with right now or don't prioritise it right now, doesn't mean I am exclusive with someone or that this translates into some sort of commitment.

 

If you need to have clarity, then have an honest chat with him. Look I have feelings for you which I realise means I am not keeping my end of the deal, so I want to talk about whether we can renegotiate the deal. I don't feel I can continue being uninvolved and maintain this fwb. Are you interested in getting into a relationship? I would like to try. Take some time to think about it if you want. Either way I will respect your decision.

 

Wondering, did you miss the part where she already told him how she felt, and he said "I don't really care"?

 

When a guy is THIS cold and unfeeling in response to an expression of feelings, no more *discussion* necessary.

 

You just walk away and find a guy who does care!

 

JMO.

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Its only been a day. But im kind of regretting being honest with him. I feel like I should of just let it be and not have said anything...

What do you think about all of this? Do you think I made things complicated?

 

The only thing complicating things are your emotions. You had a valid reason to end things. Stick with that.

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Wondering, did you miss the part where she already told him how she felt, and he said "I don't really care"?

 

When a guy is THIS cold and unfeeling in response to an expression of feelings, no more *discussion* necessary.

 

You just walk away and find a guy who does care!

 

JMO.

 

Haha. Ouch.

I didn't miss it. It sounds like the OP is still feeling confused despite that answer that looks clear to the outsiders eye.

 

You know that film with Jim Carley where he asks the woman

What are the chances of you and I getting together?

She answers, about one in a million!

And he says, so there IS a chance!

 

Sometimes you need to hear the words from his mouth to be sure beyond doubt and be able to move on, than keep wondering what he might have meant.

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Wondering, did you miss the part where she already told him how she felt, and he said "I don't really care"?

 

When a guy is THIS cold and unfeeling in response to an expression of feelings, no more *discussion* necessary.

 

You just walk away and find a guy who does care!

 

JMO.

 

The "I don't really care" part isn't actually important. The real thing he says is "it is up to you but come back when you feel comfortable". He wants her back past this. That's the problem with FWB or just friends is that the rules are anyone that has feelings causes the friendship to break. So then neither side ever wants to admit to having feelings. That's how she started it by saying, um, I'm having these feelings and it's a problem. The fact is that if you're doing everything you would do in a relationship then you pretty much have feelings. You can't just talk all day with someone, sleep with them, and then claim that you have no feelings. What is he doing? Calling her up out of civil duty or something? I say the dude has feelings, and they need to start calling it like it is.

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Well, I used to see a guy years ago. We spent every single weekend together, traveled together, I met his family, he came to my family's holiday gatherings, he met my kids, I stayed with his family overnight more than once while he was traveling...but when I sat him down for "the talk", he told me he "liked" me, but that he didn't feel anything more than that. He told me he would continue to accept the sex and companionship for however long I was willing to give them to him, but that if I stopped it wouldn't really bother him that much. He told me that the set up was "convenient" for him...meaning that he didn't have to search for sex and that it was nice to have someone who did things for him and who brought him food, etc. But it wasn't "love".

 

And BTW, this situation with him went on for nearly two years.

 

So no, a guy doing all those things doesn't mean he "has feelings".

 

I'm sure he likes you just fine. I'm sure the sex and companionship are pleasant and enjoyable for him. But if he had "feelings", he would have said so just so you wouldn't up and leave him. And he would have followed through with the hangout he suggested.

 

If you have feelings and he doesn't...don't torture yourself by continuing to pretend you're fine with a casual FWB situation.

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The "I don't really care" part isn't actually important. The real thing he says is "it is up to you but come back when you feel comfortable". He wants her back past this. That's the problem with FWB or just friends is that the rules are anyone that has feelings causes the friendship to break. So then neither side ever wants to admit to having feelings. That's how she started it by saying, um, I'm having these feelings and it's a problem. The fact is that if you're doing everything you would do in a relationship then you pretty much have feelings. You can't just talk all day with someone, sleep with them, and then claim that you have no feelings. What is he doing? Calling her up out of civil duty or something? I say the dude has feelings, and they need to start calling it like it is.

 

The *real* thing he said was "I don't really care. It's up to you, come back when you feel comfortable."

 

That is what is otherwise known as a "mixed* message.

 

Important to listen to BOTH messages (NOT just the one you *want* to hear), and if it were me I would be focusing more on the message "I don't really care."

 

Again, you can't get much COLDER than that, no matter what he said after.

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Am I the only one who thinks this conversation was good on both sides? It was good for you to share your truth. And it was good for him to share his.

 

I wouldn't be offended if someone said "he doesn't care." Contextually, he was just saying, he's just the FWB - no more. Living in the moment. Enjoying time together. Not catching feelings.

 

And now you can move on.

 

I think the bigger picture is that FWBs are often a bad idea because one person often catches feelings like this.

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Am I the only one who thinks this conversation was good on both sides? It was good for you to share your truth. And it was good for him to share his.

 

I wouldn't be offended if someone said "he doesn't care." Contextually, he was just saying, he's just the FWB - no more. Living in the moment. Enjoying time together. Not catching feelings.

 

And now you can move on.

 

I think the bigger picture is that FWBs are often a bad idea because one person often catches feelings like this.

 

I think we agree Ms. D.

 

I wouldn't necessarily be *offended* either, I would actually be happy because then I would know he didn't give a sh, and would be able to move on before spending any more time and energy becoming more attached to a man who didn't give a sh except being an FWB.

 

Blessing/opportunity in disguise is what I would call it.

 

An opportunity to find someone better for me. Someone who cares enough to want to have a relationship with me.

 

So in that sense, it was a great conversation!

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Well, I used to see a guy years ago. We spent every single weekend together, traveled together, I met his family, he came to my family's holiday gatherings, he met my kids, I stayed with his family overnight more than once while he was traveling...but when I sat him down for "the talk", he told me he "liked" me, but that he didn't feel anything more than that. He told me he would continue to accept the sex and companionship for however long I was willing to give them to him, but that if I stopped it wouldn't really bother him that much. He told me that the set up was "convenient" for him...meaning that he didn't have to search for sex and that it was nice to have someone who did things for him and who brought him food, etc. But it wasn't "love".

 

And BTW, this situation with him went on for nearly two years.

 

So no, a guy doing all those things doesn't mean he "has feelings".

 

I'm sure he likes you just fine. I'm sure the sex and companionship are pleasant and enjoyable for him. But if he had "feelings", he would have said so just so you wouldn't up and leave him. And he would have followed through with the hangout he suggested.

 

If you have feelings and he doesn't...don't torture yourself by continuing to pretend you're fine with a casual FWB situation.

 

Sorry you went through that, that's pretty harsh.

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Just to play Devil's Advocate... did you ASK him if a relationship is possible and he would be willing to eventually commit when you both are ready, or did you just lead with "I have feelings so we should stop."?

 

Frankly, he should have had the emotional intelligence and 'nads to pick up on that being what you want to come from it (a commitment of some kind), but he sounds like he's not one to really go that far with his emotions and maybe needed things spelled out a little clearer. If he was saying it was exclusive between you two and he didn't want to see other people, what exactly was he against?

 

I don't like the "I don't care" response, but the way I read this, it sounds like he thought you were just dumping him from your conversation.

 

Regardless, if he has made it clear that he cannot be in a relationship with you and that this is not going to go in that direction, there is no point in feeling bad about this and certainly no point in prolonging it any further.

 

I agree that he has/had his defenses up and generally expects to get dumped, and therefore doesn't recognize when he actually enjoys someone's company. Which he does, at least enough to be in your company much of the time.

 

It is possible that neither of you tolerates being alone, and that you would not CHOOSE each other but rather are using each other to fill your own need for company of any sort. In which case, this case of the feels may really be more like addiction, not emotion. If it is addiction, you are well to end it and it will be tough for a bit. Better now than later.

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It is possible that neither of you tolerates being alone, and that you would not CHOOSE each other but rather are using each other to fill your own need for company of any sort. In which case, this case of the feels may really be more like addiction, not emotion. If it is addiction, you are well to end it and it will be tough for a bit. Better now than later.

 

You're right, I feel like its more of an addiction rather than emotion...

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I am willing to come back just for the company and sex. I can control my emotions now.

I've done some thinking and I know for a fact that I would not want a relationship with him anyway. So just enjoy things, enjoy the moment, enjoy the company while it lasts...

 

 

When should I hit him up to "come back"?

Should I just wait?

 

By the way, he hit me up last night...well not really hit me up but he commented on one of my snapchats and said "LOL"...idk if I should read in to it?

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I am willing to come back just for the company and sex. I can control my emotions now.

I've done some thinking and I know for a fact that I would not want a relationship with him anyway. So just enjoy things, enjoy the moment, enjoy the company while it lasts...

 

 

When should I hit him up to "come back"?

Should I just wait?

 

By the way, he hit me up last night...well not really hit me up but he commented on one of my snapchats and said "LOL"...idk if I should read in to it?

 

You are kidding yourself .... completely.

 

The fact that you couldn't go a day without regretting your decision (not to that you are analysing a simple "LOL") shows that you are not in control of your emotions. If you were you would still be standing by your decision to end things.

 

What's to read into anyway ... it's just sex. If you want it, he isn't going to say no.

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