How to get past relationship anxiety, and open up to communication?

[IndieTalks]

I've been with a pretty amazing guy now, for around six months, we've just made the move to move in with each other. And in that score everything is fine. However, around Christmas time, while he was down with his family. I noticed he had messaged one of his ex's on Facebook asking for forgiveness on how he handled the breakup.I was pretty upset about this, but eventually we resolved it. We're now living together and he's now messaging what he called his "friend" Rachael. I hate to admit this, but at this time I was looking at his phone, but I was racked up with trust issues and insecurity. I didn't bring this up in conversation however,instead when he showed me a picture on her profile, I asked about her, and being rather blunt, I asked whether there had been any romantic connection between them. The reply I got was "Not, really, no."

However, yesterday through a mutual friend, I discovered there was... where as he was quite clearly besotted with her. I hate to say it, but Iam a little upset over this, all I wanted was the truth. And now, I'm sat here confused on ether I'm overeactting that he's been talking to her ( also over the Christmas break) perhaps just wanting to have a friendship with her. Or I'm I justified and should bring it up with him?

I guess my question is really, how to get over this anxiety and open up communitcation wothin a relationship, without feeling like I'm being" clingy" of "annoying". I really do want this to work...but at the same time, I don't want to be made a fool of ...

Thanks,

Indie

[leseine7]

First thing to get out of the way: You have got to stop snooping on your boyfriend and reading his private messages. There is no excuse for invading his privacy, and if your trust issues with him are so severe that you are digging for that kind of evidence, then this relationship has absolutely no future, period.

 

If you need to be in a relationship where the other person is not allowed to interact with the opposite sex, then you need to be clear about that with your SO. But you will obviously have a hard time finding someone who is cool with that. Look, if you have trust issues from previous relationships where you got burned, it is showing its ugly face here and I hear ya - it's hard to give faith to someone new if you were hurt before. But it's your responsibility to own those issues and deal with them - not put your current SO in some kind of prison where he has to be careful about who he is interacting with. At the very least, he should know that you are regularly checking his messages and that his private conversations are no longer private, so he can decide if he wants to date that.

 

What is causing you to show this amount of distrust in him, specifically? It's pretty extreme to be asking others about if what he told you about a friend is true or not. Has he ever given you any valid reasons for being this paranoid? I do not think it is a crime for him to have written that message to his ex. If anything, I would take that as a sign that he is mature enough to own up to the mistakes he made in the past. And just because he had feelings for a girl in the past does not mean he is messaging with them to cheat on you or be shady. My boyfriend doesn't know my exact history with every single guy I'm friends and in touch with, and I occasionally message guys I used to have crushes on at one time but definitely DO not anymore. We are friends. My exes are also occasionally in touch with me. I don't even think my boyfriend would ask me about any of this if he saw their names popping up on my phone, and I literally could not tell you who he messages because I leave his phone and messages alone.

 

Last point I have to make... six months is pretty much NO time to be moving in with someone. That is seriously fast. To me, it seems like you are trying to rush things in order to gain some kind of security you do not feel with this guy, and you are simultaneously sabotaging the progress of the relationship by digging for bad signs and shadiness. You need to figure out if you want to be with this person or not, and commit to being in a fair relationship.

[Pretzel]

Hm I always find it very suspicious when someone is friends with an ex. I'm not friends with any of my exes, and couldn't imagine feeling that would be appropriate, for myself or for anyone i am seeing.

 

I do have a friendship with someone I dated for a couple of months, this is because we see each other at work all the time, and we were friends prior to the dating period anyway, so i easily justify that in that our relationship has always been predominantly friendship, and i don't have any romantic feelings there anymore.

 

I don't support going through his phone though, you should feel comfortable about not seeing what's on his phone. It sets a bad standard for your relationship. I can see the temptation sure, but just try to enforce discipline and really think about what you are doing here. It can spiral out of control and next you'll be trying to snoop in other areas too.

 

In order to feel more secure the most you can do is have a heart to heart and ask if him if he thinks his friendship with his ex is appropriate or not. Maybe you need to give it time as well, and over time you'll better know if it is appropriate. For the timebeing though you just have to trust him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. 6 mos of dating and already living together is a huge red flag. Too much, too soon, too fast. What was the rush?

 

Was he on the rebound when you met? Why can't he have female friends?

 

Sadly this suspicion, snooping and jealousy will make this situation implode. No boundaries and no trust as well as not even knowing each other really and jumping into moving in together is a recipe for disaster.

around six months, we've just made the move to move in with each other.

We're now living together and he's now messaging what he called his "friend" Rachael. However, yesterday through a mutual friend, I discovered there was... where as he was quite clearly besotted with her. how to get over this anxiety and open up communitcation wothin a relationship, without feeling like I'm being" clingy" of "annoying".

[surfdiva]

Was there a reason you had to move in together so quickly? Lease term up or something like that? Six months seems sooooo soon. You still don't even really know each other at the six month mark. This is a huge red flag to me.