Any chance for this to work?

[DaveSK]

Been dating a girl for the last month and a half. To keep things short, got off to a weird start due to complications with some of our friends. Outside of that though, everything started great. She showed a very strong interest and we chatted and texted daily, hung out a lot. Dates all went really well. Things seemed like they couldn't be going better.

 

We both left the place that we live for Christmas and kept things going with the chatting. Typically more than I would even like, but in this case I was fine with it. I even made the trip to meet her parents for NYE which I thought was weird so early on, but she wanted it and I thought I was doing what was necessary to keep things going. Ive had a hard time dating since moving to where I live now, and didn't want to mess this one up.

 

The last couple weeks have been very different than the first few. As soon as we got back she became distant. Still chatted every day, and all day, but her tone was off.

 

I was ok with that. Knew she was struggling being away from her family, stressed about work, and stressed about the complicated situation with our friends at the start of the relationship. Lots going on. On top of this she has an incurable disease that makes her feel sick pretty frequently and makes her tired all the time.

 

Throughout all this, even in the good times, we agreed we were mutually dating each other but taking things very slow and avoiding official relationship titles. Which I have been completely fine with.

 

This last week she had a procedure related to her illness that didn't yield the best news. There was also a development with our friend situation that wasn't the best.

 

The first time we hung out after the procedure she said things weren't ok, wanted to take a step back, and wanted me to date other people. Said it was because she couldn't hang out with me like I wanted and that made her sad and stressed and that made her illness worse, so she would feel better knowing I wasn't alone all the time. And that no matter what I said about being ok with hanging out less it would still be a factor. Seemed like she was trying to end things, but I asked to table the discussion cause she was going through a lot.

 

We talked again a few days later, and it was essentially the same thing. She was stressed about it still and stress made her feel worse. Said she had dated a guy more recently who was emotionally needy and even if I wasn't that way it made her expect that sort of thing, and she just couldn't do that with me. Said she didn't know if she'd be better in weeks, months, years with her treatment and because there wasn't an end date she needed to break things off. Said that she needed to focus on health and work and I was the easiest thing to cut out of her life. Tried to negotiate or find an alternative and she was adamant about not dating me.

 

I had concerns she was just not interested anymore and didn't want to say so to be nice, or there was another guy in the picture, as she's dealt with the illness for years but has still had relationships. At the moment Im just taking it at face value, and taking it as what she told me cause I think it's reasonable.

 

I want to get back together with her badly. I've been holding strong with not reaching out and think I can do that for a while. Im planning on giving it two or three weeks and then trying to meet her for a hail Mary effort to ask for her back. I've even got a date lined up so I can tell her I tried dating others (not fair to this girl Im taking out, I know). Fingers crossed that she misses it before that point, but Im not sure if two or three weeks is too short or too long to give her some space and try again.

 

Thoughts?

[ChellyV]

Be there and hang on. If she is going through some issues in life, be there for her. Time will come, you will go through some things too and you will need that company.

Some people fail to admit need when they are down or going through some unpleasant things. It is unspoken that we should be with our loved ones when they need us the most. If she is unable to communicate as much as she used to, perhaps that is something you guys can talk about, but make sure to be clear with your intent that you are would like to pursue this.

[DaveSK]

Hi Chelly,

 

Maybe I didn't communicate this well, but our last conversation ended with the full on breakup. I fully communicated I wanted to keep something, in any form, going with her but she was not wanting that. She was well aware of my feelings toward her. We have not communicated in any way since the breakup.

 

During that conversation I did say Id be around to talk cause I knew she was going through a lot. However, I was hurt, and also said I needed time to get over it and implied that keeping a friend relationship up likely wouldn't happen.

 

In the moment I was just a little shell shocked that it was over, and the last few days have been planning an attempt to get back together. I haven't thought of keeping lines of communication open, cause I thought she just needed space and time completely away. Now Im thinking it was only the relationship part she didn't want.

[Wiseman2]

Don't "ask her back" after no contact. Simply reach out and say 'how would you like to get some lunch [or whatever, movie she likes, coffee, etc] this weekend". Don't pounce.

 

All you can do is lay back a bit and make sure that in an effort to care, you are not smothering her. That means slow down on the texting next time and offer to do low key dates or hangouts.