Husband has feelings for a female friend

[jenn2248]

I'll start off by saying this is my first post so I apologize for any formatting errors.

 

So, as the title says, my husband recently admitted to having feelings for a female friend of his. This girl is a mutual friend of ours, who he has known for many years. She is also dating his best friend. Our marriage has been rocky lately to say the least. Over the Thanksgiving holidays he went back to our hometown to visit friends and family (I could not join because of work conflicts). While he was there, he called me one morning telling me that neither of us were happy and he was going to divorce me. He told me it wasn't my fault, but there was just no spark anymore. We had been fighting a lot leading up to that, but it still shocked me because he always told me things were fine and "we were going through a rough patch" but that he loved me unconditionally. I told him I felt we should try counseling before jumping straight into divorce, but he wouldn't hear it. It was clear he had already made up his mind.

 

So we mutually decided to cut contact with each other for the remainder of the time he was away. When he came home, I didn't bring up the divorce at all, but he did make a few comments indicating that was still what he wanted. Things were tense, he was closed off, and I needed more answers about what was going through his head. I went through his phone, and found dozens of explicit messages between him and the female friend, and another girl who I later found out he randomly met while he was back home. The random girl had spent the night in a hotel with him, he took her on several expensive dates, she sent him topless photos, etc. He had told everyone back home that he and I were basically divorced and that it was amicable and I was ok with him seeing other people--all lies. I left the house that night with him begging me to come home because he didn't want to leave on bad terms (he is military and was leaving for a month of training the next morning). I eventually did come home to find him bawling his eyes out and telling me I deserved better and he regretted everything (but still wanted a divorce).

 

He left the next morning still adamant about divorcing me. We didn't talk much over the next few days, and then out of the blue he messaged me saying he was so stupid and wanted me back, that he was lying to himself about not loving me because it made it easier. I was extremely skeptical and I still am... but I agreed to take him back as long as he cut contact with the random girl and went to counseling with me. He agreed.

 

Fast forward a month. He gets home, we talk about everything that's happened, I explain my fears and doubts and overall how hurt I am over this. He seemed genuinely regretful and wanting to improve our relationship. To sum up the next few weeks after that, things are just weird. I was having a really hard time just putting the past behind me and the more I dwelled on it the farther away he seemed to go. He kept telling me "we can't move forward if you're just living in the past". It's not like I brought up what happened every chance I got or held it over his head, I just wanted reassurance when I was feeling insecure. But he was really done talking about it. Which just made me feel worse... It was a nasty cycle. Throughout all this he was constantly talking to the female friend. I mean 24/7. Every time he checked his phone there was another text from her. He refused and got defensive when I asked to see his phone or his messages. He calls her at late hours, texts her all day, and when we went home for New Year's he spent time with her alone, knowing that I was very uncomfortable with that. Then last week he tells me "most of my heart belongs to you, but a small part of it is always going to belong to her". I didn't get angry I just asked him if he thought that was fair to me.

 

It's very hard for me to know where to draw the line here. I know that might make me sound weak minded, but my head is just all over the place. Any time I hint at wanting him to stop talking to her so much or not to hang out with her alone, he acts like I'm crazy for even suggesting that due to them being such good friends. I really feel that he is disrespecting me and our relationship. I don't want to give him an ultimatum or tell him that now I'm the one considering divorce because I am still very much in love with him and I believe we can work through this once we start counseling in February. At the same time, I am tired of feeling like a doormat that he can walk all over.

 

Sorry for the very long post, any advice is really appreciated!

[agent1607307371]

Throughout all this he was constantly talking to the female friend.

 

Look, in order for you to stay his wife he agreed that he would not talk to this woman.

 

He is talking to her. He will not give her up. He has chosen her over you and your marriage.

 

You know what you have to do.

[Seraphim]

Unfortunately, it sounds like this has been happening for some time. The bawling sounds practised. He wants forgiveness for cheating on HIS time line not yours. He's making himself out to be the victim here . He is NOT.

 

If you have had sex with him please go and get checked for STDs . I would divorce him.

[milly007]

Can you continue being married to this man who has admitted that he will always have feelings for this woman? And knowing that he continues to communicate with her on a daily basis?

 

You are not unreasonable for wanting him to cut ties with this woman. He's the unreasonable one here. I wonder how he would feel if your roles were flipped, and you were the one that had feelings for someone else? Doubt he would appreciate you maintaining a relationship with this person.

 

I understand that you love him, but if a friend came to me with this predicament, I would suggest drawing boundaries and ensuring that he cut ties with her. I can't see there being a happy marriage with this other woman still in the picture. Counselling is for working through your marital issues and coming to a resolution. If the source of the problem still exists (I.e. This other woman), how will the counselling help your marriage? Just my two cents.

[Almira23]

Jenn, you have done all you could. You are attempting to fix a marriage where the other partner is not willing to put forth the same effort. I don't think that you asked too much when you demanded that he cut contact with the "friend" and that the two of you attend counseling.

 

He is a cheater and has no respect for your marriage. I do hope that you leave him and consult a lawyer to see what your next options should be.

[Lester]

"...we start counseling in February."

- It won't help, and play right into what he wants: more time for thrill.

 

Everything you thought and heard are only symptoms of the problem.

 

First Aid:

- Understand infidelity. Secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book and don't confuse Dobson with current watered-down versions of TL.)

- Stop talking to him.

- Stop making any suggestions and DO NOT go to counseling!

- Stop all sex and make sure doesn't sleep in the same room with you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How long were you married? Unfortunately you seem to have only three options. Allow him to cheat, get marriage therapy or get divorced. He only seems open to cheating or divorce.

 

It would be best to cover you bases and get your ducks in a row. This means going to therapy alone to sort out thoughts and feelings and consulting a divorce attorney confidentially to discuss your options in that event.

 

Only with these two sources of emotional support and practical information, can you begin to make an informed choice about what you want to do. In the mean time it would be best to separate and ask him to move out so you can clear your head and prepare your course of action.

 

Being idle and wishful thinking will leave you devastated while he plans his next moves. The advantage you have is that he probably considered divorce and found it disadvantageous to him so figured cheating is cheaper. That's the only reason he came back, not to work on the marriage.

my husband recently admitted to having feelings for a female friend of his. he called me one morning telling me that neither of us were happy and he was going to divorce me. He kept telling me "we can't move forward if you're just living in the past". Throughout all this he was constantly talking to the female friend. we went home for New Year's he spent time with her alone, knowing that I was very uncomfortable with that. Then last week he tells me "most of my heart belongs to you, but a small part of it is always going to belong to her".

[Jibralta]

I think he is using you. He wants you around when he can't get anything better.

 

He always has a line in the water. The moment he can get a bigger fish, he'll drop you like a hot potato, as he's done before.

 

When she's done with him, he'll be grovelling at your doorstep again.

 

He has no self respect. He has no respect for you. He has no respect for his marriage.

 

If he was committed to a relationship with you, he would stop fishing for other women.

[pippy longstocking]

Then last week he tells me "most of my heart belongs to you, but a small part of it is always going to belong to her"

 

That would do it for me .... my husband *sharing his heart * ...nah

[Tanzi]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

Your husband is either committed to making your marriage work or he isn't. If he isn't going to stop having contact with this other woman then he isn't committed to making it work.

 

He isn't willing to give her up and that should not be acceptable.

[derroax]

Some people are just master manipulators. Make you think you're crazy and unreasonable.

You're not unreasonable at all, and you are right to feel this way.

 

He is pretending that you have a problem with him being friends with her - NO, your problem is not that he has a female friend, but that he has cheated on you and this has put a significant dent onto your marriage. It's not clear whether the girl he's talking to is the one who sent him the nude messages, or the other one (presumably there wasn't anything suspicious about her at the time).

 

He screwed up by cheating on you, and it sounds like you wanted to get back together more than he did - at the moment it sounds like he feels that because he accepted to get back together, you "owe" him something. This is uneven playing field, where you are indebted to him, yet the reality is he is "indebted" to you - in the sense that he has to do a lot to regain your trust.

 

As long as this playing field is uneven, you will continue sinking into insecurities and hurt, and he will continue doing his own thing while getting frustrated that you're "nagging" at him about his texts with that woman.

 

You have two choices now:

- let him be and trust him unconditionally, with the risk that he is having inappropriate conversations with that woman. It could be nothing at all and it could be that he is fully committed to you now. Regardless of that, not knowing could get you more frustrated and hurt and if your need to regain the trust isn't addressed, things will continue to go downhill.

- confront him about the texts and don't end it until you see all of them - if he doesn't, ask him to leave. The fact he is secretive about it is a big red flag in itself. But this runs the big risk that this conversation could end in separation.

 

Take time to decide whether you're ready to accept a potential lie and not have your needs addressed, vs potentially separating. Of course the other outcome could be that he faces the mistakes he's made and commits to change.

 

It's not an easy one and I feel for you for dealing with this. I admire your commitment and feel that you're a grown up, authentic person who will find the right way to deal with it.

[Applewhite]

Look, in order for you to stay his wife he agreed that he would not talk to this woman.

 

He is talking to her. He will not give her up. He has chosen her over you and your marriage.

 

You know what you have to do.

 

This is just semantics but he agreed to not speak to the "random" woman not the "friend" woman (there are two other women here).

 

I wonder how he would like it if you also were free to date and found another man whom part of your heart would also belong to. I would ask him about this out of curiosity before I leave him (regardless of the answer). I am just telling you what *I* would do.

[jujusamples]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all that. I think you've done all that you could and if you hang on to this, you are going to damage your emotions and self esteem even more. Your husband knows your weakness and obviously you are a kind loving person and is taking it to his advantage.

I agree with another poster, go seek some legal advice. I believe in forgiveness if the person is truly sorry but your husband is not.

 

You are a big person to have forgiven him after he cheated. I personally would not be able to do it. I probably can forgive but not forget. I'll have too much insecurities to stay with a person whom cheated on me and all he wants is a divorce. Him having feelings for another woman, no, no and no! Your husband seems entitled, he thinks he could do whatever he chooses to do. If you have feelings for another man and cheated on him, would he be okay with that? Probably not. The decision is yours, but I really hope you kick him to the curb. He does not deserve your love and kindness.

[boltnrun]

Isn't adultery illegal in the military? Of course, I'm assuming you're American.

 

Maybe he checked and found out it is "cheaper to keep her". That happened to my friend; her husband initially wanted a divorce but then, after consulting an attorney and finding out what he would have to shell out to her and their child, he came back all wanting to stay married. Of course, he wanted to also continue his serial affairs. She divorced him because she was tired of being viewed as a ball and chain he was stuck with because he didn't want to give up any money.

 

Seems to me like your husband wants it both ways; to remain married so he won't have to deal with the consequences of both of his affairs (the "random" woman and the one he's still involved with) and still be able to have his other woman.

 

Tell him "No!"...he needs to choose, total commitment to his marriage without any third party involved, or divorce and he can spend all the time he wants with his chippy but he'll have to fulfill all legal and financial obligations toward you and any children you two have together (sorry, can't recall if you two have children).

[Applewhite]

Isn't adultery illegal in the military? Of course, I'm assuming you're American.

 

Maybe he checked and found out it is "cheaper to keep her". That happened to my friend; her husband initially wanted a divorce but then, after consulting an attorney and finding out what he would have to shell out to her and their child, he came back all wanting to stay married. Of course, he wanted to also continue his serial affairs. She divorced him because she was tired of being viewed as a ball and chain he was stuck with because he didn't want to give up any money.

 

Seems to me like your husband wants it both ways; to remain married so he won't have to deal with the consequences of both of his affairs (the "random" woman and the one he's still involved with) and still be able to have his other woman.

 

Tell him "No!"...he needs to choose, total commitment to his marriage without any third party involved, or divorce and he can spend all the time he wants with his chippy but he'll have to fulfill all legal and financial obligations toward you and any children you two have together (sorry, can't recall if you two have children).

I was thinking exactly this, both about the military and the $$ but somehow didn't want to spell it out - I thought maybe it was reading too much into it. But now that I see someone else noticed it too maybe there's some validity/truth to these thoughts with respect to his real intentions of staying married with you.

[catfeeder]

I'd kick him out. I'd tell him it's on him to work through his own stuff, and I don't want to hear a word from him for at least 6 months, and not unless and until he's completely done and over whutsername. From there I'd decide where I want to stand, but in the meantime I'd see a lawyer for legal advice about the laws in my location and my options. I wouldn't invest the funds to initiate anything beyond a legal separation if it would benefit me by protecting me from any debt he incurs. I'd leave any expenses involving divorce up to him.

[lostandhurt]

So this is what happened.

 

He started flirting with is best friends girl and she liked it and they started some sort of affair. Then while home he hooked up with some random chick and banged her a few times. He is now living in a fantasy you cannot compete with so he tells you he wants a divorce.

 

Then he comes home.

 

Reality sets in and he probably talks to a buddy that tells him he is so screwed because the military comes down hard on guys that cheat and divorce their wives. So he cries his crocodile tears and promises to be better. But he isn't thrilled when you don't just go back to the way things were and be happy he isn't leaving you. Then the scare wears off a little and he starts talking to his "friend" again more and more and the fantasy is built right back up.

 

He doesn't want the marriage to work because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he wants to save his butt is all and figures he will stay married to you and bang chicks on the side but be more careful this time.

 

I don't see how you can save this with his attitude.

 

Do you live on the base in their housing? I would go and talk to some of the wives on the base or a base counselor to find out what your rights are.

 

I am sorry. I know how much it hurts to be cheated on.

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

That would do it for me .... my husband *sharing his heart * ...nah

 

I can tell you what "small part of his heart" he is talking to as far as belonging to her...and its not exactly heartshaped...and its a little lower on his body...

[abitbroken]

Isn't adultery illegal in the military? Of course, I'm assuming you're American.

 

Maybe he checked and found out it is "cheaper to keep her". That happened to my friend; her husband initially wanted a divorce but then, after consulting an attorney and finding out what he would have to shell out to her and their child, he came back all wanting to stay married. Of course, he wanted to also continue his serial affairs. She divorced him because she was tired of being viewed as a ball and chain he was stuck with because he didn't want to give up any money.

 

Seems to me like your husband wants it both ways; to remain married so he won't have to deal with the consequences of both of his affairs (the "random" woman and the one he's still involved with) and still be able to have his other woman.

 

Tell him "No!"...he needs to choose, total commitment to his marriage without any third party involved, or divorce and he can spend all the time he wants with his chippy but he'll have to fulfill all legal and financial obligations toward you and any children you two have together (sorry, can't recall if you two have children).

 

Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice makes criminal the act of adultery when certain legal criteria, known as “elements,” have all been met. There are three distinct elements to the crime of adultery under the UCMJ: first, a Soldier must have had sexual intercourse with someone; second, the Soldier or their sexual partner was married to someone else at the time; and third, that under the circumstances, the conduct of the Soldier was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

 

Its not so much a "moral Judgement" but a "code of conduct and honor" situation. I think its particularly harsh if you live on base. I would look into this. He can't take you to the cleaners and ride into the sunset with a mistress and not expect repurcussions