jenn2248 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 I'll start off by saying this is my first post so I apologize for any formatting errors. So, as the title says, my husband recently admitted to having feelings for a female friend of his. This girl is a mutual friend of ours, who he has known for many years. She is also dating his best friend. Our marriage has been rocky lately to say the least. Over the Thanksgiving holidays he went back to our hometown to visit friends and family (I could not join because of work conflicts). While he was there, he called me one morning telling me that neither of us were happy and he was going to divorce me. He told me it wasn't my fault, but there was just no spark anymore. We had been fighting a lot leading up to that, but it still shocked me because he always told me things were fine and "we were going through a rough patch" but that he loved me unconditionally. I told him I felt we should try counseling before jumping straight into divorce, but he wouldn't hear it. It was clear he had already made up his mind. So we mutually decided to cut contact with each other for the remainder of the time he was away. When he came home, I didn't bring up the divorce at all, but he did make a few comments indicating that was still what he wanted. Things were tense, he was closed off, and I needed more answers about what was going through his head. I went through his phone, and found dozens of explicit messages between him and the female friend, and another girl who I later found out he randomly met while he was back home. The random girl had spent the night in a hotel with him, he took her on several expensive dates, she sent him topless photos, etc. He had told everyone back home that he and I were basically divorced and that it was amicable and I was ok with him seeing other people--all lies. I left the house that night with him begging me to come home because he didn't want to leave on bad terms (he is military and was leaving for a month of training the next morning). I eventually did come home to find him bawling his eyes out and telling me I deserved better and he regretted everything (but still wanted a divorce). He left the next morning still adamant about divorcing me. We didn't talk much over the next few days, and then out of the blue he messaged me saying he was so stupid and wanted me back, that he was lying to himself about not loving me because it made it easier. I was extremely skeptical and I still am... but I agreed to take him back as long as he cut contact with the random girl and went to counseling with me. He agreed. Fast forward a month. He gets home, we talk about everything that's happened, I explain my fears and doubts and overall how hurt I am over this. He seemed genuinely regretful and wanting to improve our relationship. To sum up the next few weeks after that, things are just weird. I was having a really hard time just putting the past behind me and the more I dwelled on it the farther away he seemed to go. He kept telling me "we can't move forward if you're just living in the past". It's not like I brought up what happened every chance I got or held it over his head, I just wanted reassurance when I was feeling insecure. But he was really done talking about it. Which just made me feel worse... It was a nasty cycle. Throughout all this he was constantly talking to the female friend. I mean 24/7. Every time he checked his phone there was another text from her. He refused and got defensive when I asked to see his phone or his messages. He calls her at late hours, texts her all day, and when we went home for New Year's he spent time with her alone, knowing that I was very uncomfortable with that. Then last week he tells me "most of my heart belongs to you, but a small part of it is always going to belong to her". I didn't get angry I just asked him if he thought that was fair to me. It's very hard for me to know where to draw the line here. I know that might make me sound weak minded, but my head is just all over the place. Any time I hint at wanting him to stop talking to her so much or not to hang out with her alone, he acts like I'm crazy for even suggesting that due to them being such good friends. I really feel that he is disrespecting me and our relationship. I don't want to give him an ultimatum or tell him that now I'm the one considering divorce because I am still very much in love with him and I believe we can work through this once we start counseling in February. At the same time, I am tired of feeling like a doormat that he can walk all over. Sorry for the very long post, any advice is really appreciated! Link to comment
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