missing a toxic ex

[Seanr]

Hi all

 

I am new to this site.

 

I split with my partner in October. She is 40, I am 42. We have had an on off relationship for over 8 years. She had a daughter when I met her and we went on to have a little boy together.

 

I left as she kept throwing me out. She would say horrible things and if I replied to any of them she would rattle off another ten insults. She became physically abusive, breaking my possessions, hitting her daughter and attacking me (an attack that our little boy was caught up in and became distressed). To my dismay after that attack she blamed it all on me for something I said before the attack began.

 

I also found out that she lied to me on two major issues. She was never unfaithful and I saw many great qualities in her. But the lying & domestic violence were scary.

 

I miss her a lot. I spent Xmas more or less alone apart from seeing our son and I know she reacts by going to dating sites, getting out on the town.

 

I miss her a lot. I have had a number of girlfriends in the past but none seem like her. I think she has borderline personality disorder as her moods are crazy and she will unleash on me & expect no reaction back.

 

Anyone ever been in a situation like this? I would like to move on and I have a vision of what I want from life after her. But sometimes I look at myself and say 'who would want you?' which is probably one of the outcomes of an abusive relationship? Before I met her I was with another lady for a long time but we fizzled out knowing it wasn't right for us. That Lady & I are still friends and I walked away with my confidence intact. Totally different story now.

[gebaird]

My friend was in a relationship with someone who had BPD. Her experience was similar to what you are describing. When it was good it was amazing (nothing could compare), and when it was bad it was unbelievably bad (again, nothing could compare). Her self-confidence was absolutely destroyed. It was hard for me to watch, because she is/was an amazing girl and a good friend, and he had her thinking SHE was the toxic one. I've never seen anything quite like it.

 

If you value your self-esteem, you won't go back to her. I think the best thing you can do for your child is create a separate household where he can experience the stability and love she simply can't provide. Your good example can help him choose a better path in life than the example his mom is going to set for him.

[Hollyj]

Are the kids safe in this environment? This should be your main concern.

[Seanr]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Yes they are my main concern. I reported incidents to Government agencies but they said they could see no problem. I have time with my boy and I absolutely adore him but it is a small amount of his week. I am trying to get more.

 

While I miss her, the kids safety was my priority. They have seen some appalling things happen. Any time we have parted, it is like she wants attention from a man right away. I'm the opposite - I retreat and try to heal but usually both our circles meet when she doesn't feel anything for her new person and I am somewhat healed. Someone suggests meeting and we get talking. Then reunite.

 

Early in the relationship I was immature with regard to her & her daughter. Now I am a much different man to 8 years ago. My son is everything. I couldn't stay where he was seeing me being physically hit. When she loses her temper she is like an animal. I suggested getting help before but when I did her answer was to end the relationship and tell me how awful a partner I am.

 

Maybe I am completely wrong to miss her. Maybe I have been emotionally abused.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Has it been this volatile for the entire 8 years of on/off, being thrown out etc?

 

Sounds like hell for everyone especially the kids. Does she have a drug or drinking habit? Since she's the mother of your child you'll have to work out child support and getting custody to protect him if she's that violent and unstable.

 

Before you start thinking of who's next, start severing this legally with regard to your son.

We have had an on off relationship for over 8 years.we went on to have a little boy together. I left as she kept throwing me out. She became physically abusive, breaking my possessions, hitting her daughter and attacking me. her moods are crazy and she will unleash on me & expect no reaction back. I would like to move on and I have a vision of what I want from life after her.

[Seanr]

Sorry to hear this. Has it been this volatile for the entire 8 years of on/off, being thrown out etc?

 

Sounds like hell for everyone especially the kids. Does she have a drug or drinking habit? Since she's the mother of your child you'll have to work out child support and getting custody to protect him if she's that violent and unstable.

 

Before you start thinking of who's next, start severing this legally with regard to your son.

 

No it was often very loving. At the start some of her behaviour surprised me. She fell in love with me very quickly , wanted me to meet her daughter and wanted us to move in. When we moved in together it was at my place. I had been there alone for a while before she moved in but she took things like me tidying the place at night as a negative. She told me that by tidying her daughter's things I was telling them I didn't want them there. She moved out. That seemed to set the tone for everything. She claims I was constantly leaving but often her behaviour was so volatile I couldn't take it in. At times in a row, it felt like there was a third person in the room such was the amount of things I'd have to take in. You simply couldn't get the better of her in a discussion or argument.

 

We had splits but after a year once she came back. Then another after 6 months. The big problem for me is after our son was born things changed. I only wanted her from then on & craved our family. Up to that I wasn't sure if we could make it.

 

Since he was born I have done everything: poured money into the relationship (gave her 25000 USD for herself, bought her a car) but still I was being accused of all sorts of misdemeanours like wanting to cheat. No chance! To me she was so beautiful that I couldn't be with anyone else.

 

Her anger seemed to grow the more she asked for. She wanted a bigger house (we went through 8 house moves all on her request). I was scared we'd run out of cash. She was nasty to her daughter, nasty to me. I lost my cool and did things at times but nothing violent and I was always careful of the kids seeing, hearing or picking up on things. When I went to govt services I felt sick. I knew I was losing the love of my life but as her behaviour was becoming more sinister, what choice had I?

 

I worry about my boy daily. He is so lovely and not violent. He has seen a few horrible things. When with me, I just let him be himself. His personality shines out. I still wonder what he sees at her house. If she meets new men she often introduces them to the kids quickly. No way with me - he is too precious so if I was to meet someone I'd have to know they were there for the long haul. I think her daughter has lived in 21 accommodations in 19 years. No stability.

 

Yet I loved and love her. I feel tremendous guilt over our early years and I am scared it will never be the same with anyone else. But that said the kids had to be put first so I am glad a record of investigation exists but ultimately I miss her and our family. It is hard to move on. I haven't as much as kissed anyone else and I don't know if I can. Workmates say to me 'you're a great guy you won't be single for long'. I smile but inside it is gut wrenching to even think like that.

 

I am my son's guardian, have access, want more etc. But I feel like I still love her which I don't understand. Close friends have said Stockholm syndrome but I don't think its that. But the abuse has got to me, verbal, things being physically thrown at me, financial, you name it. I've been called a bad father, accused of child abuse, my relationship with my family has been mocked as have my interests, house, job, the lot.

 

People keep saying 'someone else will treat you right' but while I want to model a loving relationship to my son, I don't want anyone else now. Does this pass?

 

Thanks,

 

Sean

[TheWonderer]

There are plenty of books, facebook pages, etc...out there regarding toxic relationships; missing the toxic ex is common, it seems. The strong (unhealthy!) emotions that they create somehow make our brains think that these relationships are somehow more exciting or different. I'm no expert, so I'll not try to explain further.

 

I've been in your shoes, though, and it hurts. I've moved on though, and it's better than it ever was, thanks to education and counseling. Respect yourself (I'm sure you already do), keep away from this person and get the help that is out there...it's well worth it! Take care...

[Wiseman2]

It's also called trauma bonding: friends have said Stockholm syndrome but I don't think its that.