Will we won't we? I don't know anymore

[EmmaLouAnn]

Okay so me and my ex boyfriend were together for 2 years and we were completely and utterly in love. We were both the longest relationship we've both had we got on so much and we were in a amazing relationship.

 

Last year we hit a wall he started to become distant and quiet and when I asked him what was wrong he said that he didn't feel the same anymore he wasn't sure what was going on.

We agreed to take a break in our relationship and not talk to each other we both had so much going on (he was starting a new job and so was I)

 

A week passed and I missed him so much I wanted to talk to him and tell him but I felt like he wouldn't care he was still going on mad nights out drinking everyday and it seemed like he didn't care I was upset because he told me he wanted the time to think about us and all the time we had apart he was out every night.

 

Come Easter I was missing him so much I text him happy Easter and he replied wishing it back and then asked how I was and if I was free the following Saturday and we can have a chat..

I knew right there and then what was going to happen and I burst into tears and we talked all night and agreed to meet Saturday.

 

Saturday came and I couldn't face any of it I felt numb all day even meeting him I couldn't look at him I cried my heart out and so did he, he told me he will always love me but right now this isn't what he wants..

 

Fast forward to June and we agreed to be friends we would meet up every now and then and go for a drink and have a laugh I was at a good place where I could sit next to him without getting upset, (I wasn't taking it as well as him but I hid it from him) in July/July we talked about maybe trying something like us seeing each other exclusively. He agreed and it went really well we would meet up go for walk and talk and flirt and we even kissed a few times. ( we kept it to ourselves we both have over opinionated friends so it was for the best it was just between us)

 

One night we went on a night out got stupidly drunk stayed in a hotel and slept together I somewhat regretted it when i woke up but he reassured me that he didn't use me for sex.

All of his friends found out and took the piss as they would if they knew and so did mine obviously having there own opinions. I didn't care I was happy.

 

A few weeks later he started getting distant again and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he doesn't see us getting back together and I was confused i didn't understand where it was coming from. I asked him what he was talking about and that's when he told me a month ago he kissed someone else while we were seeing each other. I didn't feel hurt by him kissing someone I was more hurt that he had kept it from me for so long, he'd slept with me and kissed me and never once told me and I was hurt.

 

We had a long talk and agreed that maybe it's best we just stay friends because we were only going to keep hurting each other I agreed and we went back to just friends and hung out every now and then.

 

I ended up talking to someone else and went on a date with them and I felt incredibly guilty because I obviously still had feelings for my ex (the date wasn't that great but I felt so bad) I text my ex and asked him if we could meet up and talk and he said of course.

 

We met up and I told him that I'd been on a date and it didn't feel right I was still in love with him and I wanted us to try something at least. He didn't really respond to it and I asked him in general has he been on any dates with anyone else and he said no but he has been talking to someone and he is seeing her.

 

I honestly felt sick I felt my heart drop and tried my hardest to hide my hurt but I couldn't he asked me if I was okay and i broke down telling him he's hurt me once again. He promised never to hurt me and he has again we talked for ages and he left gave me a hug and told me he was sorry..

 

I didn't speak to him for a few days and I put together this enormous message explaining how I felt hurt and betrayed that he'd hurt me once again.. he didn't reply after reading it and I started talking to someone else.

A few days later he text me and told me that he was gonna give it a go with this girl for right or wrong he wouldn't know but she was who he wanted.. I was heartbroken and we spoke for a little bit and he told me that he was sorry.

 

I woke up the next day to being deleted off every platform of social media and being blocked too.. I didn't talk to him I started a no contact and I was coping well I started a new relationship with the guy I was taking too and I was happy for a while.

 

A few weeks later I sent a snapchat on my story and my ex seen it and replied to me I was shocked I hadn't heard from him for a month or so.. I replied casually and he told me he missed talking to me and asked how I was and I guess from there that's how we started talking again.

 

One day he text me out of the blue asking if I was okay so I told him I was with my boyfriend (he hated me talking to my ex he knew I still spoke to him and said he was okay with it but he hated it) and I couldn't talk much. He then asked if we could meet up on Wednesday and talk I said yeah sure what's up and he told me he wasn't happy with his girlfriend she was making him unhappy.. I could relate because my boyfriend wasn't making me happy either

 

My then boyfriend had a habit of going through my phone while I slept and looking for stuff that he could argue about I think he found a conversation I had with someone 2 years ago and he had a go at me calling me horrible names. I feel ashamed to admit this but I felt scared of him so I would agree to his ridiculous terms of our relationship just to get him to back off.. he would make me block certain people stop me talking to other men and make me chose between him and family. I couldn't act in my usual way I had to stand by his side at all times I couldn't wear anything that was too revealing or he would go ballistic he would use my bank card for ridiculous teams and not tell me. It's Safe to say I wasn't happy with him and it was starting to show

 

I split with him before going to meet my ex boyfriend, meeting him he looked drained and unhappy and I asked him if he was okay and he gave me a hug but not a friend hug one of those long ones and he told me he was happy to see me, we went for something to eat and I asked him what was going on he told me he wasn't well he was depressed and him being in his relationship wasn't helping I told him that I felt the same but I had done something about it and I felt happier about it.

 

We talked for ages he told me he missed me and the reason he wanted to see me was because I'm the only person who can calm him down. He apologised for everything that had happened and said that he never wanted to hurt me. I almost cried hearing this 9 months later and he was finally saying sorry for hurting me and he meant it!

 

From then on we talked everyday and got closer to each other we met up when we could and had a laugh. He was still with his girlfriend so I never crossed any line he had a girlfriend regardless him not being happy with her I never said a bad word against her.

 

His then girlfriend was the complete opposite of me she was older than him and had two kids with another man. She was a very heavy drug user and has been clean 3 months. She also is a runaway bride and has been in prison. She has also had relationships with women.

I'm in no way saying I'm a Victoria secret model but she was a major downgrade.

 

A few months passed and me and my ex talked and got closer he would argue with his girlfriend and I would get a phone call from him and he would tell me I would tell him that he should talk to her and work things out and low and behold he would.

 

So one night I got very drunk and decided that it was a great idea to phone my ex and tell him I still had feelings for him and I wanted us to try again. He then told me what I had said In the morning when I was sober and I nearly died of embarrassment he told me that he does still have feelings for me and wants to try again but right now he's with his girlfriend. I completely understood and we never spoke of it again.

 

A few weeks later he went on a night out on my side of town to watch the football with his friends he text me and I told him to enjoy his night and I will text him in the morning.

10am in the morning I got a phone call of my hungover ex telling me last night he snapped. I was confused and asked him what he was talking about.

 

Basically his girlfriend kicked off on him because he was on a night out in my side of town (he lives over the water and my side of town has a better nightlife than his he always has come over here) she assumed that he was out with me. He tried talking to her and telling her I wasn't out he was just out with the lads but she kept going on and on at him and he snapped and told her to f*** off and leave him alone he's trying to have a good night and she's ruining it.

She then went on to social media and called him fit to burn and he was told by a friend what she was doing so he phoned her and told her to stop she then threatened him and told him that he's scum basically.

 

So I asked him if he had spoken to her since he said no he's going to pick his stuff up later on and he's done. He then opened up to me about his relationship telling me she was emotionally abusive to him and he has enough. He went to see her and she cried and he said he wasn't done with it she threw a glass at him and he left and she then asked him to come back and constantly phoned him he phoned me and told me what had happened and I told him he has to stay strong and not fall for her lies again.

 

So fast forward to now they've been split since December and he's blocked her on everything and doesn't talk to her.

We speak everyday and have been out seen movies together and we are back to flirting with each other we've talked about getting back together but he said after everything that happened with her he doesn't want a relationship right now he's not ready for commitment and I agree with him I'm still not ready either. We spoke the other day and he said just keep doing what we are doint don't force anything and if it comes back it comes back we're not in a rush.

 

I believe him and I really want us to try again but the thought of him stringing me along like last time saying he doesn't want to be In a relationship right now then a few weeks later he was with someone else I don't want that to happen again this time is different though we phone each other every night and text every day but still the thought in my head that I know he's talking to other girls and I'm scared he's gonna do it again and I'm gonna be the one hurt again not really to sure what to think really...

 

Any help? Any ideas? I really love this guy so much

[nutbrownhare]

You can carry on with this half-relationship for as long as you like, but if he really wanted to be with you - HE WOULD BE!

 

He's looking for another relationship, but stringing you along in the background. You have both been with other people in the meantime. While you are involved with him in this way, you are preventing yourself from moving on, and potentially finding a partner who would care for you. It sounds as though you are both still quite young, and people change as they start in the world of work - plans change, priorities change and often the relationship will crack in the face of it.

 

I think your assessment

I know he's talking to other girls and I'm scared he's gonna do it again and I'm gonna be the one hurt again not really to sure what to think really...

is probably quite accurate. Sure, you're phoning and texting regularly; but the really crucial difference between this and having an exclusive relationship is that, with the latter, you don't have statements like

just keep doing what we are doint don't force anything and if it comes back it comes back we're not in a rush.

 

He's keeping you as a backup plan while he looks around. It's also interesting that you need to keep all this from your friends; in your heart of hearts you KNOW this situation isn't good for you, and that anyone who really cares about you won't be encouraging it.

[SherrySher]

I know you think you're doing right in staying in contact with this guy and trying to be there for him, but he's treated you badly. He didn't want you, he looked elsewhere and even went as far as to block you and let you know that he chose someone else.

You've allowed him to use you for whatever and whenever he wants but no doubt he has little respect for you now and will have you around and toss you whenever he pleases. He knows he can and he has already done this several times.

 

Yes, there is a very good chance that he will fall for someone else and you will once again be shoved behind another woman.

And I agree completely with nutbrownhare, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. All this man has for you now is excuses and second guessing and looking for the better deal.

I would cut him loose and not look back, you are not going to get him to see your worth or for him to love you as you want him to. It would have happened by now if it was going to.

I hope you don't keep allowing him to give you false hope and continue to hurt you.

[nutbrownhare]

To the OP - I really feel for you; it sounds absolutely miserable. But what he's doing is the equivalent of the upper-class lady who was told that her puppy would have to have its tail docked. She said "Oh, but it seems such a shame to cut it all off! Can't we chop it off a bit at a time, so he has a chance to get used to it?"

[angrythoughts]

You're a temporary fill for the void in his life. Don't wait for him to finally want to be with you. If he doesn't after all this time, the odds are he won't. Ditch him and find someone better.

[Andrina]

You've already seen that past history predicts future history. He dumped you twice and you're still thinking he's a good risk for your heart? Besides this fact, he's showing you his poor ethics by speaking to you about his "unhappy" relationship with his gf. He'd also repeat that behavior with you if you two got back together. He'd be speaking to some other ex about how he's so unhappy with you. Please build your self esteem up, so that you will think of yourself as the treasure and won't be treated as anything less. The right man will never leave you, not even once.

 

And no, staying friends is not healthy for you. It prevents you from emotionally moving on to be free for Mr. Right, who also won't want you communicating with an ex you still pine for, and it will leave you feeling miserable when you are put on the back burner when he has a new squeeze.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's been over a year and he keeps telling you he doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

Hanging around in the friendzone listening to his gf woes and love life is a waste of your time and energy. So are hookups when he's having a dry spell in between women.

 

Stay strict no contact and delete and block him from everything to you can heal and move forward. He's only using you.

Last year we hit a wall he started to become distant and quiet and when I asked him what was wrong he said that he didn't feel the same anymore he wasn't sure what was going on. he told me he will always love me but right now this isn't what he wants.. we went on a night out got stupidly drunk stayed in a hotel and slept together.He told me that he doesn't see us getting back together

[Beth66]

I know how you feel. It can be really hard to love someone like this. But like a lot of us are saying, if he really did want to be in a relationship with you, then he would be. It's so hard to still have loving feelings for someone like this. I think that you should move on and look for someone who's willing to be committed to you. Someone that will love you not leave and come back again and again then block you and date other people. That's not a good relationship. It's time to let go. It might be really hard at first. If you need to, talk to him once in awhile. I wouldn't even do that. He doesn't even deserve that! He's just keeping you around. But you need to move on, you're only going to get hurt again and again by him. He will probably come up with another girlfriend soon and that's really going to hurt. I think it would be a great idea to spend this time with friends and going on fun dates, even if not to be committed to a lifelong relationship just go for fun! Just enjoy yourself. The strain of wanting him back isn't good for you. Just have fun right now!!! Do anything you want! Good luck!