Is there hope to get back together?

[rkw525]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me in early December after almost 6 years. She was my first girlfriend and I was her longest relationship by far, the previous longest being 2 years.

 

After our initial honeymoon phase, I pulled away emotionally. If you've read about attachment styles, hers was anxious and mine was avoidant, which was not a good mix. After the first two years, she moved away for school and we decided that we did love one another and didn't want to lose each other so we agreed to do long-distance. In retrospect, this was a huge mistake. I was a bad long-distance boyfriend and in 2014, she confronted me about how much I'd hurt her. I took a long, hard look at myself and our relationship and I realized that I loved her with all my heart, but I had let my priorities in life get deeply out of whack. From that point forward, I vowed to make her my top priority. I followed through on this. I did make mistakes past that, but she even admitted that I had changed greatly and no longer made her feel neglected in our relationship.

 

She moved back after she graduated to where we're from. We continued our relationship, but her life was in a great deal of chaos and mine wasn't in great shape either. By this point, I was just trying to fix our relationship after it had suffered during the 3 years of long-distance. I made a point to see her and spend time with her. When we spent time together, it felt fine and it didn't feel like things were going wrong.

 

Then last February, after 6 months of being here, she tells me she's moving back to where she went to school and it may or may not be permanent. She says we need to "at least take a break." After she moved back, the writing was on the wall for me but I couldn't accept it and just tried harder to save things. But she didn't seem to miss me at all. She would go out and party with her friends from school like nothing had ever changed. By April, I asked her if she was seeing someone else - this is what "a break" meant to me. She reacted with surprise and told me that wasn't what it meant to her and that no, she wasn't seeing anyone else.

 

I'm glossing over some detail for the sake of brevity, but by the summer, I had grown deeply suspicious. The biggest red flag was that she wouldn't let me visit her at all. There was a guy, a friend of hers from school, who she seemed to spend a lot of time with. She never had time to talk to me on the phone, but she always had time to spend with her friends. I never begrudged her a social life, but even the smallest bits of attention I couldn't get from her.

 

I constantly tried to have talks about our relationship with her because I so badly wanted to save it. She insisted that we needed to fix us "one step at a time." I wholeheartedly agreed - this is what I was trying to do. I told her I agree, but we haven't seen each other in 8 months and we need to spend some time together to do so. She agreed, but then pulled back the next week when I was looking at plane tickets. Nonetheless, she would admit to me that the idea of me together with another woman bothered her deeply. I could never reconcile that feeling with how she treated me for basically all of 2016.

 

At the beginning of December, she broke up with me via email. She said that after everything that had happened, she had fallen out of love and it took her a long time to realize this. She told me not to argue and that she was putting her foot down. Even in her breakup email, she mentions all the things she loves about me - how physically attractive she finds me, how intelligent she thinks I am, that she thinks I have a good heart, etc. She also later would tell me how much she liked my DNA and loved the idea of mixing ours together. It was very strange to hear these things punctuated by her declaration of not wanting to be with me.

 

Naturally, I did try to talk to her about it afterwards. But then out came the line that she "hasn't been entirely honest" with me. Basically, she admitted to getting blackout drunk and having sex with a bar employee the prior December. She was extremely hazy on details and I'm 50/50 on whether this event was real or a substitute for what I really expected - that she had been seeing the guy I mentioned.

 

I cut contact after that because of the pain. Two weeks after initially cutting contact, she sends me a long apology email and admitting that I was right about certain things. She admitted that I was right that she had never forgiven me for our earlier problems and she had never given me a chance to make things better between us. She told me how grateful she was to have had me in her life and that she wished we could still have that going forward. I wound up responding (because I thought it was to reconcile) and we talked a bit before Christmas. But I made it clear that I wasn't interested in being platonic friends - that if she wanted to work on herself (re her issues with alcohol) and try to start a new relationship later in time, we could be friends in the meantime. She told me that she couldn't be friends with me if I wanted more. So I blocked her on all media and cut contact then and there. I refuse for her to ever make me a platonic friend because I'm simply not - I've desired her from the moment I met her and I still do and I find the idea extremely emasculating.

 

Unfortunately, I have a horrible habit of obsessing. Despite blocking her, I would check things on the Facebook of the guy I deeply suspected. And not long after we broke up, I started seeing signs. I saw that she had befriended his mother and that he was adding her friends from back home. None of it confirms a relationship, but I had suspected that if they weren't seeing each other that she almost immediately rebounded to him.

 

My take at this point is that if she had been seeing him behind my back, then I do not want her back at all. However, I know her and she hasn't been alone since she was 16 and is extremely insecure. Also, all of her friends are getting married and I know she wanted this. In 2016, I made it abundantly clear that I wanted the works with her - marriage and children and all of that - but I got nowhere in those discussions. I could see her simply coupling up with him immediately because I'm sure he also desired her and he was familiar to her. If that's the case, then he is a rebound that she is moving extremely fast with. This would also make sense as to why she wanted me as a friend - I could see her wanting me to fill in the gaps because she for the prior 6 years had used me as her emotional outlet and a person to rely on.

 

At this point, I will not resume contact without her initiating and being clear about her intentions. I am starting to date others. I am also still deeply heartbroken and upset at the idea that she might have had a serious boyfriend behind my back. However, if he's a rebound, I'm interested in thoughts on how to handle this. I assume I should just simply maintain no contact - it seems like talking to her at all can only hurt me, either by driving them closer together or by filling in the gaps of their extremely fast relationship. What does everyone think? How do you see this playing out?

[dino7994]

It sounds to me as though she has issues she needs to really work on for herself. Until she is healthy, she is not going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship. So at the end of the day, it's probably best that you aren't dragged through the mud with her right now.

If she said she can't be friends if you want more, then you shouldn't be friends. The only way for her to realize the void in her life without you, is for you to be gone. I give you kudos for blocking her and going NC.

As for her potentially being with someone else, nobody can answer that for you, and honestly, it's probably best that you don't know. Try not to worry about it since right now it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's a rebound, and you worrying about that is just going to hinder your healing.

I always like to say anything is possible, but right now you need to continue healing. If something happens in the future then it will come with time. You both need time to heal, grow, and experience new things. Keep doing what you are doing.

[rkw525]

Thanks for your input. I agree with you that she probably isn't capable of a healthy relationship and there was a reason that I wasn't even interested in reconciling in this very moment. I needed her to work on a lot of aspects, particularly her alcoholism, which I had asked her years ago to do and she had promised but failed to do.

 

I wasn't necessarily asking if she was with someone else. I do suspect it, but I'm simply having trouble stopping obsessing about it. The part that bothers me to this moment is if she had been doing that and lying to my face about it. But I can't prove it and probably never will be able to.

 

I am trying to do what I can to move forward and I appreciate your comments. The reality is that I met someone recently who may very well be a better fit, but it's hard after everything that happened to simply let it all go.

[dino7994]

As someone with anxiety, I definitely understand the overthinking and obsessing. I know it's hard and can be excruciating. My best advice is to distract yourself with things you like. Go to the gym, take a walk, read, etc. Whenever you start having those obsessive thoughts, consciously think about something else or do something else.

 

I'm sure it's hard to let it all go, but if this is a better fit, go ahead and explore it. Maybe in the end it won't work out, but maybe it will. Either way you will gain experience and get to spend time with someone who values you. The only thing you can do is push forward, as hard as it is.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It seems you tried your best to make it work. Completely agree to not stay around for her at all. Let her deal with the college guy alone. Don't be a backup plan or friendzoned.

 

Agree that there's a strong possibility that they were more than friends while she was "confused" and needed a break, etc...

 

Excellent that you are no contact and dating others. Keep the focus on healing and moving forward.

if she had been seeing him behind my back, then I do not want her back at all. I am starting to date others. I am also still deeply heartbroken and upset at the idea that she might have had a serious boyfriend behind my back. - it seems like talking to her at all can only hurt me, either by driving them closer together or by filling in the gaps of their extremely fast relationship.

[rkw525]

There was a lot I had to trim just because it would be a novel otherwise, but there were many more signs and incidents that suggested something was up. Bear in mind, before year #5 of our relationship, I had literally never distrusted her. I even would tell people how, of all that I loved about her, her trustworthiness was #1. Oh, the irony.

 

I appreciate the comments. Realistically, I know I shouldn't even want her back at all. It's hard to turn that part of my brain off though and I know full well that being "friends" with her wouldn't have let me move on at all. It was another selfish move to keep me as a backup while she explored other options.

[p123]

Tough situation, and sounds like you have conducted yourself well in this. Her behaviour since 'going on a break' has been disrespectful and hurtful - and I think you are right in taking a step back.

 

At this stage it sounds like the obsessing is the issue rather than the knowledge that staying apart is the right thing to do. To help with your obsession, write a journal and get all your thoughts out in there. Can't recommend this highly enough, be inquisitive and pry and let it all out in that form. You will regain perspective and clarity on the subject, and your obsessive thoughts and mindset can be channeled into a useful form. I am obsessive too but since I have done this in the last week or so I have had a bit of a u-turn and a mini kind of enlightenment, will see if it holds.

 

Take care and stay strong

[rkw525]

Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I very much agree that obsessing is the issue. The reason I asked really was just to affirm that even if I wanted her back (or if I don't), the only move is no contact. I'm actually looking to start a different antidepressant shortly that helps with rumination and obsessive thinking.

 

I actually have been doing something similar to the journal. It's not exactly the same - I've been writing her letters that I don't send her. They're angry and would serve no purpose at all to send other than to drive her further away, but it's extremely cathartic to me.

[MissCanuck]

I think is where you two will part ways for good.

 

You were together a long time, but she started checking out the relationship quite a while ago. I think your suspicions about this other guy are probably correct. If she was too busy to even talk to you, well, then it really comes down to the lack of desire to fix anything. Her heart wasn't in it anymore. She could have handled that much more maturely, but the bottom line is still the same; she wanted out.

 

Keep up No Contact. You will now need ample time to work on your own healing.

[rkw525]

I agree, especially that she checked out awhile ago. She definitely did want out and I can see all sorts of signs pointing to that now that I look back. But it bothered me that I gave her a million different outs. After a big incident in the summer, I told her very clearly that I would never be her plan B and that if she was lining up a replacement, that's unacceptable and that I would move on. She calls me the next day and tells me that none of that is happening and that she just isn't sure whether or not she's still "in love" with me.

 

I certainly will keep up no contact. Do you think that there's just no recovering from that? Is there no chance of absence making the heart grow fonder? She was clearly attached to me in some capacity because she had a tremendously difficult time letting go, despite ample opportunities to do so. I realize I'm probably deluding myself.