Anxiety, Doubts and Mixed feelings in a relationship

[Rezie]

Hi guys,

 

I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 4,5 years. We live in different countries and meet up for a long weekend in every 6 weeks. We met while I was doing a clinical practice abroad. We hanged out when I was there and once it was time for me to return to uni we decided to give the long distance thing a try. Long story short I have been sick of the distance for several years and during one of our talks we agreed he would move here. Well the relocation hasn't happened yet and I'm having serious doubts about the entire relationship. Here are a few key points that I've come up with.

 

1. trust. I don't trust his word anymore. He has talked about moving here so many times and postponed it that I don't really trust his word. Also last summer we met up for 3 months and on the first day he said that he has anxiety and is not sure he wants to move. Now he says he wants to move here. Latest development was that he said that he doesn't want to travel during the holidays and can't get any time off work. I said I could travel since I have the time off. He said it makes more sense for him to travel in January instead. Well turns out he had 2,5 weeks off during the holidays. So doesn't really help with the whole trust thing.

 

2. responsibility. I feel responsible for his wellbeing. I don't really believe he wants to move here even though he says so (see above) so I feel like it is unfair for me to live my own life. Even though the practical side of me knows it is not true. Also we have talked about what would happen to him if we broke up and he said that he would be fine but would just have to except that he will never get to have kids and start a family. It felt very manipulative but that is not his personality so I think he was trying to be honest. Also he hasn't looked into the rules of relocation or any practical arrangements.

 

3. compatibility. We usually meet up for a weekend and it is easy to push aside all the happening, qualities and annoying things. Also it is a Holiday setting. When last summer we were together for 3 months those became really apparent and annoying. Also his small habbits have become annoying. He is incredibly nice person but I have hard time seeing how our personalities would work in the same place for long term. He just goes with it and doesn’t have strong opinions so he just adjusts to things. I feel like a boss and he is my assistant. We also communicate differently.

 

4. uncertainty. I’m not sure these feelings are because the relationship is over. I’m not sure if I’m just trying to find an easy solution. I’m not sure if I’m scared or if it is a gut feeling. I’m not sure if these things would be different if we lived together. Is there are reason we have never actually had a plan? WOuld it feel right if it was right? I'm I not working hard enough on this relationship?

 

Don’t get me wrong. He is a great guy and there are plenty of annoying things in me that I would love to change about myself. The Problem is that staying in long distance is not an option. This has caused me a lot of anxiety for the past 4 months. Sometimes I think that maybe this anxiety and doubt it my gut feeling telling me to end the relationship. Sometimes I think “f*** it, if he is willing to move here then do it. If it goes wrong, then it does”. We have talked about this and he doesn’t see us having any problems and he would be happy to move here him postponing the moving date for 2,5 years ever 3 months is not an indication of anything and we are a perfect match. He tries to understand my point of view and can see why I would feel a certain way.

 

Call me old fashioned but if I move in with someone or want someone to move for me I want to feel happy about it instead of “hope it won’t be a disaster”. I adjusted to the idea of him just moving, but then I started to think about immigration, getting a new apartment, job hunting, language courses etc. and how it is not appealing when I feel so full of doubt. Since I don’t think staying in long distance is a solution I can’t wait and think it will become better. I’ve lost interest in communicating via text and phone calls. I don’t want to keep certain weekends open in case we agree to meet up (he can do certain weekends of the month). I want to travel to other locations during my annual leave than to his home country. I don’t like having a partner that is not around. I don’t like to be the only “single” person at an event. I have no need to be in a relationship for sake of a relationship but when I have a boyfriend I would like to take him with me. But then again he is awesome, sweet, caring, loving and I do love him.

 

 

I am worried that we are settling to an “ok” relationship. We have fun together, sex is usually ok (there has been some problems in this area), we don’t argue, we can adjust to each other needs. But at the age of 26 I don’t want to be in a relationship that isn’t bad. I would personally be happy with any option as long as I would stop being anxious. I have that I randomly cry, have trouble sleeping, mood swings. I would also like to have a solution that I would be happy with for more than 5 minutes. The past 4 months that I’ve had these anxious feelings have not been too nice.

Well that is it in a nutshell. Thank you for reading!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Agree being strung along about his intention to move is frustrating and being in LDR for years and years with no end in sight may be a waste of your life.

 

Living together will only magnify, not resolve the other essential incompatibilities.

 

It's up to you to decide whether you want to continue putting your life on hold and live in limbo or if it's time to free yourself from this and pull the plug.

I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 4,5 years. He has talked about moving here so many times and postponed it. he has anxiety and is not sure he wants to move. Is there are reason we have never actually had a plan?

[Rezie]

Sorry to hear this. Agree being strung along about his intention to move is frustrating and being in LDR for years and years with no end in sight may be a waste of your life.

 

Living together will only magnify, not resolve the other essential incompatibilities.

 

It's up to you to decide whether you want to continue putting your life on hold and live in limbo or if it's time to free yourself from this and pull the plug.

 

Thanks!

 

I don't see it as a waste of time since I've seen the world differently and gotten to know a culture in a different way than as a tourist.

 

Living together does magnify the issues but now we get to the uncertainty. I'm not sure if these feelings are out of fear or gut saying that we are incompatible. Now you see the cycle that goes around in my mind.

 

He hasn't postponed the moving out of manipulation or wanted to string me along. He just doesn't have the same need to be close the distance. And he is scared. Also his reasoning has been good, but the timing wont ever be perfect. And it actually hasn't bothered me until it started 6ish months ago.

 

I think he now understands that we are in a now or never situation and he is willing to move. Now its just me pushing the breaks due to everything that is in my mind.

 

Feels good to vent to someone 😊

[Sportster2005]

It's normal to have some fear and apprehension when making such a life altering decision. I do think there is too much doubt and uncertainty in your situation. Although I don't have a crystal ball, I would bet against this relationship working out. It doesn't seem practical and frankly you're not crazy about him, and I sense you feel you are settling. What you accept in the beginning you end up with in the end.

[KantSleep]

I think he is a habit at this point, one that is hard to break. I imagine you could find a man in your area without all the complications. The 3 month stint together was an eye-opener. If he annoys you, where is all this heading? There seems to be too many doubts in your mind, in my humble opinion. Compatibility is key. I married a man I wasn't compatible with. I am now dating someone that I am... It's like night and day. Good luck, you have a lot to think about.

[Rezie]

Thanks for responding.

 

You guys are right and I think that deep down I know that. I just don't feel like I can trust myself. It is very disarming for someone with a healthy confidence to feel so much doubt. I just wish I could stand behind my decision instead of feel uncomfortable with every option!