Can I get him back?

[maryasan]

Hi, I am Indonesian, so I must say sorry for my bad english

So I hope I can get an advice here . I am 29 years old woman and not in relationship for almost 2 years. I have been in a bad long term relationship for 9 years and I am so afraid to start again. Since I broke up with 9 years bf, I build a wall for not falling easily to a guy. Until I met this Swedish guy 4 months ago online.

We talk for a month before we decided to meet and make our relationship exclusive. He even sent me request to update our relationship status on facebook the first time he met me. And told me I am his. Our first month is heavenly. We planned our future together. We will move to australia and start living together there. Right now he live in another country but it just 2,5 hours flight so we manage to meet once in month.

He is a good person and I trust him and respect him. While we continue our relationship, I start to feel insecure. I was fat and tall for Indonesian (100kg and 168 cm) but then I lose weight and now I am 65kg and 168cm. But somehow I still feel insecure. Many people told me that I am pretty with a hot body (I go to gym), but I do not believe that. I started questioning myself and also him why he want me. Then it got out of control. I start to get mad if he take a long time answer to my text, I start to confront him if he like a girl pic on facebook, I start to keep seeking for assurance that we will gonna be okay and that our plan in the future is still on. He will patiently answering my insecurity and told me everything gonna be okay but then I think he got really pissed off because I don't really trust him and keep nagging on him. He finally said that we're not compatible and he isn't sure about us anymore but he will give us a chance once again. But he want this to be a step by step. I really scared. Instead of giving him what he want I keep pushing him to just forgive me and get back to normal. I promise him I will not clingy anymore but he seems like he didn't really believe it and he insist that he need time to make things go back to normal.

At his birthday, we go on vacation together. I know that he hold things on. I tried to touch him, kiss him, and beg him to forgive me and back to normal. But he's being cold. He didn't touch me back. I iniciate all the touch. He isn't refuse but not touching me back. That happenned 2 days during the vacation. One night we go for drinks with his friends and I got really drunk. He took me back to the hotel but then leave me alone there to go back to his friends. He said we gonna talk about things tomorrow and he just wanna have fun that night because it's his birthday.

Then he left me.

He back one hour later. He said sorry that he left me. He said I am a great person and that all of his friends tell me I am a great person and really pretty. He told me that everything gonna be better tomorrow. I still under influence of alcohol can only cry. Mumbling about how I like to see him happy with his friends and that I like him so much. And that I will be okay if he broke up with me but if he want to be in my life he should try to go back to normal. He said okay to all of that and ask me to rest.

The next morning we talk. He insist to talk later because I wake him up at 6 am. I told him it doesn't matter when we gonna talk because couple hours won't change his feeling toward us. He then told me, He think the best thing for us is to break up. He told me the relationship goes too fast. He told me he can't be himself with me. He told me I am not confidence with myself and it's bothering him. I cried and beg him not to break up. I offer him to just taking a break. But not break up. He agreed but he told me he still unsure if things will work out.

 

So we taking a break. But I made mistake by telling him, that in that vacation, if he want to touch me or have sex with me, I told him its okay and he don't have to be worry it's gonna hurt me because I want to enjoy the vacation. He just nodded. I stopped crying the next hours. And then went totally numb. I can't eat, I don't talk. I didn't try to touch him anymore. I sleep at the edge of the bed and hold myself. He on the contrary start touching me. Start caressing my shoulder. Put his head on my shoulder while I still refuse to touch him back. At one point he ask me for a hug because he feels lonely. I gave him one short hug and thats it. He looks sad it broke my heart. But I just started to gather myself together and fight all the feeling to touch him back. I do not want to be sad in front of him again.

The next day, he still do that touchy stuff. But I start to gaining myself back. One time we're in conversation, I told him I will still go to Australia without him. And that I am not sure anymore about watching Gun and Roses concert in Singapore with him. And that I am not sure I want to finish diving course with him (he is a diving instructor and my course is halfway to go). He seems concern about what I said. He then ask me if maybe we still can go to aussie together. And that he want to still see the concert with me because he said "he still want this" (i never ask what "this" prefer to, is it the relationship or the companionship) and also that he want me to finish the course with him. I told him I am not comfortable to see him for a while. But I told him we will see what happen. I am not sure but I told him I am not giving him definitive decission. I told him I am sorry but I just do what I think right for me. I told him I finally realize that taking a break is the best decission we can made. He isn't responding to that and I continue to gather the broken pieces of myself by went numb.

He propose us to go watch life music the last night we together. I told him I do not want to get drunk but he said I do not have to get any alcohol. But he know I will have one. That night we had sex. I am under alcohol. Very horny. That night after the sex, I cried again. Told him that I never sleeping around. And that I just had sex with my bf so I am not sleeping around. He said yes to all of my mumbles. He hold me and then one time he told me something in the past that make me cry again. He wiped my tears and told me "babe do not cry, you do not have to cry again anymore". Then I fell asleep.

The morning I have to go back, I asked him if were still in relationship he said yes. That day he texted me. Ask me hows my flight. I just answer that my flight is quite ok and thanks for asking. It took me 5 hours to answer him. He the stop texting me. I continue not to texr him for the next 7 days. But my friends advices me to text. Since we're on a break not breaking up. And that I have to fight for him and that I have to low my ego..

So I texted him. He answer almost immediately. Our conversation is light. But I did told him I miss him and he answered that he miss me to. I told him I am about to go back to work and if he want he can let me know once he finish work and we can catch up. He answer "Yes I can". That night he called me and he talk about his day. About how its hard to go back to the routine after holiday. He ask me what I have for dinner and what I'm doing. I have to cut him off after about 5 minutes because it's hurt for me to heard his voices. He told me he think I didn't want to talk to him. I told him I think he want spaces. I told him I need to go and maybe we can talk again sometime. He told me okay and that he will go to bed soon.

Our relationship status on facebook till now is still in relationship and it's public. And I am sure that he isn't see other woman. I am not contacting him now for 2 days after the last messages.

 

So...if someone can help me about my situation I will be thankful. I want to know what to do next. Should I initiate to text him again or should I wait for him? I still feel that he like me...but anyone can give me another insight? Is he just being nice? and most important...I like him so much...will he go back to me?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he only wants a vacation fling and nothing serious. A lot of red flags including too much future talk too soon and no realistic plans other than meeting up, having sex, etc.

 

It may be best to break up, go no contact and delete/block him. It's not working at all. Perhaps date local men who you are more compatible with.

I am Indonesian 29 years old woman. I met this Swedish guy 4 months ago online. He then told me, He think the best thing for us is to break up. He told me the relationship goes too fast. That night we had sex. I am under alcohol. Very horny.

[Hollyj]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he only wants a vacation fling and nothing serious. A lot of red flags including too much future talk too soon and no realistic plans other than meeting up, having sex, etc.

 

It may be best to break up, go no contact and delete/block him. It's not working at all. Perhaps date local men who you are more compatible with.

 

I agree with Wiseman. You also need to deal with your insecurity issues. They are draining and annoying, and pushing people away. Nothing will push someone away faster than someone requiring constant reassurance.

 

Start to work on your self confidence by deleting and blocking this guy from your life.

[maryasan]

Thank you for the responds. But maybe I gave you guys wrong highlights about the sex. We're in long distance relationship. But we visited each other during our time together. And maybe the sex is one of the things we do. But other than that we also do stuffs together. The talk about the future is kinda real. Or at least in the beginning we have future plan with time horizon. Just that I ruined it by becoming clingy and needy. And I feel...if it's only for sex...he don't have to do things like fly to me, teach me dive, introduce me to his family or make our relationship official on facebook. My gut tell me he meant what he said. At least at the first times in our relationship. Just in case that you guys wrong about him and let's say that he really what I think he is, do you think I still have chances to get him back?

 

I know I may sound a lil bit like I deny everything. But I've meet many guys from different culture and really I am not that stupid or naive. It just maybe I put the wrong highlight on the sex part. I really hope for more insights if its possible. Thank you so much.

[Hollyj]

I think you need to deal with your insecurities before being involved in any relationship. This is the main problem.

[maryasan]

Yes I know that's it's the problem. I start to work on it. Step by step. I just wanna know from other eyes who might has the same cultural backgrounds..if he behaved like what I said, is it any possibility to rekindle again. And yes the first thing I will work on is my insecurity. And maybe in other area that if I'm lucky enough you guys will advice me. Thank you so much before. Sorry if I sound super stubborn.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he was more casual than you were even though he was interested. You told him you want space wanted to go, etc. LDRs are difficult and dating locally would be easier and more satisfying.

 

Try to work on yourself more before dating again and looking for inner security or confidence with random online dating involvements. Self-respect and confidence comes from within.

I was fat and tall for Indonesian (100kg and 168 cm) but then I lose weight and now I am 65kg and 168cm. But somehow I still feel insecure.