Ex moving on to rebound

[DunGoofed123]

Apologies for the wall of text : Last year, my ex broke up with me after two and a half years. We had issues that were made worst by living together for a the last year of the relationship. She immediately started a rebound (long distance online) but since she still lived with me for a few weeks, I managed to get more and more friendly with her, we became fwb and she dumped the guy.

 

We started back as pure fwb but as time went on we allowed ourselves to kiss, cuddle and do basically everything like before except say we loved each other and call ourselves a couple (at my insistence).

 

So we saw each other until Christmas this year, we were genuinely happy and she told me our relationship was better than ever. I agreed but persisted in not wanting to label it.

 

Outside pressure kept me thinking about the future and needing to find an actual girlfriend/mother of my future children. So I strung her along while casually checking dating websites. In January, I told her I had a first date. She sounded a bit hurt. Date didn't lead to anything. Kept talking with my ex but this week I realized we hadn't seen each other since Christmas and she was talking to me much less. I proposed going over at her place and she informs me she now has a boyfriend. She says it's not like the rebound last time and that this guy is exactly like her (she said that the last time) and that her mind is clear this time since it has been a while since the break up (this to me ignores the fact that we were "together" until like 2-3 weeks ago). I believe, but not certain, that this is again a long distance in a different country.

 

What she says is that she wants me to find the right person and it's time for me and her to move on and she doesn't want to feel like she's keeping me from moving on.

 

I feel like what happened is, she was hurt and saw me going away and decided that she needed to move away too. She jumped on the first guy she talked to online (not saying they don't have stuff in common, apparently he has similar health issues and she feels she is finally understood by someone for the first time) and quickly replaced me with him (I was her best and essentially only friend).

 

I now realize that she was the biggest source of happiness in my life and that I should have stopped being confused and told her I loved her and stopped looking for someone else when I had someone that made me very happy right in front of me.

 

I understand I messed up by stringing her along and by being scared of starting an actual relationship again with her. I am sure she still has feelings for me as barely two weeks ago we were a couple in everything but name, however she is probably focused on her new relationship right now which makes the whole matter more difficult. After our initial break up last year I managed to "get her back" by being her friend and through meeting her and reminding her of what we had been and could still be.

 

I still have to give her back her keys so I have at minimum one opportunity to meet her. Should I go with NC for a month and then see what happens or do you think there's something I can do right now ? I feel like all I want to do is show up at her doorstep and say how sorry I am for how I treated her and that I want to be with her and her alone. I know this would work if there wasn't someone else in the picture.

 

TLDR: Messed up by stringing along my ex whom I still love and now she is in what appears to be in an online rebound. What to do ?

[rosephase]

What were the issues that caused the original break up? By any chance did the fwb thing end when she moved into her own place?

[DunGoofed123]

Basically she has trouble having a job and cleaning up after herself which made it really hard when living together and in turn made me always angry at her. I wouldn't live with her again until those are solved. I also have some minor issues I will try to work on like going to bed too late and frustration when playing video games.

 

Everything else was great, the fwb thing did not end when she moved. It was going on until Christmas and the last time she invited me to her place was probably 2 weeks ago but I refused cause it was like 3am (I regret it so much now )

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like a mess of dating, fwb, roommates with benefits, quasi-cheating, open relationship, etc. basically just a ball of confusion.

 

She's right that ending whatever this fwb/hangout thing is best for both of you to move forward.

 

You have done it all, dated, lived together, moved out, became fwb, hung out, quasi-cheated, strung each other along, etc. so there's no point in salvaging this from the junkyard.

 

Best to go no contact and delete and block her from everything. That will help you heal and finally move on from all this indecision and h confusing hurt.

living together for a the last year of the relationship. We started back as pure fwb. I strung her along while casually checking dating websites. In January, I told her I had a first date. I proposed going over at her place and she informs me she now has a boyfriend. What she says is that she wants me to find the right person and it's time for me and her to move on.

[DunGoofed123]

She's right that ending whatever this fwb/hangout thing is best for both of you to move forward.

 

It would be much easier if it had ended in a fight or something. It ended with both of us agreeing that this new thing we had was great. I just blew it with my confusion.

[lostlove76]

Such a typical story. I will never understand why guys refuse to commit, and then get upset when the girl finally gains the strength to move on. You strung her along, refused to define the relationship. That's about the most horrible thing you can do to a girl. It makes her question herself, you, and everything else in this world. She wonders why she's good enough for some things (hanging out, fwb) but yet you don't want all of her. It's best to let her go find happiness. She'll never trust you. I wouldn't either; what makes you so sure about her now, when you couldn't be bothered to commit before? Once you "had her back" you might very well revert back to treating her poorly. Please let this be a lesson and never do it again to anyone else.

[Tanzi]

(she said that the last time) and that her mind is clear this time since it has been a while since the break up (this to me ignores the fact that we were "together" until like 2-3 weeks ago).

 

But you weren't together ... you were FWBs.

 

Your story is yet another example of why hanging on to someone in a demoted form (whether that be friends or friends with benefits) is just not worth it. When a relationship ends, it should just end. If you are meant to be you will find your way back together. Hanging on in this way just creates confusion, pain and all round negativity. Truth is you are grinding something into the ground before it may have truly finished.

 

When you hang on in this way one of you is always going to move on before the other. At some point you are going to have to accept that she is doing exactly that and that every relationship she has from hereon in is not actually a rebound.

 

I feel like all I want to do is show up at her doorstep and say how sorry I am for how I treated her and that I want to be with her and her alone.

 

Your emotions are clouding your vision. She was the one who ended things. She was happy to plod on with being FWB as it suited her. You were happy with the decision too because it meant you could hang on to her. Now you are convincing yourself that end of the relationship was somehow your fault in the hope that you can fix it.

 

I know this would work if there wasn't someone else in the picture.

 

You are assuming that your relationship isn't working because she has met someone else when the reality is she met someone else because your relationship wasn't working.

[Tanzi]

It would be much easier if it had ended in a fight or something. It ended with both of us agreeing that this new thing we had was great. I just blew it with my confusion.

 

The new thing you had was sex without the commitment. It's only great all the while it's working for you both.

 

A relationship didn't work. Being FWBs was only going to work for so long.

[DunGoofed123]

The new thing you had was sex with the commitment. It's only great all the while it's working for you both. A relationship didn't work. Being FWBs was only going to work for so long.

 

In regards to this and your other message. It's difficult for me to explain but I know how she and I felt and I was the one pushing for us not to label what we had. I have been with her before and I know we were exactly like before, a couple.

 

It's not like she was slowly moving away or anything, it's literally telling her I had a date that changed everything. I have zero doubt in my mind that if I had not gotten a date/not told her we would still be "together". I would probably still have been confused though. Now I'm not confused anymore but she's gone.

[Wiseman2]

You broke up long before you told her that so that may only be one factor in this demise anda host of incompatibilities, games, moving out, fwb, stringing along etc.

 

Just curious why you would bother telling an ex/fwb/whatever she was about your dating life?

I have zero doubt in my mind that if I had not gotten a date/not told her we would still be "together". Now I'm not confused anymore but she's gone.

[lostlove76]

In regards to this and your other message. It's difficult for me to explain but I know how she and I felt and I was the one pushing for us not to label what we had. I have been with her before and I know we were exactly like before, a couple.

 

It's not like she was slowly moving away or anything, it's literally telling her I had a date that changed everything. I have zero doubt in my mind that if I had not gotten a date/not told her we would still be "together". I would probably still have been confused though. Now I'm not confused anymore but she's gone.

 

Why were you confused in the first place? Why did you set up a date with someone else? Why did you insist on not defining the relationship? I really don't get it. If I was in her situation, being told that you had a date would turn me off big time and make he realize that it was time to move on. I would want someone who wanted me and only me. I wouldn't stick around under the threat of you potentially connecting with this new date and leaving me behind. I'd want to find my own guy, someone who was not a threat.

 

I'm sorry, but I just really don't get this. Now you've lost her, and now you're suddenly not confused. Guys really need to learn to man up when they have someone good - not take them for granted and then get upset when the girl gains a backbone.

[DunGoofed123]

You broke up long before you told her that so that may only be one factor in this demise anda host of incompatibilities, games, moving out, fwb, stringing along etc.

 

Just curious why you would bother telling an ex/fwb/whatever she was about your dating life?

 

Could be but the conversation went something like :

Her: (cheerful) When are you going back to work ? I want to start working at the same time as you (spend the week with you).

Me: *insert date here* but just so you know I might have a date this week.

Her: *Suddenly sad* At some point she tells me semi jokingly that I can't and I'm hers alone.

 

Obviously I regret telling her and regret even more the fact that I was looking for someone else. I have no issue saying I was wrong in how I behaved, I just want to figure out if I can fix it somehow.

[Wiseman2]

She's seeing someone. Stop the games and don't stalk her. Text her about giving her keys back. Do not beg, plead,etc.

 

You tried to make her jealous with your "date" talk, it backfired big time, now it's over for good but it's been dying on life support for way too long anyway.

 

What about your date? Why can't you move forward with her?

I feel like all I want to do is show up at her doorstep and say how sorry I am for how I treated her and that I want to be with her and her alone.

[DunGoofed123]

Why were you confused in the first place? Why did you set up a date with someone else? Why did you insist on not defining the relationship? I really don't get it. If I was in her situation, being told that you had a date would turn me off big time and make he realize that it was time to move on. I would want someone who wanted me and only me. I wouldn't stick around under the threat of you potentially connecting with this new date and leaving me behind. I'd want to find my own guy, someone who was not a threat.

 

I'm sorry, but I just really don't get this. Now you've lost her, and now you're suddenly not confused. Guys really need to learn to man up when they have someone good - not take them for granted and then get upset when the girl gains a backbone.

 

Like I said before, I absolutely agree I messed up in the way I acted. She has issues that make the future uncertain which is the cause of the confusion.

 

The thing is, the way I see it now, I should have just held on to what makes me happy in the present rather than seek something for the future.

[Tanzi]

In regards to this and your other message. It's difficult for me to explain but I know how she and I felt and I was the one pushing for us not to label what we had. I have been with her before and I know we were exactly like before, a couple.

 

So if you were "exactly like a couple" why would you date someone else?

 

I know I'm reading between the lines here and I could be completely wrong ..... but ..... I think the reason you said you didn't want to put a label on things and went on a date was because you were fully aware that you weren't a couple by her choice and you were trying to steer things back in that direction by playing hard to get or by making her jealous. IDK, it just feels like there was a few games going on here and that they have backfired on you.

[Tanzi]

She's seeing someone. Stop the games and don't stalk her. Text her about giving her keys back. Do not beg, plead,etc.

 

You tried to make her jealous with your "date" talk, it backfired big time, now it's over for good but it's been dying on life support for way too long anyway.

 

What about your date? Why can't you move forward with her?

 

Sorry Wiseman, I hadn't seen you post. I didn't mean to repeat what you had already said!!

[DunGoofed123]

She's seeing someone. Stop the games and don't stalk her. Text her about giving her keys back. Do not beg, plead,etc.

 

You tried to make her jealous with your "date" talk, it backfired big time, now it's over for good but it's been dying on life support for way too long anyway.

 

What about your date? Why can't you move forward with her?

 

It was absolutely not about making her jealous. It was letting her know that things might change for us soon. I would have gone back to just friends, even then I might have realized I wanted to be with her.

 

Not particularly relevant but my date informed me that she saw this going as a friendship and then ghosted me.

[DunGoofed123]

So if you were "exactly like a couple" why would you date someone else?

 

I know I'm reading between the lines here and I could be completely wrong ..... but ..... I think the reason you said you didn't want to put a label on things and went on a date was because you were fully aware that you weren't a couple by her choice and you were trying to steer things back in that direction by playing hard to get or by making her jealous. IDK, it just feels like there was a few games going on here and that they have backfired on you.

 

I understand reading between the lines, writing this on my phone so not going in detail enough. But no, I would say it was the opposite, she wanted us to be a couple per say but as I was uncertain of our eventual future I kept telling her we were fwb+++ even though my heart told me I loved her.

[Tanzi]

I understand reading between the lines, writing this on my phone so not going in detail enough. But no, I would say it was the opposite, she wanted us to be a couple per say but as I was uncertain of our eventual future I kept telling her we were fwb+++ even though my heart told me I loved her.

 

Well, that being the case and seeing as she was the one who ended things initially, I can understand why you would want to be cautious but you should have kept a respectful distance. That way you would have had the chance to clear your heads and work out what you really wanted. The fact that this turned into something on a purely sexual level put the kibosh on things .... but I guess you already know that!

[DunGoofed123]

Well, that being the case and seeing as she was the one who ended things initially, I can understand why you would want to be cautious but you should have kept a respectful distance. That way you would have had the chance to clear your heads and work out what you really wanted. The fact that this turned into something on a purely sexual level put the kibosh on things .... but I guess you already know that!

 

Yes I agree that I went at it the wrong way. A part of me wants to do NC for a month, work on myself and figure out what it is that I want. After which I can contact her again to be friends or tell her if I still have feelings or whatever or let her be if she is truly happier.

 

It's so hard though, she was my best friend for all this time, even during the break up and suddenly she's not talking to me. Like this week I started meditation to get better and immediately I want to tell her all about it. She would probably answer but she probably prefers I don't write her if her answering rate prior to admitting she now has a BF is any indication.

[hyden]

I am not sure how to comment without sounding rude...so, while I typed it up and had it ready to go...I decided not to post it. I think you need to spend some time evaluating your life. Your priorities and how you interact with other people being at the top of that list.

 

As for your ex, she moved on. You should leave her be. But I dont see you doing that...for reasons in the text I decided not to post...

[DunGoofed123]

I am not sure how to comment without sounding rude...so, while I typed it up and had it ready to go...I decided not to post it. I think you need to spend some time evaluating your life. Your priorities and how you interact with other people being at the top of that list.

 

As for your ex, she moved on. You should leave her be. But I dont see you doing that...for reasons in the text I decided not to post...

 

Sorry I come across as a bad person. It is very difficult to describe our situation but it has been mostly good, especially since the break up. Many people here have been trying to read between the lines and have gotten entirely the wrong idea.

 

Anyways like I said previously I will try NC for a month and then see what I truly want. If possible and I still want it, I'll be friends with her, otherwise I'll let her be if she is happier without me.

 

Thanks for not going with the rude version, I agree what I did was somewhat despicable in retrospect.

[SooSad33]

Outside pressure kept me thinking about the future and needing to find an actual girlfriend/mother of my future children. So I strung her along while casually checking dating websites. In January, I told her I had a first date. She sounded a bit hurt

- Well....Dungoofed,.... There's a few factors here.

1) You two have previously broken up... for reasons. ( Did those issue's EVER get resolved- before you got bk again?), No?

 

2) You chose to try dating... 'looking for something better'.. then back track.. cause you miss her.. or regret it?

 

3).. She was hurt.. well yeah! She's being strung along.. then dumped, again.

 

 

None of this is 'Stable' between you two. The confusion.. the emotions.. the issue's involved.

 

I feel, what you both need to do is respectfully back off for a good while and take a Good Look! See the troubles involved.. and STOP using each other to try and get over this.

 

If you two are broken up, then she has the right to move on... you did!

 

Take some down time to work on accepting the facts. .. >> You broke up the first time for reason's.

I dont think anything has improved.. only the case that you got back together again... as fwb. That solves nothing!

 

 

IF you really want her back, then it'll take time ( not a few weeks)..., things need to be changed and she has to want to be with you again, on her own accord. Not pressured.. guilt trips.. chasing.. etc.

 

You chose to walk.... then you have to deal with that case now, too.

We all make choices.. therefore deal with the consequences. ( she might not favour you anymore, due to insecurities that you might flee again, in the future).

 

And sadly, often a major BU.. second time around isn't so successful -- Because of the main reasons and then some.

 

So.... I suggest you work on accepting what is.. and respectfully leave her be. Give her time away from you.

And be prepared to accept that this is done.. even it you were to try again.. still may not work out.

 

 

Loss is never easy.. I've been there a few times.

Sadly, we're not always that 'compatible' and things fall apart... sorry.