Does this sound like a break up? Over Facebook Messenger :(

[jemimapu]

Hello enotalone people,

 

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories on here, it is great to see other perspectives and more rational ways to look at things.

 

I'm really confused at the moment, and I am unable to talk to my boyfriend(?) as he is away shooting a film. The film is ultra important to his career so he is not able to talk (until about 3am but needs to sleep as things start early). He's the kind of person that is extremely career driven and his career always comes first. We've been seeing each other since April and in an exclusive relationship since August. He asked me to move in with him in December as he said any time he's not filming it will make it easier to spend time together, and that in his free time he would only want to spend time with me anyway.

 

Everything has been fine, we spent Christmas and New Years together, he tells me he loves me quite a bit although I have to say I sometimes feel lonely in the relationship. I think the problem is that he is my priority and his is his career totally. I know that we have a good time together though, and that he speaks very highly of me to his friends and family (he is always keen for me to meet everyone).

 

A film has come up for January and February at a location about 5 hours away, he had to leave quickly and he potentially has another one back to back so could be away until May, he has completely gone off the radar for the last couple of weeks. I haven't been messaging much at all, just to say "Hope it's going well" " good luck for today" etc because I don't want to be annoying and don't want to give him more to worry about like replying to my messages. He came down for about an hour to pick some Kit up from London, we saw each other very briefly but he was very distracted, he was on the phone half the time and the other just not engaged or present. I understand he is under a lot of pressure, so didn't push it but was disappointed, as he hasn't said when he is coming back or any plans for this year.

 

When he left he sent me a message saying sorry it was brief but he is under loads of pressure. So I sent a relatively long message back saying how I am there to support him, but I do need some communication as to when we can spend time together again (like in between- we talked about perhaps me coming up for a day on set). He basically rejected the idea of me coming up (said it would be unprofessional even though the others director/producer and AD have their partners/kids flown in. (His role is of that same rank so it seems strange not to even let me come up for one day)

 

He then said " I don't know if I'll even ever come back". So after this we talked and I was kind of in shock, I asked him whether he saw me in his future? This all seemed so sudden, completely out of the blue at 3AM on messenger. He said "I don't know, we are too young to be thinking about futures". We are both 28, and with a comment like "I don't know if I'll ever come back" I was kind of forced to think about the future. Why am I making all these sacrifices for someone who doesn't see past the next few months? It seems so heartless and unreassuring, it just didn't seem like him at all and he is just not considering my feelings or the fact I am staying in London basically only for him.

 

We talked at greater length til 5am and he was very negative about the future of the relationship, saying it won't work and started the wrapping up break up lines like:

 

I don't know how to love you

I'm not good enough for you

I need to focus on my own issues first

I hide from my problems

I will 100% hurt you with my career

I see myself as a lonely old man in the future

 

I said look, we can make it work, I am positive about this but if you aren't then it will fail. I said, are you willing for things not to be easy? And are you willing to work on making it work? He replied: I won't be able to make you happy.

 

The saddest thing is that when we started seeing each other I wasn't looking for a relationship at all, and I said that. I actually was supposed to be going to south america but I shelved those plans once we had had several in depth conversations about where it was going, he said he wouldn't hurt me and that he wasn't going to leave me, that even if I went to South America he would be here waiting for me when I got back. The connection is really special and we have so much in common.

 

I asked him why he wanted me as his girlfriend if he knew all this before? Was it because he didn't have much work on? (He didn't have any work when we were first seeing each other up til November). He said he just enjoyed my company so much and it "escalated". I am feeling really sad about how reckless some people can be with their words, he has induced me to feel a certain way and now seems to have cut it off.

 

I said it is best we talk about this face to face, and that perhaps he is tired and saying things he doesn't mean. So I said contact me when the film ends and we can meet up and talk face to face with no contact in between. He said mmmm ok. That was about 3 days ago but yesterday he messaged me saying he has had " a lot of anxiety the last days" and wishes he could stop time to talk to me... I just can't work all this out. Yesterday he asked me if I am okay? I couldn't not reply.. I said I am very confused and that the things he said has given me a lot to think about and I need some time (still not really sure if it is a break up or what?)

 

So if you have gotten this far I salute you kind reader! I'm sure I have probably left a lot of salient points out, but what do you think of this? Do you think this is it? Does it sound like a break up? I moved my things out of his the next day and stayed with a friend, I just don't know what's going on. Part of me thinks maybe it's better to just disappear and never see him again, it seems like he has made up his mind about what I am to him so what is the point of talking face to face. I'm feeling really hurt at the moment, any advice or thoughts would be very appreciated. Thank you

[qwaspolk82]

Well he's not sure if he is coming back and he said the ol' "it's not you, it's me" in a nutshell. That he's not "good enough" and so on. He's trying to back out of this relationship in my opinion.

 

I think perhaps you two need a break as he wants to focus on his career and you have things you want to do with your life.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Good you moved your things out rather than stay in this "I don't know if I'll ever come back" limbo.

 

Does he have a recent exgf or a new gf in the other location?

 

There were a lot of red flags including way too much too soon too fast and his perpetually being too busy. Don't contact him.

We've been seeing each other since April and in an exclusive relationship since August. He asked me to move in with him in December

I don't know how to love you

I'm not good enough for you

I need to focus on my own issues first

I hide from my problems

I will 100% hurt you with my career

I see myself as a lonely old man in the future

[ParisPaulette]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you need to understand even if you talked him into staying into the relationship this pattern will very likely repeat itself. It sounds like he was enthused until he had work, and possibly met someone on set as well since it is weird to discourage you from coming to the set when others do the same. I worked on the periphery of the film industry at one point, everyone had their SOs on set except those who were well, not wanting to see them. Five hours isn't that far away, so while I understand the intensity of the schedule it still isn't fair to expect you to be on a shelf waiting for him whenever he decides he wants to play house between film sets.

 

It's going to be up to you to stop being confused. That means you move on, you block and delete him, you learn next time not to move in simply because someone wants it and not to make all one-sided sacrifices. I do think he's a bit of an xxxxx for pulling this stunt on you, but the rushing you to move in was almost like he wanted to lock you down. As if he knew this would happen and he just wanted to make sure and hope you'd be content to sit there until he came home.

 

Regardless, this situation doesn't sound like it works for you and he did just drop off the radar. My husband works away from home a lot, but he makes it a point no matter how busy he is even just for two minutes to call me. We don't text, texting is pointless and we both hate it unless it's about "pick me up at the airport, do X Y or Z thing."

 

Bottom line, someone who wants a relationship has to make an effort to keep it alive and going regardless of what's in their lives. And BOTH parties need to do that equally or it's not a relationship really, more like a dictatorship or monarchy with one giving orders, the other taking, no shared benefits.

 

It seems he made his choice, so I would send a text telling him it's done, you are out, this isn't working for you and then block and delete and move on. I know very few people who would be okay with this, and especially not in a relatively new relationship. He is completely unreasonable to have started something he wasn't going to finish in the first place. Plus he acts like someone who maybe had his eye on someone else, but knows that won't last either so he wanted to keep you as backup. That may not be the case, but whenever I've had past relationships where someone would ignore me and be out of touch, but wouldn't just fully break up with me and tried to keep me confused, that's what that was about.

[MissCanuck]

This doesn't sound good at all. Smells fishy.

 

My guess is that he's got something going with someone on location. Weeks at a time and he can't speak at all? I don't buy it.

 

Even if that's not the case, he's telling you he doesn't want the relationship anymore.